06-04-2015, 06:36 AM
Just trying to get some input... And venting some off type of frustration.
All I Truly Know, Is That I Know Nothing. So, this is my default. I do not Know, I Believe though.
The Law of One managed to put me into a Largerspective, I would call myself nihilistic because for me, I see no point to my life. The Universe has recently tried, extensively, to show me there is many important points of all sizes. Yet for me, I feel numb to them. I see myself just casting a gaze outwards, I look and I see the points, but I do not understand. I wanted to love, and I couldn't find a way to do so without harm to myself. So I kept at it and grew numb in some places, in some ways. Then gave up here and there, and let the feelings die out, and let the pains gray over and blur out into black. Inviting the void to eat me up in places that otherwise already don't feel present.
I listen to this song by Nine Inch Nails called Into the Void and it has this chorus where Trent Reznor just screams over and over, 'Tried to Save Myself' until he starts losing coherency with the song itself like he's off track on purpose. Then the chorus ends as he whispers over and over 'Tried to Save Myself' but only to admit finally, 'But I Just Keep Slipping'.
And I think it fits the bill about right. Slipping Into the Void. I think the full realization came the other week when I had that Hellsperience (I seriously don't know what to call it.) and found myself in a trapped perspective of having no choice and no say, just being stuck in this place doing whats required of me, because in actuality I've lost most of my desire to be here. I admitted to a friend the other day after we got into a small argument...And long story short I found I accidentally summed myself up as a literal Wanderer who's just trying to Survive. And I realize the inherent devious hidden inference in that phrase, Just Trying. It means I'm not Doing all the time.
Yet no one ever notices. And no one seems to care, and that's okay. That is everyone's Free Will at work I see now. I see they make choices and that's their decisions. So when I found all of my desires, about a good 85+% of them all were finally still and gone, I looked inwards and realized I was pretty much empty in terms of desire, with a few lights left on but most long extinguished.
And that's okay too, cause I did that intentionally by my own choice. Because I didn't want to change, but I did regardless, meaning my entire original points were all meaningless to begin with. I extinguished everything for no reason basically thinking there was one. Like a paranoid child hides a cookie in his pocket and walks by his Mom, but in his paranoia of her finding out, completely ruins his own guise by making it so utterly obvious. All that work, and I did it to my self. And I had the entire cosmos telling me it, and I didn't want to listen. But I did finally, and there we go. I get placed back into the smallerspective.
Which is here. In my house, in my room, on my bed. Alone. Quiet. Still but never silent. No motivation to do anything but waste time and procrastinate and do nothing. Tired and confused about women. Sad and annoyed at my job. Worried about my mom. Yet happy for so many other things but just overall not focused on them. I find I have essentially all I need. So I feel like my basic desire is met, and having really no other desires but spiritual and personal ones, I only work to try and fulfill the want for a car, in hopes of jumpstarting a social life and getting more opportunities since I started the Law of One to interact with people during the day. Since I began the LOO, I have been on an overnight shift. With that desire for a car being the one of the only other desires that I'm willing to discuss here, not including one other desire...With only one other after that one being left that I haven't already mentioned.
Either way. I've taken inventory and found myself somewhat hollow. It's not a bad thing, was alarming for a moment but then I kind of realized it wasn't a big deal. I did want to be transparent in personality as to allow the Creator to come through, but I imagine that'd require doing so with unconditional love towards the outer dream, not indifference...
So when you live feeling like a void, it's sort of like you just don't care anymore. You still obviously give a damn, but to expend the emotion is to provide energy I don't feel I have. I opt for being kindly, even compassionate, but it's dispersed at the slightest motion of negativity. I just mirror energy but not output or tone. It tends to work well enough at repulsion of undesirable people. And it worked much better than Love sadly.
Which further hits me in the face, as to how people would rather make indifference an easier trait to be expressed than love, when they all want love. The society aspects were always backwards and confusing to me, but sometimes they're outright incompatible. I don't want to change myself into emptiness and indifference just to survive because Love wasn't enough for everyone else so they needed to continue being cruel and indifferent too.
So when that basic means of operation becomes an issue and I no longer desire to be indifferent, I'll land back right in hell very much confused by why everyone doesn't seem to care. Maybe being a sensitive person just means you need to get used to insensitivity. I just want to let it be and be let be.
Either way. For someone who flirts with death mentally and wishes for a contempt of his own mortality, I'm a pretty timid and cautious person. Survival was always a fascination to me the moment I read The Hatchet. It stuck with me and lasted into my teenage years, I took a bit of Archery and probably would have done Boy Scouts if not for some sketchy stuff apparently -shrugs- but I found that I was then enthralled, so very, very badly desired a Post-Apocalypse setting. Mixed with the inherent survival enjoyment mixed with the overall setting of survival.
I sometimes wish I could just go into the wilderness, and live out there with one other person... Or alone. It's hard to say anymore because I no longer actually want that. It's like a fading desire/memory, kind of like many other things I no longer remember but knew something was once there... While others are clearly parts of me missing now. Enjoyment of Video Games, Movies, Shows, Manga, Anime, all mostly gone. Others like hobbies I once had and don't remember. It is like a literal void does eat them up. Some times I look in a place in my head, and it's empty and I think 'Huh, I thought...Huh...' (kind of like you can't think of something, but instead of being at the tip of your tongue feeling, it's closer to you can't remember what it was but you used to know it.)
And that is actually somewhat scary. Looking inwards and finding emptiness. I always thought I'd find fullness, but I found that on the inner-outer (if that makes any sense... Which no, no it does not.) Kind of like, the first times I looked inward I was scratching the surface, which was fullness. But then beneath that is a lot of ash where much flame used to be.
It's like having a portion of yourself as a void, and another portion is as your fullness.
I feel so All-Encompassing but today I'm in the empty created inside my own fullness. I hung out with some friends just a few hours ago and got really bad emotional wants to be alone when I realized half of them were drunk and they all just wanted to drive around, smoke, blast music, and 'do stuff' without actually really specifying anything to do. I guess that swiveled me over into darkness and made me want to just be stuck in the void in my head than actually be there with them.
Life on Planet Earth today left me feeling lonely and yearning to be alone. How that works out? Maybe I should just do what my emotional body is telling me. It's just that being alone constantly... Can really drive me off the sanity-edge lol.
Why can't I have one person to be with in person who... -long sigh- It's weird how I miss my ex for how she used to be, more than for her friendship. I wish I knew another person kind of like her.
All I Truly Know, Is That I Know Nothing. So, this is my default. I do not Know, I Believe though.
The Law of One managed to put me into a Largerspective, I would call myself nihilistic because for me, I see no point to my life. The Universe has recently tried, extensively, to show me there is many important points of all sizes. Yet for me, I feel numb to them. I see myself just casting a gaze outwards, I look and I see the points, but I do not understand. I wanted to love, and I couldn't find a way to do so without harm to myself. So I kept at it and grew numb in some places, in some ways. Then gave up here and there, and let the feelings die out, and let the pains gray over and blur out into black. Inviting the void to eat me up in places that otherwise already don't feel present.
I listen to this song by Nine Inch Nails called Into the Void and it has this chorus where Trent Reznor just screams over and over, 'Tried to Save Myself' until he starts losing coherency with the song itself like he's off track on purpose. Then the chorus ends as he whispers over and over 'Tried to Save Myself' but only to admit finally, 'But I Just Keep Slipping'.
And I think it fits the bill about right. Slipping Into the Void. I think the full realization came the other week when I had that Hellsperience (I seriously don't know what to call it.) and found myself in a trapped perspective of having no choice and no say, just being stuck in this place doing whats required of me, because in actuality I've lost most of my desire to be here. I admitted to a friend the other day after we got into a small argument...And long story short I found I accidentally summed myself up as a literal Wanderer who's just trying to Survive. And I realize the inherent devious hidden inference in that phrase, Just Trying. It means I'm not Doing all the time.
Yet no one ever notices. And no one seems to care, and that's okay. That is everyone's Free Will at work I see now. I see they make choices and that's their decisions. So when I found all of my desires, about a good 85+% of them all were finally still and gone, I looked inwards and realized I was pretty much empty in terms of desire, with a few lights left on but most long extinguished.
And that's okay too, cause I did that intentionally by my own choice. Because I didn't want to change, but I did regardless, meaning my entire original points were all meaningless to begin with. I extinguished everything for no reason basically thinking there was one. Like a paranoid child hides a cookie in his pocket and walks by his Mom, but in his paranoia of her finding out, completely ruins his own guise by making it so utterly obvious. All that work, and I did it to my self. And I had the entire cosmos telling me it, and I didn't want to listen. But I did finally, and there we go. I get placed back into the smallerspective.
Which is here. In my house, in my room, on my bed. Alone. Quiet. Still but never silent. No motivation to do anything but waste time and procrastinate and do nothing. Tired and confused about women. Sad and annoyed at my job. Worried about my mom. Yet happy for so many other things but just overall not focused on them. I find I have essentially all I need. So I feel like my basic desire is met, and having really no other desires but spiritual and personal ones, I only work to try and fulfill the want for a car, in hopes of jumpstarting a social life and getting more opportunities since I started the Law of One to interact with people during the day. Since I began the LOO, I have been on an overnight shift. With that desire for a car being the one of the only other desires that I'm willing to discuss here, not including one other desire...With only one other after that one being left that I haven't already mentioned.
Either way. I've taken inventory and found myself somewhat hollow. It's not a bad thing, was alarming for a moment but then I kind of realized it wasn't a big deal. I did want to be transparent in personality as to allow the Creator to come through, but I imagine that'd require doing so with unconditional love towards the outer dream, not indifference...
So when you live feeling like a void, it's sort of like you just don't care anymore. You still obviously give a damn, but to expend the emotion is to provide energy I don't feel I have. I opt for being kindly, even compassionate, but it's dispersed at the slightest motion of negativity. I just mirror energy but not output or tone. It tends to work well enough at repulsion of undesirable people. And it worked much better than Love sadly.
Which further hits me in the face, as to how people would rather make indifference an easier trait to be expressed than love, when they all want love. The society aspects were always backwards and confusing to me, but sometimes they're outright incompatible. I don't want to change myself into emptiness and indifference just to survive because Love wasn't enough for everyone else so they needed to continue being cruel and indifferent too.
So when that basic means of operation becomes an issue and I no longer desire to be indifferent, I'll land back right in hell very much confused by why everyone doesn't seem to care. Maybe being a sensitive person just means you need to get used to insensitivity. I just want to let it be and be let be.
Either way. For someone who flirts with death mentally and wishes for a contempt of his own mortality, I'm a pretty timid and cautious person. Survival was always a fascination to me the moment I read The Hatchet. It stuck with me and lasted into my teenage years, I took a bit of Archery and probably would have done Boy Scouts if not for some sketchy stuff apparently -shrugs- but I found that I was then enthralled, so very, very badly desired a Post-Apocalypse setting. Mixed with the inherent survival enjoyment mixed with the overall setting of survival.
I sometimes wish I could just go into the wilderness, and live out there with one other person... Or alone. It's hard to say anymore because I no longer actually want that. It's like a fading desire/memory, kind of like many other things I no longer remember but knew something was once there... While others are clearly parts of me missing now. Enjoyment of Video Games, Movies, Shows, Manga, Anime, all mostly gone. Others like hobbies I once had and don't remember. It is like a literal void does eat them up. Some times I look in a place in my head, and it's empty and I think 'Huh, I thought...Huh...' (kind of like you can't think of something, but instead of being at the tip of your tongue feeling, it's closer to you can't remember what it was but you used to know it.)
And that is actually somewhat scary. Looking inwards and finding emptiness. I always thought I'd find fullness, but I found that on the inner-outer (if that makes any sense... Which no, no it does not.) Kind of like, the first times I looked inward I was scratching the surface, which was fullness. But then beneath that is a lot of ash where much flame used to be.
It's like having a portion of yourself as a void, and another portion is as your fullness.
I feel so All-Encompassing but today I'm in the empty created inside my own fullness. I hung out with some friends just a few hours ago and got really bad emotional wants to be alone when I realized half of them were drunk and they all just wanted to drive around, smoke, blast music, and 'do stuff' without actually really specifying anything to do. I guess that swiveled me over into darkness and made me want to just be stuck in the void in my head than actually be there with them.
Life on Planet Earth today left me feeling lonely and yearning to be alone. How that works out? Maybe I should just do what my emotional body is telling me. It's just that being alone constantly... Can really drive me off the sanity-edge lol.
Why can't I have one person to be with in person who... -long sigh- It's weird how I miss my ex for how she used to be, more than for her friendship. I wish I knew another person kind of like her.
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