Lotsa Questions

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Jade, your thoughts are always helpful. Even if figures of speech like 'wired in stone' make me have to stop and laugh at the mental image it conjured in me (I don't think a wire going into stone is...I don't think it works that way Jade xD )

Personally, its easy in some areas to forgive myself, I forgive myself when I binge eat, or spend a whole day playing zombie games.

I even forgive myself in some of my failures to love.

It seems only to be on the spiritual contextual front that I become so fiercely judgmental of my self.

Calls me average dude in 2017 America
Means no insult

Let's just wait and see if my ichingonline fortune regards 2017, saying this year will manifest 'a boat load of bodies', is true or not, depending there, we'll see if I take insult or not lol

Even though, I'd take it like a friendly insult the way my best friend and I make fun of each other now and then.

I sometimes feel shame at being an American...My country has some literally unimaginative darkness inside and extended outwardly from it.  I pray we don't repeat history and start a genocide on muslims

Believe me please when I say I was expecting some kind of lash-back against my return...Some resistance.  That you all are just loving makes me both want to leave more, but also stay, in that I feel like I owe it to you all to be better and offer better content in this community after all I've done..

But similarly.  All these things that I've done, just makes me melancholy, that I did that to such loving people, really harms my own view of myself.  I view this as natural and appropriate.

Wouldn't...Or shouldn't the creator feel shame at hurting itself in the energies it most yearned for while under the illusion of human separation? Isn't this just a perfect natural internal catalyst to prior catalyst mishandled?

I don't want to run away from you all, but I'm still scared of hurting someone of great love again...of hurting that which I want the most...  which, where your theme is being met with abuse, mine is being abusive in apathetic ways...

I will take into heart all everyone has said to me.  I'll be looking for my cause of self-grief strickenness as I very clearly am grief-stricken by my own self. I'll be scratching the surface to discovering my apparent inherent worthiness.  And I'll be looking for courage...  and an end to this depression and want to leave life.

I don't personally believe I've pierced the veil, much less scratched it.  I don't view my 'mourning' as belonging to the loss of something that will be regained inevitably.  I feel it towards my human self, I feel like I've taken this human life, and squandered it.  Like I've taken a shining star and snuffed it out, all of my potential, my capabiity, all that I could have been, I ruined myself. All of this wasted potential...

From a mathematician, to a musician, to a scientist, to a technician, a programmer, a game designer, a writer, a graphic artist...

I screwed it all.  Its hard feeling acceptable, 'worthy', or forgivable, when what you love the most, you also fail the most.  That being myself.  And in extension, my God, my self as Creator, my connection to Creator.

Sure, Creator sees no failures in tandem or retrospect.

I as yellow-ray personality shell Joe, in yellow-ray society, do however see failure. My human life is mortal, my time is finite. I can do more than fail my life, I can completely ruin my life, and so far it feels like that is exactly what I've done.

I don't deserve that, at least not my human identity...its so caring...it deserves so much more than what I have been able to provide it...

I don't use social media sites anymore for the most part...  I'm not okay with being used as a psy-op test subject...

Thank you for the replies everyone. I might ask lotsa more questions