My faith directs my will, while my will is a testament to my faith.

I lost my backpack at a diner, Tuesday, with my wallet in the pocket.  I was heartbroken because "I am a servant of the Light."  "Why would this bad thing have happened to me?"  But, if I believe myself to be a servant of the Light, I have to trust the Light.  If I had needed that backpack, as a servant of the Light, I would still have it.  If, as an instrument of the Light, I needed to have left that backpack behind so that another self could have an experience that the Light desired him or her to have, then I must trust in myself as an instrument.  If God himself had descended from the heavens and asked me to leave my backpack behind, I have to believe I would have.  I am a servant of the Light and I believe it.

Tonight will be the second month I miss the opportunity to practice channeling with my teacher, Carla.  It is a great gift from The Creator.

My heart aches to perform this service.  And because I am attached to it, I suffer.

The Great Bodhisattva is illustrating to me the folly of failing to glory in the service I am performing in favor of a service I desire to perform.

I have reasons for every act I commit, whether it be lying, texting while driving, not cleaning up after myself, using someone else’s gym ID, cutting off another driver, or making too much noise, because I know who I am.  I’m one of the “good” people.  I’m not one of those people: the really annoying, shameless, and stupid people.

What are their reasons?  I do not know this because I am not that person.  But our actions are the same.  The only difference, from my perspective, between me and them is that I know my reasons for my actions.  They have reasons for their actions.  And from their perspective they don’t know my reasons.  To them I am one of those people.

We are mirror images looking back at each other.

I am currently reading the best book of my life—for the second time.  It is so profound to me that after having read the last page I started right back at the first page again.  It has catapulted my spiritual ambition.  It has helped me to understand my meditation practice.  It has welled up in me a gratitude for the Master who wrote it so great I often weep while reading it.

It is the same book that I bought 8 years ago.  It is the same book I started reading 8 years ago and closed because it was not something I wanted to pursue.  It is the same book that sat on my shelf, sat on the floor, lingered in a moving box because I was not interested in reading it.

Mary loving her child is one of the profound expressions of Christmas I hold dear to my heart.  As a mother loving, nurturing, and feeding my child, images of Mother and Child resonate with me.

Madonna with the Green Cushions (Maria Lactans), 1507-1510, Oil on Wood

by Andrea Solario (1460-1524)

Love and Light to all mothers on this day of birth celebrated.

I have noticed several times over the last couple of years that I will respond lovingly to a person who is being unloving, mean, or disrespectful.  However, I don't realized until later that the person was intending to be mean. 

First, I think I should have said this or that in retort instead of that kindness!

Second, I think Why do I want to have responded unlovingly?  I am moving in Love automatically.  That's what I want.

It is an illustration of how a lifetime of unloving habits is a tool used by the ego to preserve itself.

In general, I am content to be solitary.  I live with my daughter and my husband, get a visit from my sister once a week, and have a couple of other mothers I see every week or two.

However, I long for the elders, kinsmen, and children along with whom I should be working, sleeping, and living: The ghosts of a memory not of this lifetime.

That which I eat is a service to the Light.  I eat to sustain this instrument for service.  I eat specific foods in order to give me the utmost energy, and health to do that service.  When I am sick or fatigued, I loose patience and energy to be of service. 

Therefore, some foods are a 'sin' for Lorena to eat.  When I willfully choose to eat certain foods that do harm to this instrument, I willfully choose to diminish my ability to serve the Light to my highest and best capacity.

Carla calls those weak places in the armor of one's Light, chinks in the armor.  I allowed a large chink to open up in my armor, Tuesday, when I chose impatience and blocked my Light.  I made myself vulnerable when I had been able to find patience in the past during similar occurrences.

It has left me unbalanced for the last couple of days.  I feel as though I have let the plug go on my spiritual mass and I am having to recoup my losses.

Today, I have woke with the first touches of a cold and wonder if it was the yelling and tears of two days ago that left my guard open for attack.  I thank the Creator for giving me this experience, deftly illustrating how chinks in the armor can lead to physical from metaphysical.

As I repair my armor, I once again ask to be filled with Light and move in Love, that I may not again experience a lapse in my service.