Location: Nashville, TN, USA
This blog is my personal reflections on living the Law of One and trying to be of service to others in all I do.
Tomorrow some friends are coming into town for the weekend, and I'm excited, but also a little concerned. The last two times I've stayed with them, Jim warned me that his wife, Chrissy, was having a "bad weekend." For the first visit that meant that I didn't see her at all while I was staying there. For the second visit it meant she copped a terrible attitude and took every opportunity to belittle Jim that she could in front of me. It was extremely uncomfortable. I felt like I was walking on eggshells the entire time and all of my efforts and energy were focussed on keeping her happy. To be fair, she's usually okay when she comes here to visit, but I've already had some odd requests from them for this trip. I feel like the best course of action is to stay positive, embrace it, and try to make sure everyone has a good time, regardless of how I feel.
I think there's a lot of cataylist to be had here. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm being taken advantage of and focussing on how this will be an emotionally exhausting visit for me. What a terrible attitude to have going into a weekend visit with friends! I searched what Ra had to say about catalyist, and unsurprisingly, they blew me away with their answer on the first hit. From 46.16:
Ra: I am Ra. The catalyst, and all catalyst, is designed to offer experience. This experience in your density may be loved and accepted or it may be controlled. These are the two paths. When neither path is chosen the catalyst fails in its design and the entity proceeds until catalyst strikes it which causes it to form a bias towards acceptance and love or separation and control. There is no lack of space/time in which this catalyst may work.
It seems to me that instead of trying to control this weekend to make people have a good time, I should love and accept the experience and let whatever needs to happen, happen. And to make sure to love the people behind the experiences too! We're all just lost souls trying to navigate this crazy planet we found ourselves on. "The moment contains love," as Ra says, and all I need to do is "consciously seek that love in awareness and understanding distortions." EASY, RIGHT?
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I only remembered part of a dream today. I had somehow jumped or been propelled upwards extremely high, almost as high as a plane, and could see for miles around me. I had the thought that my parachute didn't work, and I came rushing towards the ground, but once I got close to it, I slowed and landed softly on my feet. It was twilight and I was in the desert.
I feel like I often have dreams where I'm high up above the world, looking down, flying through the clouds, and having a great time. I always start falling back to the ground, but am never harmed, even if I'm worried I will be in the dream. It reminds me of the first time I used Google Maps with virtual reality. It really freaked me out. I zoomed out as far as it would let me to a point where I was outside of the planet, but the Earth was still so large that the top and bottom and sides were out of view. It disoriented me completely. The mind boggling SIZE of the planet. It was beautiful and overwhelming and a little terrifying. I wonder what it means.
Last night I had a little cry to Brandon about my life. At lunch the other day, a coworker asked me on a scale of 1 to 10 how much I liked my job. I said an 8 and he was surprised. I was like, "I get paid well for the small amount of work I do, our boss is extremely reasonable and really listens to us, I have a great commute, and I don't hate anyone here." He was like, "Do you see yourself here in 5 years?" I said probably and changed the subject, but it got me thinking. Do I really want to be here in 5 years? Probably not. Then the thoughts came pouring in: "What am I even doing with my life? Nothing I do matters or helps people," and right after the thoughts came the tears. Please know that I do like my life and recognize Brandon and I have it better than so, so many people. But I feel like I'm just spinning in circles in terms of feeling useful. One of the things Brandon said that helped is that I don't need to make big changes to feel like I'm improving my life; I can start with little ones that will expand like the butterfly effect. Like I don't need to quit my job, hop on a plane, and move to Uruguay (although that is extremely tempting), I can go volunteer once a week or go to those meditations in Louisville. He said he doesn't know what his purpose is either, but that he feels like once we know it will "click" and we just need to live our lives the best we can and be patient. Patience is my biggest downfall. But I do feel like he's right. I guess I just want to feel like I'm making progress.
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I only remembered a snippet of a dream last night. Shelby, her little sister Presley, and I are sitting in an auditorium listening to someone, or a group of someone's, speak. Shelby and her sister are sitting in the row in front of me but we are there together. I can only see the backs of their heads, but I know it's them. And that's all I can remember! I wonder who we were listening to. I think the rows were pews. If I keep this up I'll hopefully start remembering more of my dreams.
My Tilly-cat came and slept on my lap for my entire meditation this morning. Listening to and feeling the vibrations of her purring was a really nice way to get in the silence groove. I was pretty exhausted so I didn't feel like I did a great job of keeping my thoughts focussed. It's hard not to be frustrated about it, but I know it's fine and in the long run it's just good that I'm doing it consistently.
I'm going to casually ask Brandon to go to Louisville with me on Saturday and see what he says. On one hand, I freaking love a good solo roadtrip and am kind of looking forward to the alone time. But I also want Brandon to see firsthand some of what I've been talking about for all these months. I think he's almost ready. Honestly, regardless of anything else, all I really want is for him to find a way to deal with all the negativity he perceives as focussed on him. I'm sure he chose this life for a reason: battling with CP, physical limitations, family, etc., but I want him to find his true happiness. He's my best friend.
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In hoping to broaden my meditation practices, I bought a dream journal to physically write down my dreams and my responses or thoughts about them. Now all I have to do is remember them! I used to have reoccuring dreams all the time, especially as a kid, and one in particular keeps being brought to my mind:
I'm a child, and find myself in the driver's seat of a moving car without any idea on how I got there. I have no clue how to drive; I'm not old enough! But I am driving, and going faster and faster, barely feeling like I'm holding on, weaving in and out of traffic, trying desperately not to crash. I never do.
If I were going to analyze that (puts on analyzer hat), I would say it was a metaphor for my life. That I felt like I didn't know how to live my life, that I was unprepared to navigate the roads of this journey we're on. I've noticed in my adult life that I like to be as prepared as possible before getting into new things and feel a lot of anxiety when I'm unable to do so. Going to a new restaurant? I look up the menu and decide what I'm getting entirely beforehand. Meeting new people? I rehearse things to talk about and plan exactly what I wear. But I've never really felt that prepared for life.
In my K-8 school, 5th grade was the year you could first pick a musical instrument to learn or a sport to play on the school teams. My best friend at the time was moving to Bogota, Columbia that year to live with her grandparents. I remember begging my mom to let me be homeschooled, as I couldn't bear the thought of going to school without my only friend. As the result of a weird set of circumstances, my mom agreed. When I went back to school for 6th grade, I was devestated by the head start I felt my classmates had had. They had all picked out instruments or sports, and if I were going to start I'd already be a year behind. Too late seemed to be my reoccuring theme. Imagine being 12 and feeling like you had already missed out on life! Those feelings of being too late or not prepared enough for life have kept me back from accomplishing things. I hope I'm learning and growing from that knowledge now.
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I messed up. I always do this! I never fight with anyone in my life except Emily. We were on such a good run too. Our parents are in town to meet and help take care of her new baby. She texted me Friday asking me to bring a bottle of this low carb wine our mom likes when we came for dinner that night. I didn't have any at my house and was really annoyed that she asked me to go do this even though her husband was already going to the liquor store. Re-reading the texts we sent to each other, it's obvious now that I overreacted. She was just asking that if I had any, to bring it. I realized that I was to blame pretty quickly, and after about 20 minutes I sent a text apologizing.
But then it happened again yesterday. She texted me to ask if I could help her in making a key lime pie for our mom's birthday. Things were already a little tenuous from Friday, and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was exploiting me to spend money and time on a gift that would ultimately be from her. What a fucking petty way to look at it. But we both do it - it's like we can't trust each other sometimes. Where is it coming from?? I spent my morning meditation focussed on that and trying to balance my feelings of being taken advantage of. Looking at it today, it's like why do I even care who the pie would come from? It all seems so ridiculous now, but in the heat of the moment I was SO offended. Brandon doesn't help because he always sides with me (haha). He said yesterday, "Why do all of Emily's plans need to be funded by you?" and it stoked my anger even more. But I need to get over myself. Who ultimately cares who did what or contributed what if it makes my mom happy? And who cares even if Emily were trying to take advantage of me? But for what it's worth, I don't think she was. I needed to show compassion to the poor girl who had a baby less than two weeks ago and just wanted to make her mom something nice. I guess I'll be apologizing to her again tonight.
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