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+--- Thread: Causing Grief by Serving the Self (/showthread.php?tid=1586)
Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Grillwise - 09-19-2010
Hello to all. This is my first night and my first post. The forums are giving me some great, positive thought rhythm. Love it.
Wanted to start my/our work here by telling a story that might be good for self reflection of actions.
I was living in New York, what a great city. I had just gotten into the Ra material, must have been on the third book, and things were really starting to make sense. Little did I know, as soon as I started my awakening, that's when the real lessons and tests would begin.
I had lots of family up there, cousins, aunts, even good old grandma (yaya in Greek). I would baby sit my young cousins (5, 8, and 9) on an almost daily basis which gave me wonderful perspective on the world of innocence, children. So much love and so great a yearning for knowledge and growth. Truly bliss if you know what to look at. As bad as they were, they were an absolute joy.
One weekend, an ex-girlfriend had made a trip up from Florida and we had made plans to hang out, which I was very excited for. I still very much loved her, or more accurately, was addicted to the "I want" she made me feel (I made myself feel). As the hours passed and she went longer and longer passed the time we were to meet, that oh so familiar rage and resentment started to creep, and creep, and creep... I divulged my feelings to her through text message and she replied with an apology, shallow without any merit.
The rage was blinding. So little of an occurrence and the stick still snapped. I obviously took this WAY to personally, but the path is laid. I stayed awake all night drinking scotch and meditating on myself, my power, my wants, what I deserve, and what makes me fulfilled. Why should I have to feel like this? Why do "they" always get "me"? And I, and I, and I, and me, and me...
The next morning I felt invigorated and with a purpose. Today I will make every decision in the service of myself. No matter what, or how trivial, from here on out I will serve only me. No one will receive any light or love from me, and I will absorb every bit I see. Muahahahahah...
It started with my family. I would take away any kindness they would give and return hate and callus. "Whoa, Charlie needs like three cups of coffee and a pack of cigarettes to wake up, he's tired or something." The older ones knew better then to get affected by my trivial temperaments at first, but resistance was no match for this "being". It was a total overtaking of my body and mind by ego, and I put up no resistance. The poor children had no idea what was wrong with "Uncle Charlie". Why is he acting like this? Did I do something? I guess grown-ups are supposed to act like that sometimes.
None of this, of course, was even circling the outskirt perimeter of my thoughts. The only thing that mattered was me. I failed so terribly to see that everyone else around me WAS me. What I did to anyone else, I did, also, to myself. I was so selfish, that I did get what I wanted. There was a girl there that next morning, 4th of July weekend '09. As she tried to speak to me and be civil, I paid no mind. She wasn't me, why should I care about what she's talking about? For some reason or another, this attracted her, and I took full advantage of this, for in the land of the ego, I was winning this fake chess game, which in the spiritual plane of oneness, I was losing terribly. Funny how you can lose yourself in the moment. Instant gratification over rules long, sustained happiness, for which you need to be conscious to obtain.
After several other meetings with this young lady, all selfish and twisted, she ended up pregnant, unbeknown to me until after she aborted the pregnancy. It wasn't until one morning, when my cousin asked me to meet her at her house and told me what had happened with this girl, that I realized the sheer horror I created. The kids were acting different, likely wounded from my tyranny, the family was out of balance, and of course this poor naive girl internally thrashed about by my selfish and loathsome actions. She was deeply upset that I wasn't returning her calls and she had to get this abortion by herself, without anyone there to support her and under the impression that I hated her and if she had this child, it would be another reason for me, the one she looked up to for some reason, to hate her. When I spoke to here that night, I REALLY felt that pain I caused her. It was immense. Suddenly all the creators light swiftly took control of the "egoic character" I had created and shun so brightly, it blurred the ego out of existence. My humanity hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt every single thing I did, every single thing. All the pain, all the stress, all the suffering, and "for what", I thought. "Because some one was on vacation, and didn't have time in there busy schedule to hang out with me???" REALLY??
I saw all of my insanity for what it was and I successfully made the girl feel better and mended the family relationships I had strained. The moral is, emotions are attached to situations, and that's true only if you let them be. As Tolle says, you are not the situation or even the emotion, you are the awareness and consciousness behind it. So please friends, be conscious, don't let ANY situation or person decide for you how you feel. It's so easy to love everyone. HAHAHA! It really is.
Peace
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Aaron - 09-19-2010
Hi, Grillwise! Wow, I'm so glad you turned things around! Lol... I guess sometimes its necessary to spend a little time on the dark side so you can better appreciate the light.
I especially liked this little nugget you shared: "Instant gratification over rules long, sustained happiness, for which you need to be conscious to obtain."
Welcome to the forums!
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Turtle - 09-19-2010
A great story, and welcome to the forums!
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Grillwise - 09-19-2010
Thanks for the friendly welcome guys. I actually have a lot of negatively polarized experience. Most from after the start of my awakening, so they were experiences knowing the two paths, not blind and unconscious. Obviously I have given these trials up! I wish to help anyway I can. I held a shoe drive at my restaurant yesterday, first one we ever did, and am now making it a point to use my business as a tool for good, and to service those of us in need at least once a month. All we have on Earth is each other. One love.
Peace
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - peelstreetguy - 09-19-2010
Welcome Grillwise! Great story. Keep up the good work! Ohh yeah, I'll have a bacon cheese burger to go, lol.
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Grillwise - 09-19-2010
HAHAHAHA!!!
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Brittany - 09-20-2010
Hey, Grillwise! What an awesome catalyst, to be able to experience both sides of the spectrum so acutely and have the wisdom to observe and learn from each. I used to be extremely service to self in my behavior, and, like you, it just sort of hit me one day that making people cry didn't feel so great, that it was so much easier to love. The light just exploded in and just about knocked me over, like I'd never actually opened my eyes until that moment. Still, it gives me a sort of respect for STS people...I tried that way and it was just too hard for me. They must work really hard at being what they are, and that kind of dedication is admirable, even if I don't understand it.
Thank you for being aware of your Beingness, and deciding to do something with it! You are much loved.
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - fairyfarmgirl - 09-20-2010
Thank you for being here now. Welcome!
Where did you drive the shoes too?
--fairyfarmgirl
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Grillwise - 09-20-2010
You guys are great thanks,
I drove them for a company, or charity, whatever it is, called "Soles for Souls"
I believe they're an Arkansas or Georgia based company, as those were the addresses on the boxes. To my understanding, the shoes got all over the USA and Africa, Asia, etc... Really good cause because let's face it, people need shoes! lol... We collected close to 500 pair. The woman who came to me with the idea is a really great enthusiastic woman and does different charities almost every month. It gave me the idea to do my own charities every month, using my business as a headquarters. Although some news today might break that because sadly, I might be going under
. But with enough luck, we'll make it to season and continue to do business as well as help the needy, which really is the more important thing. I also attended a breast cancer thing today on Deerfield Beach (in south Florida). I passed out menus and donated a little bit before I had to go back to the shop. But let me tell you guys, it really fixed my mood after the news I got, and I feel totally better about the whole thing. Surrender to the moment. Advice I got just yesterday on the "Life on Planet Earth" forum. Thanks norral. One Love
Peace
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Lavazza - 09-20-2010
Hey Grillwise, welcome! Glad to have you here
(09-20-2010, 04:07 PM)ahktu Wrote: Still, it gives me a sort of respect for STS people...I tried that way and it was just too hard for me. They must work really hard at being what they are, and that kind of dedication is admirable, even if I don't understand it.
Hey Ahktu, for what it's worth- I think people who genuinely are on the STS path don't have much trouble with their actions / beingness at all. What this means by implication is that you probably never were cut out for the STS path to begin with. Just my two cents though.
~Lavazza
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Ali Quadir - 09-21-2010
Being bad at being bad...
Welcome Grillwise!
RE: Causing Grief by Serving the Self - Shemaya - 09-21-2010
Welcome Grillwise!