10-01-2018, 02:38 PM
Oh wow... sorry to bump an old thread, I hope to not be disturbing the energies too much. But I can't not reply, obviously, based upon the things that have been said and assumed about me. I hope maybe my uncensored point of view can also offer a bit more clarity on this situation.
Firstly, and foremost, I want to say that I am extremely glad for CA that he now has someone who loves him, supports him, and shows him a gentle mirror. He deserves it all. Thank you for working so hard to break through his barriers. I can't express my gratitude enough.
It may be hard to believe (but maybe less so now that you've read more of his posts from the past...) but I love CA dearly and for a long time we were what I would consider close friends. I have spent much time in his energy, aching with him, feeling his despair. Was I perfect in every interaction with him? Of course not. I think you exemplified my point of view with this one exclamation:
This was the biggest struggle. I treated CA as an intellectual and spiritual equal, not a broken toy who needed to be handled with kid gloves. It is probably on me for not showing him more compassion in his struggle. I have been able to glorify and accept my struggle - I shouldn't always project that upon others. CA is smart, he has done a lot of work in consciousness and he understands these concepts at a core level. The Ra material speaks of those who become overeager to polarize and in the end, do energetic damage to themselves. I'm not certain this is what happened with CA, but he fits the profile. I think he, as many others, saw this material as a means to escape and transcend human suffering, the immense human suffering he has experienced in his life. The problem is, that is not what this material is for. This material is for embracing the path of suffering, for recognizing one's role as a Brother and Sister of Sorrow. I know this is dark, and it's not everyone's favorite way of interpreting this philosophy. But for me, this is the core: To accept catalyst and love it as a means of working on ourselves, and as a means of loving that which is deemed "unlovable". We are constantly increasing and testing our ability to love, even that which is dark, and most especially but most difficult to forgive and accept, those extremely dark parts within ourselves. This is how we transcend suffering: To accept even suffering as the love of the Creator, and therefore, see and grasp all catalyst and experience as love, regardless.
I tried various voices, tones, and methods of communication with him. Things would be going well, I would think we would be on the same wavelength, and then something would happen where he would lash out at me for reasons I was unable to perceive in the moment. I tried my best (and maybe failed a few times) to not lash back out at him. However, I was always firm in my beliefs without giving too much leeway and I think this is what shook him the most.
There has been a lot of discussion in this thread about what is the moderator's role for creating the proper culture on this forum. And let me tell you, this is constant catalyst to struggle with, for me and I am also guessing the other two moderators. As mentioned before, banning is not the answer - in fact, banning just encourages those who want to cause trouble to take a different persona and try to be more subtle in their next "incarnation". We delete posts that are obviously breaking the rules. With some regularity, these posts have been about me, so it becomes this horrible catch-22 where people accuse us of being "biased", but then also, people will seek out the moderators to attack because they know it will cause problems no matter what the action is taken. It is not black and white. There is so much subtle nuance that usually it involves getting to a place of "acceptance" more than anything else. I encourage anyone who sees something that they think is energetically questionable to hit the "report" button - the moderators open up a line of dialogue for every such post. Action may not always be taken, but it's always easier to feel right in that action if it wasn't just one of us "in charge" who felt something was off. Feedback from others is extremely important in this role.
Ironically to the theme of this thread, I feel like the conversations where I most upset CA were conversations that were topics that were influenced by his "Turkish friend". These forums are about 10% female, 90% male, to my best estimation - and a lot of posters here spent a good portion of their formative years on 4-chan or other similarly insular echo chambers. There is a lot of misogyny and toxic masculinity that is posted to this forum, and as a moderator and a female, I have felt like it was my role to speak up against some of the more abhorrent things that have been said. This might be a key place where CA felt a lack of acceptance from me, but also, a lot of confusion in himself based around sexuality and identity, which I truly understand and try to empathize with. I'm not just some angry feminist with an agenda. I want to see these energies balanced in an appropriate way. Hopefully you can see that by the attempts I also made with this thread: https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=14270
I appreciate Aion posting the links to the other threads, I think it helps give a lot more context to CA's interactions here on this forum. I don't mean to draw specific attention to what he said to me, but I think it is important:
From my perception of what happened here, he begged me to make an energetic agreement with him to not enable him, and even more specifically, to call him out when his thinking was faulty, and I attempted to keep up with that end of the bargain. Obviously, things deteriorated from there, but I can tell you with sincerity and honesty that I only ever did what I felt was the best and most loving in the moment while dealing with CA. I understand he has a lot of issues with "female authority" (rightly so, being so thoroughly abused by his mother) and this also colored our interactions starkly. I could see when this was a triggering mechanism for him, but there wasn't much I could do about that. I just did my best to not embody that energy - having also been thoroughly abused by my own mother, I sincerely hope that I don't carry that wound or energy forward. But, obviously, somewhere in my energetic make up, I do carry that trauma, and I think that was easy to react to for someone as sensitive as CA.
Anyway. I hope this can give just the slightest bit more context for energies you have been discussing here in this thread. I sincerely love CA and if there wasn't the request to energetically cease and desist, I would be praying for him in this moment and going forward as much as I can. Knowing you are there to care for him directly, One of Love, gives me hope in the eternal love of the Creator to attempt to reach those who reside in the deepest darkness. CA is a brilliant soul and I am sorry that I am not the one who could help save him, and in fact, maybe drove him to even more despair. I wish I could do something, in the now, to help. I also want to quickly mention here at the end that I NEVER spoke to CA directly about suicide or offered any "suggestions" or the like for these things, if you were assuming that maybe I played that role. I am a bit shocked that someone here would do something like that. Suicide is not supported by the Law of One philosophy - in fact, it's taught that if you commit suicide, you're just gonna come back and face the same catalyst, so you might as well figure out how to deal with it in the now instead of starting over and again letting our child selves get tortured into an energetic configuration that is conducive to our soul's growth. So, the idea that someone who engages this philosophy would say that killing yourself somewhere beautiful is more desirable than killing yourself in a car shows a great misunderstanding of some very basic core ideas. I'm very sorry that someone planted those seeds.
CA, if you are reading this at all, I am still here for you, I forgive you and I hope you can forgive me. We may never be perfect, but we can still be here for each other, and still be friends in love. You are an important part of the energetic configuration of the All and I am grateful for your presence on our planet at this time, and for your presence in my life experience as well. We still have much to learn from this "game", - I'm not going to call it a 'dark game', even though the darkness is an integral part of the game - it's just a poker hand where we must keep secrets from each other, and the dealer must also keep secrets from us. Eventually, all the cards are exposed and the game is over, and nothing exists but light and awareness. At this point we often like to hit the reset button and start a new save, because - what fun it can be to play this game with each other, to offer surprises and new awareness, and new interactions in relationships. Everything I have learned in this incarnation has been through my interaction with other selves - most of it bad, indeed. But those good moments of love and harmony... to me, make all of the bad feelings and interactions of the past worth it, because through that pain I have learned to love even more thoroughly, with more intensity. I truly love you to the core of our being, and I wish to reach out again and again to offer you healing if you seek that from me on any level.
Firstly, and foremost, I want to say that I am extremely glad for CA that he now has someone who loves him, supports him, and shows him a gentle mirror. He deserves it all. Thank you for working so hard to break through his barriers. I can't express my gratitude enough.
It may be hard to believe (but maybe less so now that you've read more of his posts from the past...) but I love CA dearly and for a long time we were what I would consider close friends. I have spent much time in his energy, aching with him, feeling his despair. Was I perfect in every interaction with him? Of course not. I think you exemplified my point of view with this one exclamation:
Quote:I'm 100% absolutely certain now something extremely bad is going on with him, to have all the keys to the questions and answers yet to be unable to see them anymore... It's like something has cast a spell on him trapping him in his own horrible thoughts and he's circling the drain.
Dammit. How do you handle that?
This was the biggest struggle. I treated CA as an intellectual and spiritual equal, not a broken toy who needed to be handled with kid gloves. It is probably on me for not showing him more compassion in his struggle. I have been able to glorify and accept my struggle - I shouldn't always project that upon others. CA is smart, he has done a lot of work in consciousness and he understands these concepts at a core level. The Ra material speaks of those who become overeager to polarize and in the end, do energetic damage to themselves. I'm not certain this is what happened with CA, but he fits the profile. I think he, as many others, saw this material as a means to escape and transcend human suffering, the immense human suffering he has experienced in his life. The problem is, that is not what this material is for. This material is for embracing the path of suffering, for recognizing one's role as a Brother and Sister of Sorrow. I know this is dark, and it's not everyone's favorite way of interpreting this philosophy. But for me, this is the core: To accept catalyst and love it as a means of working on ourselves, and as a means of loving that which is deemed "unlovable". We are constantly increasing and testing our ability to love, even that which is dark, and most especially but most difficult to forgive and accept, those extremely dark parts within ourselves. This is how we transcend suffering: To accept even suffering as the love of the Creator, and therefore, see and grasp all catalyst and experience as love, regardless.
I tried various voices, tones, and methods of communication with him. Things would be going well, I would think we would be on the same wavelength, and then something would happen where he would lash out at me for reasons I was unable to perceive in the moment. I tried my best (and maybe failed a few times) to not lash back out at him. However, I was always firm in my beliefs without giving too much leeway and I think this is what shook him the most.
There has been a lot of discussion in this thread about what is the moderator's role for creating the proper culture on this forum. And let me tell you, this is constant catalyst to struggle with, for me and I am also guessing the other two moderators. As mentioned before, banning is not the answer - in fact, banning just encourages those who want to cause trouble to take a different persona and try to be more subtle in their next "incarnation". We delete posts that are obviously breaking the rules. With some regularity, these posts have been about me, so it becomes this horrible catch-22 where people accuse us of being "biased", but then also, people will seek out the moderators to attack because they know it will cause problems no matter what the action is taken. It is not black and white. There is so much subtle nuance that usually it involves getting to a place of "acceptance" more than anything else. I encourage anyone who sees something that they think is energetically questionable to hit the "report" button - the moderators open up a line of dialogue for every such post. Action may not always be taken, but it's always easier to feel right in that action if it wasn't just one of us "in charge" who felt something was off. Feedback from others is extremely important in this role.
Ironically to the theme of this thread, I feel like the conversations where I most upset CA were conversations that were topics that were influenced by his "Turkish friend". These forums are about 10% female, 90% male, to my best estimation - and a lot of posters here spent a good portion of their formative years on 4-chan or other similarly insular echo chambers. There is a lot of misogyny and toxic masculinity that is posted to this forum, and as a moderator and a female, I have felt like it was my role to speak up against some of the more abhorrent things that have been said. This might be a key place where CA felt a lack of acceptance from me, but also, a lot of confusion in himself based around sexuality and identity, which I truly understand and try to empathize with. I'm not just some angry feminist with an agenda. I want to see these energies balanced in an appropriate way. Hopefully you can see that by the attempts I also made with this thread: https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=14270
I appreciate Aion posting the links to the other threads, I think it helps give a lot more context to CA's interactions here on this forum. I don't mean to draw specific attention to what he said to me, but I think it is important:
Quote:Jade, again and again we meet with each other's words being twisted by each other, I originally mistook this as you gaslighting me. It was an inappropriate judgment upon you as I now see we really just have natural areas of misunderstanding one another. I don't know what that means, but I do know it is not fair to use this misunderstanding as an excuse to attack you It was vastly inappropriate. In my view, I see that you too meet pretty much everything with a very unique style that both enlightens me, and makes me jealous. This jealousy was used by me to assault not just you, but your character. I said some extremely hurtful things to you that cannot be undone. I won't try to mask myself...I was jealous of the love you gave, I wanted it. I wanted someone to speak to me with that kindness and beauty that helps your words speak to the heart and not just the ego, but more, I wanted to be able to speak as you, to be as useful as you. In my lashing out, I feel I threw a wedge between a person who was capable of helping me help myself. I would even call my final interactions with you as coming from an evil place within myself. I don't expect forgiveness, I just want you to know that I regret my actions, my words, and I want to apologize for them even if such an apology pales to the extreme madness I subjected you to. I am sorry, please do not ever let me do that to you or anyone else.
I am asking you, who is a moderator, shut me down if I lose myself like that again, ban me, discipline me, do something. Please, please, do not let me hurt this community again.
From my perception of what happened here, he begged me to make an energetic agreement with him to not enable him, and even more specifically, to call him out when his thinking was faulty, and I attempted to keep up with that end of the bargain. Obviously, things deteriorated from there, but I can tell you with sincerity and honesty that I only ever did what I felt was the best and most loving in the moment while dealing with CA. I understand he has a lot of issues with "female authority" (rightly so, being so thoroughly abused by his mother) and this also colored our interactions starkly. I could see when this was a triggering mechanism for him, but there wasn't much I could do about that. I just did my best to not embody that energy - having also been thoroughly abused by my own mother, I sincerely hope that I don't carry that wound or energy forward. But, obviously, somewhere in my energetic make up, I do carry that trauma, and I think that was easy to react to for someone as sensitive as CA.
Anyway. I hope this can give just the slightest bit more context for energies you have been discussing here in this thread. I sincerely love CA and if there wasn't the request to energetically cease and desist, I would be praying for him in this moment and going forward as much as I can. Knowing you are there to care for him directly, One of Love, gives me hope in the eternal love of the Creator to attempt to reach those who reside in the deepest darkness. CA is a brilliant soul and I am sorry that I am not the one who could help save him, and in fact, maybe drove him to even more despair. I wish I could do something, in the now, to help. I also want to quickly mention here at the end that I NEVER spoke to CA directly about suicide or offered any "suggestions" or the like for these things, if you were assuming that maybe I played that role. I am a bit shocked that someone here would do something like that. Suicide is not supported by the Law of One philosophy - in fact, it's taught that if you commit suicide, you're just gonna come back and face the same catalyst, so you might as well figure out how to deal with it in the now instead of starting over and again letting our child selves get tortured into an energetic configuration that is conducive to our soul's growth. So, the idea that someone who engages this philosophy would say that killing yourself somewhere beautiful is more desirable than killing yourself in a car shows a great misunderstanding of some very basic core ideas. I'm very sorry that someone planted those seeds.
CA, if you are reading this at all, I am still here for you, I forgive you and I hope you can forgive me. We may never be perfect, but we can still be here for each other, and still be friends in love. You are an important part of the energetic configuration of the All and I am grateful for your presence on our planet at this time, and for your presence in my life experience as well. We still have much to learn from this "game", - I'm not going to call it a 'dark game', even though the darkness is an integral part of the game - it's just a poker hand where we must keep secrets from each other, and the dealer must also keep secrets from us. Eventually, all the cards are exposed and the game is over, and nothing exists but light and awareness. At this point we often like to hit the reset button and start a new save, because - what fun it can be to play this game with each other, to offer surprises and new awareness, and new interactions in relationships. Everything I have learned in this incarnation has been through my interaction with other selves - most of it bad, indeed. But those good moments of love and harmony... to me, make all of the bad feelings and interactions of the past worth it, because through that pain I have learned to love even more thoroughly, with more intensity. I truly love you to the core of our being, and I wish to reach out again and again to offer you healing if you seek that from me on any level.
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