Lotsa Questions

[Agua del Cielo]

I insist in calling it unconscious
You may hate me now

The reason being, and I think this is crucial:

Let me tell you about trauma.
And please apologize, if i perceive you wrong.
And please apologize, if it sounds arrogant or so.

You know that word for sure. You have an image and more of it.
From what i gathered in your post, you had your fair share of traumatic experiences.
So you think you know what trauma is.
I honestly believe you dont.

I think, you have a good memory of what happened. Maybe when and how and with whom.
You probably still have very negative feelings about it.
And you can clearly see the impact and the consequences this had for your life.
But i would say, these emotions are only a weak echoes of the original trauma.

Please apologize, if you know this.
In a traumatic situation, you make an experience, which has a negative energy that is so overwhelming, so ultimately strong, you would not be able to survive this energy physically, let alone with mental sanity.
You immediately dissociate from the energy and the very incident, usually forgetting it for the most part or even completely. The energy and the incredible impact of emotions will be forgotten in any case.
One might maybe rember some fragments, not more.
You will most likely be a child, lets just say two years old. You will have to find a solution very fast, otherwise you will die. A two year old child has to make a decision.
It will dissociate and immediately "install" a defensive strategy. It will be the strategy of a two year old child.
Each time some outer situation (catalyst) has any kind of connection to the traumatic situation, a similar or common element, you will be (unconsciously) reminded of the traumatic situation.

The trauma does not exist in your past. It exists in time/space. It exists now. To a part of you it is happening now. And each time there is a trigger, you will make a connection to the trauma state.
You will not experience the full impact of the (old) emotion, but a part of it.
Your defensive mechanism will immediately be activated, because for the trauma-part it would be a question of life or death.
Your defensive mechanism might be anger, rage. Or whatever.
But the unconscious drive to the defense reaction would be enormously strong.

Unless you have enough consciousness to fully consciously access that trauma state, fully experience these emotions, there will always be an emotional residue. This will always render you unconscious, at least to a degree.
I think there is no way around it.

You might as well accept, that there will be times, when you re just being unavoidably umconscious, unless you re completely healed. And you will make mistakes.
Even i do sometimes i remember i made a mistake back in the nineties ...

Once you experienced what i described above, you will completely understand, why you have defense mechanisms and why they are just as they are.
And you will have understanding and compassion for that child in a lifethreatening situation and had to make the decision it made.
Because you dont see this, i thought you probably havent experienced this, thats why i wrote about it.
Please forgive, if i was wrong.

Your life situation seems to be extremely challenging at the moment, and i surely cant tell what is the main issue.
Since this whole monster, apology and self-forgiveness stuff seems to arise very often in your posts, this might as well be the cause for it.
You have nothing to lose if you try it.
And if self-punishment stops, your outer life might as well change, since there would be no more need for punishment.

My life was quite similar to yours some time ago. I have done loads of healing work and work in consciousness. Im fourty six now, and i still struggle, i still will fall into deep unconsciousness, i still suffer, i still find unforgiveness in me. And i still find im an idiot and the rest of the world also.
But most of the time my life is a big adventure, a fascinating journey and discovery. You can work your way out there and im sure you will.
With love and compassion and an idiots smile, dear brother, all the best

Ah, one more thing.
I think its surely necessary to dissolve old and present suffering, there is only one way : through
But its unwise to create ever more suffering which you then would have to work through.
Self-attack would be an unwise creation of unnecessary suffering...