Lotsa Questions

[flofrog]

Dear Apo, or Philosopher,
I would like to offer you some thoughts:

First let me say, i can truly relate to your suffering, since i almost experienced nothing else until i started my healing journey in my early thirties.
And i must say that it is entirely possible to transform a completely messed up life which seems to consist of nothing much else than suffering into  an adventurous journey that brings deep understanding, healing, is very very fascinating and will improve more and more on an emotional level.
There is no single experience or state of suffering,grief or whatever that cannot be solved into love and light!

Let me say a word about the ego and the intellect.
Thinking is not your mind, itis a function of your ego.
The ego is no mistake but a "sacred device". The ego is the tool that enables you to experience seperation. It is born out of trauma, ultimately the trauma of being seperated from unity.
This would be the core experience that (in my current understanding) is the biggest part ofthe "veil".
The ego on one hand keeps you from experiencing the pain of seperation and enables you to perceive yourself as seperate entity.
Without this you would dissolve in love and light, which sounds good in theory but if you re really facing it, the fear of losing the identity and ultimately dying is immense!
The ego has a portion in the mind, the emotions and in the physical body.
The mind-portion of the ego would be "thinking". I dont want to take it to the extreme and comdemn thinking. But the thoughtprocess is one the means that seperates you from your inner self and from unity.
That would explain why imagining states like infinity with the intellect are ultimately fruitless.
Its because the intellectual mind is the very opposite of it. Stillong the intellectual mind would be prerequisite for experiencing these states, if you know what i mean.

Second thing, in the unbalanced and immature being (which we are all at least until we make considerable progress) the main problem is usually dealing with unpleasant emotions.
This stems from old unprocessed emotions. Atthe time we had these experiences, it was too much for us to deal with, so we suppressed it and "installed" various means of defense and control to prevent such situations from reoccuring and the emotions from surfacing (we would probably be able to deal with them nowadays, but we never change the old belief that it would be too much for us).

One of the mosteffective control mechanisms would be "thinking". Try to observe it, when you have unpleasant emotions, engage in much thinking, then you will seperate from the heavy charge of the emotions. Now, refuse to engage in thinking and focus on the emotions, quite a huge difference.

As you said, there seem to be many emotions present (which is  a great thing!), the advantage is, you dont have to dig very deep to find your issues!
When you take the emotion of anger for example, you said you can either suppress it or act itout, which bothis not desirable for you.
The third possibility would be to allow it, be very present with it, without acting it out.
The increased presence or awareness reduces the "charge" of the emotion, you donthave to suppress nor hurt someone with it.
After a while, the unpleasant emotion will subside, sometimes after ten minutes, sometimes ittakes weeks.
You will however reduce the charge of the emotion each time you do this plus it will all serve as fuel to your presence and awareness.
Once you allow the emotion fully, with complete acceptamce, it mostoften is noteven unpleasant anymore but just a very strong energy.

Especially with anger i had much difficulties. It would be hard for me not to engage in thought or become sleepy, when i tried to deal with it in meditation.
I "developed" a walking meditation for me.
I would go outside, if possible into nature where no people would distract me.
I would walk at a steady pace, perform very deep breathing coordinated with my steps and try to focus as much as possible onthe emotion.
The steadiness of motion reduces distraction, the deep breathing brings the emotions to the surface in greater intensity, the moving of the body prevents the body from tightening (which weakens the flow of energy, thus emotions) and loosens where you already tightened, and the moving itself is a good way to act out the emotion.
When i am dealing with anger i usually walk very fast and uphill
This practice has helped me through very heavy unpleasant emotions, you could give it a try, if itresonates with you!
You can do this with any feeling, grief, sadness, anger, onworthieness.

Once the "charge" of the present emotion has been "discharged" you will mostprobably much better and much more alive.

A word to the balancing exercise:
In my understanding, the firstpart is really going as deep as possible into the emotion (since the emotion would be a more direct experience, whereas a thought would be a more "theoretical" experience). When the first emotion, lets say anger subsides, usually the opposite state starts to arise.
(Looking for opposites in the dictionary might not be a good idea, since what you consider being the opposite is not necessarily the opposite of what you experienced).
At some point in one's evolution these two "opposite" qualities will completely permeate each other, both being acknodlegded as eternal and valid parts of creation, at that point the deeper "truth" beyond polarity will arise.
So, equilibrium is only the first stage, the transcendance of polarity the "final" stage.

For example, being seperated.
The opposite would be being connected.
Once both states of being arefully accepted, simultaneously so to say, a deeper state arises.
Which would be unity or one-ness.

Does any ofthis make sense to you?
I hope it will be of some help!

And ostof all: you will make it through all this with unimaginable gain!
I know that itis entirely possible and itis possible for you

Muad-dib

I am really moved by your answer on staying with the emotion and really feeling it. living it,  connecting completely with it.  Many many years ago,  I had really one issue,  and that one issue was anger with the person I lived with.  It resolved in the end, and I still live, very happily with the same person..  
My anger was stemming from different events but was definitely aimed at that person that I considered like creating for me a very unfortunate life...  Until I did what you,  Muad-dib exactly said.  After a few weeks of confronting, connecting with this anger, I slowly came to the realization that at the very root, I was in fact only angry at myself. I was the one who was free, who'd freely put myself in that situation to live with this person, and that this person was true to oneself, as that person really was. Whatever grief  I was thinking that person had caused  me,  in the very end, I was angry only at myself for living in that situation.  When I realized that, i remember how free and light I felt at that moment.

The other wonderful thing that happened made me realize that I had been kind to anyone around me, except that person. So I changed 180 degrees towards that person, and.. my life changed ! lol

I really wonder, if in the end,  each time we feel anger, if it is not at the very root, always aimed first at ourself. It is this little inner question that has me smiling a lot,  inside, as so often that little question pops up... lol   Of course if we do think we are all One, well of course, there is only ourself to be angry at  !

Anyway, sorry for this long post, thank you Muad-dib and much love to everyone !!