Lotsa Questions

[rva_jeremy]

5. Do thoughts count as Catalyst and are they capable of Polarization by themselves?

My understanding, and please jump in others if you can refine or correct it, is that thought is the primary way we block and unblock energy flowing through our system. To the extent that catalyst represents the symptoms of blocked energy, thought is the only thing capable of engendering polarization. Our experiences in incarnation are designed to give us ample opportunities to consider differnt configurations of thought, but it is the thought, as I understand it, that serves as the "clutch". The caveat here is that, as has been mentioned earlier, typical conscious thought is not the only kind of thought of which you are capable. Those of Ra allude to the power of thought as a complete experience of Creation:

Let us for a moment consider thought. What is it, my friends, to take thought? Took you then thought today? What thoughts did you think today? What thoughts were part of the original thought today? In how many of your thoughts did the creation abide? Was love contained? And was service freely given? You are not part of a material universe. You are part of a thought. You are dancing in a ballroom in which there is no material. You are dancing thoughts. You move your body, your mind, and your spirit in somewhat eccentric patterns for you have not completely grasped the concept that you are part of the original thought.
(1.0)

Both paths of polarization lead back to the original thought; they simply traverse different terrain. Polarization is a commitment to one of the paths at the fork.

6. Do the energies of Anger and its associated variations of extremities belong to the Red-ray or the Orange-Ray chakra?

I'm not entirely sure I can usefully answer this. Anger has never struck me as a phenomenon of one chakra; anger is an expression of a lack of acceptance at its core, in my opinion. As such, it can use the energies of any of the first three chakras, and perhaps others as well, to manifest. If you're dealing with anger, I would advise examining where the anger manifests. The key is to truly feel it and allow its depth to register totally so that it can be balanced. For what it's worth, episode 50 of In the Now deals in depth with the balancing exercises that realize such a process.

7. Is polarity measured like a thermometer that slowly lowers and raises in small (or large) increments?

I truly do not know; the Confederation cautions us against "taking our spiritual temperature" since there is so much that we do not see playing into our spiritual evolution. Measurement implies an objective standpoint from which one would observe. We do not occupy anything like an objective standpoint. This is precisely where faith becomes so important.

[Billy]

Your posts are so often reassuring Jeremy.  Thank you.

[rva_jeremy]

I explored for a while negative polarity and found it to be in many ways on the shallow end of it's spectrum exactly like positive polarity, leaving me to wonder if polarity is something worth getting hung up over on since as it's said, there is no right or wrong according to the metaphysical reality.  (A general statement that I'm sure has some exceptions to it.)

8. Is the negative and positive polarities worth exploring into the extremes?  I know the answer depends on the individual, I'm asking in general for the vast majority of the population.
9. Can the negative be used for positive?  Does this make it negative or positive polarization?
10. If selflessness is positive polarity and selfishness is negative polarity, what does being selfishly selfless and selflessly selfish cause polarization wise?

I'd like to take these in tandem.  One of the things implied in the choice of polarity is precisely what has value to an entity (this is why the innate bias of an entity is so confounding a mystery).  I think entities can and do explore both polarities, and the veiled condition is precisely where this delivers the most worthwhile catalyst to an entity.  
But remember that the ultimate product of this process is to make the choice in a subjectively significant way.  Emphasis on the last part: in a subjectively significant way, not because there are no generalities involved, but because as I said in the last post, we simply don't occupy the vantage point from where there is an objective view.  I do think there exists an objective view, but it's in time/space, where an entity's polarity can be directly observed as an energetic phenomenon created by patterns of thought.
If you accept my explanation that the root of polarity is energetic (this is my current model; I'm open to having this challenged) then answering #9 and #10 becomes a somewhat easier task, don't they?  It has less to do with getting to some root philosophy of rule set and more to do with understanding the intent evidenced by the opening/closing of energy centers.  I mean, both questions throw into stark relief how sticky these kinds of concerns are, what tangled webs we weave.  But if we focus on energetic flow, we have a feedback loop for our thoughts and intent that is at least personally verifiable.

[Aion]

I find it hard to imagine transcending that which makes up the very essence of all creation.

Intelligent Energy and Intelligent Infinity.  Believe me when I say I've tried to.

I imagine Intellect is just a micro-microcosm of the Intelligent intelligence of infinity.

Imagining is different from experiencing directly. Of course you cannot imagine anything other than what is imaginable and precisely why I do not think the truth of reality is to be seen in the imagination of the intellect. I don't believe you can grasp the nature of reality purely through intellectual rearrangement of ideas. I believe it is only possible to really understand it through direct interaction. Otherwise it's like looking at the moon and believing you are getting to know the truth of the sun.

Truth is, I think the intellect is illusory and the true nature of mind is nothing like all this 'content' we experience here. Thinking as it is is a 'veiled' activity in my understanding.

Empty your mind of everything, every idea and every concept and I think that is reaching closer to the truth. This emptiness could also be described as 'equilibrium' and is why balancing is the crux of all 'progress' towards unification.

Equilibrium itself is an illusion of stability created by various forces working in harmony.
Imagine a glass of tea, you pour a little bit of lemon water in it for flavor but the mixture is akin to oil and vinegar, so to mix it you gently gyrate your wrist to push the water along the edges in a circular fashion, if you start too fast the mixture spills, but if you start slow, start the rotations in the body of liquid within the glass, you can speed up due to the rotational force pulling the liquid back inwards.

It's ability to not overflow isn't an equilibrium as much as it is just several forces working together to stabilize the total manifesting movements from going too far out of the desireable range.

Actually, rereading all of that, it might be rude to call equilibrium a 'total illusion' as the forces making it up are all illusions.
(FUUUuu- What's even real anymore, Maaaaan?!!  I'm tripping mentally and I'm totally sober D: )

I believe intellect is of itself a construction of concepts both rational and abstract given a complex in-and-of-itself to operate and inform the consciousness inhabiting the 3D vehicle.  I totally misunderstood what you meant too, I thought you meant contemplate, not actually perform eh heh, so I must apologize and ask you consider this new answer from me to your post:

The question to me is, why rely so much on the intellect to obtain a vision of truth? Yes, you have realized the paradoxical and self-contradictory nature of pure thought, but then go further, transcend the intellect and you may reach closer to the truth of nature, if you ask me.

I personally believe that the various tools we have at our exposal (intelligence, intellect, imagination, abstraction, visualization, thought's-themselves, emotions, intuition, ad-infinitum-etc... ) are actually also Keys to unlocking the nature of 'Truth' that is available to be unlocked or experienced in the occupied Density.

One must have self-awareness to make use of the plethora of tools that exist, a lack of sentience doesn't bar one from these tools but it's a lot harder to use a tool of construction when you have no idea that you're capable of construction.

This concept of 'an idea' or 'no idea' is important in my opinion when regarding things like Intelligent Infinity and it's various facets of manifested truth, as in my opinion Truth itself is not manifest or potentiated, but majorly exists as a pure concept or 'idea'.  We human's have run into this issue of combating an 'idea', there is nothing manifest that can fight an idea directly.

So to me, using the imagination and intellect to parse a direction of an idea of 'Truth' is my foundation, this foundation has the cornerstones of: Emotional Information (as in a 'formulation of information from emotional experience'), Intuitive Information, Abstract Construction/Deconstruction, and, well this last one is hard to describe because it isn't a simple cornerstone.  It's the sum of all of my experiences informing my present state, you could call it simply, the cornerstone of Life Experience.

It's also my weakest cornerstone as I have not been very earnest in experiencing this reality fully, I want to be a part of nature but not struggle within it, I want to be a part of society but not conform to it's standardizations.  So you have touched upon one of my core weaknesses, not wanting to manifest situations for myself to experience to help further parse my pathway towards the idea of Truth available to me.

Let me be frank with you all; we are all Truth-Seekers, no?  In this lifelong journey the universe manifest a distortion, but none-the-less a form of Truth for us to discover in the form of; The Law of One becoming available knowledge on Earth.

I believe that this alone is indicative of Truth being wholly within grasp to anyone, even the mundane spiritually unaware 3D being can stumble upon Truth, in fact I'm more than sure such has happened.  Specifically as an example, those who disappear over the Bermuda Triangle pyramid are being transported through distortions in the space/time continuum into another portion of our space/time continuum.  The journey itself from point A to point B through that temporal distortion would be itself a direct experience of witnessing truth, Truth that Time itself is not purely absolutely fixed, and that it's passage can be circumvented if not overcome.

Truth, what is Truth?  How does one discover it or make sense of how to discover it, Aion?  Intellect isn't enough, experience isn't enough, I think it takes something more than simple tools and keys provided to the consciousness.  I think it takes consciousness itself to manifest Truth (hence distorting it into a knowable form from it's pure 'idea-form').

Hence the reason Ra says that Consciousness is the Microcosm of the Law of One, it's as our cells build up our physical body to allow us to inhabit it, consciousness is that m/b/trillion/quadrillion/zillion portions that constitute and construct the higher formations and formulas, the same way all of the stars in the universe form the universe.

I have actually never seen a discussion of this phrase, 'Consciousness is the Microcosm of the Law of One', I think it holds some means in helping us seek further 'The One Infinite Truth'.

Honestly though, I think this 'One Infinite Truth' is the mystery-clad One Infinite Creator becoming -fully/absolutely- known, which I theorize is both im/possible, impossible in that infinity cannot ever be fully known without severing it's infinite nature, and in this endeavor Infinity too might just be an Illusion to the Law of One decree made by this mystery-clad figure as without things like space or time to manifest the...irrational nature of ever-expanding complexity, you're left with an environment that could be called 'known', leaving the mystery behind, showcasing infinity too as just another illusion and distortion of the one, who may very well itself transcend such human-based understandings as labels like 'infinity'.
Yet, is also possible in that if the One Infinite that transcends the infinite nature and hence formulates it's illusion of being, can create like an artist with pen and ink, anything desireable from a formation of Illusion (or 'emptiness'), bringing full circle the concept dichotomy of something/nothing belonging to the same core energy.  This being possible due to the paradox that an illusion is still a real formulation with form and presence and manifestation, despite not being real.
Essentially, all I'm saying is I think 'The Truth' is synonymous with discovery of 'The One Infinite Self' which is essentially not manifest or potentiated or belonging to things like Intelligent Energy or Intelligent Infinity but is itself a pure/purer/purist form of an 'Idea'. Which may very well just be 'Thought' but even more complex/simple.
If as above so below applies ad infinitum, then we are discovering distorted actual parts of the One Self, that once distilled showcase portions of 'The Truth' despite these portions themselves being still distortions.

Does an absolute knowledge of all infinity 'stabilize' it's exponential growth for a while, so that the one may parse what it has come to know of itself in a way that can be said to be 'the one becoming whole again'?

There's also the fact that there exists an 'Original Thought' that spawned all of this, of which was said to be, as close as can be described to us, Unconditional Love.  Is this a mere microscopic facet of the One Infinite Self?

Quick, someone get Ra on the line! I think I just figured out an entire question book to ask them!  

But Aion, ultimately I have no idea how to take your suggestion into manifestation, how on this entire Planet of Earth am I supposed to 'perform' a transcendence of intellect?

I'm a highly mental person, my physical vehicle has as a preincarnational ruleset a decent amount of limitations probably to help cultivate the continual refinement of my mental energies over my physical ones, and though the physical ones are still important, I feel that I'm here more to cultivate mind more so than body.

Seriously though, some days I just want to pull a Forrest Gump and begin jogging across the nation to avoid my suffering and loneliness in place of physical exertion, but the reality is I'd probably die lol
So, if you have any suggestions for me to 'perform transcending intellect', I'm open to them, but just know I probably won't be able to do what you suggest of me.

Hey Jeremy, thank you for your reply, I'll get back to you later~

Certainly many deep questions here, I see where you are coming from. I will start with Equilibrium. I am going to go to the total opposite to end and say that Equilibrium is the Truth and Infinity is Absolute Equilibrium, in my understanding. Thus, any distortion in that Perfect Equilibrium is therefore part of the manifestation of the Illusion. In Equilibrium is silence. Thus, to realize this perfect equilibrium which is to bring oneself in to ratio with the One is to achieve internal silence.

50.8 Questioner: Thank you. How does the ability to hold visual images in mind allow the adept to do polarization in consciousness without external action?

Ra: I am Ra. This is not a simple query, for the adept is one which will go beyond the green ray which signals entry into harvestability. The adept will not simply be tapping into intelligent energy as a means of readiness for harvest but tapping into both intelligent energy and intelligent infinity for the purpose of transmuting planetary harvestability and consciousness.

The means of this working lie within. The key is first, silence, and secondly, singleness of thought. Thusly a visualization which can be held steady to the inward eye for several of your minutes, as you measure time, will signal the adept’s increase in singleness of thought. This singleness of thought then can be used by the positive adept to work in group ritual visualizations for the raising of positive energy, by negative adepts for the increase in personal power.

5.2 Questioner: We have decided to accept, if offered, the honor/duty of learning/teaching the healing process. I would ask as to the first step which we should accomplish in becoming effective healers.

Ra: I am Ra. We shall begin with the first of the three teachings/learnings.

We begin with the mental learn/teachings necessary for contact with intelligent infinity. The prerequisite of mental work is the ability to retain silence of self at a steady state when required by the self. The mind must be opened like a door. The key is silence.

Within the door lies an hierarchical construction you may liken unto geography and in some ways geometry, for the hierarchy is quite regular, bearing inner relationships.

To begin to master the concept of mental discipline it is necessary to examine the self. The polarity of your dimension must be internalized. Where you find patience within your mind you must consciously find the corresponding impatience and vice versa. Each thought that a being has, has in its turn an antithesis. The disciplines of the mind involve, first of all, identifying both those things of which you approve and those things of which you disapprove within yourself, and then balancing each and every positive and negative charge with its equal. The mind contains all things. Therefore, you must discover this completeness within yourself.

The second mental discipline is acceptance of the completeness within your consciousness. It is not for a being of polarity in the physical consciousness to pick and choose among attributes, thus building the roles that cause blockages and confusions in the already-distorted mind complex. Each acceptance smoothes part of the many distortions that the faculty you call judgment engenders.

The third discipline of the mind is a repetition of the first but with the gaze outward towards the fellow entities that it meets. In each entity there exists completeness. Thus, the ability to understand each balance is necessary. When you view patience, you are responsible for mirroring in your mental understanding, patience/impatience. When you view impatience, it is necessary for your mental configuration of understanding to be impatience/patience. We use this as a simple example. Most configurations of mind have many facets, and understanding of either self polarities, or what you would call other-self polarities, can and must be understood as subtle work.

The next step is the acceptance of the other-self polarities, which mirrors the second step.

These are the first four steps of learning mental discipline. The fifth step involves observing the geographical and geometrical relationships and ratios of the mind, the other mind, the mass mind, and the infinite mind.

The second area of learn/teaching is the study/understanding of the body complexes. It is necessary to know your body well. This is a matter of using the mind to examine how the feelings, the biases, what you would call the emotions, affect various portions of the body complex. It shall be necessary to both understand the bodily polarities and to accept them, repeating in a chemical/physical manifestation the work you have done upon the mind bethinking the consciousness.

The body is a creature of the mind’s creation. It has its biases. The biological bias must be first completely understood and then the opposite bias allowed to find full expression in understanding. Again, the process of acceptance of the body as a balanced, as well as polarized, individual may then be accomplished.

It is then the task to extend this understanding to the bodies of the other-selves whom you will meet. The simplest example of this is the understanding that each biological male is female; each biological female is male. This is a simple example. However, in almost every case wherein you are attempting the understanding of the body of self or other-self, you will again find that the most subtle discernment is necessary in order to fully grasp the polarity complexes involved.

In the Ra material there is this very dominant idea of 'balancing' and what is the ultimate goal of balancing? Realizing an equilibrium within the self and as it is suggested as you achieve this equilibrium within yourself you become more like the One because the One is Perfect Equilibrium. Thus the movement in balance.

I disagree that discovering the truth is knowing yourself as the Creator, I think the real revelation of truth comes when you BECOME the Creator, however this is adept work, but you seem to be someone with the passion to pursue the adept path, while seemingly being completely undesirious of facing the challenges on that path.

The fact is, I think any structure is at best a 'map' and is not actually the truth of the nature of reality, more just an interface for navigating Infinity. It is all much simpler for me when the Truth is simple and pure, that is, absolute Equilibrium which holds all in potential. That is the Truth. Beyond that it's all about what you want to build, or destroy.

The question here is if you are also the One Creator, why not consider that maybe you had your hand in creating this uncomfortable environment and situated yourself here? Also, if you are the One Creator and this is all the One Creator, why are you dissatisfied?,

That is the real crux of all of these discussion in my eyes, is being driven by dissatisfaction. Now I won't say I'm totally satisfied, more I think the question of why the Creator 'explores' itself? I think dissatisfaction comes about as a catalyst to make you seek deeper.

Seek deeper in to silence. Listen to the silence in your mind if you can find it. All that chatter has a ton of interesting questions and contemplating and all sorts of intriguing questions, but I don't think any contemplating except that of silence and singleness of thought can truly bring you closer in 'tuning' with the One Infinite.

[rva_jeremy]

I wish I could answer questions #11 and #12, but I really don't understand.  Sorry.

13. Does Crystallization mean the area in the physical body where the energy center is found 'solidify' or is this happening upon the metaphysical planes attached to the physical plane, but not occurring in a way physically measureable upon the physical plane?

I'm speculating a bit, so jump in, y'all, but I would think that as energy flows more harmoniously with less distortion, sympathetic patterns of vibration form, similar to how waves behave in a medium in physical space form.  "Crystallization" is a description, I believe, of the pattern of energy deriving from its regularity, sympathetic vibration, and balance or perhaps symmetry. It is the underlying direction and vibration of that energy that creates the preconditions for crystalline structures, if the example of material reality is any guide.

Questioner: You spoke an earlier time of rotational speeds of energy centers. Am I correct in assuming that this is a function of the blockage of the energy center and the less blocked it is, the higher speed of rotation, then indicating greater energy in-streaming?

Ra: I am Ra. You are partially correct. In the first three energy centers a full unblocking of this energy will create speeds of rotation. As the entity develops the higher energy centers, however, these centers will then begin to express their nature by forming crystal structures. This is the higher or more balanced form of activation of energy centers as the space/time nature of this energy is transmuted to the time/space nature of regularization and balancing.

Questioner: What do you mean by crystal structures?

Ra: I am Ra. Each of the energy centers of the physical complex may be seen to have a distinctive crystalline structure in the more developed entity. Each will be somewhat different just as in your world no two snowflakes are alike. However, each is regular. (51.7, emphasis mine)

I don't really know if this chakra crystallization is physically measurable per se, but the Ra's instructions on the use of the pendulum imply that these vibrations could possibly be graphed.  Whether this can be done in the classical scientific manner of observation, I don't know; their instructions seem to indicate the need for the measurer to participate.

14. Is the Red-ray chakra fixed like the Violet-ray chakra?  What does this mean?

Yeah, I've been confused by this in the past.  Here's the quote for context:

Questioner: You just used the term third ray in that statement. Was that the term you meant to use?

Ra: I am Ra. We intended the green ray. Our difficulty lies in our perception of red ray and violet ray as fixed; thus the inner rays are those which are varying and are to be observed as those indications of seniority in the attempts to form an harvest.(34.15, emphasis mine)

This quote led me to believe that red ray blockages were not possible, since I thought they meant "fixed" as in an entity's inability to block or unblock violet-ray.  I now think (but can't be certain) this refers simply to the way red and violet bookend the chakra system.  Red ray is the basis for all future chakra activations (34.16) while violet is the total energetic emanation of the chakra system (54.30).  If this is the sense in which they mean "fixed", it doesn't seem very elegant a description to me!

15. What are some of the functions of the Violet-ray chakra?  Is it the totality as-in the Mind/Body/Spirit Complex Totality?

In addition to being the overall indication of an entity and the indicator of harvestability, I believe (though am not certain) the violet-ray center is correlated with the gateway to intelligent infinity (see 48.7).

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

you seem to be someone with the passion to pursue the adept path, while seemingly being completely undesirious of facing the challenges on that path.

This rings so true I literally have no words to say.

Not.

...Sigh, it's true.  My first time consciously polarizing was not fun in the aftermath.  I'm honestly scared of the tribulations that come with faith.  I'm a fool for sure, but I've read the tale of Jobe, I know what kind of levels of hell exist, maybe not all of that, but enough to be fucking scared shitless of coming into contact with their realities.  That becomes possible with the adept path.

I am obsessed with this path though, the adept magical work, the changing and transmutation of reality, the understanding and realization of the invisible energies of creation guiding everything in the plenum-soup of our reality...  Being able to heal others, being useful and not just some random white-trash poverty guy who can barely take care of himself some days because he's too preoccupied with the vivid reality inside of his mind.

It's true, Aion.  I want to see the entire experience that is the path of the adept, but I'm not a courageous person.  My anger only serves me as a form of logical and ethical release, beyond that I fear it and try to suppress it now whereas I used to freely express it.  I find I'm not of the mental stability to properly approach life from the responsibility of a magician.  Or that if I am, I simply, if not obvious from these last few sentences, lack the self-belief at this time to properly do so.

...It's pretty frustrating, but more than that, it's crushingly depressing.

Anyway...  Um.  I did have some things to say about everything else.  But your words ultimately just reminded me of another reason I left this place that I originally was in denial about.  This place is...Too good for me.  I don't think you guys deserve dealing with me.  I hardly contribute anything meaningful without ultimately shoveling it under an excess of opinionated biases.

Well...I'm here now anyways...  I may as well get on with it.  Yeah, I want to live that path, and yeah, I also don't want to live that path.
Similarly I don't actually desire to polarize, doing so actually honestly scares me, only in that the last time I did so, while blissful, ultimately left a more sour aftertaste than I was prepared for.  Like getting a taste of the sweetest honey, and suddenly the flavor turns brutally sour and disgusting.
Ugh, without using stupid metaphors, I'm basically saying that I personally found that the heavenly feelings were not worth the hellish ones afterwards.  Now I avoid it all, and try to just stick to passive unconscious polarization, but since that's not possible since I'm aware of the processes now, I just try to balance out between days where I'm a sweet angel to everyone, and days where I just stick to myself trying to keep my emotions and mind from driving me crazy.

You ALL saw what happens to me, you saw the anger.  I don't want to give that to anyone.  I don't even want it for myself!  But I try and accept the fact that it is as it is.  That doesn't mean I'm ready to take on the trials of positive and negative energies being tested.  I'll learn my lessons, but slowly.  I don't care if that keeps me from harvest, as I said, heaven is not worth hell to me.  I'll opt for a longer different path if I ultimately have to, even if the appeal of the adept path which seems less winding and long is more...Er...Appealing.

I honestly just interpret that as weakness as well.  So take that information as you will.  I'm not, in my opinion, worthy of the adept path if I'm not capable of handling it.

Regarding your comments on silence, I interpreted Ra's words as similar to silencing the mind the way a parent might patiently quiet a child from making small or loud noises in an environment where silence is desired.  The random thoughts of the beta-brain-wave processes can be akin to background noise or mindless banter in some aspects, including scathing remarks that are unnoticed for their scathing demeanor, or debasing thoughts that are not noticed.  There's a lot that the human brain can conjure in the mind.  The mind as far as we are aware after all is a product of the brain's neural circuitry's making it's presence possible.  That circuitry very well might be able to produce thoughts, and form sequences that the brain becomes accustomed to activating, essentially forming habits.

So, I saw it as a form of conditioning these circuitry's of the brain from randomly firing off, instead acquiring further and further control of the inner abilities built into a brain that just becomes capable of programming itself on deeper and deeper levels.  I get that metaphysically the body is a creature of the mind, but it's a mutual partnership, as the mind cannot physically exist without the body, at least not typically. (I say not typically with Artificial Intelligence in consideration)

Otherwise, as far tuning into the One Infinite, I do that enough with the thoughtless freedoms I allow of my imagination.  I find that doing so in silence is great, I actually do do so every now and then, but you need to know that I consider myself very human.  I do not believe any human is meant to tune into the One Infinite in a pure manner too often.  I've heard stories of people who undertaking transcendental meditations became completely different people, some even becoming a bit loose around the edges, and others seeming a bit mad in a sense.  Then you have the flip side of the people who were greatly fulfilled from the experiences.  I find the intensity of meditations fixated around the touching and tuning into of 'God' can be somewhat very intense, especially when the meditation is preceded by a  violet-ray visualization.

However, you put it somewhat like a teacher would, so I'll be using your sentences as meditation aids

As regards equilibrium, I cannot agree or disagree that it is an aspect of the One Infinite, as in all possibility it probably exists in some manner while simultaneously not existed in some manner, though you already seem to understand where I'm coming from as the way you described it does fit with one way I view it.  Though I can say I periodically reconsider these kinds of thoughts and concepts, so I'm sorry if I come off hypocritical where I suddenly seem to agree with you where I once didn't.  I see your view as matching my own, you're just, as usual better at describing them than I am.

If I might leave one final series of thoughts to you, I want to make fresh in the mind the following Ra passages.

67.26 ▶ Questioner: Then there is no other service that we can at this time offer that fifth-density entity of the Orion group who is so constantly with us. As I see it now there is nothing that we can do for him from your point of view? Is this correct?
Ra: I am Ra. This is correct. There is great humor in your attempt to be of polarized service to the opposite polarity. There is a natural difficulty in doing so since what you consider service is considered by this entity non-service. As you send this entity love and light and wish it well it loses its polarity and needs to regroup.

Thus it would not consider your service as such. On the other hand, if you allowed it to be of service by removing this instrument from your midst you might perhaps perceive this as not being of service. You have here a balanced and polarized view of the Creator; two services offered, mutually rejected, and in a state of equilibrium in which free will is preserved and each allowed to go upon its own path of experiencing the One Infinite Creator.

67.27 ▶ Questioner: Thank you. In closing that part of the discussion I would just say that if there is anything that we can do that is within our ability— and I understand that there are many things such as the ones that you just mentioned that are not within our ability— that we could do for this particular entity, if you would in the future communicate its requests to us we will at least consider them because we would like to serve in every respect. Is this agreeable to you?
Ra: I am Ra. We perceive that we have not been able to clarify your service versus its desire for service. You need, in our humble opinion, to look at the humor of the situation and relinquish your desire to serve where no service is requested. The magnet will attract or repel. Glory in the strength of your polarization and allow others of opposite polarity to similarly do so, seeing the great humor of this polarity and its complications in view of the unification in sixth density of these two paths.

Regards the underlined, I take this piece of advise personally in many attempts at resting and calming my mind at my own perceptions of failure to be of service.  In this same light I find it interesting that directly before this passage I visit often, is a passage seemingly proving in essence your argument of equilibrium, and further, I find it synchronistic that in all of the times I've read the underlined and it's surrounding passages, I've never fully internalized the realization that Ra herself calls the service to others polarity complicated looking in regards to how it might unify with it's opposite path, when in instances of positive and negative interactions, the only means of preserving free will is through rejections of each other's perceptual version of 'service', with this understanding begetting a 'polarized' and hence 'balanced' view.

Hey Jeremy, thank you for your answers, I'd like to echo another here:

Your posts are so often reassuring Jeremy.  Thank you.

I'd have to sum up my response to pretty much all of your answers as the above.  I'll have more to say but it's, oh look...4:41am and I'm pretty tired.  I don't mean to procrastinate answering to you.  It's just I'm somewhat nervous about responding to you because I honestly find your ability to focus upon an energy of clarity, or I guess I should say, your ability to provide clarity is in sharp contrast to my...Very unclear way of communicating, I guess...?  And I feel like you have almost poetic ways of providing these depth-y views in short concise ways, whereas I fumble paragraph after paragraph.

Pretty much everything you've said I can accept without much feeling of a need to reply, which is...Unusual for me.

I did find that quote by Hatonn greatly curious.  I never considered that the concept of morality need be as simple as 'all is love' hence wrong and right truly are illusions to the true reality of love, that love is the morality available, hence there really isn't any morality.  Holding as usual, true to the dichotomy of polarity's mannerisms and aesthetics within the nature of infinity and it's fullness and paradoxical farces.

Still, this small voice in the back of my mind questions further...  If morality is Love, can Love make, in a sense, bad choices?  Like, in retrospect thinking it should have made a different choice at a fork in the road, not in regards to polarizing, but just in regards to having a choice to make.  Does this Love ever look back and think it could have done something differently for a more appealing outcome? Or is it that all outcomes are equally appealing to the One Infinite Creator?

[rva_jeremy]

Pretty much everything you've said I can accept without much feeling of a need to reply, which is...Unusual for me.

Awesome! I consider that quite a compliment. Thank you.

Still, this small voice in the back of my mind questions further... If morality is Love, can Love make, in a sense, bad choices?

The Confederation tells us there are no mistakes. The crux of this is an insight into the instrumentality of our incarnate lives.

This is just my way of thinking it, so throw it away if it doesn't suit you, but imagine Mario in Super Mario Bros. From his point of view, he's just trying to save the princess. But from the player's point of view, we're trying to win a game, to get better at playing the game, and score points. Both perspectives are correct. But in order for the player's perspective to make sense, we have to understand the character's experience as instrumental towards a larger goal that doesn't fit into the character's worldview.

Think of the spirituality inherent in waking life that way, I advise. You don't have the vantage point to tell whether something is a mistake or not. But you can always take the experience into deep mind and benefit from it. This is where faith comes in, truly: keeping positive in spite of the BS because you know--you know--what the real goal is.

Trust the guy playing you in the game, because he has his eye on the real prize. Does that help?

[Aion]

Well, I have a couple thoughts for you. One is some reassurance as I believe you are actually already following the adept path, whether you would believe it or not. Some things to keep in mind while balancing on that path.

74.6 Questioner: Would you please correct me?

Ra: I am Ra. The indigo center is indeed most important for the work of the adept. However, it cannot, no matter how crystallized, correct to any extent whatsoever imbalances or blockages in other energy centers. They must needs be cleared seriatim from red upwards.

I think it's good you have taken a step back from indigo work to balance the lower centers on their own merits. Becoming too 'top heavy' is exactly what leads to hellish experiences. Before it seems you were considerably ungrounded. I would also like to highlight a situation of Carla's that I believe parallels your own.

This instrument also experiences some distortion of the green-ray energy center which you may call the heart center. It is overly open due to an intensive desire distortion on the part of this mind/body/spirit complex towards service to others, or as you may call it, universal love. This entity, therefore, spends itself without regard to its reserves of mind/body/spirit complex distortion in regard to what you call strength or energy. This distortion is primarily due to the blockage of the indigo ray. As we have said before, the misapprehension distortion of the instrument responsible for this blockage is the basic orientation towards a belief in unworthiness. The unworthiness distortion blocks the free flow of intelligent energy.

So it seems here that Carla had an imbalance whereby her heart was so open and she wanted so much to be of service but she did not see herself as worthy of that power/service that she offered. I think you have a similar form of blockage going on.

The next center is the pineal or indigo-ray center. Those blocked in this center may experience a lessening of the influx of intelligent energy due to manifestations which appear as unworthiness.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Trust the guy playing you in the game, because he has his eye on the real prize.  Does that help?

It very much does, I should point out I wouldn't describe a bad choice as a mistake, I tried to clarify this with the phrase "Does this Love ever look back and think it could have done something differently for a more appealing outcome?" I'd try to clarify more but I'm realizing my attempts to do so always work against me.

Still, your answers are very helpful, thank you for giving me your time.

Aion, I'm going to reply separately to you.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Well, I have a couple thoughts for you. One is some reassurance as I believe you are actually already following the adept path, whether you would believe it or not. Some things to keep in mind while balancing on that path.

74.6 Questioner: Would you please correct me?

Ra: I am Ra. The indigo center is indeed most important for the work of the adept. However, it cannot, no matter how crystallized, correct to any extent whatsoever imbalances or blockages in other energy centers. They must needs be cleared seriatim from red upwards.

I think it's good you have taken a step back from indigo work to balance the lower centers on their own merits. Becoming too 'top heavy' is exactly what leads to hellish experiences. Before it seems you were considerably ungrounded. I would also like to highlight a situation of Carla's that I believe parallels your own.

This instrument also experiences some distortion of the green-ray energy center which you may call the heart center. It is overly open due to an intensive desire distortion on the part of this mind/body/spirit complex towards service to others, or as you may call it, universal love. This entity, therefore, spends itself without regard to its reserves of mind/body/spirit complex distortion in regard to what you call strength or energy. This distortion is primarily due to the blockage of the indigo ray. As we have said before, the misapprehension distortion of the instrument responsible for this blockage is the basic orientation towards a belief in unworthiness. The unworthiness distortion blocks the free flow of intelligent energy.

So it seems here that Carla had an imbalance whereby her heart was so open and she wanted so much to be of service but she did not see herself as worthy of that power/service that she offered. I think you have a similar form of blockage going on.

The next center is the pineal or indigo-ray center. Those blocked in this center may experience a lessening of the influx of intelligent energy due to manifestations which appear as unworthiness.

Aion, please try to understand...I am aware of having stepped onto the path, it was the beginning to the greatest part of my life so far, was the inspiration for completely re-vamping my original story, titled The Truth, into the time travelling one I've begun work on, was the cause for my realizations of myself the things that have kept me from committing suicide, and believe me when I say stepping onto that path was absolutely necessary in this incarnation in order for me to complete it.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be here today.  That is not an overdramatic statement, I truly found a inner peace that silenced my desire to end my life.

So it's cause of my distress, that such desires returned after I stepped on the path, stronger than ever, and all I had at the time to stave them off was my anger.  You all saw how that endeavor went, I spiraled into literal madness.

I won't lie, your remarks to me regards my worthiness were almost effortlessly disregarded by me in my entrenched belief of being unworthy.

I'll explore these feelings a bit transparently for you to better understand...At the risk of the judgments they will cause towards me.

I'm uncertain if you know of the psychological implications that come with a child being subjected to repeated affirmations by their maternal and paternal figures of unworthiness.  To this day my mother's words ring in my mind like a gong, 'You're a lazy spoiled rotten no good piece of s*** excuse for a human being', to just list one of several phrases that haunt my view of myself.
As I grew up, further and further realizing over and over how different I was, how, 'wrong', I was. Being made to believe I'm the cause for my mother's future death by her own words.  Being made to believe I was the cause of her and my father's divorce.  Everything that went wrong in my mom's life was thrust upon me as my fault, and I believe it, because it's not entirely incorrect.

Further, you have to see that in my past I was on a road to going somewhere.  I was in school, getting an education, I had friends and wasn't alone, I had a girlfriend who I wanted to marry.  We had a child together and in the long run I ended up becoming a dead-beat father, first not by choice, then eventually, settling into the belief that in some way it still was my choice.  I lost almost all but my closest friends, and of them one has already been removed from my life.  I no longer am going to school, I can't even get back in until I start paying off my loans which I have no desire to, feeling that I shouldn't perpetuate this debt system by participating in it as in my mind education should be free.
On top of that, having discovered that I do have a lifelong mental illness, and that I AM different from everyone, I find again and again the repeating examples of my unworthiness by my own cause towards my self.

I have tried to reason that my life has gone exactly as it should, and will continue to do so, and I have tried to hold on to what Jeremy said, that the being playing me has a better idea than I do of what needs to happen and be done.

None of those things have even scratched the surface of my yellow-ray personality shell in assuring my human identity of it's worthiness in pursuing these things.

I look back across my life and see again and again the Law of One coming from my own works.
I also look back across my life and see, in my view, failure after failure of upholding my belief of what it means to live by the Law of One.

In essence I do feel like a total failure, and in some ways I think all that really means is I'm successfully experiencing what I needed to experience to further my own spiritual progress...But with the way you describe it, it means I am still failing myself.

I mean, what does it take for the self to realize something?  Crying one's self to sleep every night isn't enough.  Going out of my way to keep myself from excesses of pleasure I feel I do not deserve.  Becoming so far distorted in thinking of the self to even believe one deserves to suffer, and that my time spent in those hellish places within my mind were nothing more than experiences I deserved.  I don't even believe I am deserving of a house and a wife and a family.  I truly feel and believe I am supposed to spend this life alone, suffering, and mostly miserable.

What does it mean to believe one's self is worthy?

I even have gone so far as to prepare for permanent homelessness by gathering supplies to become an urban nomad and live off of society while appearing to be a part of it.  That however is as far as I've prepared myself, as nothing can be done to prepare for the inevitable mental sufferings I am going to be inflicting upon myself by just my very manner of thinking.  Further, I'm pretty sure my death will come from being homeless.

...Like, even now as I type this, I'm not sitting at home.  I just got done having a fight with my mom and had to get out of that place, so here I am at a hookah bar using what little money I have left to myself to escape her continual attitude of debasing me and talking s*** to my face then telling me not to take it personally and to get over it.

Further...Sadly, I find it hard to become grounded in this reality.  Doing so often doesn't feel as comforting as just meditating on the violet-ray and letting it tell me where I need to work on my lower triad.  Even then, the only times I can approach the red ray in an attempt to ground myself is in meditations focusing around sexual energy.
This might sound somewhat messed up, but if I had someone to be sexual with, I would have the means to not find it so difficult to ground myself.  As I am though, bringing myself closer to the reality I live in is like walking into fire, it burns me to stand upon Earth as a part of it, because that makes me a part of some of the darkest energies I can think of and imagine.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I feel like even just trying to see myself in a positive light is taking a leap too big for me to traverse...  I was re-reading my own comments as The_Tired_Philosopher, and all that did was depress me greatly that I am that same person.

I don't know if it's appropriate to meet others with kindness out of the sheer desire to be met in kind, but were I to never realize the concept of another being an extension of the self, I probably would be a much crueler person similar to my mother.  That my natural life, without realization of spirit, would lead me to become more negative than positive makes me wonder what my real purpose being here is.  Never mind it also makes me want to terminate this life out of fear of causing more harm than good.

I don't want to be a bad person, yet I am.  It's plain as day and yet people try to tell me I'm a good person.  I cannot believe this.  A good person doesn't explode on others for being themselves.  A good person doesn't assault others with their presence the way I have.  I can be the sweetest person, but the only time I ever truly was, was when I had the Law of One always at the forefront of my mind.  Now that it's taken a backseat I find I once more fall in these patterns in my life...  That naturally lead me to believe these things.

That make me think I'm more monster than lover.

The closest I ever came to balancing all of these feelings was when I believed that I was both monster and lover, im/perfectly balanced to comprehend the entire spectrum of polarity, with a bias towards the positive and a curiosity towards the negative.  In all of it though, not once did I feel worthy.  I felt like I was truly capable of it at one point, but ultimately that subsided back into what I have felt since childhood.

That I am not a good person, or worthy of talking to God, or capable of helping anyone in their own spiritual journey.  The things I've wanted are not things I deserve.

So, all I do is put on a smile in front of people, but no one can see what Nine Inch Nails refers to as 'The big broken machine' that is my views of myself, and nobody cares even once they do witness it.

I see that there is no value to life beyond what it can give another on this world's society.  Animals are only worth the comfort they can give in either their domestication or their presence or their slaughter.  The same goes of plant life.  It's even worse for crystals, minerals, and elements like Fire and Air, Water and Earth, Light and Darkness, as they aren't even considered alive...

Dude, my own crystals don't want me working with them anymore...

Maybe this is all excuses.  Yes, they are excuses.
Because as I said, I am a coward.  Even were I to believe I was worthy, my fear would hold me back then.

Even were I to not be scared, I still think I would have some kind of problem, some kind of issue, some kind of disability, something, somehow, someway, always messing me up.

The fact I'm autistic alone has pretty much made me believe I cannot handle these things, as per Ra's comment of Mental Disease being indicative of an inability to face the self.  For such to manifest at birth tells me it's not even just my yellow-ray personality, it's my entire mind/body/spirit complex.

I can barely handle the yellow-ray energies of society, and now I see I have to handle that as well as the lessons of smoothing out whatever distortions are the cause for this inability to face myself.

I would describe myself as a mess energetically.  There's no one who can put that mess proper, there's nothing that can help me help myself beyond myself, which I am afraid to even face.

I can't even bring myself to view your attempt of helping me as an attempt to help me, I see it as you just doing what you will detached to whatever comes of it.

I'm sorry if this is rude of me.  I just don't see myself the way others do.  I just try to keep at this game of life, but as far as my self-image is concerned.  I may as well be looking at a broken mirror.

Energies like sadness and anger permeate me more easily than any others, and I don't know what that means.  I keep telling myself, one day I will understand and be able to do something about this.  I keep telling myself that.  But, I don't believe it.

I do believe I am meant to suffer.  I just do, its been hammered into my skull, I see it everywhere I look, suffering.  I can't escape it, I tried and stumbled into even worse suffering.  I try to accept it and just become hurt even more.

There's this song that Johnny Cash covered by Nine Inch Nails called 'Hurt', and in it are the lyrics, 'You are someone else, I am still right here'.

I hope that gives you some insight into the extreme depths of self depreciation I experience.

On the exact flipside, I see myself as someone capable of extreme amounts of love and wisdom, able to transmute all of that suffering. (I just lack the energy to handle transmuting ALL of the suffering)  I see that I am kind, generous, even capable of unconditional love to complete and total strangers.  To myself.  To creation.  I believe I am not a complete monster, but a consciousness that has become such at one point now moving away from it all.

I can only imagine, ponder, wonder, contemplate what my past lives must be causing in this life.  I can't afford hypnotherapy, I can't access the tools of discovery that are available.  I am truly alone in these energies of self-discovery.  Where I feel others have a clear grasp of themselves, I am here circling the drain of dissolution.  I look at myself and see phantoms.  Others look at me and see angels.  I look at others and see God's.  They look at themselves and see creatures.  I feel like an alien on this planet, everything I am, feel, experience, seems to contrast against others in ways that separate me.  Make me...Strange.

This is mimicked in my own posting style, I can't seem to put together a coherent and concise explanation, ever.  Yet another can come in and say to me exactly what I was saying, without ever realizing I was saying that exact thing.  It's some kind of cosmic joke I think.  I have an entire existence to give, and all I give are stumbling blocks...  I have entire worlds to share, and can only give the crumbs.  I have an entire love of something, and only serve to damage it.

So when I speak of feeling like a big broken machine, like a broken mirror, simply, 'broken', I speak from feelings I have had my entire life.

I'm like a speaker with a nasty feedback loop that blares and hurts everyone's ears.  I don't mean to be so, I just am so.

How can any of that lead me to the belief of worthiness?

I believe everyone else is in someway worthy, and I try to pull that from them.  In so doing, I again, and again, and again, find that where I should feel worthy as well, is only emptiness.

You know of that saying, the feeling of a hole in the chest?  The sensation of a void inside?

Maybe something ripped it out of me.  Maybe I ripped it out of myself.  Maybe I did as I said in an earlier post in this thread, tore off a part of myself just for the experience.

And maybe I just serve as an agent of confusion and catalyst on this forum...I don't feel like I belong here, out of unworthiness.

You're all so...Worthwhile.  I can't even contribute in the same.

Hah, it really is like a cosmic joke.  I just looked up across the hookah bar I'm in and there's one of my ex-girlfriends staring right at me, reminding me of how I failed being her best friend...

I don't know, Aion.  More and more I find reason to believe I am unworthy, even as I look to see the opposite.

What could it mean for a being to feel so negatively towards its self...?

[Aion]

Man, it sounds like you're grieving and grief is one of the most suffocating and consuming emotions I know of, but that's a good thing in a way if you can see that you are grieving. This is probably a silly question but do you cry much?

I think everything you say makes sense in the context of one who is grieving their loss not just of others but of self. It's okay to grieve, better out than to keep it in. That's what I think your anger has been from too is your immense grief and perhaps a feeling of powerlessness to fix what is broken. Not sure if I'm anywhere near the mark but that is the sense I get. I think a lot of your difficulty in processing certain abstracts is due to this grief within you. It seems even your hell you experienced was characterized by unending grief.

It is good to let grief happen and to grieve, but then one may also ask like Ra and find the opposite to balance, what is the opposite of grief?

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I cry every night before I fall asleep, as much as I feel ashamed and embarrassed to admit that.

I do cry sometimes when writing my posts on here, especially when I'm explaining something like feeling broken.  I cried to some of Jade's responses to me.

I don't cry easily either, at least not anymore, not since watching Naruto and seeing him meet those feelings that made him cry with an ever greater desire to be accepted and not give up.

What is the opposite of grief...  I...I cannot think of the emotion.  Strange, I'm typically really good at thinking up the opposites of something, but I've...Never even considered the opposite of grief.  I don't view my internal suffering as 'grief' so that might be why I never considered thinking about it's opposite.  Maybe a quick search through thesauras will help...

http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/grief

Well, superficially reading the opposites is one thing, now that I have an idea, I'll look into the more deep connections that exist between grief and relief.

I don't mean to come off as a pity party.  I'm just being stupidly open and honest about myself, in hopes it'll help others when they interact with me so that there's no major surprises at anything I say that might seem uncharacteristic.

Imagine my surprise when a friend of mine told me all my talk of depression and suicide didn't seem anything like me.  As far as I know, I've been suicidal and depressed since I was 5 years old, it's exactly who I am...

Still though, there's more to me than just one side, I'm known for calling myself a paradox so I'm pretty sure the fact others see one side of me while I see a total opposite is indicative of my being paradoxical.

[Aion]

Sometimes it's not what we see in ourselves that changes but our perspective on it. From one perspective within yourself you are 'as you are' but of course there are other points of view to consider.

I think it's good to cry, I'm honestly not very good at it, too much of a stoic streak, but I do think it is quite healthy.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Odd, I thought you would be the kind of guy to cry now and then more often than not. Though I assume that of many people following the adept path...

[Agua del Cielo]

Dear Apo, or Philosopher,
I would like to offer you some thoughts:

First let me say, i can truly relate to your suffering, since i almost experienced nothing else until i started my healing journey in my early thirties.
And i must say that it is entirely possible to transform a completely messed up life which seems to consist of nothing much else than suffering into an adventurous journey that brings deep understanding, healing, is very very fascinating and will improve more and more on an emotional level.
There is no single experience or state of suffering,grief or whatever that cannot be solved into love and light!

Let me say a word about the ego and the intellect.
Thinking is not your mind, itis a function of your ego.
The ego is no mistake but a "sacred device". The ego is the tool that enables you to experience seperation. It is born out of trauma, ultimately the trauma of being seperated from unity.
This would be the core experience that (in my current understanding) is the biggest part ofthe "veil".
The ego on one hand keeps you from experiencing the pain of seperation and enables you to perceive yourself as seperate entity.
Without this you would dissolve in love and light, which sounds good in theory but if you re really facing it, the fear of losing the identity and ultimately dying is immense!
The ego has a portion in the mind, the emotions and in the physical body.
The mind-portion of the ego would be "thinking". I dont want to take it to the extreme and comdemn thinking. But the thoughtprocess is one the means that seperates you from your inner self and from unity.
That would explain why imagining states like infinity with the intellect are ultimately fruitless.
Its because the intellectual mind is the very opposite of it. Stillong the intellectual mind would be prerequisite for experiencing these states, if you know what i mean.

Second thing, in the unbalanced and immature being (which we are all at least until we make considerable progress) the main problem is usually dealing with unpleasant emotions.
This stems from old unprocessed emotions. Atthe time we had these experiences, it was too much for us to deal with, so we suppressed it and "installed" various means of defense and control to prevent such situations from reoccuring and the emotions from surfacing (we would probably be able to deal with them nowadays, but we never change the old belief that it would be too much for us).

One of the mosteffective control mechanisms would be "thinking". Try to observe it, when you have unpleasant emotions, engage in much thinking, then you will seperate from the heavy charge of the emotions. Now, refuse to engage in thinking and focus on the emotions, quite a huge difference.

As you said, there seem to be many emotions present (which is a great thing!), the advantage is, you dont have to dig very deep to find your issues!
When you take the emotion of anger for example, you said you can either suppress it or act itout, which bothis not desirable for you.
The third possibility would be to allow it, be very present with it, without acting it out.
The increased presence or awareness reduces the "charge" of the emotion, you donthave to suppress nor hurt someone with it.
After a while, the unpleasant emotion will subside, sometimes after ten minutes, sometimes ittakes weeks.
You will however reduce the charge of the emotion each time you do this plus it will all serve as fuel to your presence and awareness.
Once you allow the emotion fully, with complete acceptamce, it mostoften is noteven unpleasant anymore but just a very strong energy.

Especially with anger i had much difficulties. It would be hard for me not to engage in thought or become sleepy, when i tried to deal with it in meditation.
I "developed" a walking meditation for me.
I would go outside, if possible into nature where no people would distract me.
I would walk at a steady pace, perform very deep breathing coordinated with my steps and try to focus as much as possible onthe emotion.
The steadiness of motion reduces distraction, the deep breathing brings the emotions to the surface in greater intensity, the moving of the body prevents the body from tightening (which weakens the flow of energy, thus emotions) and loosens where you already tightened, and the moving itself is a good way to act out the emotion.
When i am dealing with anger i usually walk very fast and uphill
This practice has helped me through very heavy unpleasant emotions, you could give it a try, if itresonates with you!
You can do this with any feeling, grief, sadness, anger, onworthieness.

Once the "charge" of the present emotion has been "discharged" you will mostprobably much better and much more alive.

A word to the balancing exercise:
In my understanding, the firstpart is really going as deep as possible into the emotion (since the emotion would be a more direct experience, whereas a thought would be a more "theoretical" experience). When the first emotion, lets say anger subsides, usually the opposite state starts to arise.
(Looking for opposites in the dictionary might not be a good idea, since what you consider being the opposite is not necessarily the opposite of what you experienced).
At some point in one's evolution these two "opposite" qualities will completely permeate each other, both being acknodlegded as eternal and valid parts of creation, at that point the deeper "truth" beyond polarity will arise.
So, equilibrium is only the first stage, the transcendance of polarity the "final" stage.

For example, being seperated.
The opposite would be being connected.
Once both states of being arefully accepted, simultaneously so to say, a deeper state arises.
Which would be unity or one-ness.

Does any ofthis make sense to you?
I hope it will be of some help!

And ostof all: you will make it through all this with unimaginable gain!
I know that itis entirely possible and itis possible for you

[Agua del Cielo]

I want to add one more thought:

You have so many questions, all are very valuable and worth a thread oft their own.
With so many questions it is very easy to get completely confused.
I experienced this quite often. Two insights helped me a lot:

When there are so many seemingly different issues that are urgent they
1) either have a common root, which would indicate that its actually only one issue.
You could examine it, if you find anything all have in common.
2) some or many are actually a distractionstrategy of our ego, which does not want us to look at the real issue at the moment.

When you look, where there might be a strong emotion, in which question or issue, you would most likely be on the right track.
At least this was true for me many times. I could then focus on the "main thing" and all of a sudden the other questions were not that important anymore.
This just a guess, but might be worthwhile considering...

[Aion]

Odd, I thought you would be the kind of guy to cry now and then more often than not.  Though I assume that of many people following the adept path...

I'm a bit better with it now, but for years I controlled it and so it was something I have to sort of 'let' myself do. In my teen years I was pretty focused on power and self-mastery and it lead to some negative habits of repression that I have been working to balance for some time now.

[flofrog]

People here never cease to amaze me. Such great well thought out answers.
Bring4th SMC I want in

Couldn't agree more....

[flofrog]

Dear Apo, or Philosopher,
I would like to offer you some thoughts:

First let me say, i can truly relate to your suffering, since i almost experienced nothing else until i started my healing journey in my early thirties.
And i must say that it is entirely possible to transform a completely messed up life which seems to consist of nothing much else than suffering into  an adventurous journey that brings deep understanding, healing, is very very fascinating and will improve more and more on an emotional level.
There is no single experience or state of suffering,grief or whatever that cannot be solved into love and light!

Let me say a word about the ego and the intellect.
Thinking is not your mind, itis a function of your ego.
The ego is no mistake but a "sacred device". The ego is the tool that enables you to experience seperation. It is born out of trauma, ultimately the trauma of being seperated from unity.
This would be the core experience that (in my current understanding) is the biggest part ofthe "veil".
The ego on one hand keeps you from experiencing the pain of seperation and enables you to perceive yourself as seperate entity.
Without this you would dissolve in love and light, which sounds good in theory but if you re really facing it, the fear of losing the identity and ultimately dying is immense!
The ego has a portion in the mind, the emotions and in the physical body.
The mind-portion of the ego would be "thinking". I dont want to take it to the extreme and comdemn thinking. But the thoughtprocess is one the means that seperates you from your inner self and from unity.
That would explain why imagining states like infinity with the intellect are ultimately fruitless.
Its because the intellectual mind is the very opposite of it. Stillong the intellectual mind would be prerequisite for experiencing these states, if you know what i mean.

Second thing, in the unbalanced and immature being (which we are all at least until we make considerable progress) the main problem is usually dealing with unpleasant emotions.
This stems from old unprocessed emotions. Atthe time we had these experiences, it was too much for us to deal with, so we suppressed it and "installed" various means of defense and control to prevent such situations from reoccuring and the emotions from surfacing (we would probably be able to deal with them nowadays, but we never change the old belief that it would be too much for us).

One of the mosteffective control mechanisms would be "thinking". Try to observe it, when you have unpleasant emotions, engage in much thinking, then you will seperate from the heavy charge of the emotions. Now, refuse to engage in thinking and focus on the emotions, quite a huge difference.

As you said, there seem to be many emotions present (which is  a great thing!), the advantage is, you dont have to dig very deep to find your issues!
When you take the emotion of anger for example, you said you can either suppress it or act itout, which bothis not desirable for you.
The third possibility would be to allow it, be very present with it, without acting it out.
The increased presence or awareness reduces the "charge" of the emotion, you donthave to suppress nor hurt someone with it.
After a while, the unpleasant emotion will subside, sometimes after ten minutes, sometimes ittakes weeks.
You will however reduce the charge of the emotion each time you do this plus it will all serve as fuel to your presence and awareness.
Once you allow the emotion fully, with complete acceptamce, it mostoften is noteven unpleasant anymore but just a very strong energy.

Especially with anger i had much difficulties. It would be hard for me not to engage in thought or become sleepy, when i tried to deal with it in meditation.
I "developed" a walking meditation for me.
I would go outside, if possible into nature where no people would distract me.
I would walk at a steady pace, perform very deep breathing coordinated with my steps and try to focus as much as possible onthe emotion.
The steadiness of motion reduces distraction, the deep breathing brings the emotions to the surface in greater intensity, the moving of the body prevents the body from tightening (which weakens the flow of energy, thus emotions) and loosens where you already tightened, and the moving itself is a good way to act out the emotion.
When i am dealing with anger i usually walk very fast and uphill
This practice has helped me through very heavy unpleasant emotions, you could give it a try, if itresonates with you!
You can do this with any feeling, grief, sadness, anger, onworthieness.

Once the "charge" of the present emotion has been "discharged" you will mostprobably much better and much more alive.

A word to the balancing exercise:
In my understanding, the firstpart is really going as deep as possible into the emotion (since the emotion would be a more direct experience, whereas a thought would be a more "theoretical" experience). When the first emotion, lets say anger subsides, usually the opposite state starts to arise.
(Looking for opposites in the dictionary might not be a good idea, since what you consider being the opposite is not necessarily the opposite of what you experienced).
At some point in one's evolution these two "opposite" qualities will completely permeate each other, both being acknodlegded as eternal and valid parts of creation, at that point the deeper "truth" beyond polarity will arise.
So, equilibrium is only the first stage, the transcendance of polarity the "final" stage.

For example, being seperated.
The opposite would be being connected.
Once both states of being arefully accepted, simultaneously so to say, a deeper state arises.
Which would be unity or one-ness.

Does any ofthis make sense to you?
I hope it will be of some help!

And ostof all: you will make it through all this with unimaginable gain!
I know that itis entirely possible and itis possible for you

Muad-dib

I am really moved by your answer on staying with the emotion and really feeling it. living it,  connecting completely with it.  Many many years ago,  I had really one issue,  and that one issue was anger with the person I lived with.  It resolved in the end, and I still live, very happily with the same person..  
My anger was stemming from different events but was definitely aimed at that person that I considered like creating for me a very unfortunate life...  Until I did what you,  Muad-dib exactly said.  After a few weeks of confronting, connecting with this anger, I slowly came to the realization that at the very root, I was in fact only angry at myself. I was the one who was free, who'd freely put myself in that situation to live with this person, and that this person was true to oneself, as that person really was. Whatever grief  I was thinking that person had caused  me,  in the very end, I was angry only at myself for living in that situation.  When I realized that, i remember how free and light I felt at that moment.

The other wonderful thing that happened made me realize that I had been kind to anyone around me, except that person. So I changed 180 degrees towards that person, and.. my life changed ! lol

I really wonder, if in the end,  each time we feel anger, if it is not at the very root, always aimed first at ourself. It is this little inner question that has me smiling a lot,  inside, as so often that little question pops up... lol   Of course if we do think we are all One, well of course, there is only ourself to be angry at  !

Anyway, sorry for this long post, thank you Muad-dib and much love to everyone !!  

[Aion]

We use the same principle of 'blowing the emotion up' so that it can be felt and processed fully in deep emotional healing oriented Reiki practice. I believe Ra also says a similar thing.

46.9 Questioner: Certainly.

Ra: The entity polarizing positively perceives the anger. This entity, if using this catalyst mentally, blesses and loves this anger in itself. It then intensifies this anger consciously in mind alone until the folly of this red-ray energy is perceived not as folly in itself but as energy subject to spiritual entropy due to the randomness of energy being used.

Positive orientation then provides the will and faith to continue this mentally intense experience of letting the anger be understood, accepted, and integrated with the mind/body/spirit complex. The other-self which is the object of anger is thus transformed into an object of acceptance, understanding, and accommodation, all being reintegrated using the great energy which anger began.

[Aion]

Also, I was reading Jeremy's post at the top of the page and I have some thoughts to add to the notion of catalyst. First that it affects body, mind and spirit and that each of these processes its own catalyst. It's not just 'all in the mind' I don't believe.

93.12 Questioner: Then presently we receive catalyst of the mind as we are aware of Ra’s communication and we receive catalyst of the body as our body senses all of the inputs to the body, as I understand it. But could Ra then describe catalyst of the spirit, and are we at this time receiving that catalyst also? And if not, could Ra give an example of that?

Ra: I am Ra. Catalyst being processed by the body is catalyst for the body. Catalyst being processed by the mind is catalyst for the mind. Catalyst being processed by the spirit is catalyst for the spirit. An individual mind/body/spirit complex may use any catalyst which comes before its notice, be it through the body and its senses or through mentation or through any other more highly developed source, and use this catalyst in its unique way to form an experience unique to it, with its biases.

However, we can see that catalyst is relevant towards polarization. Otherwise it has no context.

94.22 Questioner: Then prior to the veiling process that which we call catalyst after the veiling was not catalyst simply because it was not efficiently creating polarity, because this loading process, you might say, that I have diagrammed, of catalyst passing through the veil and becoming polarized experience, was not in effect because the viewing of what we call catalyst by the entity was seen much more clearly as simply an experience of the One Creator and not something that was a function of other mind/body/spirit complexes. Would Ra comment on that statement?

Ra: I am Ra. The concepts discussed seem without significant distortion.

93.11 Questioner: I would like, if possible, an example of the activity we call Catalyst of the Mind in a particular individual undergoing this process. Could Ra give an example of that?

Ra: I am Ra. All that assaults your senses is catalyst. We, in speaking to this support group through this instrument, offer catalyst. The configurations of each in the group of body offer catalyst through comfort/discomfort. In fact all that is unprocessed that has come before the notice of a mind/body/spirit complex is catalyst.

54.24 Questioner: The purpose then, seen from previous to incarnation, of what we call the incarnate physical state, seems to be wholly, or almost wholly, that of experiencing at that point the programmed catalyst and then evolving as a function of that catalyst. Is that correct?

Ra: I am Ra. We shall restate for clarity. The purpose of incarnative existence is evolution of mind, body, and spirit. In order to do this it is not strictly necessary to have catalyst. However, without catalyst the desire to evolve and the faith in the process do not normally manifest and thus evolution occurs not. Therefore, catalyst is programmed and the program is designed for the mind/body/spirit complex for its unique requirements. Thus it is desirable that a mind/body/spirit complex be aware of and hearken to the voice of its experiential catalyst, gleaning from it that which it incarnated to glean.

This evolution as they describe means the progress in to the next density of consciousness according to the philosophy, meaning the threshold of the third density to the fourth needs to be crossed. Thus it wasn't until after veiling that catalyst became a full archetype and was experienced by entities in the way they are now. It was a byproduct of the desire to have more entities cross over the threshold as in pre-veil conditions there was no desire or drive to do so. Therefore I see it that the veil as a separation between the Conscious and Unconscious mind acts to obscure the awareness of the 'greater truth' so that things become more distorted in a way. The veil is an extension of the first distortion, Free Will, and is extended by allowing for both service paths to exist in manifestation.

Thus, according to the scheme pronounced by Ra the whole crux ansata of catalyst and polarization is the evolution of the consciousness so the mind/body/spirit complex, what they call an individual, can progress and cross the threshold in to the next density of consciousness. At least that appears to be the gist of it for me.

[Jade]

Alright, finally caught up on the forums and this thread.

First, I will comment on your McDonald's job. It sounds like to me where you were working was what Ra calls the "gravity well of negativity" - what happens when a third density planet starts to become predominantly negative. The opportunities for "good acts" diminish greatly. You shouldn't beat yourself up over whatever choices you did/didn't make - just look back at them and learn from them.

As far as what polarity you gained/lost, I wouldn't sweat it too hard. But it is possible to evaluate our choices to see where our motives were.
-If you quit your job at McDonald's because you didn't want to learn to get along with your coworkers/customers, that would probably likely be a slight negative polarization
-If you quit because the job didn't align with your higher being, this would be a slight positive
-If you didn't call health department because you were lazy or it seemed to hard, this would be slight negative polarization
-If you didn't call the health department because you didn't want to cause problems for your coworkers, this would be slight positive

Of course, certainly your actions weren't so black and white, but it is possible to see what your motivations for such actions were. Let's take a look at the 'homeless dilemma' as well:
-If you don't give the homeless person money because you sincerely believe they will drink themselves to death, then slight positive
-If you judge the homeless person (without knowing them) and what they are going to spend the money on, and refrain from giving money/water/food, then slight negative
-If you judge the homeless person and still give them money, then slight positive
-If you learn to not judge the homeless person and still offer them the comfort that you can, then big positive

Now, these aren't wired in stone or black and white, these are just meant to be examples to give you a frame of reference to see what motives and intentions you might be carrying. Obviously, we want to do the right thing, and obviously, we aren't always going to. But this is why suspending judgement on the self is very important - so that we can look backwards and learn from our experiences (not "mistakes"). How could I have done it better? Is it possible for me to actively engage in the "better" next time I'm confronted with this experience?

Now, the experience with your family is a perfect example of doing things "by the book" (per Ra). You let your emotions carry the situation. Then, you had a moment of clarity, and you chose to act on the clarity and not the overpowering emotions, which led to some healing. I believe you did the right thing. If you feel like you want to mull the experience over more in your head for a while, go for it! Learn from it for as long and as much as you can. If you feel as if you can't get along with your family in your current states of being, then it's okay to distance yourself from them.

I think, after reading all of these posts, that one thing you really need to focus on is worthiness. Worthiness isn't about what you've done in the past, worthiness is about the now moment. And even in those past moments where you feel as if you cemented your lack of worth, even in your darkest moments, you were worthy then. How do you know you aren't just fulfilling the wishes of your child, to grow up and experience what a "broken" family is like? We play intricate roles for others, ones that we have agreed upon. All of these roles are worthy and valid.

You mentioned that you had faith, but you couldn't have faith in more than that the Creator was out for its own gain. Even so - so what!!! You ARE the Creator! YOU are the one who gains from anything that the One Infinite Creator gains. Well all do! That's why the service to others path is the "obvious" path, because in unity we gain more than we do in separation. That's why learning to unify with others, to dissolve the differences, is the path of least resistance. (Though, third density has been designed to offer us quite a bit of resistance!) You just have to go with it. Take someone you truly admire, whoever it is, and realize you are one with them. Everyone who triggers you is the same as them. This is a big exercise in faith. But, it's entirely true. I use this with my husband - my husband is very unique and I've learned shrug off all of his insanities quite easily, because I love him so much without question, for whatever reason. So I apply that to others, and think, "Would I be okay if Kile did this?" the answer is most often yes, so love gets to break through.

Another way I do this exercise is with my dog Butters. I think, if Butters was in his first or second or 20th human incarnation, still gaining his footing as a third density being, would I be angry at his missteps, or would I be able to see humor and love and ultimately, acceptance in the situation? We're all on different paths that lead to the same place.

So I'll echo what I said in Cirocco's thread, that you need to learn to forgive yourself and learn to love yourself. You've shared almost all of your darkest parts here on these forums, and I've yet to see the pitchforks coming to chase you away. I think you're a pretty average dude in 2017 America, to be honest. Not to be insulting at all. You're just here for this experience, this struggle, this beautiful strange time we are living in right now. Our generation's prophets were Aldous Huxley and George Orwell. We live in a wild world, and you came in knowing all of the temptations that you could and would succumb to.

Aion says you are mourning, and I can see that - you're mourning what you've lost by incarnating. You've begun to pierce the veil, so you can comprehend what you are missing out on. And it's a sharp pain, truly. The only thing I can say is: Learn to love and embrace the confusion. This can go a long way. I know it's hard, but this is why it's good to develop a sense of humor. That way, when events happen that throw you into chaos, you can step back for at least a moment and say, "Well, look at this fine creation I've made! Look at how perfectly events have coincided to drive me the most absolutely mad in this specific moment? HAHA isn't the Creator/(me) SO FUNNY!" Have you ever heard of laughing yoga? Just throwing that out there as a potential alternative to your current bed time ritual.

Love you, if you still have Facebook, add me on there and you can message me anytime and I'll respond when I can. Or we can keep going here. Or both. I'm just really happy you're here, you're reaching, and you're not as angry as you were before. If I can help you in any way, I'd be honored. And if my words help you, I offer them at your convenience.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Jade, your thoughts are always helpful. Even if figures of speech like 'wired in stone' make me have to stop and laugh at the mental image it conjured in me (I don't think a wire going into stone is...I don't think it works that way Jade xD )

Personally, its easy in some areas to forgive myself, I forgive myself when I binge eat, or spend a whole day playing zombie games.

I even forgive myself in some of my failures to love.

It seems only to be on the spiritual contextual front that I become so fiercely judgmental of my self.

Calls me average dude in 2017 America
Means no insult

Let's just wait and see if my ichingonline fortune regards 2017, saying this year will manifest 'a boat load of bodies', is true or not, depending there, we'll see if I take insult or not lol

Even though, I'd take it like a friendly insult the way my best friend and I make fun of each other now and then.

I sometimes feel shame at being an American...My country has some literally unimaginative darkness inside and extended outwardly from it.  I pray we don't repeat history and start a genocide on muslims

Believe me please when I say I was expecting some kind of lash-back against my return...Some resistance.  That you all are just loving makes me both want to leave more, but also stay, in that I feel like I owe it to you all to be better and offer better content in this community after all I've done..

But similarly.  All these things that I've done, just makes me melancholy, that I did that to such loving people, really harms my own view of myself.  I view this as natural and appropriate.

Wouldn't...Or shouldn't the creator feel shame at hurting itself in the energies it most yearned for while under the illusion of human separation? Isn't this just a perfect natural internal catalyst to prior catalyst mishandled?

I don't want to run away from you all, but I'm still scared of hurting someone of great love again...of hurting that which I want the most...  which, where your theme is being met with abuse, mine is being abusive in apathetic ways...

I will take into heart all everyone has said to me.  I'll be looking for my cause of self-grief strickenness as I very clearly am grief-stricken by my own self. I'll be scratching the surface to discovering my apparent inherent worthiness.  And I'll be looking for courage...  and an end to this depression and want to leave life.

I don't personally believe I've pierced the veil, much less scratched it.  I don't view my 'mourning' as belonging to the loss of something that will be regained inevitably.  I feel it towards my human self, I feel like I've taken this human life, and squandered it.  Like I've taken a shining star and snuffed it out, all of my potential, my capabiity, all that I could have been, I ruined myself. All of this wasted potential...

From a mathematician, to a musician, to a scientist, to a technician, a programmer, a game designer, a writer, a graphic artist...

I screwed it all.  Its hard feeling acceptable, 'worthy', or forgivable, when what you love the most, you also fail the most.  That being myself.  And in extension, my God, my self as Creator, my connection to Creator.

Sure, Creator sees no failures in tandem or retrospect.

I as yellow-ray personality shell Joe, in yellow-ray society, do however see failure. My human life is mortal, my time is finite. I can do more than fail my life, I can completely ruin my life, and so far it feels like that is exactly what I've done.

I don't deserve that, at least not my human identity...its so caring...it deserves so much more than what I have been able to provide it...

I don't use social media sites anymore for the most part...  I'm not okay with being used as a psy-op test subject...

Thank you for the replies everyone. I might ask lotsa more questions

[flofrog]

Jade, your thoughts are always helpful. Even if figures of speech like 'wired in stone' make me have to stop and laugh at the mental image it conjured in me (I don't think a wire going into stone is...I don't think it works that way Jade xD )

Personally, its easy in some areas to forgive myself, I forgive myself when I binge eat, or spend a whole day playing zombie games.

I even forgive myself in some of my failures to love.

It seems only to be on the spiritual contextual front that I become so fiercely judgmental of my self.

Calls me average dude in 2017 America
Means no insult

Let's just wait and see if my ichingonline fortune regards 2017, saying this year will manifest 'a boat load of bodies', is true or not, depending there, we'll see if I take insult or not lol

Even though, I'd take it like a friendly insult the way my best friend and I make fun of each other now and then.

I sometimes feel shame at being an American...My country has some literally unimaginative darkness inside and extended outwardly from it.  I pray we don't repeat history and start a genocide on muslims

Believe me please when I say I was expecting some kind of lash-back against my return...Some resistance.  That you all are just loving makes me both want to leave more, but also stay, in that I feel like I owe it to you all to be better and offer better content in this community after all I've done..

But similarly.  All these things that I've done, just makes me melancholy, that I did that to such loving people, really harms my own view of myself.  I view this as natural and appropriate.

Wouldn't...Or shouldn't the creator feel shame at hurting itself in the energies it most yearned for while under the illusion of human separation? Isn't this just a perfect natural internal catalyst to prior catalyst mishandled?

I don't want to run away from you all, but I'm still scared of hurting someone of great love again...of hurting that which I want the most...  which, where your theme is being met with abuse, mine is being abusive in apathetic ways...

I will take into heart all everyone has said to me.  I'll be looking for my cause of self-grief strickenness as I very clearly am grief-stricken by my own self. I'll be scratching the surface to discovering my apparent inherent worthiness.  And I'll be looking for courage...  and an end to this depression and want to leave life.

I don't personally believe I've pierced the veil, much less scratched it.  I don't view my 'mourning' as belonging to the loss of something that will be regained inevitably.  I feel it towards my human self, I feel like I've taken this human life, and squandered it.  Like I've taken a shining star and snuffed it out, all of my potential, my capabiity, all that I could have been, I ruined myself. All of this wasted potential...

From a mathematician, to a musician, to a scientist, to a technician, a programmer, a game designer, a writer, a graphic artist...

I screwed it all.  Its hard feeling acceptable, 'worthy', or forgivable, when what you love the most, you also fail the most.  That being myself.  And in extension, my God, my self as Creator, my connection to Creator.

Sure, Creator sees no failures in tandem or retrospect.

I as yellow-ray personality shell Joe, in yellow-ray society, do however see failure. My human life is mortal, my time is finite. I can do more than fail my life, I can completely ruin my life, and so far it feels like that is exactly what I've done.

I don't deserve that, at least not my human identity...its so caring...it deserves so much more than what I have been able to provide it...

I don't use social media sites anymore for the most part...  I'm not okay with being used as a psy-op test subject...

Thank you for the replies everyone.  I might ask lotsa more questions

Apotheosis,

I had like this tiny thought... what if next morning, you decided to give yourself a break, consider, after all, you are brand new after a night of sleep. You are not.. guilty of anything, or a source of shame, you are new, it's a new page really. And then, you sit and have your fist cup of coffee, and it is really a cup for you, not for anyone else, and it will be like that the next morning too, it is this one instant for you. You are completely worth of this cup, just as we all are. And then you could walk out at some point during the day and find a tree and make this tree your friend, just for you.
And then check out that tree everyday, make sure he is fine, since he is your friend now... After all we do merge with all 2D !!

I do think happiness on Earth is in the small things that are given to us.
Many thoughts to you Apotheosis !

[Aion]

I would suggest that indeed the Creator feels some distortion at its own self-catering harm and so has produced these incredible distortions called compassion, kindness, gentility and peace in balance with this suffering which emerges from its infinitude. I believe the whole concept of valuability is built upon the contrasts inherent within the paradoxes of the One.

[rva_jeremy]

I cry every night before I fall asleep, as much as I feel ashamed and embarrassed to admit that.

The alternative, my dear friend, is so so so much worse. So much. You have nothing of which to be ashamed or embarrassed. This release is, in my opinion, part of the balancing that needs to happen for catalyst to be fully processed. It is not designed to be pleasant. It is designed to register in the roots of mind once allowed to exist. Let the part of yourself that hurts make itself known, because that is the only way the other parts of yourself and the Creator can heal it.

This passage from the Hatonn session I read today speaks to this and the way such pain and suffering seems to linger while within it:

We are aware that the very nature of the physical illusion is such that the individual who is enjoying this illusion experiences many sensations of seeming separation and lack of love. My friends, we can only tell you that this is an illusion. If you allow yourself through meditation to seek reality, you will quickly discover the vast and limitless ocean of love which bathes the entire creation of the Father. There is nothing but this love. Not only is it all about you, but, my friends, it is you in that each fiber of your soul and your physical being is composed of love and light.

Due to this heavy sense of illusion, my friends, it is very possible for you to experience the pain of this lack. It is often intensified in its negative effect by an accompanying belief in the reality of what you know as time. When you experience illusory lack, it is also very easy to further assume that this lack will be for a certain amount of time which seems to be extremely long.

My friends, within meditation make contact with the timeless, the infinite, the eternal truth of creation. Discover love and light of the Creator. It is all about and if you are able to make contact it may flow to you and through you so that you are lifted upward along the spiritual path and are finally free of the illusion.

These experiences are necessary to you, my friends. They are simply your means of spiritually growing while you enjoy the physical experience. However, you need not be limited by the difficulties of this illusory existence. While you are learning you may also go within, my friends, and speed your learning considerably by contact with all that there is. [Hatonn, May 26, 1974, emphasis mine]

It sounds like you're going through an initiation, or at least that's one lens to apply to your experience. Initiations are designed, in my opinion, to test whether you mean the choice you made. Since most choices usually involve letting things go to which we've previously clung, know that your grief is perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable, and is being put to very good use in your larger evolutionary journey.

Take care.

[rva_jeremy]

Also, I was reading Jeremy's post at the top of the page and I have some thoughts to add to the notion of catalyst. First that it affects body, mind and spirit and that each of these processes its own catalyst. It's not just 'all in the mind' I don't believe.

Thanks for pointing this out, Aion. Not sure whether we agree or not, so let me clarify my statement in the hopes that I can learn from you what I'm missing.

The way I model the process is like so:

1. Starting with distortion in thinking, blockages manifest -- either as a result of thinking, or as part of the same process that entails the thinking
   
2. Catalyst emerges from this potentiation that constitutes these blockages/thoughts
   
3. Passing through the veil, catalyst informs the waking experience of the entity
   
4. If the response to experience is a choice to change thinking, the blockage is unblocked and healing/polarization results depending on the choice
   
5. If the response is to ignore the choice, the blockage persists, resulting in more catalyst and, depending on the degree of choice, polarization
   
6. Since the body is the reflection of the mind, the body is the final inflection point of catalyst in experience
   

So what I'm wondering about your point, Aion, is this: surely catalyst affects spirit and body in addition to mind. But in terms of our agency in processing catalyst in waking incarnation, what is there available to us to change other than thought?

For what it's worth, I largely agree with the latter part of your post. There seems to be some sort of strange feedback loop that extends from spirit through mind into body, reaching an inflection point, and traveling back up. So as the mediator between spirit and body I ascribe a great deal of primacy to thought. But I am open to any alternative notion that would help me understand this better, so thank you for contributing and I hope you can help me clarify my thinking here.

[Agua del Cielo]

Also, I was reading Jeremy's post at the top of the page and I have some thoughts to add to the notion of catalyst. First that it affects body, mind and spirit and that each of these processes its own catalyst. It's not just 'all in the mind' I don't believe.

Thanks for pointing this out, Aion.  Not sure whether we agree or not, so let me clarify my statement in the hopes that I can learn from you what I'm missing.

The way I model the process is like so:

1. Starting with distortion in thinking, blockages manifest -- either as a result of thinking, or as part of the same process that entails the thinking
   
2. Catalyst emerges from this potentiation that constitutes these blockages/thoughts
   
3. Passing through the veil, catalyst informs the waking experience of the entity
   
4. If the response to experience is a choice to change thinking, the blockage is unblocked and healing/polarization results depending on the choice
   
5. If the response is to ignore the choice, the blockage persists, resulting in more catalyst and, depending on the degree of choice, polarization
   
6. Since the body is the reflection of the mind, the body is the final inflection point of catalyst in experience
   

So what I'm wondering about your point, Aion, is this: surely catalyst affects spirit and body in addition to mind.  But in terms of our agency in processing catalyst in waking incarnation, what is there available to us to change other than thought?

For what it's worth, I largely agree with the latter part of your post.  There seems to be some sort of strange feedback loop that extends from spirit through mind into body, reaching an inflection point, and traveling back up.  So as the mediator between spirit and body I ascribe a great deal of primacy to thought.  But I am open to any alternative notion that would help me understand this better, so thank you for contributing and I hope you can help me clarify my thinking here.

Honestly, i do notteally agree.
I would describe the process as follows:

-you set up the areas you want to work on in your incarnation beforehand
-you select the surroundings, which point in time, country, society, parents
-you make sure you will have early experiences that set up or re-actualize your blockages by means of traumatic experiences.
-after you experienced this, the blockages will all be in place. All following experiences in life will most likely follow this early-set-up pattern. You will attract similar experiences, causing similar emotions.
At some point, if you re lucky and wake up, you will start to process these emotions, first by catalyst that evokes similar emotions, then gradually getting closerand closer to the original experience. Each time you re presented with catalyst you can make the choice how to respond to it. Allowing the emotion and (if possible) choose love, or suppressing the emotion and strngthen seperation.

Surely, thinking will be involved, in so far as you will be able to consciously decide for dealing withthe situation and how to respond to it.
But, imagine a child being raped for example. There is no way of enough consciousness being present to make a choice for love in such a situation.
In this case you would need to process the old emotions first, Before you would be able to consciously make a choice.

So, ultimately it is about emotions rather than thoughts, i would say.
I rarely met someone who is not able to deal with a thought, but i met many who cannot deal with many emotions

[rva_jeremy]

I certainly see how the fact that I left emotions out of the equation could contribute to the view (perhaps one that I unconsciously share) that it's only about thinking. While I definitely don't believe it's only about thinking, I wonder if I don't act upon that belief.

I am early in acknowledging the primacy of emotions, and I admit that I probably don't understand the interrelation between thought and emotion as well as others here. I'll certainly say that I think they're strongly connected--in other words, it is pattern of thought about who we are, who others are, etc. that contribute to emotional states.

However, I tend to think of emotions as consequences of thinking, just like blockages. It is for this reason that I believe emotions happen to us, that we are utterly subject to them, and that is precisely why it is a criterion of polarization to arrange one's thoughts towards them in terms of acceptance or rejection. I don't mean to imply thinking is the "real thing we do"; only that in terms of using our third density incarnate agency, it seems to be where the rubber hits the road. I'm totally open to the idea there may be more at work here, and I'm sympathetic to the way many probably feel here that my ability to reduce it to a simple system that fits well into words does not mean that completely captures the phenomenon.

For example, you have a catalyzed experience, but it is the thinking you do to train your attention on the emotions it evokes that leads to whether you balance it or not. The emotions aren't in your control; the thinking, however, is. Thinking differently, perceiving differently, that is what transmutes the emotion from a seeming impediment or pain into a gem. This doesn't mean the training of attention has to be part of conscious thought, as I'm certain the mind has much vaster resources than we experience. But I don't know how to model attention sans mind. But I do know how to think about emotions sans mind and consider them the, you might say, base facts of experience that we use thought to crunch. In other words, without emotion we would never have any squeaky wheel telling us we need grease, but we still have the cognitive choice to apply grease or sand or nothing.

Thanks for reaching out to me, Muad-dib. I will try to feel your argument as much as I think it, lol.

P.S. Thanks for introducing the preincarnative planning aspect as well. I think this is totally missing from my model.

P.P.S. I believe that Jade and Austin have suggested to me in the past that it might be well to consider emotions phenomena of the body--at least emotions as we typically understand them. This might be a way to align the emotional valence of experience with the mental dimension. This would also give a unity to catalyst of the mind and catalyst of the body, since the latter could be seen as a more manifest version of the former. I'm speculating, of course.

[sriyantra]

Carla's NDE gave her the choice to come back and experience two childhoods to spread out her catalyst so it was more manageable. She said no to that and decided to complete this incarnation, in which she was mostly through childhood.

This is really interesting; would someone be able to explain what is meant by the choice to experience two childhoods? Like, spread out across two lives, or something else?