01-31-2022, 11:46 PM
I have a suspicion that I may have been a negative-polarity wanderer or, phrased more appropriately, a negative-polarity entity who wandered so as to embrace the positive polarity.
I say, "suspicion," because that is all I can confidently say as to the extent of my self-knowledge. I reflect often on the course of my life. I meditate not as often as I would like. I try to document my dreams when I can--and more often, I find the journaling unnecessary, spontaneously remembering dreams and series of dreams. I have seen and continue to see the gleam and glimmer of coincidence, or synchronicity, or parallel theme, among my life circumstance in conjunction with my thoughts, with what I perceive of as major life events, and with the lives of others.
I have had some seeming success with the method of automatic writing, or, maybe, partially automatic writing, as described here, here, and here.
So, my writing here will be in part synthesis and, also, part genesis. I will be including reflections I wrote prior to now. I will be, as you can see, including excerpts from LLresearch where I feel some "backup" might be necessary.
I will--and I say this now to you and to my guidance--try to accept as much as possible of the intuition, of that ever inner and deeper self. Now, the tool of analysis has been written about at some length also. So, it is my wish that this tool, a tool which I believe I have some grasp of, perhaps to a degree of over-reliance, will come to rest in the hand of intuition, or that they will be hand-in-hand, so to speak.
Maybe - but this is the sort of sign I will rely on.
It is my hope that, despite the verbosity, the writing will, again, be part synthesis and part genesis. I wish to elucidate even more of my own story both for myself, and, more importantly, to hopefully generate an intriguing discussion and examination of the relevant concepts in general.
When I say "more importantly, to hopefully generate ... " this is somewhat dishonest. I should say that it is my hope to hope that this writing will be useful to someone besides myself. As you can see already, I still have some residual frustration, or worry, or confusion about my identity. It is perhaps more honest to say that I am hoping for help as much I am hoping to help. Maybe by accident, whatever 'help' I provide will squeak over to that much sought-after 51% mark.
I am providing this belabored prologue also because I am aware of the suspicions in general around negative entities and negative philosophy. I have asked permission to post my own suspicion, story, and reflection, and received approval.
It is not my intention whatsoever to promulgate nor preach a negative philosophy. Where my reflections on power or wisdom veer in that direction, please accept it as a function of my ongoing self-discovery, of my attempts to root it in the positive, and not as any sort of subtle, sinister advisement.
OK. Moving onward.
I have shared excerpts from my natal astrology elsewhere but, since Ra has advised that the astrological conditions of an entity are of only minor significance, I will transcribe again only those few portions which seem keenly relevant:
Why would my birth be an event of confusion (for anyone except, apparently, myself)?
I was born ten weeks premature, that is true, and immediately I was beset with respiratory illness and, detected even in prenatal screening, a severe and chronic adrenal dysfunction. My illnesses certainly caused some panic, but more so among the medical staff than my parents. In fact, my mother has often recounted one dramatic incident where all the alarms and whistles on every machine was blaring, the doctors and nurses scrambled, and all she wanted to do was ... hold me. A nurse said no, my mother insisted--my mama bear--and as soon as the nurses and doctors handed me over to her, she pressed me to her chest, and the alarms and whistles fell quiet. She had wanted a child for years, and had even been told that she could never conceive a child; yet, here I was. From that perspective, my birth seems to be an auspicious event.
Why, then, confusion?
There was also, apparently, some reluctance on my part--despite being born prematurely. Maybe this makes some sense. Premature births, as I understand it, are more common in circumstances where the pregnancy threatens the mother. Sometimes, either the baby survives, or the mother survives. It could have been that I was, in fact, reluctant to arrive, and thus I would either go early or not at all? I imagine someone pacing about before a job interview or maybe a party, anxious, then resolving that the next seat they sit in will decide their fate. So, they hop in the car!
Was there a similar amusing scene preceding my incarnation here? (I'm so sorry, it just slipped out. Pardon the pun. I couldn't resist.)
Was the scene perhaps not amusing at all?
Again, I feel I have no certainty as to this hypothesis. However, I do consider it a large point of evidence that I have had very few paranormal or spiritual experiences wherein I felt I had made contact with another or with other other entities. So, you could say, in a rehashing of that phrase, "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence," that I am in fact taking absence to be evidence. After all, if I had, let's say, fled some outgrowth of the Orion Empire, or some other hierarchy of negative students and teachers, soldiers and leaders--would they ever give a friendly check-in?
I have, in fact, received some vague visitations. Not completely absent.
More evidence for having been a negative, and specifically a fifth-density negatively-polarized entity, can be interpreted in the significant events and biases in my my current life-plan or life course. First, some excerpts to offer context:
And, certainly, I have found that the larger patterns of my life have revolved around the more personal or the more local concentrations of power. And, within these, usually the themes of power revolve around wisdom, or the appearance of wisdom, and the acquisition of it, and the proper use of it, and so on.
Even in the prologue to this write-up, I had expressed the hopes I have at learning more about myself, including learning from you all, and of generating discussion.
Again, I have no intention to promulgate nor practice negative philosophy. However, in considering the lessons of wisdom, and arrogance in wisdom, and whether I have learned these lessons ... I might only be able to say that I have released, in most part, the entitlement I used to feel in gaining information. If no one replies here, will I thrash and rage and mourn and sob? No, likely not.
But, in my past, I had often become impatient whenever I would ask questions, especially if I felt that another was offering me redundant or superfluous information along with whatever answer I felt was core to my query. I had often felt it was my right and duty to inspire and inform. And I had often felt it was up to me to 'put things in order.'
In fact, I feel now that my story has become somewhat disordered. I still see the many other occasions where I seem to have expressed the negative -- and, also, occasions where I may have learned some lessons, and transfigured into the positive, and, even, some evidence of a larger positive bias ... but I am getting the impression that my writing here need not be a complete autobiography, nor even a balanced appraisal of my negative and positive experience. I have outlined my suspicions, so, I will speak a little about my actual "awakening," however much I have been awoken, anyways, and then end this current writing.
So - I can summarize my seeking has having began in earnest just before or around the age of twelve. At some point, I simply had the notion that I should become more responsible, and moral, and disciplined--something like that. I can't remember the particular day, even though I was definitely self-aware before then -
Anyways, from that point on my seeking proceeded in a more dedicated fashion, and, perhaps, somewhat rapidly. I immersed myself first in Christianity, following my father to a local Baptist church (though, ironically, I was not baptized there). As my father quickly left the church, so did I, though with some residual belief in an intentional creation, in human responsibility, and, thus, continuing to discover what it was to live properly.
I received a decent foundation in the more secular avenues within moral philosophy, being drawn especially, almost equally, to the Greeks and the Germans (Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, then, Immanuel Kant). (For a time, I was also enamored with the Spartans and their concept of self-discipline, honor, and vitality).
As my father (re-)turned to Eastern wisdom, so did I, with a focus on Buddhism (and, especially, the concepts of dharma and karma became of particular interest). Yet, having been acquainted with the varieties of mythology, especially regarding creation--as described by the Babylonians, by the Chinese, by the Maya--I felt that nirvāṇa was somewhat of a hollow concept.
I had resonated strongly with Hinduism, perhaps a natural travel from Buddhism, and I resonated especially with concepts like the Causal Ocean, and ātman, and Brahman. Hinduism felt much more lively and populated, to me, while retaining the notion of the transcendental (yet, again, personal).
I considered that creation might not be a wondrous exploration but, instead, a prison - such was my foray into Christian Gnosticism, which I held to for quite a while, convinced of the wiles of the Demiurge, the sorrow of Sophia, and the light of the pleroma yet to be reached.
I realized that the world was too nice, despite the suffering I found in my life, to be ruled by a Demiurge. This was in large part due to my heavy experimentation with psychedelics. On my first 'trip,' where I combined a relatively small dose of psilocybin and a single tab of LSD, I became convinced that I had designed this universe for myself, for my own amusement, and that there was little at all to worry about. This wasn't always the theme of my trips, but, certainly, I felt more free, more alive, and more aware when under the influence of psychedelics.
The motif of the pleroma, a glorious realm of light and, well, absolute truth, persisted somewhat--on one particularly heavy trip on a psilocin analog, I became convinced that I had gently chewed away and evaporated my body and become a miasma of iridescent light, just by climbing into my bed, and that every small movement, every turn of my head was in fact the unfathomably large gestures of ... something.
However, that experience, though profound, was mostly aesthetic in nature. What I would call my "awakening" came somewhat earlier, during a heavy LSD trip.
LSD had been my preference, and so it was during one of these trips, perhaps my third or fourth, that I felt aware, spontaneously, that every conceivable point in space around me had a 'coordinate.' ...
Paraphrasing from my journal of the experience--which, miraculously, I had been able to stenograph in real-time with decent cogency--I had posited that everything was just a "lattice of space," with the "I" that was my tangible experience simply a "reference," as in computer programming, and that everything seemingly-external to me was also just a "reference."
With scant transitional material, I then leaped to the idea that any limitation which I possessed must be the "function" or at least ability of some real other, or else it must be possible for me to transcend this limitation myself so that in some way that "function" can be realized, and that this must be true for all I could imagine. I was stunned at the apparent rigor of the logic, even though in hindsight I had questioned whether the whole "theorem" followed proper deductive logic at all. I wrote, further, that this was in fact a theological principle, noting the classic criticism of God's omnipotence, 'Can God create a weight too heavy for Him to lift?' I paused to write, which I now quote precisely,
So, I kept typing, producing this, again, exactly as you see it:
At this time, I was yet without any exposure to Confederation material--though I suppose I was not completely without exposure to the Law of One, per se, through my gradual examination of world religion and because I had played hours upon hours of the videogame The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, and the lore of the game, which I found enthralling, seemed to draw heavily upon those elements of world religion which I now identify in some way with the Law of One.
Anyways, the core concept which I received during the trip, the concept not of divine intervention, but of divine re-invention, remained convincing once I had sobered up.
I won't recount the whole subplot here, but I had been in anguish over losing contact with some friends--in fact, that had been a large motivation to begin to try the psychedelics--and so, with my newfound concept of divine re-invention, I soothed my anguish by assuring myself that the friendships had fallen apart because they had no grounding in that concept. I resolved to be on the lookout for companions which might share a belief in this concept.
This did lead to new friendships, which indeed felt more fulfilling, but then lead to new misunderstandings, and then newer friends, and more misunderstandings -- and now, I am here.
I say, "suspicion," because that is all I can confidently say as to the extent of my self-knowledge. I reflect often on the course of my life. I meditate not as often as I would like. I try to document my dreams when I can--and more often, I find the journaling unnecessary, spontaneously remembering dreams and series of dreams. I have seen and continue to see the gleam and glimmer of coincidence, or synchronicity, or parallel theme, among my life circumstance in conjunction with my thoughts, with what I perceive of as major life events, and with the lives of others.
I have had some seeming success with the method of automatic writing, or, maybe, partially automatic writing, as described here, here, and here.
Quote:There is no such thing as being able, without any doubt whatsoever, to know that you are communicating with your guidance. There is a reason for this unknowing. Each entity within third density is given complete free will to choose those things which he desires. And that which he desires shall be given unto him. In this atmosphere of free will, it is not desirable from the standpoint of spiritual growth that there be some way to test and prove spiritual events or influences.
Instead of such objective means of determining the validity of metaphysical experiences, the seeker is given, instead, the ability to set intentions, such as speaking with one’s guidance. Once this intention has been carefully and profoundly set in such a way that the self hears the self on a deep level, it is necessary only to proceed to have a conversation on a continuing basis with your guidance.
This instrument communicates with its higher self using a computer. She types in her questions and then allows her mind to be filled with a thought. That thought comes and she types it into the computer. If she desires to communicate further, she types in another question and then again waits for a thought. When it comes she types it without questioning it, judging it, or in any way analyzing it.
It is a simple procedure, my brother, and it is a protective one in that your guidance system dwells within your protected aura. This communication cannot be disrupted by psychic greeting. Its very simplicity however, frustrates and baffles the intellectual mind. If the intellectual mind is allowed to work it shall immediately begin asking, “How do I know that this thought is not my thought? How do I know that I am receiving guidance from a legitimate guidance system?”
My brother, you shall never know in that objective way of proof until the day comes when your scientists are able to create instrumentation to track vibration of this subtle kind. By the time this is done, my brother, you shall be either in fourth density or your home density, having concluded your service and your learning upon Planet Earth.
Therefore, your objective needs to be to continue and persevere, having conversations, if possible, daily, keeping a record, either on the computer or writing by hand. Gradually, you shall build up a sufficient amount of material in order to have the ability to look back upon the collected experiences of this conversation as it continues. The longer that you continue with this discipline, the more dense shall be the patterns of congruency and harmonization that you shall begin to see. Gradually you shall begin to gain confidence in this source of intelligence, not because of objective proof but because of an increasing amount of synchronicity and coincidence of a spiritually interesting nature that shall begin to grow up around this conversation.
Eventually you shall come to trust in this source of inspiration and information because it has stood you in good stead over a period of time and because there has come to be a certain energy which you can associate with this conversation which comes at no other time.
Quote:... There is also the technique of writing, which is sometimes utilized to make a similar kind of communication, where you write upon a page the question that you ask, then, as you feel a response in your mind, you write or channel that response onto the paper. Oftentimes, this is described as automatic writing, but in this instance, this is a response to a specific query, not simply writing which takes an energy upon itself to begin.
Quote:... each individual seeker who wishes to become more aware of its own life path may explore the possibilities of discovering the pre-incarnative choices through meditative practice in which the question is asked at the beginning of such a meditation as to how the life pattern may be enhanced to become congruent with the previous or pre-incarnative choices. The dream state may also be utilized by such a seeker of truth who wishes to know more if its own means by which it may be of service, so that the utilization of messages from the unconscious mind through dreams could be a means by which this process of discovery could be practiced.
We would suggest that there is also the possibility of utilizing what you may call the journaling or the automatic writing so that the subconscious mind may once again have an avenue through which to offer thoughts that may enhance the seeker's understanding of its own abilities to be of service, and the direction in which it would be most fruitful to move in service to others and to the One Creator, which exists within all of the creation and within each being that seeks to be of service to others. For one is of service to the Creator as one serves others, for this is a universe of unity, and the One Creator moves fully and freely within each seeker of Truth and is available to help each seeker be aware of the most appropriate life path that may be pursued in this particular incarnational pattern.
So, my writing here will be in part synthesis and, also, part genesis. I will be including reflections I wrote prior to now. I will be, as you can see, including excerpts from LLresearch where I feel some "backup" might be necessary.
I will--and I say this now to you and to my guidance--try to accept as much as possible of the intuition, of that ever inner and deeper self. Now, the tool of analysis has been written about at some length also. So, it is my wish that this tool, a tool which I believe I have some grasp of, perhaps to a degree of over-reliance, will come to rest in the hand of intuition, or that they will be hand-in-hand, so to speak.
Quote:L/Leema:
The intellectual mind and the intuitive mind are two sides of one coin. Analysis is a form of speaking, intuition a form of listening. And yet, when one is speaking, does one not also have ears? And when one listens intuitively, does one not hear the voice of silence?
Quote:Q'uo:I am aware already that my writing can be verbose. Already, I attempted to go back and erase some of the excerpts I had already copied-in, but I decided to restore the text because I lapsed into a coughing fit as soon as I had pressed the delete-key. The coughing subsided when the text was restored. Is this just coincidence?
Analysis which proceeds without reference to inspiration, however, is dry. And inspiration that has not been tied to a specific intent is inspiration which can find no anchor, can find no mooring. The key, therefore, is to get analysis to work in tandem with inspiration, to allow your process of analysis to remain open to the sources of inspiration, but that process itself, of bringing the one together with the other, requires a central clearing house, a place of meeting, shall we say, and a place, if we may so speak, of mating—the mating of analysis with inspiration. In the case of those who are resolved in the core of their being to serve others is simply the open heart, and it is in the open heart where [exists] that resolve that you will, above all else, dedicate your own being to serving others. That is the place of mating where you may find that it is safe and fruitful to open up the process of analysis to inspiration so that it may be fed, as it were, from above.
Maybe - but this is the sort of sign I will rely on.
It is my hope that, despite the verbosity, the writing will, again, be part synthesis and part genesis. I wish to elucidate even more of my own story both for myself, and, more importantly, to hopefully generate an intriguing discussion and examination of the relevant concepts in general.
When I say "more importantly, to hopefully generate ... " this is somewhat dishonest. I should say that it is my hope to hope that this writing will be useful to someone besides myself. As you can see already, I still have some residual frustration, or worry, or confusion about my identity. It is perhaps more honest to say that I am hoping for help as much I am hoping to help. Maybe by accident, whatever 'help' I provide will squeak over to that much sought-after 51% mark.
I am providing this belabored prologue also because I am aware of the suspicions in general around negative entities and negative philosophy. I have asked permission to post my own suspicion, story, and reflection, and received approval.
It is not my intention whatsoever to promulgate nor preach a negative philosophy. Where my reflections on power or wisdom veer in that direction, please accept it as a function of my ongoing self-discovery, of my attempts to root it in the positive, and not as any sort of subtle, sinister advisement.
OK. Moving onward.
I have shared excerpts from my natal astrology elsewhere but, since Ra has advised that the astrological conditions of an entity are of only minor significance, I will transcribe again only those few portions which seem keenly relevant:
Quote:... "There is always a sense of confusion around the child as to what really happened" ...
Quote:... "immediate sense of this one was of a soul/spirit trying to decide of he really WANTED to stay here" ...... and some mention of my past lives being fairly exclusively 'mystical' - religious leader, astrologer, healer, priest. I'm more dubious of the past lives predictions and the other astrological reading than I am of those two directly-quoted lines.
Why would my birth be an event of confusion (for anyone except, apparently, myself)?
I was born ten weeks premature, that is true, and immediately I was beset with respiratory illness and, detected even in prenatal screening, a severe and chronic adrenal dysfunction. My illnesses certainly caused some panic, but more so among the medical staff than my parents. In fact, my mother has often recounted one dramatic incident where all the alarms and whistles on every machine was blaring, the doctors and nurses scrambled, and all she wanted to do was ... hold me. A nurse said no, my mother insisted--my mama bear--and as soon as the nurses and doctors handed me over to her, she pressed me to her chest, and the alarms and whistles fell quiet. She had wanted a child for years, and had even been told that she could never conceive a child; yet, here I was. From that perspective, my birth seems to be an auspicious event.
Why, then, confusion?
There was also, apparently, some reluctance on my part--despite being born prematurely. Maybe this makes some sense. Premature births, as I understand it, are more common in circumstances where the pregnancy threatens the mother. Sometimes, either the baby survives, or the mother survives. It could have been that I was, in fact, reluctant to arrive, and thus I would either go early or not at all? I imagine someone pacing about before a job interview or maybe a party, anxious, then resolving that the next seat they sit in will decide their fate. So, they hop in the car!
Was there a similar amusing scene preceding my incarnation here? (I'm so sorry, it just slipped out. Pardon the pun. I couldn't resist.)
Was the scene perhaps not amusing at all?
Quote:Ra 48.6
In fifth-density negative, service to self has become extremely intense and the self has shrunk or compacted so that the dialogues with the teach/learners are used exclusively in order to intensify wisdom. There are very, very few fifth-density negative Wanderers for they fear the forgetting. There are very, very few fifth-density Orion members for they do not any longer perceive any virtue in other-selves.
Quote:36.16 Once the negatively polarized entity has reached a certain point in the wisdom density it becomes extremely unlikely that it will choose to risk the forgetting, for this polarization is not selfless but selfish and with wisdom realizes the jeopardy of such “wandering.” Occasionally a sixth-density negative entity becomes a Wanderer in an effort to continue to polarize towards the negative. This is extremely unusual.I can construct a number of tableaus in an attempt to guess at whatever series of events might have led me, personally, if I was a fifth-density negatively polarized entity, to instead jump into an incarnation on this earth. Suffice to say, the pervading feeling is that I betrayed a teacher or leader ... or that I myself as a teacher was scorned ... or some blend of that sort of circumstance. I had not yet reached that 'certain point' beyond which I would not hazard the forgetting and so, maybe out of spite, maybe out of an intention to 'get ahead,' or maybe out of a genuine desire to trod a different path - I walked away.
Again, I feel I have no certainty as to this hypothesis. However, I do consider it a large point of evidence that I have had very few paranormal or spiritual experiences wherein I felt I had made contact with another or with other other entities. So, you could say, in a rehashing of that phrase, "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence," that I am in fact taking absence to be evidence. After all, if I had, let's say, fled some outgrowth of the Orion Empire, or some other hierarchy of negative students and teachers, soldiers and leaders--would they ever give a friendly check-in?
I have, in fact, received some vague visitations. Not completely absent.
- When I was a young child, maybe six or seven, I had climbed into my parents' bed in the middle of the night and turned, randomly, to glance at the doorway and saw a shadowy specter there. It whispered my name, then apparently vanished.
- Throughout my life I have had impenetrable night terrors as well as starkly-clear nightmares.
- In the throes of the night terrors, I will sometimes sleepwalk. Usually I will whimper, shout, and scream. Recently, I had one where all that came out was a chant of, "NO! NO! NO! NO!" (According to those around me).
- My most notable nightmares, which I do remember, with clarity, have me in multitude of uncomfortable scenes. When there are others around me, either I am murdered, witnessing murder, suspected of murdering, actually murdering, or in rare cases, fending off a murderer. Usually these are cast with tones of either powerlessness or betrayal: in one dream, my mother (apologies for the graphic image) was gripped by some alien machine appendage 'off-scene' and was pulled upward, her head and spine separated from the rest of the body. In a more recent dream, I was atop a steel scaffold wrestling with what had presumably been a former friend or maybe 'business partner' (at least, someone I had been thick-and-thin with) who then pulled a blade on me and attempted to force me off. I am reminded further that many of my dreams have occurred at what were seemingly vast heights, in some do-or-die situation. When I am in more solitary conditions, I am still haunted or chased by what I describe as ghouls. I am chased in abandoned towns, in sprawling tunnels, in wastelands ...
- In the throes of the night terrors, I will sometimes sleepwalk. Usually I will whimper, shout, and scream. Recently, I had one where all that came out was a chant of, "NO! NO! NO! NO!" (According to those around me).
- I have also received numerous left ear tones, as if I am being 'spied on,' or 'tracked.' Ho, hey, not doing so well, are you, betrayer? That's the general impression.
More evidence for having been a negative, and specifically a fifth-density negatively-polarized entity, can be interpreted in the significant events and biases in my my current life-plan or life course. First, some excerpts to offer context:
Quote:89.35 About them were soon gathered those who found it easy to believe that a series of specific knowledges and wisdoms would advance one towards the Creator. The end of this was the graduation into fourth-density negative of the Wanderers, which had much power of personality
Quote:https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/2019/1102
... the negatively oriented wanderer, well aware of this potential, is quite cautious in making any type of a movement through the veil of forgetting.
However, there have been some few who have done so. These entities have been able to make their presence felt in a manner which one might be likened to the assuming of roles of power and authority over others, making their dominion the pinnacle of their achievement in this illusion, finding those who are elite, and then by these elite, enslaving others who are not seen as elite.
Quote:https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/1986/0223
... those who would act in the role of catalyst both for their own growth and that of their brothers should consider that their own efforts may serve only to influence unduly those about them, should those efforts be directed toward the turning of a brother or sister to a specific path. To be truly of service, the seeker, the wanderer, does not seek to teach, to lead, or to guide, for to do so would be to exert an influence
Quote:https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/2020/0118Now, intriguingly, I have written before about what I describe as my 'iconoclasm.' It is written elsewhere that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Certainly, in the past I have been somewhat consumed by conspiracies of secret societies and world-spanning plots. And, even now, I take umbrage at all of those tyrannies what could be described as the vagaries of autocratic government (even under the guises of democracy and fairness). I won't delve into these, but suffice to say that I don't feel particularly beholden to these sorts of systems. ... However, occasionally, I have chastised others for their, let's say, cowardice, which resigns them to cooperating with these systems. (Hypocritical, too, since so far I still pay taxes, and vote, and file all sorts of government-requested paperwork.)
The negatively oriented entities, however, in their utilization of the hierarchy of creation, have the opposite point of view, that is, that the creation is that which is at their disposal, that which must be put in order, that which is to be controlled in a fashion which gives power to the negatively oriented entity and most especially, to those at the apex of power within the social memory complex of the negatively oriented entities.
And, certainly, I have found that the larger patterns of my life have revolved around the more personal or the more local concentrations of power. And, within these, usually the themes of power revolve around wisdom, or the appearance of wisdom, and the acquisition of it, and the proper use of it, and so on.
- I ran cross-country in high school and, while always humble regarding my physical abilities, would often seek to "help guide the team." Often, these efforts were even appreciated - I remember listening diligently to a seminar hosted after practice on "The Champion's Way," and disseminating my synopsis of the seminar the very next afternoon. I was designated a 'lieutenant' of the team and acquired around me several outspoken admirers, in the sense of admiring my virtue and especially belief in the guiding principles of our team. I remember being surprised when they spoke so highly of me, almost randomly at certain team meetings, yet then feeling dismayed when, at my surprise, their admiration waned. Still, I was elevated to the role of team (co-)captain - a position I gladly shared, since I felt my physical ability made the assignment a, let's say, charitable choice. I was still respected by many, and was given a banner with the names of my team members in my senior year.
- In my college years, perhaps having felt my foray into team sports was 'enough,' turned more to intellectual and social pursuits. I became engaged in entrepreneurial competitions, reaching some notable ranking in a few, but also feeling that in large part I was being "overlooked."
- This was true also in my occupational work, where I often used methods which I found to be more 'efficient' and would balk when I was reprimanded for the seeming benefit I had offered. This was true whether I worked as a grocery store clerk or as a laboratory coordinator.
Even in the prologue to this write-up, I had expressed the hopes I have at learning more about myself, including learning from you all, and of generating discussion.
Again, I have no intention to promulgate nor practice negative philosophy. However, in considering the lessons of wisdom, and arrogance in wisdom, and whether I have learned these lessons ... I might only be able to say that I have released, in most part, the entitlement I used to feel in gaining information. If no one replies here, will I thrash and rage and mourn and sob? No, likely not.
But, in my past, I had often become impatient whenever I would ask questions, especially if I felt that another was offering me redundant or superfluous information along with whatever answer I felt was core to my query. I had often felt it was my right and duty to inspire and inform. And I had often felt it was up to me to 'put things in order.'
In fact, I feel now that my story has become somewhat disordered. I still see the many other occasions where I seem to have expressed the negative -- and, also, occasions where I may have learned some lessons, and transfigured into the positive, and, even, some evidence of a larger positive bias ... but I am getting the impression that my writing here need not be a complete autobiography, nor even a balanced appraisal of my negative and positive experience. I have outlined my suspicions, so, I will speak a little about my actual "awakening," however much I have been awoken, anyways, and then end this current writing.
So - I can summarize my seeking has having began in earnest just before or around the age of twelve. At some point, I simply had the notion that I should become more responsible, and moral, and disciplined--something like that. I can't remember the particular day, even though I was definitely self-aware before then -
Quote:18.7 Questioner: As an entity in this density grows from childhood, he becomes more aware of his responsibilities. Is there an age below which an entity is not responsible or his— for his actions, or is he responsible from the time of birth?
Ra: I am Ra. An entity incarnating upon the Earth plane becomes conscious of self at a varying point in its time/space progress through the continuum. This may have a median, shall we say, of approximately fifteen of your months. Some entities become conscious of self at a period closer to incarnation, some at a period farther from this event. In all cases responsibility then becomes retroactive from that point backwards in the continuum so that distortions are to be understood by the entity and dissolved as the entity learns.
Anyways, from that point on my seeking proceeded in a more dedicated fashion, and, perhaps, somewhat rapidly. I immersed myself first in Christianity, following my father to a local Baptist church (though, ironically, I was not baptized there). As my father quickly left the church, so did I, though with some residual belief in an intentional creation, in human responsibility, and, thus, continuing to discover what it was to live properly.
I received a decent foundation in the more secular avenues within moral philosophy, being drawn especially, almost equally, to the Greeks and the Germans (Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, then, Immanuel Kant). (For a time, I was also enamored with the Spartans and their concept of self-discipline, honor, and vitality).
As my father (re-)turned to Eastern wisdom, so did I, with a focus on Buddhism (and, especially, the concepts of dharma and karma became of particular interest). Yet, having been acquainted with the varieties of mythology, especially regarding creation--as described by the Babylonians, by the Chinese, by the Maya--I felt that nirvāṇa was somewhat of a hollow concept.
I had resonated strongly with Hinduism, perhaps a natural travel from Buddhism, and I resonated especially with concepts like the Causal Ocean, and ātman, and Brahman. Hinduism felt much more lively and populated, to me, while retaining the notion of the transcendental (yet, again, personal).
I considered that creation might not be a wondrous exploration but, instead, a prison - such was my foray into Christian Gnosticism, which I held to for quite a while, convinced of the wiles of the Demiurge, the sorrow of Sophia, and the light of the pleroma yet to be reached.
I realized that the world was too nice, despite the suffering I found in my life, to be ruled by a Demiurge. This was in large part due to my heavy experimentation with psychedelics. On my first 'trip,' where I combined a relatively small dose of psilocybin and a single tab of LSD, I became convinced that I had designed this universe for myself, for my own amusement, and that there was little at all to worry about. This wasn't always the theme of my trips, but, certainly, I felt more free, more alive, and more aware when under the influence of psychedelics.
The motif of the pleroma, a glorious realm of light and, well, absolute truth, persisted somewhat--on one particularly heavy trip on a psilocin analog, I became convinced that I had gently chewed away and evaporated my body and become a miasma of iridescent light, just by climbing into my bed, and that every small movement, every turn of my head was in fact the unfathomably large gestures of ... something.
However, that experience, though profound, was mostly aesthetic in nature. What I would call my "awakening" came somewhat earlier, during a heavy LSD trip.
LSD had been my preference, and so it was during one of these trips, perhaps my third or fourth, that I felt aware, spontaneously, that every conceivable point in space around me had a 'coordinate.' ...
Paraphrasing from my journal of the experience--which, miraculously, I had been able to stenograph in real-time with decent cogency--I had posited that everything was just a "lattice of space," with the "I" that was my tangible experience simply a "reference," as in computer programming, and that everything seemingly-external to me was also just a "reference."
With scant transitional material, I then leaped to the idea that any limitation which I possessed must be the "function" or at least ability of some real other, or else it must be possible for me to transcend this limitation myself so that in some way that "function" can be realized, and that this must be true for all I could imagine. I was stunned at the apparent rigor of the logic, even though in hindsight I had questioned whether the whole "theorem" followed proper deductive logic at all. I wrote, further, that this was in fact a theological principle, noting the classic criticism of God's omnipotence, 'Can God create a weight too heavy for Him to lift?' I paused to write, which I now quote precisely,
Quote:Is this really a worthwhile exercise? Trying to separate the ego from the rest of the world?I remember even now, quite vividly, like it happened yesterday, that I was then struck by a surge of energy - notably, entering through the top of my head, and which spurred me on even as the letters that I typed seemed to flicker between English and some obscure, inscrutable alphabet.
Others have made it clear that they operate by a strict set of rules -- rules that allow
for exceptions, which form systems that break down ... Is it worth it to create a logical reference ssytem?
Or is it enough to conform to the rules set before us?
So, I kept typing, producing this, again, exactly as you see it:
Quote:Do we model God as all-knowing, all-powerful, and above all -- benevolent and all-loving -- because that is
what we want? Or is it because that is who we are -- or, who we have the capability to be?
That is ... Do we model God, the ideal of everything, after what we need? If so, that is selfish
So it must be that we model God after what we are.
In practice .. this manifests so: "I must, and I can."
(God created us in His Image. What does that mean for us?)
[It Are All We.]
[Divine Oversoul --> connecting/manifesting individually]
[Buddhism - Is that why we act in the present (that is, in a "here-and-now" mindset)?
To accord the will of the universe -- which is ourselves?]
--> The ultimate act of a neuron is to accurately convey a thought, feeling, or perception
--> What if we all act as "neurons?"
--> Ultimately -- if we act rightly and with understanding -- we accurately form God.
--> A synapse may fire incorrectly, transmitting an incomplete or inaccurate picture
--> So while some of us may not act according to Us, to God, that
does not invalidate those who act according to Us, to God. [re: Gods Debris]
... If we concede that there is an external object X that we can sense, creating Y (subjective experience)
.. Could it not be that we are just the overall sensory mechansim for a greater being? For God?
That is, there is an external reality, X ... justice? ... that something else ... God ...
is trying to sense, to create Y ... We are just a way for X to become Y, but we are not X or Y.
(That is, from the cosmic perspective ... we are not what the algebraic function represents,
nor are we what is trying to find that true value ... "We" are, instead, how X may become Y.
*************************************************************************************
... Imagine if the "Identity Law" in logic were self-aware and alive?
... That is what WE are (on the cosmic scale). We are just a Law. ******
... If that is true, what great problem do we act to solve? What could we be a mathematical rule for or
expression of? And, relatedly, who uses Us?
... : JUSTICE/GOD/COMPASSION --> Truly, though, it is beyond our comprehension.
For us to perceive of God ... would be as if a rule of logic were to perceive of Us.
That is ... we are not even a "lesser being" compared to God. "We" are what God USES to define HIS world.
Now ... working from this understanding .. How should "we" conduct ourselves?
(1.) If we are truly a Law, then nothing we do matters -- because like a law of logic is fundamental and
consistent to us, we would likewise be fundamental and consistent if we are also just a Law.
BUT ... (2.) If we are more like an AI gaining sentience, it matters supremely.
(Imagine if a repair-bot became self-aware, and realized it was no longer repairing ... That bot could
then re-define what needs repairs and what does not) ...
We are also God, so if we want God to be Good, then We Must Be Good. *****
And we can be.
And we must. ("I must, and I can.")
At this time, I was yet without any exposure to Confederation material--though I suppose I was not completely without exposure to the Law of One, per se, through my gradual examination of world religion and because I had played hours upon hours of the videogame The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, and the lore of the game, which I found enthralling, seemed to draw heavily upon those elements of world religion which I now identify in some way with the Law of One.
Anyways, the core concept which I received during the trip, the concept not of divine intervention, but of divine re-invention, remained convincing once I had sobered up.
I won't recount the whole subplot here, but I had been in anguish over losing contact with some friends--in fact, that had been a large motivation to begin to try the psychedelics--and so, with my newfound concept of divine re-invention, I soothed my anguish by assuring myself that the friendships had fallen apart because they had no grounding in that concept. I resolved to be on the lookout for companions which might share a belief in this concept.
This did lead to new friendships, which indeed felt more fulfilling, but then lead to new misunderstandings, and then newer friends, and more misunderstandings -- and now, I am here.
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