12-14-2020, 12:32 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-14-2020, 12:33 PM by sillypumpkins.)
Soooo.... that last post was a little emotional on my end. I was feeling very frustrated and upset (honestly, I felt like a victim). It doesn't feel good disconnecting from my brother like that.
I was talking to my mom yesterday and she brought up how she has a brother who she hasn't spoken to in 30 years, and she has no idea why. I can tell it is really upsetting and tormenting for her, and, well..... I don't want it to come to that for me and my brother.
So yesterday, I knocked on his door and asked if we could talk. I apologized for my part in the messiness, acknowledged his hurt, and then suggested that we hold off on these conversations until we find a therapist. I think we've dug ourselves a pretty deep hole and thus I don't see us being able to get out of it without a little bit of help.
I can tell we both felt a bit better after that. He even gave me a hug.
@flo -
@Aion - I love the music analogy, thank you. I actually had an epiphany moment a few months ago involving silence in music. Though you're right that it's something that can be applied to all facets of life. Our conversations are definitely lacking in listening. Neither of us feel heard, that much is clear. Thank you for thoughts
@Louisabell - hi louisa yes it is cool having someone so close to me in this life. Totally, as I've said, jarring at times, but it's really been a unique experience.
one thing that has been really difficult for me, is how I've teetered on the scales of duality in this situation for a while now. I'll go from giving myself completely over to the relationship, apologizing for things I didn't even do, and then I'll flip over to the opposite, wherein I get bitter, resentful and want to cut myself off from the relationship.
it reminds me of a few months ago, I was splitting up with my romantic partner and we were really stuck on what to do. It was either, stay together, or split up. There wasn't any middle ground, and it caused a lot of suffering, for me at least. One night, we were talking and it occurred to me that it doesn't have to be either/or, we can do it in a more holistic way. So, we split amicably and left room between us in case we want to try again (or not) in the future. Kinda like what Aion mentioned, leaving space. That made the whole process transformative and less somber than it would have been otherwise.
So, I'm not really sure anymore that cutting my brother off is something that i have to do. I see a more holistic solution, that being going to therapy together.
I resonate with everything else you said. Definitely need to set firmer boundaries, and give him space if he needs it.
also I appreciate the directness
@Minyatur - beautiful, thank you for that
@peregrine - I see, yes. Well, I know that my brother feels very lonely sometimes, and I often feel, from what he's told me, that I am a sort of counter-balance to that. I know he struggles being by himself, and I know he desires meaningful and creative relationships with others. When I started seeing a girl a few years ago, my brother took great offense to that and now tells me that I dropped him, and that he "lost me" around this time. We were living together for a year a couple years ago too, and I was going through some heavy stuff, also was still seeing my girlfriend, so I found it difficult to make time for other things. I was also working a lot. He tells me, to this day, that I dropped him and forgot about him as though it had something to do with him. He'll also point out that, when I was living with my partner and he was living at my dad's, he was always the one who had to come down to see me rather than the other way around. Well...... I was in school, working, and didn't have a car, so again, it had nothing to do with him.
Are these questions that I can even answer, peregrine? Serious question hahahaha. I just feel as though those questions are more apt as personal inquiries rather than interpersonal ones? does that make sense?
I was talking to my mom yesterday and she brought up how she has a brother who she hasn't spoken to in 30 years, and she has no idea why. I can tell it is really upsetting and tormenting for her, and, well..... I don't want it to come to that for me and my brother.
So yesterday, I knocked on his door and asked if we could talk. I apologized for my part in the messiness, acknowledged his hurt, and then suggested that we hold off on these conversations until we find a therapist. I think we've dug ourselves a pretty deep hole and thus I don't see us being able to get out of it without a little bit of help.
I can tell we both felt a bit better after that. He even gave me a hug.
@flo -
@Aion - I love the music analogy, thank you. I actually had an epiphany moment a few months ago involving silence in music. Though you're right that it's something that can be applied to all facets of life. Our conversations are definitely lacking in listening. Neither of us feel heard, that much is clear. Thank you for thoughts
@Louisabell - hi louisa
yes it is cool having someone so close to me in this life. Totally, as I've said, jarring at times, but it's really been a unique experience. one thing that has been really difficult for me, is how I've teetered on the scales of duality in this situation for a while now. I'll go from giving myself completely over to the relationship, apologizing for things I didn't even do, and then I'll flip over to the opposite, wherein I get bitter, resentful and want to cut myself off from the relationship.
it reminds me of a few months ago, I was splitting up with my romantic partner and we were really stuck on what to do. It was either, stay together, or split up. There wasn't any middle ground, and it caused a lot of suffering, for me at least. One night, we were talking and it occurred to me that it doesn't have to be either/or, we can do it in a more holistic way. So, we split amicably and left room between us in case we want to try again (or not) in the future. Kinda like what Aion mentioned, leaving space. That made the whole process transformative and less somber than it would have been otherwise.
So, I'm not really sure anymore that cutting my brother off is something that i have to do. I see a more holistic solution, that being going to therapy together.
I resonate with everything else you said. Definitely need to set firmer boundaries, and give him space if he needs it.
also I appreciate the directness
@Minyatur - beautiful, thank you for that
@peregrine - I see, yes. Well, I know that my brother feels very lonely sometimes, and I often feel, from what he's told me, that I am a sort of counter-balance to that. I know he struggles being by himself, and I know he desires meaningful and creative relationships with others. When I started seeing a girl a few years ago, my brother took great offense to that and now tells me that I dropped him, and that he "lost me" around this time. We were living together for a year a couple years ago too, and I was going through some heavy stuff, also was still seeing my girlfriend, so I found it difficult to make time for other things. I was also working a lot. He tells me, to this day, that I dropped him and forgot about him as though it had something to do with him. He'll also point out that, when I was living with my partner and he was living at my dad's, he was always the one who had to come down to see me rather than the other way around. Well...... I was in school, working, and didn't have a car, so again, it had nothing to do with him.
Are these questions that I can even answer, peregrine? Serious question hahahaha. I just feel as though those questions are more apt as personal inquiries rather than interpersonal ones? does that make sense?