Lotsa Questions

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I believe I should suffer in some ways.

I'm just pulling this out. Do you really believe this? Because if you believe this for yourself, you are reinforcing this belief for all of us, because we are all one.

You don't deserve punishment any more than anyone else.

That's a pretty nice question...  I'd say yes, though not all in the ways others might deserve.  In a sense, it doesn't matter that I desire this as I already see it happening all around me, and am absolutely...  Can't even find the word to describe the sharp sensations of things resembling disgust, horror, despair.  It makes me realize that in a sense I want myself to suffer for my own self hatred because I feel I have squandered my life and ruined myself in some kind of way, if not during this life then in some prior one, but that the response I have for these feelings is self hatred and the desire to suffer, I can't say is because I want everyone else to suffer.

Some days I want the monsters of the world to get what they deserve by their victims standards.  Other days I just want everything to calm down and stop being so damn hard for everyone.  Some days I remember I used to be somebody, and it makes me want to get what I deserve for taking the intelligence I have and practically burying it in a 12 foot pit I dug for myself.

But mostly, as I said, that desire of mine is...Pointless.  Reality already incorporates it in both karma and plain natural progression of spiritual lessons learned.

If I didn't want to suffer, I wouldn't be suffering, it's somewhat painfully simple like that.

Just like how when I want to be happy, the only way for that to be, is to just be happy.  No amount of want will make it happen, you need to become it to be it.

Still, the whole human experiences is painted with triggers and hooks and claws.  Just this morning I debated if I should stop being friends with two of my friends because they never want to do what I want lately and never invite me to hang out with them anymore.  That'd leave me down to 3 friends left, all of which I never really see, 4 if I include the one person who emails me now and then.  But I don't know.  I don't like being completely alone, despite feeling like it the majority of my time awake.

So I obviously have to tend to my outer life at least somewhat, even if I keep finding myself feeling hopeless as the house falls apart, the property falls apart, the car falls apart one piece at a time, all the money I ever make is lost to life, nothing to save for myself, a game here or there and that's ll my life will be?  Video games, alone?  And the bills rise and the paychecks don't, what happens in the future, I don't know, but the inevitabilities are predictable.  Unless I find some kind of income greater than...Around 15 dollars an hour with at least full time, I'm not going to have a place to stay one day, who knows when, but if it's soon...  I don't have friends who are willing to be roommates, most strangers I wouldn't be able to live with either.  So the prospects are mostly not fun to entertain.

So I try not to anymore.

That I feel others deserve punishment might belie that I feel I deserve punishment.

I view my failures pretty severely.  I wanted everything I ruined for myself, in the process I ruined other's lives, and have nothing to show for it.  No education.  No income.  No family.  No home to call my own.  Pretty much what I can keep friends that lately I feel myself growing distant towards.  I'm a father who doesn't even know his son, I'm not a dad despite wanting to be.  I can't even keep my self composed mentally half the time anymore.  I never had that problem until I was 23.  I got problems dude.  Problems I view as severe in that they get severely in the way of my desires.

If the catalytic way of causing responses to this is through the processes of suffering, if suffering is what it's going to take to fix whatever I got going wrong in my mind, then so be it.  I don't want it but if it's the only way then I should just get it over with.  If that is what it takes then yes, I think I should suffer.  May as well go give hell a stroll if it means I'll get the hell out of it faster.

...I mean that literally.  If my presence is what it takes to keep this place from falling into total utter chaos, even if I'm suffering from it perhaps it's best I suffer for the many rather than the many suffer for the few.  I mean, I put myself here, obviously I wanted to be here one way or another on some level that transcends concerns such as hatred, malice, despair, depression, torment, suffering, for something more worthwhile.

Still.  Who knows where the road leads, maybe I'll wind up being the one who suffered the least of all compared to everyone around me.  Maybe I'm just a dramatic princess who's too much of a sensitive spineless idiot to admit my life is pretty damn okay for some of the one's out there I myself have come across.

Which is an entire other area of things I'll discuss one day in my journal regards the self sensations of being weak and fragile, as I have enough on my mind-plate right now with just despair, hatred, and depression.  Worthiness was somewhat surprisingly easy to come to terms with, now I find it's loosened the knots on those other three things, so I'm finding it easier to work with them now, especially with self hatred.  I'm beginning to finally recognize when those energies come across my mind and thoughts, rather than being seemingly so used to them I don't notice when they come round.  So I can finally begin catching myself, and thinking about all that everyone here has said to me, and manage to run with feeling worthy of not hating myself.  Even if the reinforcements begin to pop out of the wood work, all of these deep subconscious feelings and memories resurfacing to be worked with, I am at least making some kind of progress for it to be happening.

For instance, I haven't for the longest time concerned myself with the memory of my mother one night dragging me by the hair down a hallway, a 180 pound 5'11" guy.  Turns out that memory fuels a large amount of my hatred even despite it being directed towards my self by another series of memories and experiences...  Yet if I just come to terms with this memory, it stops fueling the entire machine of self hatred that I've got going on.

I'm trying, okay...I'm trying to distill these things, I need to now because you never know when one day I won't be able to, when one day I might be thrust into isolation and homelessness, and lack an outlet to plug a computer into, or lack a bed to rest in, or lack all the things I take for essential and granted and necessary to not lose my mind completely.

So, I'm trying.  It's going somewhere, I just...don't want to move too fast like I did last time...  Not that again, I can't do that again... The contrast was too sharp...

Muad-dib...I can't call those times periods of unconsciousness. I was clearly very conscious of my actions, enough so to so furiously reflect upon them that it's painful to me in very deep twisting ways.

I already have an idea of what you speak of, and I think it's important to mention I am somewhat capable of self-forgiveness, I forgive myself for the many things others have condemned me for. I just...Have standards, that I failed of myself and feel I need to sit with that, and not just forgive and forget. I feel like I need to learn from these failed standards of mine. Make these things have real resounding meanings and not just, something bad that happened and I got something positive out of it. Doing that was terrifyingly too easy for me.

Back in 2014 when I began following some of the ideas and performing them in Carla's book Living the Law of One 101: The Choice, I began to polarize, and I began a very vivid awakening process. Across 2014 over a period of months I managed to completely transform my personality, my mind, even my body was transforming, I lost 50 pounds and felt I was slimming up into a very attractive build. I woke up to thoughts of the Law of One floating around in my head, I went to sleep in loving peace with the thoughts of love. I went across the day like a friggin sun in blackness, that was how it literally felt to me. Everyone was in pain, EVERYONE WAS SUFFERING, I couldn't do ANYTHING. Sure, I had moments of greatly helping, I drove a woman who somehow managed to get so lost she ended up in eastern Chandler where I worked at the time and was trying to get to western Phoenix. She showed up at 2am. I let her sleep in my car than drove her home when I got off work at 6am after getting her a drink and some food. Had no idea who she was, drove over 20 miles there and back for this random woman, all because I kept seeing myself in her, kept thinking 'This could be me, I'd want me to help me.' as just one glaring example of how much different I was back then.

In essence, I rapidly raised kundalini into the indigo chakra, and the result was my life began to receive more and more catalyst. So, when I no longer could maintain this state of elevated consciousness, and it dropped, I was once again just this human, suddenly looking at a place I could only fathom to be literally Hell on Earth because of how deeply I had penetrated those perspectives of reality, if not that I was literally IN HELL, that there was no Earth, that I was just some consciousness in a dream state of perpetual nightmares paradoxically-blissfully ignorant, in some kind of egg shell of a container floating in eternal stasis forever doomed to repeat experiences of misery with moments of great love only to provide further suffering in the deep contrast between the two sensations.

It took literally having to tell myself even through the disbelief that those were all delusions before I finally recognized them to be. I don't think I can deal with that kind of...Catalyst again. So, I'm going to take things slow now. If it makes me lukewarm in polarity then oh well for me, ain't got anything better to do but live and die apparently. And in taking things slowly, I intend to never give myself more than I can handle ever again.

...There is one thing about your post that does strike me as a fresh and helpful view. I never realized I did disassociate from my empathy for others as I was filled with grief for everything...Not until I had said far too many things and done far too much, not until far too late did I realize this.

Your reminder, I hope will serve me to not fall into the destructive patterns I did before while working with energies I perceived to be monstrous, including those both outside and inside of myself.

Thank you, both of you, for your replies, they help immensely.