discovering the Ra material

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I guess. I am kind of pre-occupied with my connection to the death archetype, drawing more connections as I mull over it.

It started with a moment I had when watching a movie with my parents.

I posted about it in my journal on another forum, and I will re-post it here:

I was watching a movie last night. Over the course, I made many realizations.

During the previews, there was one for a musical with rap, modern pop music, latin music and other stuff pertinent to modern culture. I noted the difference in aesthetic but sameness in essence in comparison to most musicals. I pondered the reason people like musicals and I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter the particular style of music: Broadway showtunes, Rock Opera, Metal, Hip Hop, Pop, whatever. At the end of the day, people watch these kinds of movies because they wish they wisj to peer into a world where people spontaneously break out into creative self expression, primarilly in the form of music. I spoke under my breath as I said this. I concluded: "They long to live in a world of creativity."

I have a tendency to realize things as I say them.

When I said: "They long to live in a world of creativity" an IMMENSE pain suddenly hit me out of NOWHERE. I broke down sobbing immediately upon saying it.

I tend to wear beanies, so I pulled mine down and quietly wept uncontrollably, processing heavy amounts of intense and incredibly deep and buried pain.

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After I had sobbed enough and processed enough buried pain to collect myself somewhat (I would have mini-breakdowns over the course of the night) I came to the decision that the pain was beautiful, because the lesson it taught me was beautiful. What was the lesson? That there is clearly something very beautiful I care about.

I pulled down my beanie and cried some more.


This was the beginning of many realizations that night, which I made over the course of the movie. I barely payed attention to it, but whenever I did, I saw something reflected which lead to more realizations. It was a rapid thing. This is kind of why I have a hard time figuring how to talk about it all.

Towards the end of the night, I had made some majour shifts and was meditating stoned in order to process my fear, appreciating the fear as reflecting my mysterious essence back to me in the smoke and mirrors, and connected with my higher self for guidance in my meditation. At some point, I opened my eyes, saw the Phoenix on my computer wallpaper (it is also my desktop background, the background for my phone, my tablets, my moniker on this site and others, etc. ALL AROUND ME) and then made more connections:

My love for violent s*** throughout my life, my dark sense of aesthetics, my taste in music, my choice of imagery (especially all the skull, death, phoenix and Grim Reaper imagery), my OTHER alias, which uses the surname Grimm (based off of a fictional character from my childhood character who was the Grim Reaper on a motorcycle. And no, it was NOT Ghost Rider, although I love him too) my obsession over my ex-friend who is this hot, sensual, dark, gothy, creative Scorpio chick (who REALLY embodies that archetype in a number of ways, and who I saw as reflecting stuff I wanted to embody within myself) my recent explorations of my shadow self, which are partially being guided by an ex-black wizard who calls themselves "Reaper" etc. etc.

I made the connections between all of that, and whatever buried trauma I was processing:

I am learning to surrender to the process of Death, so I can make room for creation. I am learning to let go of my attachments to make room for all that is. And there is only myself, reflected back to me within my infinite creations. Why get attached to any of them when I can make room for ALL of them?

That is one majour change I made that night.

It is what I am really focused on lately. I am tying up things, and I am letting go.