12-10-2020, 03:19 PM
(12-10-2020, 02:15 PM)Dtris Wrote: It sounds like your brother has always been the dominant part or your duo, and he is feeling a loss of control. As you grow into your own person and not what he thinks you should be, it causes him to lash out at you. Then you are used to being the follower and you cave to what he wants to make him happy.
Any time someone changes, those changes will be resisted by those around them, no matter how well meaning they are. A different version of you exists in everyone you knows head. When your behavior is not congruent with that version, they will try to put you back into that box they have made for you, that is because your changes make them uncomfortable. That is on them to correct, not on you.
There is a control/controlled dynamic that seems to be going on here. Nothing nefarious or even intentional, but this is part of many people's relationships. I would suggest you examine your relationship from that perspective and you need to decide if that is a dynamic you want to accept moving forward.
First point is pretty on the mark. He's expressed resentment towards the fact that we have become different people, especially in the last few years. Like, we'll be talking about what we want musically or something, and he'll just sigh and say "yeah I guess we just want different things now." I can tell it really digs into him.
I've also expressed a desire to move away from our current city and that hasn't been met with any enthusiasm or good feeling at all. I've been wanting to move for a while now and have been looking at options, but I haven't told him because I don't want to upset him.
Idk, I would like it if he could look at me moving away as like, "oh, sillypumpkins is doing what his heart is set on, good for him" kind of thing. But it's more like "oh okay, you want to move away, that's really throwing a wrench in 'our plans.'" Idk, there's always just been a bitter resentment (on his end) towards any semblance of deviation from his "ideal course for us" whenever it becomes clear that I might be desiring a different way than him.
This is such a potent catalyst for me. I've found myself saying, "screw it, I'm just not going to deal with this anymore" and have been really set on not involving myself in living with him, and that sort of thing. But then someone like my mom will talk me into getting back in touch with him, because he's hurting and he needs his brother, or whatever. Then I get back into feeling like I "owe" something to the relationship/to him, or like it's my "duty" to continue doing this with him.
It's been a back-and-forth, in other words.
Then I find myself saying, well this is just really good catalyst, and a great learning opportunity. And I justify it in that way.
Dtris, I appreciate your response and will be examining the relationship from the angle you mentioned.
Much love