A story I didn't want to share.

[Aion]

I think you'll find some good support here. They've helped me through my darkest days.

He spoke nothing but kind words about you, especially with how true and actual you were to him, nice to meet you.

Okay, so, my last post was lost to my phone dying on me.  But I'm already convinced there's something going on here because my phone just permadied on me, won't charge or turn on, it's brand new...  Hopefully it's just bad tech but honestly that is unusual timing.

@Blossom;
So you're saying this place is more of a mixed bag of polarity?  Funny how much the darkness likes to pretend to be light.  Seems like there's already a presence here, and from the sounds of it, the custodians of this site and material don't seem too concerned.  Kind of matches up with what he told me, but I will still attempt to wait and see, though I have a feeling I have already begun to.

@Aion;
I was specifically warned about you, I've been told you've got a lot of internal experiences to properly disseminate, no idea what that's supposed to mean about you though, but it's interesting you speak of an egregore, it's funny to me because I recognized it as a bad energy floating over the place, and something is currently attempting to dissuade my progress here...  It kind of worries me that you didn't notice that about it.  My understanding of an egregore from one of my friend's aunt's was that it's a culmination of desires and intents from many beings wrapped into one 'conduit', never knew what she meant by conduit until I read the Law of One.  If the egregore is as you say, that is a direct reflection of the state of the collective that spawned it according to my own metaphysical common sense.  Other's might disagree but overall, my overall being is telling me there is something going on here, and something tells me you know more about it than you wish to let on.  I mean that not like you're purposefully holding back or being manipulative, but more like you're 'aware' of something without being properly aware of it.

Have you ever heard the story about the scorpion and the fox?  The scorpion wants to cross a river but needs the help of a fox, and asks the fox for help.  The fox says it won't because it'll sting him.  It reasoned with the fox that if it did that it too would drown.  So the fox agreed.  Halfway across the river the scorpion stung the fox, and crying out it said you too will drown, and the scorpion responds.  I couldn't help it.  It is my nature.

Your nature reminds me of the scorpion, you mean well but you aren't sure if you can withhold your true nature.  In a VERY FUNNY WAY, you remind me EXACTLY of my friend.  You struggle with your shadow, that darkness you think you've got under lock and key, it's the one in control, and just like him, you're in a passenger seat with a fake wheel believing yourself in control.

I'll tell you what I told him that helped.  If your true nature is truly darkness, then your best bet is to realize you need to open your eyes, and see it, rather than just observing it.  Be it, because that's who you truly are, and it can't be changed until you're at that level holding it by the hand telling it, this isn't the place, we must move forward, together.

I haven't looked at my darkness so I speak hypocritically for him here, but I'm pretty sure when the time comes to look at my darkness, I too will be just as moved as he was at what lies within.  And not necessarily in a good way.

Thanks for linking me that thread.  I'm gonna try to let my phone charge (assuming it's getting any charge at all) and peruse that thread.

You got me! Pinned right down to the point. Glad to see you are just as observant as he is. (Although I had a hunch I might have been one of the 'mentionables'.)

Shall I bandy about and pretend to be your friend for awhile or start the psychic attack henceforth?

I jest... or do I? DUN DUN DUN

No but really, I'm the big bad wolf.

It goes way back really, there was some interest earlier in the forum, around when I joined but maybe before then, in the 'STS' side of things. Some individuals were doing 'STS' magical and channeling work. It has coloured the egregore since. While an egregore is a culmination of the collective intent of the initiators it also is shaped in 'real-time' by the current collective environment and so while the egregore at the outset of the forum may have been relatively pure it has been 'tainted' by the influence of many different wills seeking through the forums and the entities called and followed by those individuals. Mind you, maybe my own presence has helped it persist.

The forum definitely needs some help. Every time I mentioned these things I am brushed off, just as C_A was, but I am a bit more persistent. It is true, I am a somewhat chaotic individual and I have made some mistakes, but my intent and hope is to set right the damage done, I just haven't quite figured out how yet. I have tried to be more 'open' about myself, but not sure to what effect.

There is some part of me feeding on this place and I think, as you say, part of me is not sorry for it. Another part feels I should be, but hey, can't fight my nature right? People here are just so eager to pour their energy out. Their hurts and their pains, their joys and their fears and it all just swirls in to a big morass. I've tried just staying away. I deleted my account for quite awhile, but alas, here I am returned. Help an old vampyre out, will ya?

Sorry, I can't even tell anymore when I'm being sarcastic or not, you'll have to interpret that yourself. Like you said, I mean no harm, but my fiance also says I have a highly destructive nature unintentionally so there must be a fair amount of truth to it. I think I just like the chaos a tad too much.