09-19-2010, 01:38 AM
Hello to all. This is my first night and my first post. The forums are giving me some great, positive thought rhythm. Love it. 
Wanted to start my/our work here by telling a story that might be good for self reflection of actions.
I was living in New York, what a great city. I had just gotten into the Ra material, must have been on the third book, and things were really starting to make sense. Little did I know, as soon as I started my awakening, that's when the real lessons and tests would begin.
I had lots of family up there, cousins, aunts, even good old grandma (yaya in Greek). I would baby sit my young cousins (5, 8, and 9) on an almost daily basis which gave me wonderful perspective on the world of innocence, children. So much love and so great a yearning for knowledge and growth. Truly bliss if you know what to look at. As bad as they were, they were an absolute joy.
One weekend, an ex-girlfriend had made a trip up from Florida and we had made plans to hang out, which I was very excited for. I still very much loved her, or more accurately, was addicted to the "I want" she made me feel (I made myself feel). As the hours passed and she went longer and longer passed the time we were to meet, that oh so familiar rage and resentment started to creep, and creep, and creep... I divulged my feelings to her through text message and she replied with an apology, shallow without any merit.
The rage was blinding. So little of an occurrence and the stick still snapped. I obviously took this WAY to personally, but the path is laid. I stayed awake all night drinking scotch and meditating on myself, my power, my wants, what I deserve, and what makes me fulfilled. Why should I have to feel like this? Why do "they" always get "me"? And I, and I, and I, and me, and me...
The next morning I felt invigorated and with a purpose. Today I will make every decision in the service of myself. No matter what, or how trivial, from here on out I will serve only me. No one will receive any light or love from me, and I will absorb every bit I see. Muahahahahah...
It started with my family. I would take away any kindness they would give and return hate and callus. "Whoa, Charlie needs like three cups of coffee and a pack of cigarettes to wake up, he's tired or something." The older ones knew better then to get affected by my trivial temperaments at first, but resistance was no match for this "being". It was a total overtaking of my body and mind by ego, and I put up no resistance. The poor children had no idea what was wrong with "Uncle Charlie". Why is he acting like this? Did I do something? I guess grown-ups are supposed to act like that sometimes.
None of this, of course, was even circling the outskirt perimeter of my thoughts. The only thing that mattered was me. I failed so terribly to see that everyone else around me WAS me. What I did to anyone else, I did, also, to myself. I was so selfish, that I did get what I wanted. There was a girl there that next morning, 4th of July weekend '09. As she tried to speak to me and be civil, I paid no mind. She wasn't me, why should I care about what she's talking about? For some reason or another, this attracted her, and I took full advantage of this, for in the land of the ego, I was winning this fake chess game, which in the spiritual plane of oneness, I was losing terribly. Funny how you can lose yourself in the moment. Instant gratification over rules long, sustained happiness, for which you need to be conscious to obtain.
After several other meetings with this young lady, all selfish and twisted, she ended up pregnant, unbeknown to me until after she aborted the pregnancy. It wasn't until one morning, when my cousin asked me to meet her at her house and told me what had happened with this girl, that I realized the sheer horror I created. The kids were acting different, likely wounded from my tyranny, the family was out of balance, and of course this poor naive girl internally thrashed about by my selfish and loathsome actions. She was deeply upset that I wasn't returning her calls and she had to get this abortion by herself, without anyone there to support her and under the impression that I hated her and if she had this child, it would be another reason for me, the one she looked up to for some reason, to hate her. When I spoke to here that night, I REALLY felt that pain I caused her. It was immense. Suddenly all the creators light swiftly took control of the "egoic character" I had created and shun so brightly, it blurred the ego out of existence. My humanity hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt every single thing I did, every single thing. All the pain, all the stress, all the suffering, and "for what", I thought. "Because some one was on vacation, and didn't have time in there busy schedule to hang out with me???" REALLY??
I saw all of my insanity for what it was and I successfully made the girl feel better and mended the family relationships I had strained. The moral is, emotions are attached to situations, and that's true only if you let them be. As Tolle says, you are not the situation or even the emotion, you are the awareness and consciousness behind it. So please friends, be conscious, don't let ANY situation or person decide for you how you feel. It's so easy to love everyone. HAHAHA! It really is.
Peace
Wanted to start my/our work here by telling a story that might be good for self reflection of actions.
I was living in New York, what a great city. I had just gotten into the Ra material, must have been on the third book, and things were really starting to make sense. Little did I know, as soon as I started my awakening, that's when the real lessons and tests would begin.
I had lots of family up there, cousins, aunts, even good old grandma (yaya in Greek). I would baby sit my young cousins (5, 8, and 9) on an almost daily basis which gave me wonderful perspective on the world of innocence, children. So much love and so great a yearning for knowledge and growth. Truly bliss if you know what to look at. As bad as they were, they were an absolute joy.
One weekend, an ex-girlfriend had made a trip up from Florida and we had made plans to hang out, which I was very excited for. I still very much loved her, or more accurately, was addicted to the "I want" she made me feel (I made myself feel). As the hours passed and she went longer and longer passed the time we were to meet, that oh so familiar rage and resentment started to creep, and creep, and creep... I divulged my feelings to her through text message and she replied with an apology, shallow without any merit.
The rage was blinding. So little of an occurrence and the stick still snapped. I obviously took this WAY to personally, but the path is laid. I stayed awake all night drinking scotch and meditating on myself, my power, my wants, what I deserve, and what makes me fulfilled. Why should I have to feel like this? Why do "they" always get "me"? And I, and I, and I, and me, and me...
The next morning I felt invigorated and with a purpose. Today I will make every decision in the service of myself. No matter what, or how trivial, from here on out I will serve only me. No one will receive any light or love from me, and I will absorb every bit I see. Muahahahahah...
It started with my family. I would take away any kindness they would give and return hate and callus. "Whoa, Charlie needs like three cups of coffee and a pack of cigarettes to wake up, he's tired or something." The older ones knew better then to get affected by my trivial temperaments at first, but resistance was no match for this "being". It was a total overtaking of my body and mind by ego, and I put up no resistance. The poor children had no idea what was wrong with "Uncle Charlie". Why is he acting like this? Did I do something? I guess grown-ups are supposed to act like that sometimes.
None of this, of course, was even circling the outskirt perimeter of my thoughts. The only thing that mattered was me. I failed so terribly to see that everyone else around me WAS me. What I did to anyone else, I did, also, to myself. I was so selfish, that I did get what I wanted. There was a girl there that next morning, 4th of July weekend '09. As she tried to speak to me and be civil, I paid no mind. She wasn't me, why should I care about what she's talking about? For some reason or another, this attracted her, and I took full advantage of this, for in the land of the ego, I was winning this fake chess game, which in the spiritual plane of oneness, I was losing terribly. Funny how you can lose yourself in the moment. Instant gratification over rules long, sustained happiness, for which you need to be conscious to obtain.
After several other meetings with this young lady, all selfish and twisted, she ended up pregnant, unbeknown to me until after she aborted the pregnancy. It wasn't until one morning, when my cousin asked me to meet her at her house and told me what had happened with this girl, that I realized the sheer horror I created. The kids were acting different, likely wounded from my tyranny, the family was out of balance, and of course this poor naive girl internally thrashed about by my selfish and loathsome actions. She was deeply upset that I wasn't returning her calls and she had to get this abortion by herself, without anyone there to support her and under the impression that I hated her and if she had this child, it would be another reason for me, the one she looked up to for some reason, to hate her. When I spoke to here that night, I REALLY felt that pain I caused her. It was immense. Suddenly all the creators light swiftly took control of the "egoic character" I had created and shun so brightly, it blurred the ego out of existence. My humanity hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt every single thing I did, every single thing. All the pain, all the stress, all the suffering, and "for what", I thought. "Because some one was on vacation, and didn't have time in there busy schedule to hang out with me???" REALLY??
I saw all of my insanity for what it was and I successfully made the girl feel better and mended the family relationships I had strained. The moral is, emotions are attached to situations, and that's true only if you let them be. As Tolle says, you are not the situation or even the emotion, you are the awareness and consciousness behind it. So please friends, be conscious, don't let ANY situation or person decide for you how you feel. It's so easy to love everyone. HAHAHA! It really is.
Peace
. But with enough luck, we'll make it to season and continue to do business as well as help the needy, which really is the more important thing. I also attended a breast cancer thing today on Deerfield Beach (in south Florida). I passed out menus and donated a little bit before I had to go back to the shop. But let me tell you guys, it really fixed my mood after the news I got, and I feel totally better about the whole thing. Surrender to the moment. Advice I got just yesterday on the "Life on Planet Earth" forum. Thanks norral. 
