12-19-2016, 04:08 PM
Hey Glow. I'm all too familiar with this. I'll share my thoughts/recent catalyst:
My father "officially" (written) disowned me about 4 years ago, with the caveat that I'd be allowed back into the family when I divorced my husband. Of course, this wasn't quite official because I was still very close with my grandma (seeing her several times a week) and renting her house. He gradually changed that. Once he and my aunt successfully chased us out of town, and upon settling in to our new place we were STILL getting harassing messages from them threatening us with legal action over peanuts, we changed our number and officially went "no contact" and didn't look back. The main casualty was my relationship with my grandma, as she lived with my aunt so there was no way I could contact her without my aunt getting my new contact information and thereby having a means to continue harassment.
It's been about 4 months now since I officially cut the cord (pun intended) and went no contact with my mother. It was harder because my mother was always needier than my dad and so had legitimate reasons to call on me at times. Currently, she's in prison. She was still crossing many lines in prison (dozens of calls a day, giving my contact info out to strangers/family members who I explicitly didn't want to have it, and them subsequently hitting me up for money/favors she promised...) and finally I just decided I was done with her games and stopped responding. It's been a bit stressful, but she's given up now so life has been quiet.
Until a week ago. My grandmother passed. The only person in my immediate family who ever treated me with kindness or respect - and that may seem like an exaggeration but it isn't. She taught me what maternal and unconditional love meant. However, she was never able to protect me from them - to her, they could ultimately do no fault. I take the most comfort that she is now free of the abuse of her narcissistic, thieving offspring.
No one on my father's side of the family even reached out to me. In a way, that hurts, of course - but in another way it is liberating. In a way I'm free. I had anxiety often about how/when to contact my grandmother, how to protect myself from the aftermath. If I would ever see her again. This is resolved, and I find that I've already spent significant time mourning that piece of my life. My ex-step-brother told me kindly, and my mother's aunt (who I haven't seen/spoken to since I was a child) sent me a very hateful Facebook message after calling me twice from a blocked number without leaving a message.
And, of course I struggle. I struggle with abandoning my family, I struggle with the mythology they have created of me to turn me into such a monster. But there is something I've been using to comfort myself lately, and as it often is it is the idea of courting the maiden. Ra says that "the right-hand and left-hand transformations of the mind may be seen to differ by the attitude of the conscious mind towards its own resources as well as the resources of other-selves." I think we, at least myself especially, forget to consider that my entity in its entirety is also a maiden who deserves to be courted, and treated lovingly as so. Would you force such things upon a maiden - that is, to unremittingly forgive the lifelong abuses of certain people? Would you force your maiden into a pit of vipers, those lashing out the moment you approach? Or even worse, those vipers who will purr like kittens until you get close enough, and then make their strike. (My mother and sister would be of the latter type, my father more of the "lash out at everyone/everything" type) This is not a reasonable expectation to make upon anyone.
So, while it feels service to self to isolate oneself from your family, it's only service to self in the purest way, in that you are showing compassion for the self - compassion for the self that has likely been lacking from many sources. Many 6th density Wanderers are incapable of programming catalyst where they dislike anyone else very intensely, so they program catalyst that causes a deep dislike for the self in order to learn to overcome with love. This is also the type of catalyst that can be chewed on for a whole incarnation - even after you divorce yourself from them, the trauma lingers to be worked with, and each time we look upon the past with new eyes we can move forward with new eyes, too.
I think it is indicative of an orange ray blockage to hold the family to different standards than those of other people. Most people know better than to stay at a toxic work place with a boss who only uses you, but we make excuses for allowing our families to treat us poorly. If we are all of One, then families shouldn't get special concessions on abusing us.
Some of us, and I know this very distinctly now, have the life pattern of balancing wisdom over love, and not allowing the self to martyr for false causes. Martyring the self for the family is a social construct that holds us back. If you feel good setting boundaries and feel even better the longer the boundaries are in place, this is not a bad thing. Especially if you've made forays into joint healing - as it seems like you have. I know that game, too, it's also an abuser's game - pretend to be remorseful but when it gets too real, revert to the original configuration. For both of my parents, drugs and addictions are a constant battle, and at this point in their lives I believe significant brain damage has occurred. My father's extreme vilification of me began after he started smoking larges amounts of spice/K2/synthetic marijuana. My mother has been a meth addict for most of my life. These are chemical imbalances and deep rooted natures that are difficult to overcome with love and light. I spent 27 years or so trying. Then, I realized, it's not my job to fix their faults, especially their lack of love for me. I have to find my own worth, despite them. Maybe, in the end, that is what will be a beacon to them - but maybe more likely is that the beacon I am cultivating is not for them, but for the many others who I can reach out to and affect with my love.
My father "officially" (written) disowned me about 4 years ago, with the caveat that I'd be allowed back into the family when I divorced my husband. Of course, this wasn't quite official because I was still very close with my grandma (seeing her several times a week) and renting her house. He gradually changed that. Once he and my aunt successfully chased us out of town, and upon settling in to our new place we were STILL getting harassing messages from them threatening us with legal action over peanuts, we changed our number and officially went "no contact" and didn't look back. The main casualty was my relationship with my grandma, as she lived with my aunt so there was no way I could contact her without my aunt getting my new contact information and thereby having a means to continue harassment.
It's been about 4 months now since I officially cut the cord (pun intended) and went no contact with my mother. It was harder because my mother was always needier than my dad and so had legitimate reasons to call on me at times. Currently, she's in prison. She was still crossing many lines in prison (dozens of calls a day, giving my contact info out to strangers/family members who I explicitly didn't want to have it, and them subsequently hitting me up for money/favors she promised...) and finally I just decided I was done with her games and stopped responding. It's been a bit stressful, but she's given up now so life has been quiet.
Until a week ago. My grandmother passed. The only person in my immediate family who ever treated me with kindness or respect - and that may seem like an exaggeration but it isn't. She taught me what maternal and unconditional love meant. However, she was never able to protect me from them - to her, they could ultimately do no fault. I take the most comfort that she is now free of the abuse of her narcissistic, thieving offspring.
No one on my father's side of the family even reached out to me. In a way, that hurts, of course - but in another way it is liberating. In a way I'm free. I had anxiety often about how/when to contact my grandmother, how to protect myself from the aftermath. If I would ever see her again. This is resolved, and I find that I've already spent significant time mourning that piece of my life. My ex-step-brother told me kindly, and my mother's aunt (who I haven't seen/spoken to since I was a child) sent me a very hateful Facebook message after calling me twice from a blocked number without leaving a message.
And, of course I struggle. I struggle with abandoning my family, I struggle with the mythology they have created of me to turn me into such a monster. But there is something I've been using to comfort myself lately, and as it often is it is the idea of courting the maiden. Ra says that "the right-hand and left-hand transformations of the mind may be seen to differ by the attitude of the conscious mind towards its own resources as well as the resources of other-selves." I think we, at least myself especially, forget to consider that my entity in its entirety is also a maiden who deserves to be courted, and treated lovingly as so. Would you force such things upon a maiden - that is, to unremittingly forgive the lifelong abuses of certain people? Would you force your maiden into a pit of vipers, those lashing out the moment you approach? Or even worse, those vipers who will purr like kittens until you get close enough, and then make their strike. (My mother and sister would be of the latter type, my father more of the "lash out at everyone/everything" type) This is not a reasonable expectation to make upon anyone.
So, while it feels service to self to isolate oneself from your family, it's only service to self in the purest way, in that you are showing compassion for the self - compassion for the self that has likely been lacking from many sources. Many 6th density Wanderers are incapable of programming catalyst where they dislike anyone else very intensely, so they program catalyst that causes a deep dislike for the self in order to learn to overcome with love. This is also the type of catalyst that can be chewed on for a whole incarnation - even after you divorce yourself from them, the trauma lingers to be worked with, and each time we look upon the past with new eyes we can move forward with new eyes, too.
I think it is indicative of an orange ray blockage to hold the family to different standards than those of other people. Most people know better than to stay at a toxic work place with a boss who only uses you, but we make excuses for allowing our families to treat us poorly. If we are all of One, then families shouldn't get special concessions on abusing us.
Some of us, and I know this very distinctly now, have the life pattern of balancing wisdom over love, and not allowing the self to martyr for false causes. Martyring the self for the family is a social construct that holds us back. If you feel good setting boundaries and feel even better the longer the boundaries are in place, this is not a bad thing. Especially if you've made forays into joint healing - as it seems like you have. I know that game, too, it's also an abuser's game - pretend to be remorseful but when it gets too real, revert to the original configuration. For both of my parents, drugs and addictions are a constant battle, and at this point in their lives I believe significant brain damage has occurred. My father's extreme vilification of me began after he started smoking larges amounts of spice/K2/synthetic marijuana. My mother has been a meth addict for most of my life. These are chemical imbalances and deep rooted natures that are difficult to overcome with love and light. I spent 27 years or so trying. Then, I realized, it's not my job to fix their faults, especially their lack of love for me. I have to find my own worth, despite them. Maybe, in the end, that is what will be a beacon to them - but maybe more likely is that the beacon I am cultivating is not for them, but for the many others who I can reach out to and affect with my love.
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