A story I didn't want to share.

[Aion]

Uh oh!  Ding ding, my BS Meter went off!

A quick Google search revealed that Himmler was one of the directly responsible individuals in pushing the holocaust forward.  Who exactly is was he benefiting with by endorsing and perpetuating their torture and slaughter?  I mean I'm literally laughing, in disgust.  This is a prime example of something having gone wrong with this material, to think it'd crop up in front of me so fast.  It's a farce, tricky tricky,

If you could offer some kind of editorial on your thought processes that brought you to believe service to self = service to others depending on circumstances.  I mean as far as I am aware, the laws of nature including the metaphysical laws are not flexible and mutable.  If the mechanics aren't going to flipflop for us, why would polarity?

Even Ra broke the Law of Confusion and incurred a polarity lose.  Yet they did so while helping someone, does their selfless acts of breaking the law come from a selfish place and if so, why?  To be honest I have had misinformative dreams of this material, I dreamed I read about some kind of pyramid sun meditation, but rereading I found no mention of it.  I also have a weird memory of recalling Ra saying they were something with polarity, outside?  Above?  Somehow detached from it despite being attached to it?  Even CA recalls this memory but neither of us could find it in the Material.  What's up with that?

Very tricky stuff here.  The mental illusions (like an optical illusion but on the mind itself) that have already shown up are interesting.  I like puzzles and all but this is more like a book of puzzles.  Don't mind if I crack it open, but beware, I like to read.

In fact, I'm actually enjoying his journal, he has a real life one that's personal that he won't let ANYONE read, but uhm, I might have sneaked a look.  Through it all!  But his handwriting made it kind of a rough read and you can tell when his hand gets tired cause his writing gets even worse lol, seemed to shorten things up compared to THAT journal.  You put that guy in front of a piece of paper or a keyboard with a blank document and you've given a magician his wand.


Hmm.  I especially like the 'Ra is pure truth'.  I kind of feel that's wrong because Ra's pure truth is illogically and factually wrong in areas.  I guess your idea of pure is some weird dualistic view of im/pure if I were to guess off of what you've provided me so far, it seems the impure part got you more than the pure.

Honestly...  That's a pretty concerning view, and I won't lie when I say I feel some concern for your mental health.

I can see this material has an interesting following.

(how do you guys quote multiple people??)

@Aion
Hi big bad wolfie, I've found even the biggest baddest wolf is just lonely.  They are a pack animal after all.  I sense a lot of loneliness here.  And I don't feel what you've described with this egregore, but that may be my own biases filtering my perceptions.  I just feel that it is out of place and 'stuck' here.  I think it wants to go but something else has it.  Are there magical practitioners here because if so, there mere presence is like a light to a moth that can't help fly into it.  In fact if I were to actually allow it a viable connection beyond just surrounding me, I'd have to say I'd be damaged afterwards, this energy is not a flexible one...  It wants to reshape things to it's way.  Maybe that's an issue here as, no one wants to be forcefully shaped (...Uh, unless they do...I had a weird ex once who was way too into femdom...)  But I can say I don't appreciate your egregore for it's pushiness.  It feels like a troll trying to get under my skin lol, I wonder how many of those are lurking here.

For real, I do not see at all what you see, are you sure that egregore doesn't have some wool cast over your perception of it?  If it's been taught these things, it is a mindless entity following instincts of a metaphysical energetic nature (I didn't even know metaphysical beings had instincts.)  And what will the instincts be of selfish users vs selfless users?  Think of a kitten, it's instincts are to play and pounce to learn how to hunt.  What would an egregore do instinctually if it had darkness in it?  I can't judge darkness well so I'm a bit clueless, I just have feelings that intuitively inform me, and from the moment I began interacting here I have felt and observed some 'BS' happening in real time.  My phone for starters.  I got goosebumps and knew some kind of energy found me, but beyond that, I never allowed it in because I don't allow anything in until I'm certain, and I'm certain I won't be letting the egregore in.

In fact, you all should do something about it if you're aware of it.  Just because you think it's being manifested by you or this community doesn't change the fact it is colored from all the visitors who allowed it to touch them, awarefully or not.  I do not sense the love in it that is claimed to be there.  That means something.  I wonder if my witch friend could parse it.  She probably won't though, she doesn't like working with negative energy, she says it taints her body and she has to flush it out.

It's interesting to already see these things, this is a magical community huh.  Maybe that's why he was so adamant I stay away.  I mean for real,  he told me when I first began reeading the Law of One with him that the attached community and it's forum were not an appropriate place for real or pure seeking or real research.  But I mean, you guys are called L/L Research so I didn't understand how he meant that.  Still, I wasn't going to join but with him the way he is I didn't feel any other avenue worth exploring.


You guys should know he hasn't done well since he left.  He's honestly a wreck, and I think he actually missed people here but was too stubborn to admit it because he spoke very positively about some people here, Geminiwolf, Glow, Isis, but other people it seemed just thinking about them upset him.  I will admit one of those people was a moderator, never gave me a name but said 'she' so it's a female.  Dunno who the mods are but even when I find out who she is I don't intend to judge, just to have my guard up.  He told me that he felt her issues with him were justified by his conduct and didn't blame her for her demeanor towards him, but he said the real issue was with her 'attitude' in general towards certain things.  I can guess what that means.

He also said someone named SMC was a mixed bag of awesome with some of the greatest caring he ever witnessed, but warned me he should have never of argued with her lol, so I can just imagine where that came from.  Oh, and he said something about not thanking her when she deserved it regarding some discussion on free will, he regretted that.  I can't apologize for him, but if that user is reading this, just know you left overall a positive impression on him.  He wished he felt as you did, so he could talk to you more easily.

He only spoke so much though because inevitably he'd get upset.  Most of what I know about this place is from discussions we had when I'd smoke his brains out enough to where he could talk and just laugh about something else immediately.  Some of those discussions were pretty mind blowing.  I never thought that down is up because a sphere's geometry with gravity allowed for the bottom to host a sky the same way the top does, causing the sky to be down and up no matter where we stand.  The geometry of the sphere, he used to say was, and I literally quote he used the exact word 'sexy' to describe it.  No clue how a sphere's geometry is sexy lol...  Unless he meant the curves?  He does like curves...

I'm sorry.  I like talking about him.  I wish.  Ah.  It sucks he doesn't date.  I feel like he's my soul mate or something, it's not fair other's got to have him before me and messed him all up...  Like, he can't shower most days because his mom has the only working shower, but no matter how dirty his hair is you can run your fingers through it, it's so filled with volume, I'm jealous of his hair, his eyelashes.  I mean, he is an ass no doubt but he directs it to those he feels deserve it.  Beyond that he is, a, fucking, angel.  I have never met someone so thoughtful and loving, yet so destroyed inside.  It really feels like fate to me, and it feels like he's fighting it...  And I don't blame that of him having been around him enough to see how life seems to throw him curveballs no matter what.

The adage you get what you give forgot about him.  He gave so much love to all of his friends and tried so hard to love his family, only for them all to take and give nothing back.  It actually has me tearing up, it's just all wrong to watch.  It's like he designed his life to f*** him up, became aware of it, and proceeded to attack his own soul for it.  I would sum him up with the song Mr. Self Destruct from his favorite band.  He does build himself up, he looks for work, manages things, and then like a precisely timed occurrence, it all collapses on him.

I can't fathom why, I just can't piece his life together in a way that makes sense, I can SEE his hell.  I have WATCHED life literally turn into hell for him right before my eyes from out of nowhere.  I have and.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.  I don't know what to make sense of with it all.  He has the views he has for a reason, his life to him has been processed and observed, he's noted the patterns and he discovered how ruthless they were.

He gains three things and loses five.  He goes ten steps up and gets shoved down twenty.  My own life was rough but it had a consistent upside, his doesn't.  He is truly a sufferer of life.  He lurches from one suicide attempt to the next.  Did you guys know he's tried to kill himself literally over twenty times across his life?  And that's omitting the times when he didn't get things setup to follow through.  He knows he can call me whenever to talk, but I don't know if he will when the next time comes.

What really breaks my heart is this most recent time, only twice has he ever gotten into the car while it was running, the first time was in 2013, and he swears a spirit guide 'reminded him he wanted to play Watch Dogs' and he has admitted that because that was the thought that got him out of the car, he should've just stayed in it.  This time though the details I got were from his bestfriend who pretty much forcefully sat as a visitor to talk to him.

I just want to say, shame to whoever put this idea in his head.  He left a suicide note...Letter...  Novel...  No really it was a document on his laptop left open at home plugged in with the power settings set so the screen doesn't dim or shut after a while.  It was labeled '72nd Edition' and was literally a note dating back from his first suicide attempt, with an additional entry for every attempt he had after that.  Over 20 pages.

In it he mentioned someone from here gave him the idea to go to a peaceful place to avoid anyone he loved finding him, he didn't name 'her' but said she was one of the first people to talk to him here.  Shame to you.

He was on a hiking trail south of Sedona (or north?  I don't remember, sorry hard to take in information when you're crying), pretty much in his car with a hose running from the exhaust into the trunk into the cabin.  THANKFULLY his car had a catalytic converter on it because he was found barely conscious with vomit on him.  THANKFULLY he had his wallet and they could identify him and from there got his emergency contact info and called his mother.  Who informed his best friend.  Who was the only one to inform me.  When I visited him though...  He just yelled at me to get out, and apologized, then began crying.  And told me not to visit him, but I still did the next day.  Then the next and that's when he talked to me.

But the thing is I could hear in his voice that tone one makes when they're defeated.  He's been cold, doesn't smile.  I can't just leave him like that.  He's still angry, he's still so angry that he swears he'll spend eternity yelling at god for being a POS.

How.  Can you leave someone like that?  I don't know what to do either because he has the staff not allowing visitors now, I didn't even know you could ask that in a suicide watch.  You'd think they'd want the person to have visitors.  I mean he's supposed to be let out tomorrow (oh crap it's 2am????!!!!)

Long story short, I'm only here because I honestly am in love with him and I am desperate to find answers to help him.  Something.  Anything.  I have a friend who lost her best friend to cancer, and seeing how that destroyed her.  I selfishly admit, I don't want that to be me.  I don't want him to die because I want him.  Death can get in line.

Anyways, he's supposed to be let out in a couple of hours, and I intend to bring him back to my place, or to try anyways.  I don't even know what to say or do, I just want to start off with 'I love you' and then, 'Come live with me' or something.  I can't let him go back to live with his mom.  She has singlehandedly destroyed him internally.  My real concern is he seems to believe he will hurt anyone he's close to, and he has declined an offer to live with me in the past after we became really close friends and I can't fathom why.

I think he declined because he didn't want to burden me.  Which, honestly, I actually want that burden...  I don't mind supporting him, god knows his mother's support is more of a drain than invigorating.

Do you guys have any insights as to a way to persuade him?  I've heard that abused people instinctively form a strong bond with their abuser if it occurs over a long time as a defense mechanism.  He's had over 20 years since childhood being abused by her so I feel like I'm going to need to pull out a trump card or a low blow or something to get through to him.

I can really see and feel how much you care for him. I'm happy for that, cause he deserves that. Theatrics aside I did try to genuinely help him on a few occasions and I understand the sort of helplessness that can come with that. He is really a sensitive individual and I think very good hearted. I think that he really genuinely wanted to help people here as well and that he had idealized that this could be a haven of sorts for people who wanted to discuss the philosophy of unity but I think he had a very unique perspective which was difficult to reconcile with the feelings of others here.

I also want to help you although I can't say I exactly have any certain answers. To clarify I wasn't suggesting the egregore is some STS monster but rather I think there is all the colouring as you say. There have been many magical practitioners on the forum and I don't doubt there are some 'stuck' entities around.

I'm sorry to hear he's still having such troubles, I really did hope that after he left here he had found a more positive experience. My heart to yours I appreciate your vigilance in wanting to take care of him. He is a good person and my impression is that you are too.

Also I think the issue with 'doing' something about it is getting people on board with the idea that there is something that needs to be done.

As for getting through to him, I admit I don't know him well enough to really say what would affect him.