Lotsa Questions

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I was not referring to a person being overall completely unconscious.
I meant, the "trigger" would bring up echoes of the traumatic experience as well as activate the "defense mechanism".
This would render one unconscious for as long as the situation lasts and until one has " recovered"
For example, when your in a rage, it would indicate that you re unconscious in THAT moment, not neessarily your whole life!
Our degree of being present or conscious usually greatly varies. Very present now, completely unconscious then next moment.
That was what i was refering to. I was trying to make you understand the mechanisms of trauma and how unconscious patterns develop and why (because of the emotional charge) itwould be so hard to stay presentwhen they arise.
It was meant to be an aid in betterunderstanding and being able to self-forgive.

My eyes uncovered, I understand what you mean now!  I totally can agree with this!

I think its not possible to access trauma just by will.
It took me more than two decades of therapy, meditation, conscious spiritual development and more to step by step come to this point.
It started at the surface. Examining the emotions in certain difficult situations. I would gradually find deeper roots, and each time it would arise newly, i got a little bit deeper. Over the decades i've come to the point i described and found these were the roots.
Each time, however, that i got a little bit deeper, i found iteasier to stay conscious, when those feelings would arise.
So, itis a very long process. One will need rest inbetween to develop stability, to gain trust and to find a new base for living one s life.
As i said, it is not to be expected to "access" this right now. My hope was simply, that the "process" and the factors involved would be more understandable, my further hope was it would help (because that knowing helped me to stay a little more conscious in these times) you being more present in those situations (because you can see at least to a certain degree that you re actually dealing witholdpain and old patterns), and my biggesthope was, to show, you justhad no other choice facing these emotions and would be able to forgive yourself.

Back in 2014, I consider myself extremely lucky to have experienced a 'full spiritual awakening'...  During those days I documented many things in a journal that reading back now looks like a jumble of insanity, yet I can see in it the Love I felt, it had no rational the way my intellectual mind operates, it was just...  A better way of being than I am now.

When I read a lot of stuff Plenum talks about, or others regards the experiences and sensations acquired during their times in their spiritual journeys, I find, as I just did with your statement, that I have felt and discovered many of the things already described to me.  In italics above it another tidbit that I've personally experienced.  Except for me this plethora of roots came to a sort of energetic center of negativity, I called it a 'horrorcore' back then, but now view it more as an engine of energies that I need to dismantle over what I know is going to take years.  To this day, I scratch the surface of this negative energy engine I have going on inside of me...  I peaked inside of it once and saw that darkness looks back, and only you change.

In truth I looked down the rabbit hole deeper and deeper, it warped my mind, my time spent here and all the self debauchery I was putting myself through being unable to connect or share myself with others the way I wish and desire to do so.  I found many things during my time of dark exploration.  I discovered we all do have truly any capability within us.  I'm apparently not that far away from a manifest serial killer, no wonder the show Dexter's main character, serial killer Dexter, resonated so painfully deep for me.  I talked to that dark part of my shadow self one time.  It vowed to murder me if it ever had the chance.

So I'm...Partially experienced in exploring such things, especially through the lower courtyard of the green ray...  I'm also used to walking up to the darkest parts of my psyche and foolishly introducing myself.  Not every part of my subconscious likes me, some parts want to kill me.  Might explain the suicidal desires.

I find the lower chakra work to be crucial, since otherwise the heart cant open and accessing "higher energies" would just magnify all difficulties.
I came to the conclusion, that the blockages are ultimately undissolved trauma and the resulting mechanisms.
Its probably a life long mission to unblock and resolve this.
I also found, that unprocessed experiences from other lifetimes would be re-actualized in this lifetime (by the means of traumatic experiences) so one would be provided with all "material" necessary.

The italicized is a massive understatement.  In my experience as I did exactly that accidentally as I searched for a way to perform the concepts in question from a purely contemplative template (without meditation, HINT: IT DOESN'T WORK, DON'T NOT MEDITATE), I find that everything, everything, was like a ball of hooks, and I was covered in my own hooks.  Everything took me for a spin, I lost my mind from normal life from suddenly being unable to ignore something as simple as the sound of someone hammering down my street.  Every little thing appreciated became overwhelmingly obvious in a negative sense of causing annoyance one way or another.

Suddenly I went from being in heaven to hell.  Every little thing I once loved and felt accosted by suddenly became painfully separate.

This was most vivid when I had to force myself to eat anything at all, believing my consuming a fruit was hurting it.  The distortions possible from doing work in the higher chakras without proper maintenance to the lower chakras CANNOT BE UNDERSTATED, everything from stepping into a perception of living in hell to actually acquiring severe mental illnesses, to every day mundane activities becoming too intense to handle.  Go water the plants, you think you're drowning them.  Go enjoy a tree, become painfully aware of it's removed limbs and feel it's pain.  Sit with a cup of tea, drink it and enjoy, only to realize you're sipping dead tree skin juice.

Reality can become sick and twisted even in a light of love.  Over empathizing can create delusions.  Too much compassion can blind you.  You're absolutely right that discovering and developing a stability is helpful.  For me presently, and this might change soon, stability comes at consciously not overly polarizing.  I've got this great big ol ocean of Love sitting alongside this infinite well of hatred, I'm pretty sure an ocean can engulf a well even if it's infinite, doesn't mean the well won't one day fill up an ocean, but if that ocean finds a way to plug the well before that happens, it doesn't matter, love prevails.

My problem is I give love like it's candy, want some love?  Here you go!  Want some love?  Here you are! Look, some love!

DID SOMEONE SAY FREE STUFF LOVE??


Love for YOU, Love for YOU, EVERYONE GETS LOOOOOOVVVEE!!

So like I know I seem dark and moody, and in a lot of ways I actually am, no clue why I am, I don't know myself like I did back in 2014, but I'm sure I just resonate with the 'spooky' sides of reality and their misunderstoodness, such as negative polarity, although it's hard to understand some of the actions of extreme sts polarized acts, but in the light of a Wisdom/Love orientation, they become a bit less hard to accept.

Still hard though.

I can't say I disagree at all with you so far.  My experience matches what you've said, I however greatly wonder what lessons belong to my past lives...

I don't know why, but I badly want to know about my past lives lately for some reason, I feel like answers lie therein...

Also, i dont advertise the ego being demonized. The ego is a sacred "institution" that serves an evolunionary purpose.
Many parts of the ego simply are necessary, at least for some time.
Every part of the ego thatis notneeded anymore will dissolve anyway.
I am just saying to not put the ego in thesriver's seat all thetime

My experience back in 2014 was, to me, an experience of soul self shining through unhindered due to the ego falling away like a flower petal moves down to reveal the nectar in the bud.  During that time I can say without a doubt, heaven exists in Earth, Love IS all around us all the time, everywhere, it's hidden in plain sight, it's before our very eyes, it's in us, around us, as us, and we don't even know.  We don't know that the fabric of space is love, the plenum surrounding us is love, the time about us is love, the moment is love.  Just, Love.  Everything became Love, and in that, you recognize 3D to be a rather dark place metaphysically speaking in terms of the purity of love.  Truly this place is quite an experience for a soul...I imagine the human design might even act as a dampener of the severe impact it might have on some souls to be accosted with the sleeping behaviors of their fellow incarnatees.

But alas, as my ego shed like a flower petal, it eventually came back, and made it very clear it did not appreciate being put to death, so to speak.

Made me know, next time I do something like that, I need to take it with me, rather than leave it behind.  I was given a spiritual awakening, and now I have a somewhat decently clear compass and map and even a sextant for polarity's sake, yet the human condition is palpable and dense.  It's easy to just be lazy and give up in spiritual matters sometimes.  I am...Words cannot describe, beyond grateful for those experiences back across 2014.  I have from it a template for the rest of my life.  Whatever happened to me back then, I thank myself not enough for it.

I tried even, tried to document the occurrences, tried to document what I did to achieve these sensations, and it all fails to explain, fails to describe, fails to depict.  It is not something to be recorded and repeated, it is purely, wholly, unique.  Things like objective and subjective became the same with subtle differentiations of subjective objectivity and objective subjectivity, everything was through its manners of illusive division belonging to love and one another.

I understood things back then that I couldn't properly document, to try and speak of these things now...I feel like a fool, a hypocrite, like I'm not cut out for such discussion.

And, no, i dont think we have to be "superhuman", overcoming our "human-ness". But if one is, for example, beating up ones wife, thatwould surely be an ego facet worth healingand dissolving, i think you get the point.

If one's beating up their wife that's more than an ego facet to be healed, that's a karmic lesson being accrued.  Unless that person can forgive themselves for what they did, I doubt any amount of healing work would dissolve that facet.

Actually, I think it's not right to view the concepts of 'ego death' as an ascension, transcendence, dissolution, or dissolvement of the human ego.  My experience was purely beautiful, there was no death, it was deactivation, it wasn't distilling or dissolving, those belong to the processes leading up to the lessening of the need for the lessons of the ego.  The act of ego deactivation isn't so much deactivating either.

I...See...Saw it in my mind as a flower blooming from it's unbloomed bud state.  The petals are facets of the ego, the nectar inside is the sweet honey of love to be shined into the world by the petals blooming.  For the petals to bloom and fall downward is synonymous with the ego humbly bowing so that it may make way for something it too desired.  Once this something has made it's way, the ego will sternly stand back up, and like the flower petal rising and returning to a budding state, the nectar covered again, the ego reasserts its self.  I've heard sometimes it reasserts itself gently and compassionately slowly returning to lower vibrations, I personally experienced my ego having jealousy towards the whole experience, not being able to be as fulfilling as it's soul reflection was disturbing.  As was realizations like the body is a machine for the soul, and the yellow ray personality shell that makes up us as a human identity does deactivate in death, in essence making death in a sense a true end to the human identity, it's being living on inside of our consciousness, but not as our consciousness because we as human's already are as consciousness, just in human form.

But truly, abusing a spouse would accrue karma in my mind.  It'd require some form of working off beyond a simple polarization of self forgiveness, even if that working off were as simple as consciously choosing never to hit your spouse again, and making this up to her and regaining her trust if possible, and if not, simply learning from your mistake.

Though I think karma is less needing to suffer an experience as much as needing to be held to forgiving an experience.  In this instance, forgiving the self for hitting the spouse, and learning from that forgiveness why not to do that, and choosing not to do that the next time the potential to manifest such behavior comes round.

To clarify the example withthetwo year old:
The two year old would suffer from the pain the same way we would.
With dissociation i mean, it would seperate from the experience and suddenly stop feeling anything. Then the emotions as well as the very memory are usually being forgotten.
Btw, this dissociation , this state of non-feeling, is also a common state for many adults...easy to see what the possible roots of such a pattern would be...
When and if the point is reached where onere-experiences this traumatic situation, it would not be a memory,youwould be inthatsituation right now, thats what i meant with existing in time/space.
To the "experiencing consciously"
The two year old would feel the pain very much the same as we would, itwould only be even harder for him or her.
With consciously experiencing i meant, being completely present with the emotions, holding that awareness and the inner light, holding the energy until it subsides.
And with the "solution of a two year old" i meant, he would not have much life experince and simply not be "clever" enough to come up with a well-differenciated one-size-fits-it-all solution, and the "pattern" would be subconscious. Soone cannot "refine" it.
An example would be, a child is being hurt very badly maybe emotionally and/or physically by the parents.
The solution could be:
Someone being close while heart is open > much pain > close heart > pain reduced > solution to avoid re-occurence > never let someone close again
This would then be a solution, which would be necessary to survive. But twenty years later the situation would be different. You would be able to guard yourself emotionally and physically better and wouldnt need such a strong defense pattern.

The pattern however would be subconscious and it would lead to a life where you cannot even allow a close relationship.
Many people on a conscious level wish for a deep intimate relationship, the even try affirmations and stuff.
But it just dont happen. And they wouldnt even know why.
It would be (in this case) the pain-avoidance solution of a two year old and one wouldbe completely unaware of it.

This clarification hurts in that I recognize that example within myself...  and I don't know how to respond because of it...  I'll just say thank you, this opens my eyes...

(Btw, this is one of the reasons i think affirmations are quite useless, as long as the root of the situation is not discovered. One would try to "beat" a pattern, whichhas a very good reason AND has an incredible emotional energy behind it with some "whimpy" half-hearted affirmations, ignoring the fact that there is a necessity to the pattern or situation, at least for thatpart of us, who created it)

I find it's not the affirmation itself that does anything, but the psychological nudge it induces over time.  The affirmation can be a good conscious reminder for those of short attention span.  It's nudge will resoundingly effect a person if they are taken seriously and performed habitually daily.

I'm a HUGE PROPONENT of the study that found habits form and break over 21 days of daily performance.  It took me around 22 days of consistently polarizing for momentum to take over and for the entire need to choose to become almost a second nature choice towards sto.  From there I can't recall the months that flew by through the love I felt, it all happened so...Slowly and vividly, yet so fast!  One month became six months.  Then another four flew by, then things began to slow down, I stopped meditating around then in an attempt to see if the same experiences could be had from a purely contemplative configuration without meditation.

I'm still recovering from the psychological distress that came with trying that...  NOTE TO SELF, DON'T do Work in Consciousness WITHOUT meditating! lol

I hope, this clarifies a little!

It clarified things a lottle!