Betrayal Catalyst

[YinYang]

Lovelyfaith, have you considered seeing a therapist?  At the very least, it would give you an objective listener who is completely on your side - not in the sense of approving of everything you do, but in the sense of having your well-being as her only goal in working with you.  She would also help you understand what patterns of thought and behavior are keeping you trapped in depression.  Ideally, look for someone with a psychology Ph.D. or Psy.D., and experience.

I think that's a great idea, talking therapy does help, just offloading brings relief! I'd say go for older, experienced, female... this requires soft touch.

[Lovelyfaith]

You spoke that your soul chose the catalyst of betrayal, what do you believe are the lessons you are set to learn?

It does seem to me you surely are not here to work on being more loving, as that seems to be quite strong already despite the circumstances you spoke of.

I suppose I was just assuming it's betrayal, considering it's been the theme of my life from my perspective.  My dad carried on an inappropriate relationship with me at the age of 4 and abandoned me and my brothers at 8, and my mom is a compulsive liar and narcissist that refuses to have a normal healthy relationship with me.  So that, coupled with the fact that of the very few intimate relationships that I've built in my life, I've been betrayed by every boyfriend and female friend that I've had.  I have no problem with forgiving, I wonder though if it really just boils down to self love.

Take this please with the love behind it but perhaps the lesson is not to see things from the perspective you are choosing. You haven't learned it yet so it re-presents worse and worse till you do.

I was messed with as a kid by a family member. I never saw that as betrayal. I saw how hurt he was even then. It was messed up. I was 4-6 so it effected me but mostly I think it was unfortunate situations that taught me to forgive and always see the why behind things. People are hurting.

My dad left when I was 4 took all the money and moved to another country. In the late 70s he was already making $100 an hour yet he left the country so he wouldn't have to pay child support.
I didn't feel betrayed, I kinda thought even then he was pretty selfish but betrayed never entered my head even now.

He left us kids with a woman so unstable she actually packed my siblings in the car me 5, sister 9 and brother 12 with intentions of driving us all off a tall bridge. She didn't but even after ending up in the psych ward no one came to take care of us kids. The next bunch of years I'm sure you can imagine with no money, step fathers, extended family even from both sides walking clear out of our lives. just picture everything going bad that could lol still I don't feel betrayed.

I felt I had incompetent parents  and started to see family is those you choose to love, and who choose to love you. They (family)as far as I was conserned even as a kid were stuck at a level where they could only see their needs/wants. No betrayal just people not seeing the big picture.

Anyways I'm nit trying to say your feelings are at all incorrect. I did have abandonment issues, but we are here to learn. I've learned a lot through all that and really I can only be greatful.

Betrayal as a perspective isn't what you necissarily need to see. I would be looking deeper at why, I'm sure there is a dark painful root to why he needed her affection. It's not just sex if it's 4 days, what was he trying to heal. Maybe something he's hiding so deep he doesn't even know.

When you find their pain you can forgive and show compassion that heals.
As to your social anxiety. The phone is hard. I LOVE talking to people but even I hate phones and sales bites let's face it. Don't beat yourself up over that. Show yourself the same compassion. Laugh at it a bit and let that self judgement heal.

So I rambled but my thinking is if you pick a healthier lesson out of all this than betrayal you will change everything even what you attract. Forgiveness and compassion was where I went but something else might suit you better.

Being we are all otherselves, if we can see as a spark if we accumulated another's experiences with the life they had shaping them any one of us could perpetrate the same thing. I'm not a Christian but the saying "there but for the grace of God go I" has been a really useful thing for me to remember.

Big hug, it's hard to shift you heart and mind to a new perspective but sometimes that is the only way to be free. (Hug)

Ps I'm having dinner with my father tomorrow night after not seeing him more than 4 times in 20 years. He's a toddler at the consiousness level I always keep that in mind.

Thank you for being so candid. I see exactly what you are talking about. You pulled up in my memory something that I completely forgot. Back in my early 20s, when ever I would think about my childhood I had the perspective of being a warrior, not a survivor, that I didn't want to think of myself as a victim of anything because the things that I considered 'bad' in my childhood had made me into a strong woman. I think sometime between then and now a few things have happened. 1-I started feeling sorry for myself because of a string of events that weren't pleasant. 2-I forgot that I was a warrior and started feeling victimized, thus turning me into a victim. It's never been a problem for me to forgive people, I certainly don't try blame anyone for anything that I'm going through, I understand that people hurt other people because there is something inside themselves that is hurt. It's coping with the fact that people can actually do that to someone that is the kicker sometimes. It's dealing with the pain that you don't have control over what happens in your life, only how you deal with it. It's the reality that even if you love and respect someone, you don't always get that in return. It's a toughy.

Last night I came across a facebook post that got me thinking, it made a lot of sense to me. It was an article about depression and how the brain shows signs of damage to the hippocampus after periods of intense trauma. The hippocampus governs things pertaining to memory, the formation and maintenance of them, as well as emotional response and also societal navigation. Having the ability to have a conversation and pull ideas and thoughts into the conversation without getting confused or forgetting where you were, these are all controlled by the hippocampus. Brain scans have shown that people that have undergone severe depression and ptsd have shown signs of deterioration in this region. I feel like that is what I have been struggling with the most, being able to converse correctly. It's been awful, to the point where I dread having to talk to anyone because I can't carry on the way they would. It's made me self conscious and I haven't wanted to talk to anyone because most of the time I don't even understand myself by the end of a sentence, I generally have no idea what I am talking about if I speak for longer than 3-5 minutes, especially on days when I am stressed. It's embarrassing.

A few years ago I did some research on psilocybin mushrooms and the studies that have been conducted showing the effects of it on the brain. Scans have shown that careful dosage can re-build those portions of the brain that were damaged, primarily in the hippocampus region. Sufferers of PTSD have said this helped them immensely and scans have shown that it stimulates growth. Mice were tested by using a trigger sound, followed by a shock. After a period of time, all of the mice were traumatized (I'm sorry if this offends anyone), and split into 2 groups. Although both groups were no longer receiving the shocks after the trigger sound, the mouse group that took a placebo continued to show signs of fear and stress, whereas the group that was dosed with psilocybin showed no signs of fear to the sound. I'm just thinking.... does anyone have any knowledge on any of this? I have never done anything like this before, I do vape a little marijuana once in a while to relax but I've never tried a psychedelic. My thought is, why else is it here? If you read accounts of what people experience on ayauasca, dmt and others, it seems to rocket you right into intelligent infinity..? Obviously I would never do something like this unless I've readied myself with meditation and such. Anyone have any input on this? Has any of this been asked to Q'ue or Ra about why there are those kinds of plants are around and what their main use is for?

[Minyatur]

There are many articles about treating depression with magic mushrooms, I think it allows you to overwrite your thought patterns.

Definitely love the drug, to me it does a lot of harmonizing my human self with my true essence. On them I mainly see everything as Light and Love and the Creator.

I'd start with small dosages and not expect every trip to be pleasant. It makes you face yourself and should be seen as a tool to work on yourself.

[Lovelyfaith]

There are many articles about treating depression with magic mushrooms, I think it allows you to overwrite your thought patterns.

Definitely love the drug, to me it does a lot of harmonizing my human self with my true essence. On them I mainly see everything as Light and Love and the Creator.

I'd start with small dosages and not expect every trip to be pleasant. It makes you face yourself and should be seen as a tool to work on yourself.

Thank you.  That was what my impression was, it's a tool to work on yourself.  I know this is a personal question so please don't feel compelled to answer, but can you tell me what it's like for you to experience that, knowing what you know about the spiritual world?  I hear about experiences of people that don't understand what they are seeing, so just like a near death experience of a religious person, they would see what they expect or want to see, but what about someone who knows what's actually behind the veil (assuming you have studied as I have), what is it like?  Do you see your guides or higher self?  Can you ask them to heal you, or can you even talk? Again, if this is too personal please don't feel pressured.  I'm just curious if this experience would be different for a wanderer vs someone else.  Obviously this study was done on random people, so it looks like it helps regardless..

[Glow]

There are many articles about treating depression with magic mushrooms, I think it allows you to overwrite your thought patterns.

Definitely love the drug, to me it does a lot of harmonizing my human self with my true essence. On them I mainly see everything as Light and Love and the Creator.

I'd start with small dosages and not expect every trip to be pleasant. It makes you face yourself and should be seen as a tool to work on yourself.

Thank you.  That was what my impression was, it's a tool to work on yourself.  I know this is a personal question so please don't feel compelled to answer, but can you tell me what it's like for you to experience that, knowing what you know about the spiritual world?  I hear about experiences of people that don't understand what they are seeing, so just like a near death experience of a religious person, they would see what they expect or want to see, but what about someone who knows what's actually behind the veil (assuming you have studied as I have), what is it like?  Do you see your guides or higher self?  Can you ask them to heal you, or can you even talk? Again, if this is too personal please don't feel pressured.  I'm just curious if this experience would be different for a wanderer vs someone else.  Obviously this study was done on random people, so it looks like it helps regardless..

Have you tried meditation? Even meditated with a skilled meditator to guide you and influence your energy?

I only point this out as Ra strongly advised meditation.
I know it really helped me when I went through a dark night of the soul.

[Minyatur]

Thank you.  That was what my impression was, it's a tool to work on yourself.  I know this is a personal question so please don't feel compelled to answer, but can you tell me what it's like for you to experience that, knowing what you know about the spiritual world?  I hear about experiences of people that don't understand what they are seeing, so just like a near death experience of a religious person, they would see what they expect or want to see, but what about someone who knows what's actually behind the veil (assuming you have studied as I have), what is it like?  Do you see your guides or higher self?  Can you ask them to heal you, or can you even talk? Again, if this is too personal please don't feel pressured.  I'm just curious if this experience would be different for a wanderer vs someone else.  Obviously this study was done on random people, so it looks like it helps regardless..

I think you can talk to guides and your higher self even when sober, but the drug would definitely help. I am not one to seek these things other than having validated them.

As for general effects, it raises your vibration, expands your mind and increases your awareness in many ways.

At first to me the trips were like buddles (time/space facets of myself within the spiral) I'd move through to discover more and more of myself. A bit like parralel explorations that adds to one and then to another. Through many trips with increasing doses I got much more stable trips, now what I experience is more akin to my magical personality being more and more fully integrated within myself.

I came to see more and more of my true self, my essence, through some kind of initiation that would remove layers of my veil when I'd pass them.

I think the experience can be very personal depending on the individual, a focus on spiritualiy and the LOO would certainly make the use of them more veil breaking and accelerate the awakening process. They gave me a feeling of lessons lost, or rather bypassed also.

If you want to try them, I can only recommend to start with small dosages. I saw some dislike what it opens in them over many trips just as I saw others never truly feel anything they've disliked. If things go well you can increase, if not you can work more with small dosages.

[Lovelyfaith]

There are many articles about treating depression with magic mushrooms, I think it allows you to overwrite your thought patterns.

Definitely love the drug, to me it does a lot of harmonizing my human self with my true essence. On them I mainly see everything as Light and Love and the Creator.

I'd start with small dosages and not expect every trip to be pleasant. It makes you face yourself and should be seen as a tool to work on yourself.

Thank you.  That was what my impression was, it's a tool to work on yourself.  I know this is a personal question so please don't feel compelled to answer, but can you tell me what it's like for you to experience that, knowing what you know about the spiritual world?  I hear about experiences of people that don't understand what they are seeing, so just like a near death experience of a religious person, they would see what they expect or want to see, but what about someone who knows what's actually behind the veil (assuming you have studied as I have), what is it like?  Do you see your guides or higher self?  Can you ask them to heal you, or can you even talk? Again, if this is too personal please don't feel pressured.  I'm just curious if this experience would be different for a wanderer vs someone else.  Obviously this study was done on random people, so it looks like it helps regardless..

Have you tried meditation? Even meditated with a skilled meditator to guide you and influence your energy?

I only point this out as Ra strongly advised meditation.
I know it really helped me when I went through a dark night of the soul.

Yes, meditation is key. On my worst days it's because I haven't been meditating and I'm not grounded, though normally it takes me several days of being miserable to remember it. It's the last thing I want to do when I'm sad, ironically. I've been doing better with this in the past few months, my kids and I have been switching off from meditation and yoga each night before bed and it's really been helpful. I do feel the urge to do this more, however. I have noticed that when I meditate with my kids I'm not 100% focused and can't go quite as deep, so it might be a good idea to do this after they go to bed as well. Thanks for bringing that up, it would probably help me to meditate more. <3

[Lovelyfaith]

Thank you.  That was what my impression was, it's a tool to work on yourself.  I know this is a personal question so please don't feel compelled to answer, but can you tell me what it's like for you to experience that, knowing what you know about the spiritual world?  I hear about experiences of people that don't understand what they are seeing, so just like a near death experience of a religious person, they would see what they expect or want to see, but what about someone who knows what's actually behind the veil (assuming you have studied as I have), what is it like?  Do you see your guides or higher self?  Can you ask them to heal you, or can you even talk? Again, if this is too personal please don't feel pressured.  I'm just curious if this experience would be different for a wanderer vs someone else.  Obviously this study was done on random people, so it looks like it helps regardless..

I think you can talk to guides and your higher self even when sober, but the drug would definitely help. I am not one to seek these things other than having validated them.

As for general effects, it raises your vibration, expands your mind and increases your awareness in many ways.

At first to me the trips were like buddles (time/space facets of myself within the spiral) I'd move through to discover more and more of myself. A bit like parralel explorations that adds to one and then to another. Through many trips with increasing doses I got much more stable trips, now what I experience is more akin to my magical personality being more and more fully integrated within myself.

I came to see more and more of my true self, my essence, through some kind of initiation that would remove layers of my veil when I'd pass them.

I think the experience can be very personal depending on the individual, a focus on spiritualiy and the LOO would certainly make the use of them more veil breaking and accelerate the awakening process. They gave me a feeling of lessons lost, or rather bypassed also.

If you want to try them, I can only recommend to start with small dosages. I saw some dislike what it opens in them over many trips just as I saw others never truly feel anything they've disliked. If things go well you can increase, if not you can work more with small dosages.

Thank you, that's amazing And when you say 'some kind of initiation that would remove layers of my veil when I'd pass them' Do you mean pass them as in movement or like a realization? I hope that's not a stupid question, i'm just curious. Also, your friends that disliked what was opened in them, what does that mean? Are these friends spiritual? I've heard of lots of people having bad trips, I know that setting and atmosphere are important when having an experience like that, I've noticed a lot of people having a bad trip are doing it on a day when they weren't mentally prepared or they did it in a place that didn't make them entirely comfortable. Sorry for all of the questions, I'm intrigued and just trying to see if this would help me.

[Jade]

Lovely, I would recommend using the forum search function for psilocybin, ayahuasca, lsd, etc - there are lots and lots of discussions that have already been had. Not that a new one isn't a good idea! But a lot of depth and a lot of personal experiences have already been shared throughout the forums about using entheogens. I've personally done psilocybin a few times now, and I had a wonderful time and would do it again in a second.

[Minyatur]

Thank you, that's amazing And when you say 'some kind of initiation that would remove layers of my veil when I'd pass them'  Do you mean pass them as in movement or like a realization?  I hope that's not a stupid question, i'm just curious.  

Realizations mainly for me, movement can apply. A good example is that my Gemini traits were highly accentuated during a talk with a friend which was of the opposite sign. Our talk had a very hard time advancing until we overcame our configurations and stepped beyond them.

Also, your friends that disliked what was opened in them, what does that mean?  Are these friends spiritual?  I've heard of lots of people having bad trips, I know that setting and atmosphere are important when having an experience like that, I've noticed a lot of people having a bad trip are doing it on a day when they weren't mentally prepared or they did it in a place that didn't make them entirely comfortable.  Sorry for all of the questions, I'm intrigued and just trying to see if this would help me.

One of my friend, which has spiritual sides, said he dislikes how you can't stop being aware and thinking. He was trying to play a video game to to focus and it was failing to work. (plays video games a lot)

Another had bad experiences with negative entities but did not speak much of it other than the experiences during the trips. The last time I made him talk to the entity and he never spoke of it again. He said he did not want to try banishing rituals and such becsuse he thought if the entity is there then there must be a reason for it. He no longer wants to do them but at first he thought each trip was useful and made him grow. I think he mainly disliked the ego shattering effect, that reality is not what he thought it was.

[Night Owl]

I think some time off for yourself might be a good idea.

As for psylocybin I can definitely tell you that it helps a lot for healing depression. That's been the most obvious effect for me. What happens with depression is that the brain has the habit of using the same connections that are reinforced on your daily basis. If you have reinforced negative thought patterns it is hard getting out of it because that is litterally the roads your brain use to make the thoughts travel. Once you take psilocybin it is like your brain is fresh and ready for creating new connections as your will command. A strong focus on the positive during the trip will help the positive connections stay afterward. You will most likely come at peace with your past and present and realize some powerful realizations about your true self as an individual but also as your true nature as the creator.

I would suggest doing a trip while walking in nature like forests and mountains. I especially like mountains because the physical work will also cleanse your body and give you a good dose of oxygen. It is best to be with someone at first until you understand the feeling of the drug and once you feel ready you can try alone but I would not recommend doing this inside a room or with many people. Just one person is enough so you have someone to talk out your negative emotions and express your darkness out and also just in case you feel completely lost at first. It is also best to do it with someone who also does the drug because you will harmonize your vibrations together and reach higher states of consciousness. If you do that with someone sober that person will not understand anything you do and say and maybe judge you and it may cause some negativity in your trip. Once it stabilize it is basically euphoria offered by nature. The taste is horrible though. There are two different schools in terms of ingestion. You can either try different approaches for the intake like mixing it with other foods or you can just accept that it taste like a nightmare and get straight to the point.

[Minyatur]

I think some time off for yourself might be a good idea.

I had wanted to write this and had forgot about it.

I also had the impression that you need to have time for yourself that you can enjoy for yourself.

[Nía]

Hi Lovelyfaith,

sorry, I'm a bit late but felt the urge to say that, in my humble opinion, our human reality...

You haven't learned it yet so it re-presents worse and worse till you do.

... presents itself in quite the opposite way, the earliest experiences of any kind of trauma, including any form of betrayal, are usually the worst, means, they are the ones who cause the most damage and create the worst pain. Everything afterwards only takes the same line and deepens the wounds that are already there... That's why it hurts even more if you have been hurt in childhood already. But of course, the re-presenting part is true for all  of us. 

And:



Lots of love!
-`ღ´-