Lotsa Questions

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Yikes!  All the familiar people!  I'm going to respond to the bigger posts once I finish reading them, but for the moment I'd like to explain myself a bit, in hopes that it will help others when talking to me.

Just some thoughts on some of the questions.

I never understood the nillhistic viewpoint. Or rather I feel directly opposite about nillhism. To me having someone say life is about this. Or this is what everything's about. Would make me feel like nillhistic. I like the open ended, make your own path. Make it what you make of it style. Like you Jade I see an infinite potential to experience. I Think of it as a bag of goodies that never end....what's the problem here?

I at first thought this exact way, the fun never ends!  It's just that I thought about it perhaps too much, and might have made some very distorted leaps of logic.  I see it that heaven is not worth hell.  Or basically that purgatory isn't worth the suffering one has to endure to reach heaven at last, whether it be eternal bliss or damnation, neither deserves the opposite's suffering in my mind.  All that really means is I do not believe 100 years of torment is worth eternity of bliss, or 100 years of nauseating bliss is worth eternity of inflicting torment on others.  Maybe that's just me, but those 100 years would really sour the remaining eternity for me, personally.

Because of that, when I look at this realm of 3D, see it's catalyst in areas that go to such extremes as to make me not even want to be aware of what can occur, I simply apply my imagination to what the future might hold.
I do not believe existence is all Love and Light to all of existence.  At some point, more suffering is going to have to be had in ways similar to this place, and for all I know they will be more bearable, or even harder to handle than this place is, and I'm not entirely sure I'm okay with that.

As for why I view the entire task of self discovery as an empty occurrence, I just see it as fulfilling up to a point, then the satisfaction will subside, then the experiment will change, more fulfillment hopefully, then it subsides, rinse and repeat.  That manner of existence to me is akin to running on a hamster wheel.  As a human it is all I could ever need to feel fulfilled, but my soul isn't satisfied, and I don't know why; but if all existence is boils down to self-discovery, then I want to try something radical by spiritual standards, and attempt to seek something beyond the self and the impossibilities that arise there.  The only basis I have for this desire being possible to fulfill is that the nature of infinity would allow it to occur.  Even if it's just the illusion of discovering something separate from the whole, the excitement of finding a 'spiritual alien' is fascinating to me.  Though, I see that such thoughts are weird and odd to some, I overall just desire to discover something that will change the way the one infinite views itself, makes it take a metaphorical step back, and makes it reconsider everything it is, knows, will be.

I just want to find something new, something new as in completely unknown, fully mysterious and unthought-of.  Even if that simply means to gaze upon the very mystery clad one infinite creator in it's fullness, something to change the game completely, because as it is I do not feel I belong within it, at least not in the roles I've had.

But that could also all just be me being stupid and mixing up fantasy with reality.  It's hard to not walk over that imaginary line of fantasy sometimes for me when thinking about these concepts.

I cannot...Properly explain why I feel an emptiness when I think of these concepts.  To be completely honest, the emptiness derived itself originally from the fear that in eternal infinity, anything is possible.  Even an eternity of misery.  From there I imagine those souls and portions of consciousness in this microcosm of the Law of One that are experiencing just that.  From there, all I want is to understand how to help them.  Being unable to do that seems to draw me closer to them, as it makes me very miserable and hence, the feeling of emptiness in existence.

But overall, I don't think I as a consciousness am naturally that way, I really just think this is a very, very hard incarnation for my own soul to deal with, especially because at various points I question my own character as a consciousness, and question if I, and all of you, and all of those participating in 3D, are actually ethically responsible sentient entities, or if this is some kind of purely experimental game that only exists due to it's becoming a cornerstone upon which higher densities require it's presence to exist.

I don't know, but thinking about it sure does make me lose my mind  

la-de-da, oh...  That was the only short response.  Guess I better start reading the longer ones.