Lotsa Questions

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Well, I have a couple thoughts for you. One is some reassurance as I believe you are actually already following the adept path, whether you would believe it or not. Some things to keep in mind while balancing on that path.

74.6 Questioner: Would you please correct me?

Ra: I am Ra. The indigo center is indeed most important for the work of the adept. However, it cannot, no matter how crystallized, correct to any extent whatsoever imbalances or blockages in other energy centers. They must needs be cleared seriatim from red upwards.

I think it's good you have taken a step back from indigo work to balance the lower centers on their own merits. Becoming too 'top heavy' is exactly what leads to hellish experiences. Before it seems you were considerably ungrounded. I would also like to highlight a situation of Carla's that I believe parallels your own.

This instrument also experiences some distortion of the green-ray energy center which you may call the heart center. It is overly open due to an intensive desire distortion on the part of this mind/body/spirit complex towards service to others, or as you may call it, universal love. This entity, therefore, spends itself without regard to its reserves of mind/body/spirit complex distortion in regard to what you call strength or energy. This distortion is primarily due to the blockage of the indigo ray. As we have said before, the misapprehension distortion of the instrument responsible for this blockage is the basic orientation towards a belief in unworthiness. The unworthiness distortion blocks the free flow of intelligent energy.

So it seems here that Carla had an imbalance whereby her heart was so open and she wanted so much to be of service but she did not see herself as worthy of that power/service that she offered. I think you have a similar form of blockage going on.

The next center is the pineal or indigo-ray center. Those blocked in this center may experience a lessening of the influx of intelligent energy due to manifestations which appear as unworthiness.

Aion, please try to understand...I am aware of having stepped onto the path, it was the beginning to the greatest part of my life so far, was the inspiration for completely re-vamping my original story, titled The Truth, into the time travelling one I've begun work on, was the cause for my realizations of myself the things that have kept me from committing suicide, and believe me when I say stepping onto that path was absolutely necessary in this incarnation in order for me to complete it.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be here today.  That is not an overdramatic statement, I truly found a inner peace that silenced my desire to end my life.

So it's cause of my distress, that such desires returned after I stepped on the path, stronger than ever, and all I had at the time to stave them off was my anger.  You all saw how that endeavor went, I spiraled into literal madness.

I won't lie, your remarks to me regards my worthiness were almost effortlessly disregarded by me in my entrenched belief of being unworthy.

I'll explore these feelings a bit transparently for you to better understand...At the risk of the judgments they will cause towards me.

I'm uncertain if you know of the psychological implications that come with a child being subjected to repeated affirmations by their maternal and paternal figures of unworthiness.  To this day my mother's words ring in my mind like a gong, 'You're a lazy spoiled rotten no good piece of s*** excuse for a human being', to just list one of several phrases that haunt my view of myself.
As I grew up, further and further realizing over and over how different I was, how, 'wrong', I was. Being made to believe I'm the cause for my mother's future death by her own words.  Being made to believe I was the cause of her and my father's divorce.  Everything that went wrong in my mom's life was thrust upon me as my fault, and I believe it, because it's not entirely incorrect.

Further, you have to see that in my past I was on a road to going somewhere.  I was in school, getting an education, I had friends and wasn't alone, I had a girlfriend who I wanted to marry.  We had a child together and in the long run I ended up becoming a dead-beat father, first not by choice, then eventually, settling into the belief that in some way it still was my choice.  I lost almost all but my closest friends, and of them one has already been removed from my life.  I no longer am going to school, I can't even get back in until I start paying off my loans which I have no desire to, feeling that I shouldn't perpetuate this debt system by participating in it as in my mind education should be free.
On top of that, having discovered that I do have a lifelong mental illness, and that I AM different from everyone, I find again and again the repeating examples of my unworthiness by my own cause towards my self.

I have tried to reason that my life has gone exactly as it should, and will continue to do so, and I have tried to hold on to what Jeremy said, that the being playing me has a better idea than I do of what needs to happen and be done.

None of those things have even scratched the surface of my yellow-ray personality shell in assuring my human identity of it's worthiness in pursuing these things.

I look back across my life and see again and again the Law of One coming from my own works.
I also look back across my life and see, in my view, failure after failure of upholding my belief of what it means to live by the Law of One.

In essence I do feel like a total failure, and in some ways I think all that really means is I'm successfully experiencing what I needed to experience to further my own spiritual progress...But with the way you describe it, it means I am still failing myself.

I mean, what does it take for the self to realize something?  Crying one's self to sleep every night isn't enough.  Going out of my way to keep myself from excesses of pleasure I feel I do not deserve.  Becoming so far distorted in thinking of the self to even believe one deserves to suffer, and that my time spent in those hellish places within my mind were nothing more than experiences I deserved.  I don't even believe I am deserving of a house and a wife and a family.  I truly feel and believe I am supposed to spend this life alone, suffering, and mostly miserable.

What does it mean to believe one's self is worthy?

I even have gone so far as to prepare for permanent homelessness by gathering supplies to become an urban nomad and live off of society while appearing to be a part of it.  That however is as far as I've prepared myself, as nothing can be done to prepare for the inevitable mental sufferings I am going to be inflicting upon myself by just my very manner of thinking.  Further, I'm pretty sure my death will come from being homeless.

...Like, even now as I type this, I'm not sitting at home.  I just got done having a fight with my mom and had to get out of that place, so here I am at a hookah bar using what little money I have left to myself to escape her continual attitude of debasing me and talking s*** to my face then telling me not to take it personally and to get over it.

Further...Sadly, I find it hard to become grounded in this reality.  Doing so often doesn't feel as comforting as just meditating on the violet-ray and letting it tell me where I need to work on my lower triad.  Even then, the only times I can approach the red ray in an attempt to ground myself is in meditations focusing around sexual energy.
This might sound somewhat messed up, but if I had someone to be sexual with, I would have the means to not find it so difficult to ground myself.  As I am though, bringing myself closer to the reality I live in is like walking into fire, it burns me to stand upon Earth as a part of it, because that makes me a part of some of the darkest energies I can think of and imagine.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I feel like even just trying to see myself in a positive light is taking a leap too big for me to traverse...  I was re-reading my own comments as The_Tired_Philosopher, and all that did was depress me greatly that I am that same person.

I don't know if it's appropriate to meet others with kindness out of the sheer desire to be met in kind, but were I to never realize the concept of another being an extension of the self, I probably would be a much crueler person similar to my mother.  That my natural life, without realization of spirit, would lead me to become more negative than positive makes me wonder what my real purpose being here is.  Never mind it also makes me want to terminate this life out of fear of causing more harm than good.

I don't want to be a bad person, yet I am.  It's plain as day and yet people try to tell me I'm a good person.  I cannot believe this.  A good person doesn't explode on others for being themselves.  A good person doesn't assault others with their presence the way I have.  I can be the sweetest person, but the only time I ever truly was, was when I had the Law of One always at the forefront of my mind.  Now that it's taken a backseat I find I once more fall in these patterns in my life...  That naturally lead me to believe these things.

That make me think I'm more monster than lover.

The closest I ever came to balancing all of these feelings was when I believed that I was both monster and lover, im/perfectly balanced to comprehend the entire spectrum of polarity, with a bias towards the positive and a curiosity towards the negative.  In all of it though, not once did I feel worthy.  I felt like I was truly capable of it at one point, but ultimately that subsided back into what I have felt since childhood.

That I am not a good person, or worthy of talking to God, or capable of helping anyone in their own spiritual journey.  The things I've wanted are not things I deserve.

So, all I do is put on a smile in front of people, but no one can see what Nine Inch Nails refers to as 'The big broken machine' that is my views of myself, and nobody cares even once they do witness it.

I see that there is no value to life beyond what it can give another on this world's society.  Animals are only worth the comfort they can give in either their domestication or their presence or their slaughter.  The same goes of plant life.  It's even worse for crystals, minerals, and elements like Fire and Air, Water and Earth, Light and Darkness, as they aren't even considered alive...

Dude, my own crystals don't want me working with them anymore...

Maybe this is all excuses.  Yes, they are excuses.
Because as I said, I am a coward.  Even were I to believe I was worthy, my fear would hold me back then.

Even were I to not be scared, I still think I would have some kind of problem, some kind of issue, some kind of disability, something, somehow, someway, always messing me up.

The fact I'm autistic alone has pretty much made me believe I cannot handle these things, as per Ra's comment of Mental Disease being indicative of an inability to face the self.  For such to manifest at birth tells me it's not even just my yellow-ray personality, it's my entire mind/body/spirit complex.

I can barely handle the yellow-ray energies of society, and now I see I have to handle that as well as the lessons of smoothing out whatever distortions are the cause for this inability to face myself.

I would describe myself as a mess energetically.  There's no one who can put that mess proper, there's nothing that can help me help myself beyond myself, which I am afraid to even face.

I can't even bring myself to view your attempt of helping me as an attempt to help me, I see it as you just doing what you will detached to whatever comes of it.

I'm sorry if this is rude of me.  I just don't see myself the way others do.  I just try to keep at this game of life, but as far as my self-image is concerned.  I may as well be looking at a broken mirror.

Energies like sadness and anger permeate me more easily than any others, and I don't know what that means.  I keep telling myself, one day I will understand and be able to do something about this.  I keep telling myself that.  But, I don't believe it.

I do believe I am meant to suffer.  I just do, its been hammered into my skull, I see it everywhere I look, suffering.  I can't escape it, I tried and stumbled into even worse suffering.  I try to accept it and just become hurt even more.

There's this song that Johnny Cash covered by Nine Inch Nails called 'Hurt', and in it are the lyrics, 'You are someone else, I am still right here'.

I hope that gives you some insight into the extreme depths of self depreciation I experience.

On the exact flipside, I see myself as someone capable of extreme amounts of love and wisdom, able to transmute all of that suffering. (I just lack the energy to handle transmuting ALL of the suffering)  I see that I am kind, generous, even capable of unconditional love to complete and total strangers.  To myself.  To creation.  I believe I am not a complete monster, but a consciousness that has become such at one point now moving away from it all.

I can only imagine, ponder, wonder, contemplate what my past lives must be causing in this life.  I can't afford hypnotherapy, I can't access the tools of discovery that are available.  I am truly alone in these energies of self-discovery.  Where I feel others have a clear grasp of themselves, I am here circling the drain of dissolution.  I look at myself and see phantoms.  Others look at me and see angels.  I look at others and see God's.  They look at themselves and see creatures.  I feel like an alien on this planet, everything I am, feel, experience, seems to contrast against others in ways that separate me.  Make me...Strange.

This is mimicked in my own posting style, I can't seem to put together a coherent and concise explanation, ever.  Yet another can come in and say to me exactly what I was saying, without ever realizing I was saying that exact thing.  It's some kind of cosmic joke I think.  I have an entire existence to give, and all I give are stumbling blocks...  I have entire worlds to share, and can only give the crumbs.  I have an entire love of something, and only serve to damage it.

So when I speak of feeling like a big broken machine, like a broken mirror, simply, 'broken', I speak from feelings I have had my entire life.

I'm like a speaker with a nasty feedback loop that blares and hurts everyone's ears.  I don't mean to be so, I just am so.

How can any of that lead me to the belief of worthiness?

I believe everyone else is in someway worthy, and I try to pull that from them.  In so doing, I again, and again, and again, find that where I should feel worthy as well, is only emptiness.

You know of that saying, the feeling of a hole in the chest?  The sensation of a void inside?

Maybe something ripped it out of me.  Maybe I ripped it out of myself.  Maybe I did as I said in an earlier post in this thread, tore off a part of myself just for the experience.

And maybe I just serve as an agent of confusion and catalyst on this forum...I don't feel like I belong here, out of unworthiness.

You're all so...Worthwhile.  I can't even contribute in the same.

Hah, it really is like a cosmic joke.  I just looked up across the hookah bar I'm in and there's one of my ex-girlfriends staring right at me, reminding me of how I failed being her best friend...

I don't know, Aion.  More and more I find reason to believe I am unworthy, even as I look to see the opposite.

What could it mean for a being to feel so negatively towards its self...?