Lotsa Questions

[Minyatur]

Min, I wish to share to you some mostly disjointed lyrics of a song called Thoughtless

"Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies, pushing all the mercy down, down, down. [...] All of my hate cannot be bound, I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming"

For me I sometimes feel the thoughtless mind is the most dangerous one in regards to scheming.  I find that where others tell me to sit with my anger, they are asking me to sit in the fire and self immolate myself.  I have tried, but I'm unable to do so, mostly because I cannot handle it.

I equate this to being unable to sit in the eye of the storm due to its severe intensity around the core, I can't penetrate it into the stillness at the center.

That's a bit why I suggest calming meditations with the intent to lower the intensity of your vibration so you don't self immolate yourself in this work.

I find this a failure on my part, but forgive myself as I view that my anger is a...Lifelongterm obstacle to be distilled.  I might even make the assumption that failing to come to peace with this anger will alone signify a failure to distill a primal experience necessary for harvest.

And how is anger distilled? To me this is done through finding the root of anger which is not anger.

I will try to stop reinforcing my perceptions of myself I feel I need to bring to the surface to work on.  I just find surfacing the emotion is easier when I apply them to my identity.  Just remember, here on Earth we are mostly activated as entities of Earth, not so much Entities of Infinity.  In regards in 5.2 when Don asks Ra for aid in becoming healers, they mention in their response

It is not for a being of polarity in the physical consciousness to pick and choose among attributes

, I see this as applying to healing, and in that light it can be applied to the internal healing process.  I am not picking to be the things I call myself, I see they simply are.

This is essentially why I said the present moment is always the moment to empower yourself above your biases. You can't pick what biases you have cumulated so far, but you can make choices on how the direction you wish to pursue from those biases.

Contemplate this quote in relation to the one you shared :

75.35 Questioner: May anyone in third density accomplish some degree of healing if they have the proper will, desire, and polarity, or is there a minimal balance of the energy centers of the healer that is also necessary?
Ra: I am Ra. Any entity may at any time instantaneously clear and balance its energy centers. Thus in many cases those normally quite blocked, weakened, and distorted may, through love and strength of will, become healers momentarily. To be a healer by nature one must indeed train its self in the disciplines of the personality.

The disciplines of the personality are essentially to transcend these attributes/limitations which you did not choose in your conscious awareness. You can consider them as the matrix of mind, body and spirit.

When I call myself a failure, or a monster, it is because I have observed these things to be true.  I am also a successful person and a lover in other areas, but these feelings I do not think need be worked upon like those of 'failure' and 'monster', so I do not attempt to surface them upon my merely intellectual consciousness, but to hold them there to get processed down into the subconscious in a different manner, to approach them subconsciously at a consciously differently aimed perspective.

Here I'd say that you need to understand that your entire concept of perceiving yourself as a failure or a monster are a confused and hurt analysis of yourself.

For instance, depression and suicide are major emotions I have felt my entire life, I felt these before I even knew that the other thing I felt was anger.  Yet these three things, sadness, madness, and hopelessness, have since then been cultivated into these extreme feelings of depression, hatred, and suicidal tendencies.

Do you see how this is the salvation of the perception of a monster? You entire ability to have felt depression and desire of suicide are the root of goodness, there is no good without a core of vulnerability and a potential for it to become twisted.

You are a sensible soul and there is so much great beauty in that. Healing is salvation.

I don't touch these right now, as in the past doing so has caused consequences such as the intensification of hatred or suicidal tendencies or depression.  Sitting with them doesn't help, they are ingrained habits of my brain's circuitry, it's almost like there's also redundancies in place for them, as when I go through a meditation with one and sit clearly and lovingly with it, the instant I return into the intellectual mind and are subject once more to my own thoughts, they are immediately surfacing as reinforcements by my thoughts of the emotions I've just worked on.

My only hope I'm seeing is to return to a state of near constant conscientiousness, something I only ever managed back in the middle of my spiritual awakening.  Attempts afterwards are like trying to go on a jogging regiment.  It's haaard hahaha, but it's needed.

I plan on, if I don't keep on falling to depression and finding it pointless, to not only begin a literal regiment of practices for both mind and body, but to begin once again 'living' the Law of One, as it was in doing that that all of my issues were exacerbated, yet at the same time, many others were shed off, INCLUDING my anger.

My ex was depressive since childhood and she really hated me giving her tips, she thought I made it seem easy while she thought I was someone who never had such struggles in my life. I never meant to say it's an easy work but that it's a work of finding direction and holding unto this direction. If for every step backward you can make 2 steps forward, you will gain momentum in the right direction. Both you and her are people who cumulated a shitload of steps backward in your psyche and this does make it hard, this does make it a heavy work and if you are anything like her, your biggest stumbling block would be a lack of faith that you can resolve within yourself what there is to resolve.

Btw, I saw within her the most beautiful radiance of hate or anger I've seen in someone. Gosh it seemed so pure she appeared to me as a literal demon at times when I'd look into her eyes. Still, who knows but I would think my soul contains even greater anger and this is why I was not phased by hers, it's simply that mine own has already been distilled and resolved and now became an integrated portion/archetype of myself that is there to be drawn upon if seen as useful. Whereas you and her are more of slaves to this emotion you are distilling. I'm just saying this to say that while I might appear to not struggle with anger, it does not mean I don't contain an understanding of anger. I wrote this poem on hatred which contains my deep feelings found in contemplation relating to this emotion if you are interested : http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthrea...#pid190468

I think the great work is to find beauty where it is hard to perceive it. It's always there to be found which is why the first two steps of the discipline of the personality (quote I shared on previous post) are to know yourself to then accept yourself. A lack of acceptance reflects a lack of understanding and nothing more.

2014, a year without my anger plaguing me.  It was blissful, my sadness was shallow compared to my love.

So, I...I almost said know...I am aware that my anger/madness, and it's extremities of hatred, malice, frustration, and ignorance, can be shed away.  That my sadness and it's extremities of depression, hopelessness, pointlessness, and suicidal tendencies can be lessened down to a puddle rather than the ocean it is.

Yet, in the interim, as I became more loving it seemed like things like laziness also shed away, I cannot in that period recall any real emotions of negativity except after the moment I tried to reconnect as friends with me ex, and saw she hadn't changed a bit.  Now, a few days ago, I documented this in my journal thread, that now I am the one who has no changed where she is.

It just feels like, there's...A clear picture for my life, right in front of my eyes, and it's just hidden in plain sight, not even see-through or transparent but just so perfectly blended it's indistinguishable from being 'separate'.  I need to literally look into reality itself to see this picture, and only once did I have the eyes for this before they closed.

I go again and again and again to 2014, to that year.  To remember what I am, what I can become, what I once was.

This is a good example of what I think it'd be like for you to find your Higher Self within yourself. You'd see and know all of this resolves itself in acceptance, love and light. You'd perceive why your faith should be unshakable.

I am not choosing to be any of these things, I merely am them.  It ultimately becomes how I'm willing to work with myself.  Will I cultivate my suffering or my love despite both always existing with one another?  It's obvious the suffering is a gravity well, to cultivate it is to become pulled away from the ability to cultivate love, but it cannot take me away from what is a part of me even if it does block such from myself.

As The Glitch Mob says.  The closest space between two points is alive.

Just need to cultivate that life, rather than shelter it away and suppress it.

Really, these analogies all ultimately conclude to the fact I am lazy and not cultivating myself, whether out of pure laziness or fear or disbelief, it is a fact.  I am scared of myself.  I believe I should suffer in some ways.  I think I should be alone in others, because I am a scary person.  People here have seen that, I've seen it.

If a monster who wants to be good can't be good, the least it could do to incite good is to keep itself from harming others.

I'm trying not to harm myself, and it's never working.  Keep myself from others it hurts me.  Interact with others, still gets me hurt, but worse also hurts others.  Do nothing and I still get hurt.  It made me believe I was in hell.  I can't do anything right!  I'm always alone!  I hurt people when I'm not!  I hurt them when I am, somehow!

Yet, I am not in hell, but heaven and purgatory.  I know I do things right all the time.  I'm not always alone, I don't always hurt people when I'm with them, I don't always leave people with my suffering.

But I also don't even know myself, because for all I know, I'm a negative polarity purposefully doing these things, purposefully hurting myself, to hone something in a later life for all I know.

I am truly uncertain but considering the energies in my life, I'm getting feelings as to what I am supposed to do, as to what I need to work on...

But it doesn't change the fact my future projections after my mother dies all puts me on the street.  There's no one out here who's going to give me a home.  I can't manage two jobs, I can barely hold onto one job.  I have no family who gives a s*** about me out here, and I'm not moving to New Jersey when my life and my friends and everything I know is out here.

It ain't easy, but one day I know you willl look upon all the ways you will have felt and find yourself insanely beautiful to have felt all these things. You might not perceive how much more complete these things make you, but they do.

Your help is useful still though, and I'll consider many of the things you've said despite what I've just replied.

Just see that I might be a walking shield, so everything said to me I sometimes accidentally deflect or block.  The downsides to being a Cancer, my internal shell is always up unless I take it down, and I do not do that anymore.  Just gotta make out the muffled sounds and knocks

Well I got Venus in Cancer which governs my love life and I gotta admit this has been the most conflictual area of my life, where my Gemini-inherent-easygoingness was pushed into corners. I'm also moon in scorpio which is the emotional aspect of myself altogether that is with a shell and which is the literal symbolism of how my heart is and feels.

These concepts are truly powerful and dense, your birth chart is a good step toward doing the first step of understanding yourself. Ultimately you will find that things do become easier once you find the Creator within yourself, because it is forever who you are.