Lotsa Questions

[rva_jeremy]

I cry every night before I fall asleep, as much as I feel ashamed and embarrassed to admit that.

The alternative, my dear friend, is so so so much worse. So much. You have nothing of which to be ashamed or embarrassed. This release is, in my opinion, part of the balancing that needs to happen for catalyst to be fully processed. It is not designed to be pleasant. It is designed to register in the roots of mind once allowed to exist. Let the part of yourself that hurts make itself known, because that is the only way the other parts of yourself and the Creator can heal it.

This passage from the Hatonn session I read today speaks to this and the way such pain and suffering seems to linger while within it:

We are aware that the very nature of the physical illusion is such that the individual who is enjoying this illusion experiences many sensations of seeming separation and lack of love. My friends, we can only tell you that this is an illusion. If you allow yourself through meditation to seek reality, you will quickly discover the vast and limitless ocean of love which bathes the entire creation of the Father. There is nothing but this love. Not only is it all about you, but, my friends, it is you in that each fiber of your soul and your physical being is composed of love and light.

Due to this heavy sense of illusion, my friends, it is very possible for you to experience the pain of this lack. It is often intensified in its negative effect by an accompanying belief in the reality of what you know as time. When you experience illusory lack, it is also very easy to further assume that this lack will be for a certain amount of time which seems to be extremely long.

My friends, within meditation make contact with the timeless, the infinite, the eternal truth of creation. Discover love and light of the Creator. It is all about and if you are able to make contact it may flow to you and through you so that you are lifted upward along the spiritual path and are finally free of the illusion.

These experiences are necessary to you, my friends. They are simply your means of spiritually growing while you enjoy the physical experience. However, you need not be limited by the difficulties of this illusory existence. While you are learning you may also go within, my friends, and speed your learning considerably by contact with all that there is. [Hatonn, May 26, 1974, emphasis mine]

It sounds like you're going through an initiation, or at least that's one lens to apply to your experience. Initiations are designed, in my opinion, to test whether you mean the choice you made. Since most choices usually involve letting things go to which we've previously clung, know that your grief is perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable, and is being put to very good use in your larger evolutionary journey.

Take care.