Kia ora
I have already posted about some of the topics below.
I've decided I'm gonna write statuses on FB n use feedback on how it's received, as research for a book.
It's based around the idea of waking up and what that term means, to me.
This is completely subjective to each individual n I mean no offense to any of us out here going through our own ups n downs. This is just MY perspective on what's going on in the universe.
My aim is to share what I've gone through and maybe understand things in a new way....I'm hoping it might help others who are going through similar things, feel like they're not alone...
I been crazy homie.
Lessgo!
Part I
The beginning and the end.
March 19, 2002...my 22nd birthday.
Someone passes me a celebratory joint n I take my first toke in 3 years.
This is some OG Wainui skunky indo funk n I hit it atleast 3 times.
I'm so high, I can't even remember where my hands are...so I kick back n talk s***, well into the evening *eeeeuurrr* wrong. Home was 30 minutes in a direction n I'm finna find it.
I'm busy somewhere in my memory, navigating off ramps n city streets, when I'm snapped back to reality by some a****** honking his horn to my right...in the middle of the round about...where I've stopped at some point in time...for some reason.
Fortunately, I stumble on that small cupboard in my head I've labeled 'reason', find some silverware n sit down at the table of self preservation.
I park up and start drifting off.
It's around 1pm, so the sun is still quite high in the sky but it's autumn, so it isn't as blinding as mid summer.
I don't remember now, how or why but I start staring into the sun.
At first, it's uncomfortable but my eyes quickly adjust.
The sun begins to turn black and it looks like the pupil of the eye of God.
As I begin to contemplate what I'm seeing, a tunnel of light starts descending, as if the arms of the sun are reaching out to me, calling me home. It slowly descends and then returns to itself, time and time again. With each descent, it gets nearer...until eventually, it engulfs me.
I'm in another place and time.
I understand that I am this energy that exists forever in this place.
I understand that this place is where we fragment and forget we are all that is.
Moving pictures flash in my mind. I see spiral staircases being ascended by those who choose to see this truth...and auto walkways, carrying the sleeping masses in a neverending, repeated cycle.
I'm getting answers to questions, almost before I've finished thinking them.
I start seeing how I have been asleep.
Then I begin a process of self analysis, where I feel like I'm going through what's referred to as 'Judgement Day', in the Bible.
I get a feeling and then a thought, which is connected to the origin of the feeling. I realize these thoughts and feelings, are the things preventing me from living in this glorious moment, for all eternity.
I begin asking for help, from who I see as God, or the being who is at the top of the staircase.
I stare into the sun and feel the pain of forever. I cried soul cries, to the point that I feel like my chest is going to implode under the weight.
At the moment I feel like I can't possibly be forgiven for this type of misery, I surrender and ask for forgiveness...only to have the instant feeling that I was always forgiven but it was me who had to forgive myself. I am shown time and time again, that forgiveness is the path to release. I understand that when I choose to love myself and all around me, I find the balanced perspective and level up.
Each level is different to the last and requires a larger 'leap of faith'.
I begin to understand that everyone wants to appreciate the perfection of God but that we have chosen the darkest road, we came to understand it's darkest side...the separation that is us: Unconscious entities, trapped in the system of Babylon.
At some point I decide that I must be dying.
I want to take on the pain of the Christ.
I feel like I'm being crucified and this is what Jesus went through.
So, having the equivalent spiritual maturity and bravado mentality of an 80s kid in a spacey parlor with a big old bag of 20c coins, I figure 'let's go then nigga!'...on some 'sheeit I'm dead anyway, let's ride this maafucca til the wheels fall off!', s***...I throw the whole bag in that b**** n watch the credits clock up.
4 hours or so go by.
I'm exhausted, weak and my eyes were sore from the salty tears streaming from my face...I hadn't looked away or even blinked.
I feel like I'm moving into the next part of this process as I close my eyes.
I can see myself in a volcano, perched on a crumbling pillar, high above a lava lake. It feels like if I open my eyes, or lose focus on the loving forgiveness, I'll plummet to a fiery grave.
At some point, I feel entities jumping on the roof. The car is shaking but I know it's a test. It feels surreal...my conscious mind is questioning how I can hear n feel the jumping in real time, yet my third eye is perceiving what seemed to be something entirely subjective and in my head.
I can see them jumping on the roof of the car, with my 3rd eye. I see that my ego is being tested to see if I needed eyes to see, or if I will revert back to the need to have physical proof for what I see with my highest sight.
I don't budge.
I am now single minded in my resolve to walk the path until I prove myself.
It is a see-saw type of thing, where I start with feeling the most worthless I've ever felt about myself...then understand what is causing the feeling...then surrender to the balanced perspective...before being allowed to bask in an even deeper love until eventually, I reach a plateau.
I'm at the end of time.
My daughter is here, with the rest of my spiritual family.
I'm crying because it feels like heaven or some place where nothing bad ever happens. I want to open my eyes and see my baby girl grown up but she tells me it isn't time yet and I have to stay in my time. I'm allowed to stay for a while...I don't remember anything about what I was shown. I can remember the sadness that filled my heart everytime it dawned on me that I would have to come back to this world.
At some point, i open my eyes.
By this time, it's nearly 6 and the sun is pretty low in the sky. It's beautiful...even moreso, now that it's not giving me a feeling equivalent to slicing my eyeballs with razor blades.
I see dark storm clouds approach from both sides. They cover the sun completely. I feel a twinge of pain, as I remember the still fresh ordeal I've just endured, with the darkness.
Now that I think about it. I think it was the same darkness of my vision...What I went through was on a spiritual level. This was my higher self, or God aspect, showing me I still had to go through the physical experience which the vision was only half of.
At the time, I understand that although this love is me and I feel like I'd never turn my back on it, there was a darker time coming. One I that would be darker than anything I'd ever experienced.
I feel like something is different inside me this time though. As the forces of ignorance finally extinguish the final glimpses of Gods fiery pupil, I hear a distinct phrase in my head: 'You might not always be able to see my light, physically but if you concentrate and remember this state of forgiveness and humility, I will always appear.'
As I remember the feeling and felt love course through my veins, light pierces the dark clouds and shines directly on me. Then it burns away all the clouds and is bathing me in love.
I go from epiphany to epiphany, as I receive what feel like downloads of information and feelings. I can understand entire concepts and maintain a 'macroview', whilst breaking down individual aspects or ideas at a 'microview'.
I didn't stop searching.
My relentless need to know answers and make sense of what my path was, became an obsession.
I lost sight of what mattered most in life.
I lost my family and that was more than I could deal with at 24.
It set me on a downward spiral where my darkest intentions were depleting my will to live. So, in an effort to find the end of life as fast as possible, I listened to both sides of my heart.
See the other side, or my best intentions, were living in a reality where I wanted to help those I saw as most deserving. Those who put their money where their mouths were n lived outside the system I hated with a passion.
I lived the darkness to the point where I surrendered to it. I embraced death and wished it upon myself n others.
At the lowest point in my depression, I made a conscious decision to stop breathing for 10 minutes, before resurrecting myself.
This was the darkest point of my journey through the lower heavens.
I have already posted about some of the topics below.
I've decided I'm gonna write statuses on FB n use feedback on how it's received, as research for a book.
It's based around the idea of waking up and what that term means, to me.
This is completely subjective to each individual n I mean no offense to any of us out here going through our own ups n downs. This is just MY perspective on what's going on in the universe.
My aim is to share what I've gone through and maybe understand things in a new way....I'm hoping it might help others who are going through similar things, feel like they're not alone...
I been crazy homie.
Lessgo!
Part I
The beginning and the end.
March 19, 2002...my 22nd birthday.
Someone passes me a celebratory joint n I take my first toke in 3 years.
This is some OG Wainui skunky indo funk n I hit it atleast 3 times.
I'm so high, I can't even remember where my hands are...so I kick back n talk s***, well into the evening *eeeeuurrr* wrong. Home was 30 minutes in a direction n I'm finna find it.
I'm busy somewhere in my memory, navigating off ramps n city streets, when I'm snapped back to reality by some a****** honking his horn to my right...in the middle of the round about...where I've stopped at some point in time...for some reason.
Fortunately, I stumble on that small cupboard in my head I've labeled 'reason', find some silverware n sit down at the table of self preservation.
I park up and start drifting off.
It's around 1pm, so the sun is still quite high in the sky but it's autumn, so it isn't as blinding as mid summer.
I don't remember now, how or why but I start staring into the sun.
At first, it's uncomfortable but my eyes quickly adjust.
The sun begins to turn black and it looks like the pupil of the eye of God.
As I begin to contemplate what I'm seeing, a tunnel of light starts descending, as if the arms of the sun are reaching out to me, calling me home. It slowly descends and then returns to itself, time and time again. With each descent, it gets nearer...until eventually, it engulfs me.
I'm in another place and time.
I understand that I am this energy that exists forever in this place.
I understand that this place is where we fragment and forget we are all that is.
Moving pictures flash in my mind. I see spiral staircases being ascended by those who choose to see this truth...and auto walkways, carrying the sleeping masses in a neverending, repeated cycle.
I'm getting answers to questions, almost before I've finished thinking them.
I start seeing how I have been asleep.
Then I begin a process of self analysis, where I feel like I'm going through what's referred to as 'Judgement Day', in the Bible.
I get a feeling and then a thought, which is connected to the origin of the feeling. I realize these thoughts and feelings, are the things preventing me from living in this glorious moment, for all eternity.
I begin asking for help, from who I see as God, or the being who is at the top of the staircase.
I stare into the sun and feel the pain of forever. I cried soul cries, to the point that I feel like my chest is going to implode under the weight.
At the moment I feel like I can't possibly be forgiven for this type of misery, I surrender and ask for forgiveness...only to have the instant feeling that I was always forgiven but it was me who had to forgive myself. I am shown time and time again, that forgiveness is the path to release. I understand that when I choose to love myself and all around me, I find the balanced perspective and level up.
Each level is different to the last and requires a larger 'leap of faith'.
I begin to understand that everyone wants to appreciate the perfection of God but that we have chosen the darkest road, we came to understand it's darkest side...the separation that is us: Unconscious entities, trapped in the system of Babylon.
At some point I decide that I must be dying.
I want to take on the pain of the Christ.
I feel like I'm being crucified and this is what Jesus went through.
So, having the equivalent spiritual maturity and bravado mentality of an 80s kid in a spacey parlor with a big old bag of 20c coins, I figure 'let's go then nigga!'...on some 'sheeit I'm dead anyway, let's ride this maafucca til the wheels fall off!', s***...I throw the whole bag in that b**** n watch the credits clock up.
4 hours or so go by.
I'm exhausted, weak and my eyes were sore from the salty tears streaming from my face...I hadn't looked away or even blinked.
I feel like I'm moving into the next part of this process as I close my eyes.
I can see myself in a volcano, perched on a crumbling pillar, high above a lava lake. It feels like if I open my eyes, or lose focus on the loving forgiveness, I'll plummet to a fiery grave.
At some point, I feel entities jumping on the roof. The car is shaking but I know it's a test. It feels surreal...my conscious mind is questioning how I can hear n feel the jumping in real time, yet my third eye is perceiving what seemed to be something entirely subjective and in my head.
I can see them jumping on the roof of the car, with my 3rd eye. I see that my ego is being tested to see if I needed eyes to see, or if I will revert back to the need to have physical proof for what I see with my highest sight.
I don't budge.
I am now single minded in my resolve to walk the path until I prove myself.
It is a see-saw type of thing, where I start with feeling the most worthless I've ever felt about myself...then understand what is causing the feeling...then surrender to the balanced perspective...before being allowed to bask in an even deeper love until eventually, I reach a plateau.
I'm at the end of time.
My daughter is here, with the rest of my spiritual family.
I'm crying because it feels like heaven or some place where nothing bad ever happens. I want to open my eyes and see my baby girl grown up but she tells me it isn't time yet and I have to stay in my time. I'm allowed to stay for a while...I don't remember anything about what I was shown. I can remember the sadness that filled my heart everytime it dawned on me that I would have to come back to this world.
At some point, i open my eyes.
By this time, it's nearly 6 and the sun is pretty low in the sky. It's beautiful...even moreso, now that it's not giving me a feeling equivalent to slicing my eyeballs with razor blades.
I see dark storm clouds approach from both sides. They cover the sun completely. I feel a twinge of pain, as I remember the still fresh ordeal I've just endured, with the darkness.
Now that I think about it. I think it was the same darkness of my vision...What I went through was on a spiritual level. This was my higher self, or God aspect, showing me I still had to go through the physical experience which the vision was only half of.
At the time, I understand that although this love is me and I feel like I'd never turn my back on it, there was a darker time coming. One I that would be darker than anything I'd ever experienced.
I feel like something is different inside me this time though. As the forces of ignorance finally extinguish the final glimpses of Gods fiery pupil, I hear a distinct phrase in my head: 'You might not always be able to see my light, physically but if you concentrate and remember this state of forgiveness and humility, I will always appear.'
As I remember the feeling and felt love course through my veins, light pierces the dark clouds and shines directly on me. Then it burns away all the clouds and is bathing me in love.
I go from epiphany to epiphany, as I receive what feel like downloads of information and feelings. I can understand entire concepts and maintain a 'macroview', whilst breaking down individual aspects or ideas at a 'microview'.
I didn't stop searching.
My relentless need to know answers and make sense of what my path was, became an obsession.
I lost sight of what mattered most in life.
I lost my family and that was more than I could deal with at 24.
It set me on a downward spiral where my darkest intentions were depleting my will to live. So, in an effort to find the end of life as fast as possible, I listened to both sides of my heart.
See the other side, or my best intentions, were living in a reality where I wanted to help those I saw as most deserving. Those who put their money where their mouths were n lived outside the system I hated with a passion.
I lived the darkness to the point where I surrendered to it. I embraced death and wished it upon myself n others.
At the lowest point in my depression, I made a conscious decision to stop breathing for 10 minutes, before resurrecting myself.
This was the darkest point of my journey through the lower heavens.