Betrayal Catalyst

[Lovelyfaith]

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well today. I feel compelled to bring a problem that I have had to the table because I respect the wisdom that you all have worked for and honestly I could use some advice.

Without going into too much boring detail, my soul had decided to use betrayal as a catalyst for me. Virtually every person in my life that I have allowed to get close to me has betrayed my trust, besides my kids of course. My most recent catalyst being my husband stepping out on me after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids. I had no idea a person could hurt that bad. It was enough for me to question everything that everyone had ever told me, made me start questioning my faith which lead to my spiritual awakening.

Granted, I am so grateful of where I have come in my personal progression, I still have a very hard time dealing with people. I have the urge to run away from society often. If I didn't have my kids I would take my suicidal thoughts seriously, but I would never hurt them, so often I feel stuck and depressed. I am still married, but we struggle now. Before everything came out I felt like we had a perfect marriage, we fought maybe once a year and were inseparable. He was the love of my life and best friend, I was so crushed by what he did I lost enough of my body weight that my triple zero jeans had room, and lost a quarter of my hair. It's been about a year and a half now so I don't think about it much. I struggle with life, and feeling joy, however.

But my problem lies with trust and self love. I work at a job (family business) that my husband didn't want so I took it so that he would be happier taking care of the kids at home. He convinced me that he wanted to home-school our kids, but he plays video games all day long while I work, only to come home to a messy house and a family waiting for me to make dinner and entertain them. I don't think I would care as much but he cheated on me just 3 months after I took this job for him. I was a good stay at home mom and I worked really hard so that he didn't have to do anything when he got home, so it's hard for me to feel like I'm being respected and appreciated for what I do. I work in insurance, which I HATE. I am VERY introverted and so selling insurance is NOT my forte. He doesn't seem to care much about my feelings anymore, not only has he told me he has trouble feeling empathy for me, he looks at other women with me there which makes me feel very insecure, and he gets mad at me when I try to tell him how it makes me feel. I don't have anyone to open up to anymore so I have to bottle up my emotions and try to let them out in little bits when I am alone. Every time I have tried to talk to him about anything he gets mad at me for trying to 'make him perfect' or he will ignore me and it will erupt into a massive fight where we don't talk for days. I feel completely alone. I don't have close friends because my best friend quit talking to me after I opened up to her about what was going on, apparently she was afraid that since our husbands were friends it was contagious. I don't trust anyone, even my own parents have done things to me that should never have happened, repeatedly.

So what gives. I know I have a problem with trust, but will this be considered a blockage to me? I don't think my heart is blocked because I still feel massive amounts of empathy and compassion for people, I just don't want to get close to them. I know Ra had said we all have our own unique balance, but can I still be balanced and have trouble trusting? It doesn't seem fair to use this as a catalyst to awaken me if I need to work my way out of it too. I could really use some advice. I just want to be happy again. What am I missing? How do I get over this?

[Glow]

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well today.  I feel compelled to bring a problem that I have had to the table because I respect the wisdom that you all have worked for and honestly I could use some advice.

Without going into too much boring detail, my soul had decided to use betrayal as a catalyst for me.  Virtually every person in my life that I have allowed to get close to me has betrayed my trust, besides my kids of course.  My most recent catalyst being my husband stepping out on me after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids.  I had no idea a person could hurt that bad.  It was enough for me to question everything that everyone had ever told me, made me start questioning my faith which lead to my spiritual awakening.  

Granted, I am so grateful of where I have come in my personal progression, I still have a very hard time dealing with people.  I have the urge to run away from society often.  If I didn't have my kids I would take my suicidal thoughts seriously, but I would never hurt them, so often I feel stuck and depressed.  I am still married, but we struggle now.  Before everything came out I felt like we had a perfect marriage, we fought maybe once a year and were inseparable.  He was the love of my life and best friend, I was so crushed by what he did I lost enough of my body weight that my triple zero jeans had room, and lost a quarter of my hair.  It's been about a year and a half now so I don't think about it much.  I struggle with life, and feeling joy, however.  

But my problem lies with trust and self love.  I work at a job (family business) that my husband didn't want so I took it so that he would be happier taking care of the kids at home.  He convinced me that he wanted to home-school our kids, but he plays video games all day long while I work, only to come home to a messy house and a family waiting for me to make dinner and entertain them.  I don't think I would care as much but he cheated on me just 3 months after I took this job for him.  I was a good stay at home mom and I worked really hard so that he didn't have to do anything when he got home, so it's hard for me to feel like I'm being respected and appreciated for what I do.  I work in insurance, which I HATE.  I am VERY introverted and so selling insurance is NOT my forte.  He doesn't seem to care much about my feelings anymore, not only has he told me he has trouble feeling empathy for me, he looks at other women with me there which makes me feel very insecure, and he gets mad at me when I try to tell him how it makes me feel.  I don't have anyone to open up to anymore so I have to bottle up my emotions and try to let them out in little bits when I am alone.  Every time I have tried to talk to him about anything he gets mad at me for trying to 'make him perfect' or he will ignore me and it will erupt into a massive fight where we don't talk for days.  I feel completely alone.  I don't have close friends because my best friend quit talking to me after I opened up to her about what was going on, apparently she was afraid that since our husbands were friends it was contagious.  I don't trust anyone, even my own parents have done things to me that should never have happened, repeatedly.  

So what gives.  I know I have a problem with trust, but will this be considered a blockage to me?  I don't think my heart is blocked because I still feel massive amounts of empathy and compassion for people, I just don't want to get close to them.  I know Ra had said we all have our own unique balance, but can I still be balanced and have trouble trusting?  It doesn't seem fair to use this as a catalyst to awaken me if I need to work my way out of it too.  I could really use some advice.  I just want to be happy again.  What am I missing?  How do I get over this?

Darling that does not sound like a healthy dynamic. I'm not sure what the growth outcome is but at this point to get past it you might have to make changes.

Perhaps the point is to except him for who he is but realize it might be better to except the loss of what was in hopes of a better tomorrow.

I'm sure others with more Ra insite will step in but I just wanted to tell you that you are worthy of love. Big hug. I'm sorry you are going through this. I get the feeling as we all go through so much quick growth with the new energies long term marriages are going to be harder to maintain unless they were soul based from the get go.

[Minyatur]

All I can offer as advice is to listen to your heart. Find within yourself each thing you find that others lack toward you. Love yourself for who you are.

Trust is not necessarily meant to be blindly given, you can love others without trusting them to not hurt you and it matters to protect yourself and care for yourself.

All my best wishes to you. I do have faith there are out there those whom you could blindly entrust yourself to, those who would grant you the purest love for who you are and all of your efforts, that you only have put yourself away from them so you could learn what it is you desired to learn.

[YinYang]

Betrayal is a nasty catalyst, but as our In The Now podcast trio has recently pointed out, catalyst catalyses growth. Betrayal has been a recurring catalyst in my life as well, the last one fairly recently (year and a half ago). The first thing one feels is definitely unworthiness, if someone you love and trust does such a 180, or shows you their dark, selfish side which hasn't made its appearance ever before.... There is anger, frustration, feeling deceived, self-doubt... because you think you have been thrown away, and someone who once declared their love for you all of a sudden doesn't value you anymore.

For me personally, it was all about forgiveness, which I'm still busy with. I think it 'does' cause blockages if there is resentment, anger, unworthiness, feeling betrayed and unforgiveness.

Questioner: Now, is there— the two areas then that the instrument can look to for curing this problem… I understand that the yellow-ray blockage problem has completely repaired, shall I say. If this is not correct, could you make suggestions on that, please?

Ra: I am Ra. Each entity must, in order to completely unblock yellow ray, love all which are in relationship to it, with hope only of the other-selves’ joy, peace, and comfort.

Much easier said than done, I know. Time helps. I'm afraid I also have to agree with Glow that I think you have to really be honest with yourself about your future together...

The lack of joy is very telling, love doesn't hurt, it feels good. Listen to your emotions.

Ra: Love is the great protector.

After such trauma also just keep the 5 stages of grief in the back of your mind, what you are going through is completely normal - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. A good psychologist or mentor usually has the job of making sure you don't stay stuck in one of the first 4 stages.

[Minyatur]

It can be useful to think that human encounters like almost any encounter are temporary happenings. No one is truly bound to another but trough shared desires and as time passes by we all change and come to resonate with new things and let go of what we no longer resonate with.

Soul gravity, attracting us to those we need to meet until it is time to part ways again. All in the ever turning spiral of consciousness.

[Glow]

Though easier said than done I think it's another chance to learn empathy and forgiveness for who/where he is at this moment.

If you look at him as another self it's not to make excuses but was he depressed after giving up his job? Was this an attempt to either destroy what he no longer felt worthy of(his family) or an attempt to feel like a man after giving up what most of society uses to classify a persons worth(material earning power).

If he can no longer feel empathy for you is be able to feel it for himself?
I'm not trying to turn this into "poor him" but you asked what to do with this catalyst so I am trying to see a growth opportunity here.

If there was once great love and he did ruin it for some reason, can you be the big person extend him true love, forgiveness and trust that he is worth trying again for? If he is depressed over his actions and self sabotaging this may not be a throw away situation, just a chance to step further out of the material into love. (Big hugs) hope that wasn't offensive I meant it as insite from a loving place for you and your family.

[Lovelyfaith]

Thank you. I know, I know... I have kids though so it's not so cut and dry as I'm sure you can imagine. He deserves someone who can trust him and let him start over. I feel guilty because I feel like if I could handle things better we would be through this by now. I don't want to see him hurt, and I know he would be. If I leave he will have to get a job, my kids would have to go to school, and I would have to find a new job and home. I keep telling myself that everything will get better because I really dislike change, and we have gone through SOOO much in the past year and a half that I dread putting my kids through a divorce. And I know if I do leave him I will most likely not want to meet anyone else, and this makes me sad. I don't want to be by myself, but I want him and myself to be happy as well. Thank you for your advice and kind words, they made me cry- it's nice to be able to get it out and have someone respond with kindness.

[Glow]

Though easier said than done I think it's another chance to learn empathy and forgiveness for who/where he is at this moment.

If you look at him as another self it's not to make excuses but was he depressed after giving up his job? Was this an attempt to either destroy what he no longer felt worthy of(his family) or an attempt to feel like a man after giving up what most of society uses to classify a persons worth(material earning power).

If he can no longer feel empathy for you is be able to feel it for himself?
I'm not trying to turn this into "poor him" but you asked what to do with this catalyst so I am trying to see a growth opportunity here.

If there was once great love and he did ruin it for some reason, can you be the big person extend him true love, forgiveness and trust that he is worth trying again for? If he is depressed over his actions and self sabotaging this may not be a throw away situation, just a chance to step further out of the material into love. (Big hugs) hope that wasn't offensive I meant it as insite from a loving place for you and your family.

If you cannot, forgive yourself and do what is required to look forward to life.

[Lovelyfaith]

Though easier said than done I think it's another chance to learn empathy and forgiveness for who/where he is at this moment.

If you look at him as another self it's not to make excuses but was he depressed after giving up his job? Was this an attempt to either destroy what he no longer felt worthy of(his family) or an attempt to feel like a man after giving up what most of society uses to classify a persons worth(material earning power).

He wasn't depressed, at least to my knowledge. He was vacationing in the dominican republic and liked the attention that some teenager was giving him so he decided to spend 4 days with her and forget about us.

If he can no longer feel empathy for you is be able to feel it for himself?
I'm not trying to turn this into "poor him" but you asked what to do with this catalyst so I am trying to see a growth opportunity here.

You know, I do know he has been very hard on himself since it has all come out. I have told him he might have a blockage and he seems to think he has always been this way since he was a kid. I think he probably does have a heart blockage though.

If there was once great love and he did ruin it for some reason, can you be the big person extend him true love, forgiveness and trust that he is worth trying again for? If he is depressed over his actions and self sabotaging this may not be a throw away situation, just a chance to step further out of the material into love. (Big hugs) hope that wasn't offensive I meant it as insite from a loving place for you and your family.

I appreciate it. <3

[Glow]

Though easier said than done I think it's another chance to learn empathy and forgiveness for who/where he is at this moment.

If you look at him as another self it's not to make excuses but was he depressed after giving up his job? Was this an attempt to either destroy what he no longer felt worthy of(his family) or an attempt to feel like a man after giving up what most of society uses to classify a persons worth(material earning power).

He wasn't depressed, at least to my knowledge.  He was vacationing in the dominican republic and liked the attention that some teenager was giving him so he decided to spend 4 days with her and forget about us.  

If he can no longer feel empathy for you is be able to feel it for himself?
I'm not trying to turn this into "poor him" but you asked what to do with this catalyst so I am trying to see a growth opportunity here.

You know, I do know he has been very hard on himself since it has all come out.  I have told him he might have a blockage and he seems to think he has always been this way since he was a kid.  I think he probably does have a heart blockage though.  

If there was once great love and he did ruin it for some reason, can you be the big person extend him true love, forgiveness and trust that he is worth trying again for? If he is depressed over his actions and self sabotaging this may not be a throw away situation, just a chance to step further out of the material into love. (Big hugs) hope that wasn't offensive I meant it as insite from a loving place for you and your family.

I appreciate it.  <3

Sadly at the end of the day there are something's that can only be learned from experience and ramifications actions.
Having to get a job and cover some bills even part time would ease some of the burden on you and no offence but messing with a teenager and spending the days playing video games while you work sounds like he really needs to get out and come in contact with his own catylist. Perhaps staying home while nice for the kids isn't going to give him the growth opportunities he clearly needs.

Can he empathize with the kids even. Not sure what good he is exposing them to during the day playing video games. They may be better off at daycare.

Again sorry you experienced this. I wish you ALL healing, and love.

[anagogy]

So what gives.  I know I have a problem with trust, but will this be considered a blockage to me?  I don't think my heart is blocked because I still feel massive amounts of empathy and compassion for people, I just don't want to get close to them.  I know Ra had said we all have our own unique balance, but can I still be balanced and have trouble trusting?  It doesn't seem fair to use this as a catalyst to awaken me if I need to work my way out of it too.  I could really use some advice.  I just want to be happy again.  What am I missing?  How do I get over this?

Here's the thing, you are trying to control the uncontrollable. The only thing you can control is your own self and your own thoughts. But the good news is that your thoughts control your emotions, and your emotions control everything else in your life. It is the difference between trying to change a reflection, and trying to change the reflectee. The reflection cannot be changed directly as it is a secondary phenomena even though it may appear near simultaneous with what is being reflected, it must be changed hierarchically from the reflectee side outwards. Similarly, life must be changed from the inside out. "As within, so without. As above, so below." Trying to affect things outside of yourself only works to the extent that you accidentally make some inner change as a result of "wrestling" with the outer illusion. Mediocre results at best.

And anytime anybody's else's actions or behaviors control your emotions you are in for a really hard time. I know it sounds impossible, but you have to only care about one thing: your own personal alignment to balance, which is emotional well being. You cannot bend over backwards enough to please ANYONE. Trust me. They will always want more, will always take more, will always find some fault in what you are doing. Any action you take that does not make your heart sing with joy is doomed to fail. Even "begrudgingly given" help is worse than no help at all. Why? Because you are not acting from a place of connection with the universe. If that sounds selfish I would say it is far more selfish of another to expect you to bend over backwards to please them. If you aren't selfish enough to align with your own sense of well being, you have nothing to offer anyone else anyway. Connection will always yield far more wide reaching results.

So how to regain your alignment after all these painful manifestations of betrayal? The very first thing you need to do is attend to your own needs. If you don't like your job, you should look into other options. If you like being a stay at home mom, look into ways to make that happen. Don't be afraid to follow your heart, follow your desires, and pursue an existence that is personally pleasing. If you believe in the concept that we manifest what we find I will tell you right now, what happens around you is a pure reflection of your emotional state. It is the shape that events congeal to. And what controls your emotion? Your thoughts. Where you place your conscious attention is what determines your emotions. When you feel bad, it is because you are focused on *lack* of what is wanted. So your blockage is simply this: a habit of dwelling on what is/has or will go wrong. And the more that is focused upon, the bigger and badder it will get (and your dread/anxiety/depression will increase as well). I know because I've been there hundreds of times. You, I, and all others have this notion we can just intellectually sort all this stuff out. I'm telling you: you can't. Don't try. Waste of time. Any physical resolution only happens after the emotional resolution. If you take nothing else away from what I say: at least remember that your emotions attract your experiences, and your thoughts create your emotions.

Do you want to know what forgiveness is? It is a withdrawal of attention from the events that seemingly require forgiveness. To forgive and forget is to withdraw attention enough from the "crime" that you no longer think about it anymore. You have to let them go, if you want to be happy, or at least see it in a new light.

So my advice is simply this: try to spend more of your time dwelling on what is going right, and if you can be more aware of that than what is seemingly going wrong, then things will slowly heal in your life. Everything you think about is growing. And if you are not sure if what you are focused on is helping you -- all you have to do is a "gut check". If you feel anxious, afraid, depressed, guess where your focus is turned? It is a habit of attention, and it won't break over night. Just gently turn away from the ugly thoughts. Like making your way through a crowd. You don't have to fight every person, just gently move around them and continue on your way. And remember: all events are manifestations of your field of energy. So create a high vibrational field, and high vibrational events will coalesce in your experience.

This leads to inspired actions which will take you towards what you are wanting in life. Will that be away from your husband? Will that be with your husband? Don't try to intellectually figure that out. Let your emotional guidance from a place of joy, peace, and wellbeing decide that. Action taken from that inspiration, leads to happy consequences. Actions taken from the inspiration afforded by depression never have good results. Good luck.  

[Verum Occultum]

Write a note to him where you tell your true feelings. Sometimes it is easier to read in silence than to talk about arduous things. And if he reads that note, he will hear your voice in it. I believe that by giving, your heart grows bigger. So big that the whole world fits in it. The movements of another can not be controlled but one can always be grateful because this existence is the biggest party you can find.

In society there are many people, and many people in society can not find a straight path. That is why they can betray you. But behind betrayal there is often something deeper, and that deeper thing invites love in. Rarely is that deeper thing so tender that even love must tiptoe delicately in order to get closer. So I think that you must build the inner energy to remember that this is indeed a party which has been going on eternally, because when you have the energy, you have the power to forgive. Betrayal is intense catalyst, but it also proves that you are ready for it and mature enough to grow out of it. But you have also grown wiser, and that will remain in your soul eternally. You know what it's like to take the hit, so when someone comes to you in their own hardship, then you can help them by empathizing. This is giving.

I hope things will go well with you, Lovelyfaith. All is well.

[Lovelyfaith]

Thank you, everyone. I will be honest, as soon as I posted this I was looking for the delete button. I'm so glad I didn't, I really needed this advice. I need to remember that this is an opportunity for growth. As I mentioned in another post, remembering the fact that your thoughts control your emotions and your emotions control the world around you was such a good reminder for me. I sometimes feel the weight and cave in a low vibration. Life is so incredibly hard sometimes, but it's important to stay positive and do what you can with what you have. To make lemonade out of lemons, or what ever they say. I have been having the feeling that I just need to work on me, and spend less focus on trying to fix this illusion. My world is pretty dark right now, how long does it take to clear the energy if I try to remain in a positive mind frame do you think? Also mentioned in that other thread was the importance of cleansing rituals, I do feel a presence sometimes and I know I need to protect myself more. This will be the first thing I do when I get home.

[Nicholas]

Thank you, everyone.  I will be honest, as soon as I posted this I was looking for the delete button.  I'm so glad I didn't,

Hi Lovely faith.  I am glad too! I mean how can anyone offer any service if there is no call? It would be like answering a phone that didn't ring and having our efforts fall upon deaf or absent ears!

Welcome btw 

Geez, betrayal is a buggy, that's for sure! I was talking about this issue briefly in the weekly meditation chat room group, last Saturday (shamelessly speaking, more details are available in the 'Meet up' sub forum   ).

I look at this perpetuating catalyst thusly, which I think you can identify with in light of the way that you are taking responsibility for your situation...

Imagine that we are all dominoes here on the game board of life, and our intention was to not be one of those many, many dominoes that topples and inevitably pushes against the next in the midst of falling flat. A game of dominoes can get a bit wobbly at times!!!

Teal Swan is my go to gal where emotional intelligence is concerned (you tube), and your particular situation, as much as you have shared, compels me to point you towards her. As an extra source of comfort and guidance that is. 

Thank you for joining, and thank you for sharing! Life can get a bit lonely when the phone doesn't ring.

But beyond my words, the biggest of brotherly hugs are sent your way. 

(((   )))

[Lovelyfaith]

Thank you, everyone.  I will be honest, as soon as I posted this I was looking for the delete button.  I'm so glad I didn't,

Hi Lovely faith.  I am glad too! I mean how can anyone offer any service if there is no call? It would be like answering a phone that didn't ring and having our efforts fall upon deaf or absent ears!

Welcome btw 

Geez, betrayal is a buggy, that's for sure! I was talking about this issue briefly in the weekly meditation chat room group, last Saturday (shamelessly speaking, more details are available in the 'Meet up' sub forum   ).

I look at this perpetuating catalyst thusly, which I think you can identify with in light of the way that you are taking responsibility for your situation...

Imagine that we are all dominoes here on the game board of life, and our intention was to not be one of those many, many dominoes that topples and inevitably pushes against the next in the midst of falling flat. A game of dominoes can get a bit wobbly at times!!!

Teal Swan is my go to gal where emotional intelligence is concerned (you tube), and your particular situation, as much as you have shared, compels me to point you towards her. As an extra source of comfort and guidance that is. 

Thank you for joining, and thank you for sharing! Life can get a bit lonely when the phone doesn't ring.

But beyond my words, the biggest of brotherly hugs are sent your way. 

(((   )))

Thank you, Nicholas! I felt the love from your post, I felt like there was a lot of heart there, so thank you for your kindness and advice. I actually have watched lots of Teal Swan but never on this subject, I will definitely check her out and see if anything will resonate. Next time I wont hesitate to phone in

[anagogy]

My world is pretty dark right now, how long does it take to clear the energy if I try to remain in a positive mind frame do you think?

One piece of advice that is a very common tripping point for people: don't try to feel positive emotions for the purpose of changing your circumstances. I know this sounds counterintuitive but this is one of the most powerful things I've ever learned about manifestation. The better feeling emotions have to be their own reward. If they aren't, they simply won't be genuine positive emotions. Simple as that. If you attempt to feel good emotions to "fix something" you are focused on the absence of what you want, and you will feel it, because the emotion will feel forced. When you try to fix something, the attention is on the problem. You have to get awareness off the problem, and the problem will lose its energy. Again, the intellect will slow progress down in terms of manifestation.

So my advice is to spend some time every day making lists of things in your life you genuinely appreciate. This is an EASY way to feel real positive emotion. As your awareness becomes more habitually oriented on the wanted/appreciated in your life, you can't help but come into vibrational alignment with MORE of that. You are tuning your frequency. That is all you have to do. The frequency of pure appreciation is the opposite of resistance. Your energy will clear at the exact same speed as your emotion improves. Your emotions are simply your translation of the vibrational relativity between desire and belief. They are your "spiritual compass". And when emotion changes, all vibrational relativity changes. You will experience small synchronicities confirming your new relativity almost immediately.

And when you fall off the wagon and accidentally focus on the negative (and you will, we're human), don't beat yourself up, just forgive yourself, and again look for the good in life again. This is emotional alchemy, and like all things worth learning in life, it will take practice. Everything is a muscle that gets stronger with use.

[Blunt Force]

Can you step out and say to family that you do aura cleansing?

[Lovelyfaith]

Can you step out and say to family that you do aura cleansing?

Do you think an aura cleansing would help? Wish we lived in the future and this was free, money is tight.

I hate to even post, I'm sure it looks like I am needing attention, please don't reply anyone, I am not wanting attention, but I feel like I need to get some of this out of me, I find myself hiding away to cry for no reason and nobody around understands or cares, my husband would rather me slap on a fake smile than talk about my problems, my heart is so heavy, my head hurts. I wish I could give up, I feel so stuck. I can't leave him, its not me. I can't do that to them. I have tried with every piece of me to be positive and get my mind off things, but i'm either numb or crying, or smiling for my family so that they don't have to have their day ruined, I've ruined a lot of them. And then I get anxious that my energy is bad and start to worry that I'm manifesting more depression and that makes it worse by the guilt, I am putting my family through so much because I just can't get a grip. I feel like such an incredible burden. If I could just be happy and not let this stuff get to me our lives would be so much better. If I was good at my job and wasn't so anxious talking to people we would have more money and they would be able to have more money to do things. I have an insurance policy right now that could make me money but I am too afraid to call my customer because I have the worst social anxiety and he makes me feel so small and stupid and I really can't handle that right now, I've been shaking for the last hour knowing I need to call him. And nobody understands how that feels, to be afraid to call anyone, like a child, I can't help it, it's just that I always mess up when I talk, I forget things mid-sentence, I stutter. I feel utterly worthless.
If I kill myself I would leave my kids without a mom, and that would crush them. And my husband would have to struggle. So I'm stuck. Lemonade out of fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake. Sorry today is just a really hard day.

[Nicholas]

Thank you, Nicholas!  I felt the love from your post, I felt like there was a lot of heart there, so thank you for your kindness and advice.  I actually have watched lots of Teal Swan but never on this subject, I will definitely check her out and see if anything will resonate.  Next time I wont hesitate to phone in  

I am not one of the wise ones among us, that's for sure! Betrayal to me is like somebody putting out a cigarette on our tender parts while mistaking us for an ashtray. In order to betray we must first learn how to do it. And that involves being betrayed as I understand it.

Of course, my heart is with you here. I do not mean to abstract the situation to the point of missing it's value, or negate it's effects. It hurts.

It isn't that Teal has spoken specifically about betrayal on her video casts. It's more that she has lived through this catalyst herself. She was betrayed as a child for many a year. Her book, 'Shadows Before Dawn' goes into a bit of detail on that. 

Why not send her an email on this topic?

I do have my own story to tell on betrayal, and I would not have turned to drugs (past tense) for comfort without it. Conversely, I don't regret any of that part of my life because it helped to wake me up!

It sounds like your children are the ones closest to you at the moment. Could they be old enough to act as your friends, too? I suggest that with great care btw 

[pumpkinsurf]

I feel guilty because I feel like if I could handle things better we would be through this by now.

It's not your fault, darling. We are all doing the best we can in every single moment that we are in, and that goes for you as well.

I was betrayed recently for the first time, nothing like what you are going through, but doesn't it feel like a kick in the gut... Like someone took their boot and hooked it right under your diaphragm.

I just started practicing reiki and energy healing and I'm not sure how effective it will be yet but I can send you some this evening. Just pm or email me and let me know

[Minyatur]

You spoke that your soul chose the catalyst of betrayal, what do you believe are the lessons you are set to learn?

It does seem to me you surely are not here to work on being more loving, as that seems to be quite strong already despite the circumstances you spoke of.

[YinYang]

You spoke that your soul chose the catalyst of betrayal, what do you believe are the lessons you are set to learn?

I believe the lesson is always ultimately to turn to the One. Is it not strange that we seldom seek the One when times are good?

These words of Ra always stuck with me (this was when things started going awry during the contact):

We suggest the nature of all manifestation to be illusory and functional only insofar as the entity turns from shape and shadow to the One.

All the disappointments with people and situations, I believe, occur to make us seek the One, through meditation, contemplation and spiritual teachings. There's a reason Ra advised meditation constantly, because that is where the One is to be found. I think we all experience betrayal in our lives, we all experience loss, limitation, trauma, heartbreak, disillusionment, etc. I once heard it said that man's extremity is God's opportunity, and I have to admit that it usually is the case, at least in my life.

Disappointment, after disappointment, after disappointment, eventually bring you closer to the realisation that there is no real fulfilment in anything, as long as you have not made the acquaintance of the One, and of yourself. If you haven't had this illumination, you are clinging to a little boat in a storm without steering, at the mercy of anything and everything. There might be temporary pleasures and good fortune, but soon enough that vanishes like mist before the sun. The only lasting joy is to be found by seeking the Creator, and going within, no matter what the nature of the catalyst.

Meister Eckhart, a mystic from the 1200s who was tried for heresy by the Catholic church for suggesting that God is to be found within, said this:

Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.

I would just like to point out that I am also still on this journey from head to heart, intellectual knowledge of it is a start, but the spiritual realization and illumination can only come through meditation for most, I believe.

[Minyatur]

Well all catalysts always only involve One.

[anagogy]

I have tried with every piece of me to be positive and get my mind off things, but i'm either numb or crying, or smiling for my family so that they don't have to have their day ruined, I've ruined a lot of them.  And then I get anxious that my energy is bad and start to worry that I'm manifesting more depression and that makes it worse by the guilt, I am putting my family through so much because I just can't get a grip.  I feel like such an incredible burden.  If I could just be happy and not let this stuff get to me our lives would be so much better.  If I was good at my job and wasn't so anxious talking to people we would have more money and they would be able to have more money to do things.  I have an insurance policy right now that could make me money but I am too afraid to call my customer because I have the worst social anxiety and he makes me feel so small and stupid and I really can't handle that right now, I've been shaking for the last hour knowing I need to call him.  And nobody understands how that feels, to be afraid to call anyone, like a child, I can't help it, it's just that I always mess up when I talk, I forget things mid-sentence, I stutter.  I feel utterly worthless.
If I kill myself I would leave my kids without a mom, and that would crush them.  And my husband would have to struggle.  So I'm stuck.  Lemonade out of fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake.  Sorry today is just a really hard day.

Unfortunately you can't really force a positive mood. And trying to do so always results in stress. Oftentimes we are in the midst of powerful momentum of thought which means sometimes you have to just feel what you are feeling. Let yourself feel it. And don't beat yourself up for doing it. All you can really do, is attempt to see the glass half full rather than half empty, make a modest attempt to count your blessings even if they seem in short supply. Most people go through cycles of feeling good and bad throughout the day, and even more broad cycles day to day. Sometimes just milking those natural good feeling cycles when they randomly occur is a good way to make progress towards stabilizing a more positive life perspective. When you feel bad, you can't see other more positive possibilities. You close yourself vibrationally off to them.

When I can't "think myself" into better feeling thoughts because the momentum is too strong to buck the current of negativity, I meditate, where I sit down and spend some time trying to let go of all thought. After enough "letting go" I begin to feel emotional relief, a sense of lightness, an awareness of more clear possibilities. It is sort of like just letting go of the oars, and letting the stream gently carry you towards the positive.  

And social anxiety is extraordinarily common. Our society tends to breed insecurity in people. I struggled very much with that at one point in my life. Not being able to talk to people on the phone was very normal to me -- i.e., the stuttering, not feeling competent, forgetting things, etc. What social anxiety extends from is an inordinate amount of focus or attention placed on what others are thinking about you. It is a habit of caring what others think about you, and further, believing that what they think will be or is negative in nature. So the way I turned that around was by spending more time thinking about my good qualities, my personal self worth, and challenging my assumptions about what other people thought of me. It is essentially the same process you find in cognitive behavioral therapy -- the gradual retraining of thought processes.

I thought this video was good on social anxiety:

 

[Lovelyfaith]

You spoke that your soul chose the catalyst of betrayal, what do you believe are the lessons you are set to learn?

It does seem to me you surely are not here to work on being more loving, as that seems to be quite strong already despite the circumstances you spoke of.

I suppose I was just assuming it's betrayal, considering it's been the theme of my life from my perspective. My dad carried on an inappropriate relationship with me at the age of 4 and abandoned me and my brothers at 8, and my mom is a compulsive liar and narcissist that refuses to have a normal healthy relationship with me. So that, coupled with the fact that of the very few intimate relationships that I've built in my life, I've been betrayed by every boyfriend and female friend that I've had. I have no problem with forgiving, I wonder though if it really just boils down to self love.

[Minyatur]

You spoke that your soul chose the catalyst of betrayal, what do you believe are the lessons you are set to learn?

It does seem to me you surely are not here to work on being more loving, as that seems to be quite strong already despite the circumstances you spoke of.

I suppose I was just assuming it's betrayal, considering it's been the theme of my life from my perspective.  My dad carried on an inappropriate relationship with me at the age of 4 and abandoned me and my brothers at 8, and my mom is a compulsive liar and narcissist that refuses to have a normal healthy relationship with me.  So that, coupled with the fact that of the very few intimate relationships that I've built in my life, I've been betrayed by every boyfriend and female friend that I've had.  I have no problem with forgiving, I wonder though if it really just boils down to self love.

Could this be to teach you both to want and be able to take care of yourself or just care for yourself?

i.e. to not put others above your own well being

[Glow]

You spoke that your soul chose the catalyst of betrayal, what do you believe are the lessons you are set to learn?

It does seem to me you surely are not here to work on being more loving, as that seems to be quite strong already despite the circumstances you spoke of.

I suppose I was just assuming it's betrayal, considering it's been the theme of my life from my perspective.  My dad carried on an inappropriate relationship with me at the age of 4 and abandoned me and my brothers at 8, and my mom is a compulsive liar and narcissist that refuses to have a normal healthy relationship with me.  So that, coupled with the fact that of the very few intimate relationships that I've built in my life, I've been betrayed by every boyfriend and female friend that I've had.  I have no problem with forgiving, I wonder though if it really just boils down to self love.

Take this please with the love behind it but perhaps the lesson is not to see things from the perspective you are choosing. You haven't learned it yet so it re-presents worse and worse till you do.

I was messed with as a kid by a family member. I never saw that as betrayal. I saw how hurt he was even then. It was messed up. I was 4-6 so it effected me but mostly I think it was unfortunate situations that taught me to forgive and always see the why behind things. People are hurting.

My dad left when I was 4 took all the money and moved to another country. In the late 70s he was already making $100 an hour yet he left the country so he wouldn't have to pay child support.
I didn't feel betrayed, I kinda thought even then he was pretty selfish but betrayed never entered my head even now.

He left us kids with a woman so unstable she actually packed my siblings in the car me 5, sister 9 and brother 12 with intentions of driving us all off a tall bridge. She didn't but even after ending up in the psych ward no one came to take care of us kids. The next bunch of years I'm sure you can imagine with no money, step fathers, extended family even from both sides walking clear out of our lives. just picture everything going bad that could lol still I don't feel betrayed.

I felt I had incompetent parents and started to see family is those you choose to love, and who choose to love you. They (family)as far as I was conserned even as a kid were stuck at a level where they could only see their needs/wants. No betrayal just people not seeing the big picture.

Anyways I'm nit trying to say your feelings are at all incorrect. I did have abandonment issues, but we are here to learn. I've learned a lot through all that and really I can only be greatful.

Betrayal as a perspective isn't what you necissarily need to see. I would be looking deeper at why, I'm sure there is a dark painful root to why he needed her affection. It's not just sex if it's 4 days, what was he trying to heal. Maybe something he's hiding so deep he doesn't even know.

When you find their pain you can forgive and show compassion that heals.
As to your social anxiety. The phone is hard. I LOVE talking to people but even I hate phones and sales bites let's face it. Don't beat yourself up over that. Show yourself the same compassion. Laugh at it a bit and let that self judgement heal.

So I rambled but my thinking is if you pick a healthier lesson out of all this than betrayal you will change everything even what you attract. Forgiveness and compassion was where I went but something else might suit you better.

Being we are all otherselves, if we can see as a spark if we accumulated another's experiences with the life they had shaping them any one of us could perpetrate the same thing. I'm not a Christian but the saying "there but for the grace of God go I" has been a really useful thing for me to remember.

Big hug, it's hard to shift you heart and mind to a new perspective but sometimes that is the only way to be free. (Hug)

Ps I'm having dinner with my father tomorrow night after not seeing him more than 4 times in 20 years. He's a toddler at the consiousness level I always keep that in mind.

[Nicholas]

I wonder though if it really just boils down to self love.

I wondered that too. Now that you have expressed it though...

PLEASE GET TEAL SWANS BOOK!!!

Sorry about the outburst, I will send you my copy by post if I have to? I bought it with the intention of reading it to my wife before bedtime, but she is not keen on that idea. So I have absorbed it for myself, instead.

Pm me so I can forward it to you, if that is cool with you of course!

[Lovelyfaith]

You spoke that your soul chose the catalyst of betrayal, what do you believe are the lessons you are set to learn?

It does seem to me you surely are not here to work on being more loving, as that seems to be quite strong already despite the circumstances you spoke of.

I suppose I was just assuming it's betrayal, considering it's been the theme of my life from my perspective.  My dad carried on an inappropriate relationship with me at the age of 4 and abandoned me and my brothers at 8, and my mom is a compulsive liar and narcissist that refuses to have a normal healthy relationship with me.  So that, coupled with the fact that of the very few intimate relationships that I've built in my life, I've been betrayed by every boyfriend and female friend that I've had.  I have no problem with forgiving, I wonder though if it really just boils down to self love.

Could this be to teach you both to want and be able to take care of yourself or just care for yourself?

i.e. to not put others above your own well being

I am starting to think there are many lessons that could be learned with all of this. It's hard to see the lesson when in a negative vibration, it's so hard to look at it from the outside, it feels like there is a dark grey cloud surrounding me that makes it hard to focus on anything except for what I am sad about. I think that's the depression. When I'm having a good day, I can see it from different angles and can see what good these lessons can bring. I think that I've just been through a lot and probably have pushed a lot down. I know going through a spiritual awakening can pull things out of your sub-conscious that you haven't thought about for a while. It's just been a bit much lately, someone the other day mentioned 'dark night of the soul', and that sounds about right. I keep drawing the devil tarot card with the moon, so it makes sense.

[Stranger]

Lovelyfaith, have you considered seeing a therapist? At the very least, it would give you an objective listener who is completely on your side - not in the sense of approving of everything you do, but in the sense of having your well-being as her only goal in working with you. She would also help you understand what patterns of thought and behavior are keeping you trapped in depression. Ideally, look for someone with a psychology Ph.D. or Psy.D., and experience.