Judgement - An Issue?

[sillypumpkins]

I notice that I am most judgmental (to self and others), or reactionary, or triggered when something hits a nerve ... when something "hits" close to home. Perhaps, it's whatever I perceive challenges a facet of my self-identity. 

Yeah! It's kinda like if you have an open wound, and you bump it on something. Ow! 

As I write this, I think judgment might be related to fear -- at least within me. For instance, Am I afraid I truly am selfish, and must defend against an accusation of such? 

For me, I sometimes judge myself/others just because I'm scared of whatever catalyst has come up. It is defensive in that way. Like, "I'm not ready to deal with this lesson right now so I'm just going to deflect it!" 

For example, I experience this feeling of frustration and anger when people are loud. Whether it's roommates talking loudly, people playing music over a speaker on a hike in the woods, or when a loud car drives by me as I'm walking down the street. I don't know why, I just feel soooo hot when these catalyst come up, and for some reason this catalyst in particular feels relatively difficult for me. 

Anyways, what I've tended to do, rather than learn from the catalyst, is just get pissed and judgmental. Sometimes it's veiled in some sarcasm, "wow dude, you're so cool for driving that loud fucking car," and sometimes it's, "why the f*** do people think it's ok to play music over a speaker on a hike?" 

For some reason, the potential learning within that particular catalyst feels like way tooo much, and it feels scary in that way. So I become fearful, and I judge as a way to direct the experience outwards. 

The reality is that, like you said, I am likely just very scared of being that which I perceive myself not to be. Or something. shrug 

But when I see/accept that I am selfish/generous, mean/loving, and all of the infinite attributes and energies flowing amidst us, I might be less likely to judge self/other.

Yeah