10-11-2018, 01:54 PM
I guess this is a self acceptance post. - I am a wanderer and I am mediocre at everything but love and maybe self awareness.
So much of culture is competition and doing great things, or doing lots of things as great as one can, achievement and progress.
Survival of the "fittest" now encompasses so many things to do well.
2019 is my year of stepping closer to full self acceptance.
To do that I have to be more than just aware I am mediocre at life but accept that and fully see I am still as of value as anyone else.
I know that on a soul level but my ego still has some control that thinks I should have measured proof of my value.
I am done that game. It is no longer and never really was fun.
I have always known on some level I was kept only pretty good at stuff, never the best or even great and I have consciously knew it was designed this way to keep me from being prideful. Good plan. It worked but it's time to fully stop punishing myself subconsciously for not being what the world approves of.
It's funny how you can know and believe something intellectually a long time but the path to full acceptance is long.
I have a mediocre business and make mediocre money. It's enough I cover 40% of our household income but it might not always be the case. I likely only have 15 more years I can do this job then I as of yet do not know what I will do or how much I will earn.
I could make much more in my current business but I am a mediocre business person. Honestly I think I am only in business because people trust me, they like me and they know I care about them and their projects so that makes up for my truly not being the best... at anything.
I also still even after all this time healing can still only handle so much time out in the world. My intestinal fortitude is mediocre.
I used to be extremely smart but a few head injuries have left me, you guessed it mediocre.
I am not the best cook. 35% of the time I will make food better than you could get at a restaurant, the rest of the time it is surprisingly just ok. So mediocre really.
I'm pretty great with plants, animals, other peoples kids/teens, and intimate relationships. I am good at love.
I love people and I can make people feel really good mind/body/soul depending on the situation but everything else I am just ok and/or mediocre at.
I will keep trying and maybe one day find some other stuff I am not mediocre at but I am going to accept myself now and not hold it against myself if those things never show up.
This feels a bit like taking off the remaining mask of seeking acceptance and starting to fully except myself.
2019 hopefully is the year, if I prove mediocre at this too I will just keep trying.
Thanks for reading and being a part of my unveiling.
So much of culture is competition and doing great things, or doing lots of things as great as one can, achievement and progress.
Survival of the "fittest" now encompasses so many things to do well.
2019 is my year of stepping closer to full self acceptance.
To do that I have to be more than just aware I am mediocre at life but accept that and fully see I am still as of value as anyone else.
I know that on a soul level but my ego still has some control that thinks I should have measured proof of my value.
I am done that game. It is no longer and never really was fun.
I have always known on some level I was kept only pretty good at stuff, never the best or even great and I have consciously knew it was designed this way to keep me from being prideful. Good plan. It worked but it's time to fully stop punishing myself subconsciously for not being what the world approves of.
It's funny how you can know and believe something intellectually a long time but the path to full acceptance is long.
I have a mediocre business and make mediocre money. It's enough I cover 40% of our household income but it might not always be the case. I likely only have 15 more years I can do this job then I as of yet do not know what I will do or how much I will earn.
I could make much more in my current business but I am a mediocre business person. Honestly I think I am only in business because people trust me, they like me and they know I care about them and their projects so that makes up for my truly not being the best... at anything.
I also still even after all this time healing can still only handle so much time out in the world. My intestinal fortitude is mediocre.
I used to be extremely smart but a few head injuries have left me, you guessed it mediocre.
I am not the best cook. 35% of the time I will make food better than you could get at a restaurant, the rest of the time it is surprisingly just ok. So mediocre really.
I'm pretty great with plants, animals, other peoples kids/teens, and intimate relationships. I am good at love.
I love people and I can make people feel really good mind/body/soul depending on the situation but everything else I am just ok and/or mediocre at.
I will keep trying and maybe one day find some other stuff I am not mediocre at but I am going to accept myself now and not hold it against myself if those things never show up.
This feels a bit like taking off the remaining mask of seeking acceptance and starting to fully except myself.
2019 hopefully is the year, if I prove mediocre at this too I will just keep trying.
Thanks for reading and being a part of my unveiling.