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How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Glow - 12-04-2016
So bad episode tonight.
It was the first time in over 20 years I saw my father on his birthday.
He disowned me at 17 via a letter when he married his third wife and moved on to building a life with her teenaged kids because she didn't really want us around. It sucked it f***** me up for a long time but I forgave them for being who they were and understood it's just their path and part of mine. It was a rough go though as when he left originally I was 4 and he left me with a very unstable woman who abused us and tried to kill all three of the children he/they had.
So anyways 20 years later I figured I'd give him another shot, it's been slow and ok but tonight sucked. His wife still wants me not around and he is not fighting her very hard but he asked so I try and have no expectations.
I literally need nothing from him and have been calm and balanced about everything.
Tonight however we were at his... well his wife's daughters palve with her kids who all had the benefit of his love, care and protection through their life.
They are family, I am not. I was fine, calm even. It all worked out for them and while I never had a family I learned a lot and became ME which rocks.
End of the night her kids are gone it's just him, his wife, the daughter and myself and she starts the diatribe of explaining all the private jokes between them and all the things I wouldn't know then apologized for calling home dad. I handled it well, I stated the truth we all knew " he is your dad more than mine" ha ha ha they all laugh. I'm still calm and ok.
I think she was trying to effect me because then addressing only me she went through all the cards from her kids and told me not anyone else what a great grandad and dad he is how he does anything for them and they are so lucky. It went on and on then suddenly time stopped. I stood up and apologized but said "I have to go this is enough I'm happy you all have each other and built a family but I can't handle watching the parade of who all was loved by him when I wasn't"
I left. I'm mortified I lost my cool, I'm mortified I interrupted their evening and oh dear god at his birthday. Truth is I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I truely am happy for them. I just couldn't sit through that further.
So obviously I need to grow further but I don't see how. It was emotionally charged but I'm not even sure what the emotion was but not needing what I lost rubbed in my face. So how do I heal this when it doesn't hurt?
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Minyatur - 12-04-2016
I don't think it's all that bad, from what you said it seems to me you wanted the hypocrisy of the moment to be acknowledged because you could no longer partake in it. Which does seem quite understandable and probably made it easier to leave from a place you felt you didn't really belong at.
Don't be hard on yourself, you probably did what was required of you as a catalyst.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Glow - 12-04-2016
(12-04-2016, 10:55 PM)Minyatur Wrote: I don't think it's all that bad, from what you said it seems to me you wanted the hypocrisy of the moment to be acknowledged because you could no longer partake in it. Which does seem quite understandable and probably made it easier to leave from a place you felt you didn't really belong at.
Don't be hard on yourself, you probably did what was required of you as a catalyst.
Huge sigh of relief! Thank you so much!
You nailed it. I feel so much better after reading that, because you are right.
Afterwords I think I was more upset that I had reacted because I couldn't see how to further heal this. It feel healed. Your right it wasn't the experience I couldn't balance in the moment but the hypocrisy.
Thank you so much, I will stop being embarrassed by this.
It certainly was catalyst lol I have not felt like that in a long time and I guess I can be pleased it wasn't even a full moment later I was calmly apologizing and stating I truely am happy for them. I just had to leave.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Minyatur - 12-04-2016
Based on the entire story you shared, I think you did quite good. Nothing I could think you should feel any embarrassed about, and quite the opposite. I think you probably gave your dad the mirror he needed to work on himself, putting up with the entire thing through the end might've been unhelpful toward both your dad and yourself. You've been honest with yourself and allowed yourself to express how you felt, and that is never a bad thing.
Based on my observations of my own dad who left 2 wives with 2 kids each in a different province before settling with my mother, he does have a work of self forgiveness to do, so I'd say in any future interaction you could seek to have a focus on providing what's needed to help your own dad find forgiveness for himself while not necessarily having a need of this for yourself but to reply to his own need he might bring to you. In the case of my dad, his first wife was suicidal and he wouldn't have taken the kids out of fear she would've killed herself, but in the end he left them to a really shitty childhood and her next husband was an abusive dad too. A few years back one of my step sister asked him how he could've left 4 kids back there and this did weight a whole lot on his conscience. But I know she did not create this guilt in him, this catalyst was meant to bring up on the surface things my dad escaped facing within himself, and I think it was required that he'd get told this to be able to process these things now that he grew older and is not bound by what made him act as he did in the past.
In a similar fashion I think you were called to say the things you said to create movement in what needs to be processed, to allow healing to occur. If you feel healed and balanced about it all, I think that's what matters most for you as it is your personal work that no one could've done in your stead. I think you went out of good will and I don't think this initial intent was lost.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Minyatur - 12-05-2016
On a side note, I find the story very uplifting in how you seem to have made peace with the whole situation for yourself. How you said it allowed you to be who you are (which rocks!) is very beautiful of itself and I think finding love for who we became might be the easiest way to make peace with our past and forgive those who have hurt us.
Thanks for sharing!
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - isis - 12-05-2016
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: End of the night her kids are gone it's just him, his wife, the daughter and myself and she starts the diatribe of explaining all the private jokes between them and all the things I wouldn't know then apologized for calling home dad.
she apologized for calling him dad in front of you? did i read that correctly? if so, that's really awkward. i probably would have taken that as my cue to gtfo.
my guess is that you're just very sensitive & susceptible to other people's energy & you were (subconsciously) picking up on some strong negativity coming from them which caused you to react the way you did.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Glow - 12-05-2016
Thank you Minyatur. Both your personal life perspective and your comment on mine really have helped wash my emberessment away. Thank you
Isis you are correct also. Part of the storey I left out is my father was making $100 an hour in the 70s and stayed with the same company moving up the ladder his whole career. His third wife wanted us gone because we are his only blood kids and as she has admitted to my sister and aunts she wants the inheritance for her kids. That's why she wanted us gone so me considering being part of his life was a threat to that. Not that I give a care about money I didn't earn it, I just was up to see if I could close a wound for him and maybe enjoy a decade of his life with him.
The entire night there was a chill in the air from the daughter and grand daughters but I honestly didn't believe it was about me until the diatribe started. I was honestly trying to give them the benefit of the doubt that they would love him enough to want him happy and I did seem to make him happy.
The comment re calling him Dad was really awkward but I handled it and I thought it would pass, the next 15 minutes though just got worse and worse till time slowed, there was a snap and I'm certain I started to leave my body through the back because suddenly I was seeing from a different angle. Cognative dissonance has done that to me once before but I got much further out of my body. Anyway at that point it was all I could do to calmly except I had to go.
Thank you all for being here for me. Truly what upset me most was that I had an emotionally charged reaction, I was worried I had more healing to do but could not for the life of me see what needed healing. Thank you for your perspective it eased my confusion and emberessment. ((Hugs)) to you all.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Diana - 12-05-2016
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: So bad episode tonight.
It was the first time in over 20 years I saw my father on his birthday.
He disowned me at 17 via a letter when he married his third wife and moved on to building a life with her teenaged kids because she didn't really want us around. It sucked it f***** me up for a long time but I forgave them for being who they were and understood it's just their path and part of mine. It was a rough go though as when he left originally I was 4 and he left me with a very unstable woman who abused us and tried to kill all three of the children he/they had.
So anyways 20 years later I figured I'd give him another shot, it's been slow and ok but tonight sucked. His wife still wants me not around and he is not fighting her very hard but he asked so I try and have no expectations.
I literally need nothing from him and have been calm and balanced about everything.
Tonight however we were at his... well his wife's daughters palve with her kids who all had the benefit of his love, care and protection through their life.
I'm so sorry for the pain you must have gone through as a child.
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: They are family, I am not. I was fine, calm even. It all worked out for them and while I never had a family I learned a lot and became ME which rocks.
I get that.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I was ecstatic at 18 to leave home and live my life the way I wanted to. It was very empowering and I said the very same thing—that my childhood made me who I was and that I was stronger/more independent/more X because of it.
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: End of the night her kids are gone it's just him, his wife, the daughter and myself and she starts the diatribe of explaining all the private jokes between them and all the things I wouldn't know then apologized for calling home dad. I handled it well, I stated the truth we all knew " he is your dad more than mine" ha ha ha they all laugh. I'm still calm and ok.
I think she was trying to effect me because then addressing only me she went through all the cards from her kids and told me not anyone else what a great grandad and dad he is how he does anything for them and they are so lucky. It went on and on then suddenly time stopped. I stood up and apologized but said "I have to go this is enough I'm happy you all have each other and built a family but I can't handle watching the parade of who all was loved by him when I wasn't"
I left. I'm mortified I lost my cool, I'm mortified I interrupted their evening and oh dear god at his birthday. Truth is I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I truely am happy for them. I just couldn't sit through that further.
That you are happy for them is a compassionate state of being.
I don't know you, but if I were you I might consider your next words: I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. You as an adult are intellectually capable of viewing the situation this way, but the child you were wasn't. The emotional reaction you had speaks to being triggered. What may have been triggered is the encapsulated pain of abandonment etc. you felt as a child.
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: So obviously I need to grow further but I don't see how. It was emotionally charged but I'm not even sure what the emotion was but not needing what I lost rubbed in my face. So how do I heal this when it doesn't hurt?
You might consider turning this on its head and thanking the daughter for bringing this to your attention—from a higher perspective as she obviously did not intend to help you consciously.
"...obviously I need to grow further." None of it is your fault and we all need to grow further all the time. I think what you might be feeling is to grow to be able to deal objectively or non-reactively with this type of encounter.
One way to do this and dissipate the emotional charge, is to consider the child you were who was not nurtured and loved unconditionally. The thing is, no matter how advanced a being one is, being here in 3D adds a physical body and all that goes along with it to the mix. We have brains and they function in a certain way. Survival instinct in humans includes the ability to cordon off, so to speak, emotional pain. It gets encapsulated and protected from consciousness. That's one of the reasons we can be triggered at times and not understand why.
One thing I would look for at this time, is perhaps some dreams of your father because of this recent highlight. You might gain some insight from them.
If what I have said does not resonate with you, disregard.
If it does, John Bradshaw has some wonderful books on healing the inner child.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Glow - 12-05-2016
(12-05-2016, 02:13 PM)Diana Wrote:(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: So bad episode tonight.
It was the first time in over 20 years I saw my father on his birthday.
He disowned me at 17 via a letter when he married his third wife and moved on to building a life with her teenaged kids because she didn't really want us around. It sucked it f***** me up for a long time but I forgave them for being who they were and understood it's just their path and part of mine. It was a rough go though as when he left originally I was 4 and he left me with a very unstable woman who abused us and tried to kill all three of the children he/they had.
So anyways 20 years later I figured I'd give him another shot, it's been slow and ok but tonight sucked. His wife still wants me not around and he is not fighting her very hard but he asked so I try and have no expectations.
I literally need nothing from him and have been calm and balanced about everything.
Tonight however we were at his... well his wife's daughters palve with her kids who all had the benefit of his love, care and protection through their life.
I'm so sorry for the pain you must have gone through as a child.
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: They are family, I am not. I was fine, calm even. It all worked out for them and while I never had a family I learned a lot and became ME which rocks.
I get that.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I was ecstatic at 18 to leave home and live my life the way I wanted to. It was very empowering and I said the very same thing—that my childhood made me who I was and that I was stronger/more independent/more X because of it.
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: End of the night her kids are gone it's just him, his wife, the daughter and myself and she starts the diatribe of explaining all the private jokes between them and all the things I wouldn't know then apologized for calling home dad. I handled it well, I stated the truth we all knew " he is your dad more than mine" ha ha ha they all laugh. I'm still calm and ok.
I think she was trying to effect me because then addressing only me she went through all the cards from her kids and told me not anyone else what a great grandad and dad he is how he does anything for them and they are so lucky. It went on and on then suddenly time stopped. I stood up and apologized but said "I have to go this is enough I'm happy you all have each other and built a family but I can't handle watching the parade of who all was loved by him when I wasn't"
I left. I'm mortified I lost my cool, I'm mortified I interrupted their evening and oh dear god at his birthday. Truth is I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I truely am happy for them. I just couldn't sit through that further.
That you are happy for them is a compassionate state of being.
I don't know you, but if I were you I might consider your next words: I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. You as an adult are intellectually capable of viewing the situation this way, but the child you were wasn't. The emotional reaction you had speaks to being triggered. What may have been triggered is the encapsulated pain of abandonment etc. you felt as a child.
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: So obviously I need to grow further but I don't see how. It was emotionally charged but I'm not even sure what the emotion was but not needing what I lost rubbed in my face. So how do I heal this when it doesn't hurt?
You might consider turning this on its head and thanking the daughter for bringing this to your attention—from a higher perspective as she obviously did not intend to help you consciously.
"...obviously I need to grow further." None of it is your fault and we all need to grow further all the time. I think what you might be feeling is to grow to be able to deal objectively or non-reactively with this type of encounter.
One way to do this and dissipate the emotional charge, is to consider the child you were who was not nurtured and loved unconditionally. The thing is, no matter how advanced a being one is, being here in 3D adds a physical body and all that goes along with it to the mix. We have brains and they function in a certain way. Survival instinct in humans includes the ability to cordon off, so to speak, emotional pain. It gets encapsulated and protected from consciousness. That's one of the reasons we can be triggered at times and not understand why.
One thing I would look for at this time, is perhaps some dreams of your father because of this recent highlight. You might gain some insight from them.
If what I have said does not resonate with you, disregard.
If it does, John Bradshaw has some wonderful books on healing the inner child.
It's interesting you bring this up because last night I think was the first time I ever understood the inner child stuff, and protecting /nurturing your own inner child.
I think me leaving vs going out of body further was the first time I ever protected her appropriately.
I could always see people's pain and reason for things even as a little kid so I always endured instead of protecting myself. I did last night. I got "her" out of there.
Later in the night I couldn't sleep but I had a weird simultaneous sence of both protecting her and being protected by me. Too complex for my brain to explore to far but the sensation was there.
There is always more to grow and while I'm not sure I thank her for her behaviour it did show me I am still capable even in the moment to feel compassion for her current state of being that she needed to do that, maybe in a few days I will get to the greatful part.
Thank you Diana
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Agua del Cielo - 12-15-2016
Hey Glow,
What extremely difficult circumstamces you had to endure!
I deeply feel with the little child you have been!
And also the birthday situation is a pretty mean slap in the face
I'm not sure if this is of any help for you, but I would like to share my 'forgiveness' story regarding my dad.
My story with my dad has been one full of violence, all kinds of abuse and humiliation for all my childhood and teenage years.
It was followed by a many years with no contact at all in my twenties. I've been full of anger and hate.
After I started a therapy at around 30, I discovered, there's still a little boy in me that really loves his dad and longs for being loved return. Having been on a spritual path for quite some years, I decided to give it a go and work on forgiveness.
I seemed to be able to forgive a lot of things, we started having contact again and for quite some years, our relationship seemed to improve.
Then one evening two years ago we sat together and talked. And we started talking about childhood and teenage years. He wanted to know, how I experienced this. I didn't say more than two sentences, then he denied absolutely everything that happened between us.
I was more than shocked.
And all the suffering, all the pain that I experienced with him came up again.
We have not had contact since, I just am not willing and able at the moment.
I realized, that I used the forgiveness, to avoid re-experiencing that old pain. So, it was partially an honest wish to forgive and at the same time a means to avoid dealing with the old pain.
Since then I've been working gradually through this old pain. I hope, I can completely forgive someday.
But in the moment, there is still too much suffering to be worked through to honestly forgive.
And I realized, that first and foremost I need compassion for that little boy., that still lives in those unbearable circumstamces deep inside me.
I dont want to say, your forgiveness has not been real oder honest. But i seems to me, that you have opened the 'next layer' of that matter.
If it dont ring with you, just discard my words
I wish you all the best and all the love in the world. May you never give up and be free of all past pain soon!
With compassionate regards
Agua del Cielo
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - outerheaven - 12-15-2016
I think you handled yourself well! I can imagine being in your shoes, sitting there with fists tightening, blood boiling, trying to stay calm as I suffer the highlights of the life that my Dad chose over a relationship with me.
It sucks when we lose our cool; you're right, it's mortifying. But hey, you didn't toss the table and start screeching and throwing things. That is mortifying. To stand up, calmly explain yourself as best you can, and then remove yourself from the situation ... well, we should all strive to handle ourselves with such grace when confronted by difficult, emotional reactions, IMO. Don't beat yourself up! You did very well.
Quote:I think she was trying to effect me because then addressing only me she went through all the cards from her kids and told me not anyone else what a great grandad and dad he is how he does anything for them and they are so lucky.
Do you think your Dad feels guilt over the father he was for you? If so, she might have been trying to assuage your Dad's guilt about not being a good father to you, by showing you what a terrific father he was, to her. Maybe she even thought this would be healing for you to hear.
Which, yes, would be completely tone-deaf. But she doesn't understand "Dad's" guilt, nor your pain, because all she knows is "whaddya mean? Dad's A+, truly a great guy!"
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - BlatzAdict - 12-15-2016
(12-04-2016, 10:37 PM)Glow Wrote: So bad episode tonight.
It was the first time in over 20 years I saw my father on his birthday.
He disowned me at 17 via a letter when he married his third wife and moved on to building a life with her teenaged kids because she didn't really want us around. It sucked it f***** me up for a long time but I forgave them for being who they were and understood it's just their path and part of mine. It was a rough go though as when he left originally I was 4 and he left me with a very unstable woman who abused us and tried to kill all three of the children he/they had.
So anyways 20 years later I figured I'd give him another shot, it's been slow and ok but tonight sucked. His wife still wants me not around and he is not fighting her very hard but he asked so I try and have no expectations.
I literally need nothing from him and have been calm and balanced about everything.
Tonight however we were at his... well his wife's daughters palve with her kids who all had the benefit of his love, care and protection through their life.
They are family, I am not. I was fine, calm even. It all worked out for them and while I never had a family I learned a lot and became ME which rocks.
End of the night her kids are gone it's just him, his wife, the daughter and myself and she starts the diatribe of explaining all the private jokes between them and all the things I wouldn't know then apologized for calling home dad. I handled it well, I stated the truth we all knew " he is your dad more than mine" ha ha ha they all laugh. I'm still calm and ok.
I think she was trying to effect me because then addressing only me she went through all the cards from her kids and told me not anyone else what a great grandad and dad he is how he does anything for them and they are so lucky. It went on and on then suddenly time stopped. I stood up and apologized but said "I have to go this is enough I'm happy you all have each other and built a family but I can't handle watching the parade of who all was loved by him when I wasn't"
I left. I'm mortified I lost my cool, I'm mortified I interrupted their evening and oh dear god at his birthday. Truth is I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I truely am happy for them. I just couldn't sit through that further.
So obviously I need to grow further but I don't see how. It was emotionally charged but I'm not even sure what the emotion was but not needing what I lost rubbed in my face. So how do I heal this when it doesn't hurt?
when it doesn't hurt it's from trying to push away the situation as if it doesn't matter, don't divide yourself from your reality. it should hurt because it is there to inform you of the situation. forgiving yes that is a great step though there is also loving someone enough to let them go. Though it is not providing a resolution to that reaction which would come from something and that of course is the neglect you've had. we have that in common.
to provide healthy boundaries that are not controlling. is to literally disallow others from harming yourself by being vocal about these intentions and perceptions that you do garner in the moment, it's trusting your instinct, of course don't harm yourself and others. State in clear open terms when you do this it makes me feel this. sure you need nothing from him and literally it wasn't even about him it was about the situation these people brought on through their observation from their own perspective and setting up their own nest of speech. a suggestion would be to attempt to change the subject to pie or something with finesse to distract and amaze. muggles in the red or orange rays tend to only have certain complexities of thought.
so it would have been healthier to say this perspective you have makes me feel crappy... because this is the first time i have seen this person in X years. it would have been clear, honest with yourself, and not hurting them by necessarily judging them or insulting them, but judging the action. when you learn to become your own mother and your own father you celebrate the new child that is you who you are, and this does not necessarily constitute with physical parents, it has to also be an internal wisdom within ourselves, that's what i think anyway.
you have this situation though you may also share personality traits with your father, you may of healed the things he was unable to, or you may yet go through the same things. all of the tarot, will teach you what i'm talking about.
you got triggered totally, because of your dad's wife. i would see if i could strengthen that bond between you and her, and if not i would avoid this person. the healthy thing to do is act from the heart, and the cards will fall where they may. if someone elses heart is not open, then leave them alone.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Glow - 12-16-2016
(12-15-2016, 12:45 PM)outerheaven Wrote: I think you handled yourself well! I can imagine being in your shoes, sitting there with fists tightening, blood boiling, trying to stay calm as I suffer the highlights of the life that my Dad chose over a relationship with me.
It sucks when we lose our cool; you're right, it's mortifying. But hey, you didn't toss the table and start screeching and throwing things. That is mortifying. To stand up, calmly explain yourself as best you can, and then remove yourself from the situation ... well, we should all strive to handle ourselves with such grace when confronted by difficult, emotional reactions, IMO. Don't beat yourself up! You did very well.
Quote:I think she was trying to effect me because then addressing only me she went through all the cards from her kids and told me not anyone else what a great grandad and dad he is how he does anything for them and they are so lucky.
Do you think your Dad feels guilt over the father he was for you? If so, she might have been trying to assuage your Dad's guilt about not being a good father to you, by showing you what a terrific father he was, to her. Maybe she even thought this would be healing for you to hear.
Which, yes, would be completely tone-deaf. But she doesn't understand "Dad's" guilt, nor your pain, because all she knows is "whaddya mean? Dad's A+, truly a great guy!"
Thanks for saying I didn't do to bad.
In regards to her thought pattern. I have 3 thoughts.
1. I'm not certain she knows her mother drove us kids away on purpose, and that my father wrote a letter disowning me. She blurted out as I was leaving that "it was your choice re: not having had him in my life, so I calmly mentioned being written a letter telling me "he was through with our relationship when I was 17."
It was 4 pages long and I still remember exactly where I was and what the weather was like when I read it. It was like a knife to the chest because it came 2 months after a car accident that left me crippled for a year(almost died) and only 6 months after he came to the house to meet the police because my much older brother had beat me up so bad my mother thought he was going to kill me so called the cops.
I needed someone so badly then and instead he walked away.
My second thought is perhaps she felt threatened by my presence because I was told by an aunt I also hadn't seen in 20 years (his doing) that he was only half paying attention to anyone but me as he was glad I was there.
Either way I'm not mad, anyone who would need to act out as she did when I was not being anything but neutral and appreciative needs my sympathy more than I need their kindness.
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Glow - 12-16-2016
Thanks for the help and feedback guys.
I am truely still learning from this situation and like Diana said I might I have actually reached the point I am greatful for the experience.
I thought I was free before this happened. Meaning I thought I no longer was invested in what happened to this relationship I mean he was out of my life for 20 years so how much could I have been invested at that point. Turns out I guess I still had that child in there that wanted her dad. (Good catch A.D.C)
This evening made me step up as the protector of that child.(good catch BlatzAdict)
It has left me processing so much and pushed me further in my growth.
It's why I haven't been posting. I'm processing so much it's almost in an unconscious level running nonstop as I go through the day but it's been a great shift.
So I will update you and B.A. and A.D.C. Your reply was basically where I went so I am just going to share my email to my father as my reply. You nailed it though.
*******
So the update. I didn't hear from anyone for a few days. I just resigned myself to him likely being done with me again. That made me sad like the child and I morned it a bit. Till a few years ago I had quite the inner monologue telling me I was garbage so I felt that again. Discarded, forgotten, disposable. I didn't wallow but yuck I felt how the wounds felt. I had loved him like no one else as a kid. Despite him leaving me behind as a kid he was the only one that made me feel loved, when he was there so it was a loss.
Then 2-3 days later an email popped up on my phone while I was working and I was so scared to answer I had to push it away for a few hours then just called it a day and read the email because I couldn't fully consentrate and my work can go very very bad quickly if I'm not "there fully".
It was a short email "wishing for me to find inner peace" as if he has a clue and basically telling me to get on with my life. The kiss off. He likely just would find that easier and that's ok.
I emailed back saying well I will just let you read it.
"I appreciate your honesty. I'm confused how to proceed.
I actually am quite happy in life and didn't expect to have to leave so abruptly it was not anger or jealousy or any conscious emotion that made me flee or I would have been able to manage it.
It was a very physical reaction, to re-experiencing loss. Fight or flight as the expression goes since their was nothing to fight except a memory I fled.
I don't honestly see any benefit to exposing myself to that again. They aren't my family, they are yours. I'm sure great people but your people. I'm sure you guys can enjoy your future gatherings perfectly without me.
Part of what led up to your issue with me as a teenager was that we all three kids felt very uncomfortable at those large gatherings of (Surname of new wife) and that was the only way we could see you. We could have done better with some independent time with you.
Actually (sisters name) told me that's why she didn't come Sunday to your birthday.
Perhaps in the future when you and I have gotten to rebuild our own bond I wouldn't be so bothered by a (wife surname) gathering but for now if you still wish to pursue some sort of relationship I'd like to do it independently of a gathering of family I am not part of.
If that seems unreasonable or unpalatable to you I understand. Please don't respond tonight or tomorrow I have to run a business and it's incredibly hard to focus when I'm teetering on the edge not wanting to read an email out of fear of what it will say.
I'm off for appointments Thursday so could handle it then. Or take time and think so you are sure how you feel.
I did enjoy spending the evening right up till the end. Please thank A for her hospitality and I tried apologizing that evening but I'm sure no one believed I was sincere. I hold no I'll will it was a great evening but I had a very unexpected reaction.
Love you, all the best"
With that letter I put up a boundry and my little inner child finally had someone protecting her. It sounds so kooky to say but I feel safe and free now because I gave him my terms and he can reject the terms or not but I'm safe.
The next day when he was told not to reply I got a message that was just 8 smile faces in the subject line signed Dad. Building something outside his wife's control will be a big decision. The first two times I saw him after 20 years he had to phone her after 15 minutes to wake her up(breakfast) and we were only out 45 minutes she is controlling but it's always been his decision to let her control him. I'm not holding my breath or worried I just feel better. What ever will be, will be kind of vibe.
He's been away likely is processing, has sent me a few pictures not much text but I noticed the pictures are sent only to myself, my sister and his two sisters not wife's family so they are getting a separate email. That extreme separation isn't necessary but the effort is appreciated.
Either way I'm not worried. I've got my own back now. He can't throw me away again because I've made my terms clear. He can decline my terms and that is totally acceptable and forgivable, perhaps even ... totally fine with me.
Anyways thought you might enjoy the conclusion of the drama, and I greatly appreciate all your love, empathy, kindness, insight, guidance, friendship, support.... I could just keep going. You people here are miracles each and every one of you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - smc - 12-16-2016
wonderful thread from everyone involved
I've recently had a similar experience with family after I thought we had (recently) resolved things a bit - and the abuse - the shock of new forms of it - renews and reopens lifelong crushing heartbreak...
I've done a similar calm dignified removal of myself from the situation, like you have Glow - from recent new abusive interactions...
this is extremely hard for me to do as I've moved 830km away from their city and (my parents) are now 83 and 94... though they're strong and in good health - but unfortunately very toxic... my (only) sister has been out of contact for over 10 years and her 3 children who loved me as children are now grown up strangers who also ignore me... (she chose my parents over supporting me)
the hardest part is my parents are also (in ways) very lovable, wounded people who I'm also incredibly fond of...
I counsel my adult self... but the 'child me' is still heartbroken, almost suicidal...
your reaction was amazing Glow - incredibly authentic, pure, and self caring/self respecting
members replies to you are wonderful in their wisdom and usefulness.
families can be so brutal - they can contaminate and cripple us sometimes for life...
I'm working hard to set myself free... and recently have made good progress in saying (almost) a permanent goodbye to them (entire family)
This will be another lonely Christmas - but I'm happier without the abuse. And never truly 'alone' (my smc
) are with me 24/7 fortunately
RE: How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced - Jade - 12-19-2016
Hey Glow. I'm all too familiar with this. I'll share my thoughts/recent catalyst:
My father "officially" (written) disowned me about 4 years ago, with the caveat that I'd be allowed back into the family when I divorced my husband. Of course, this wasn't quite official because I was still very close with my grandma (seeing her several times a week) and renting her house. He gradually changed that. Once he and my aunt successfully chased us out of town, and upon settling in to our new place we were STILL getting harassing messages from them threatening us with legal action over peanuts, we changed our number and officially went "no contact" and didn't look back. The main casualty was my relationship with my grandma, as she lived with my aunt so there was no way I could contact her without my aunt getting my new contact information and thereby having a means to continue harassment.
It's been about 4 months now since I officially cut the cord (pun intended) and went no contact with my mother. It was harder because my mother was always needier than my dad and so had legitimate reasons to call on me at times. Currently, she's in prison. She was still crossing many lines in prison (dozens of calls a day, giving my contact info out to strangers/family members who I explicitly didn't want to have it, and them subsequently hitting me up for money/favors she promised...) and finally I just decided I was done with her games and stopped responding. It's been a bit stressful, but she's given up now so life has been quiet.
Until a week ago. My grandmother passed. The only person in my immediate family who ever treated me with kindness or respect - and that may seem like an exaggeration but it isn't. She taught me what maternal and unconditional love meant. However, she was never able to protect me from them - to her, they could ultimately do no fault. I take the most comfort that she is now free of the abuse of her narcissistic, thieving offspring.
No one on my father's side of the family even reached out to me. In a way, that hurts, of course - but in another way it is liberating. In a way I'm free. I had anxiety often about how/when to contact my grandmother, how to protect myself from the aftermath. If I would ever see her again. This is resolved, and I find that I've already spent significant time mourning that piece of my life. My ex-step-brother told me kindly, and my mother's aunt (who I haven't seen/spoken to since I was a child) sent me a very hateful Facebook message after calling me twice from a blocked number without leaving a message.
And, of course I struggle. I struggle with abandoning my family, I struggle with the mythology they have created of me to turn me into such a monster. But there is something I've been using to comfort myself lately, and as it often is it is the idea of courting the maiden. Ra says that "the right-hand and left-hand transformations of the mind may be seen to differ by the attitude of the conscious mind towards its own resources as well as the resources of other-selves." I think we, at least myself especially, forget to consider that my entity in its entirety is also a maiden who deserves to be courted, and treated lovingly as so. Would you force such things upon a maiden - that is, to unremittingly forgive the lifelong abuses of certain people? Would you force your maiden into a pit of vipers, those lashing out the moment you approach? Or even worse, those vipers who will purr like kittens until you get close enough, and then make their strike. (My mother and sister would be of the latter type, my father more of the "lash out at everyone/everything" type) This is not a reasonable expectation to make upon anyone.
So, while it feels service to self to isolate oneself from your family, it's only service to self in the purest way, in that you are showing compassion for the self - compassion for the self that has likely been lacking from many sources. Many 6th density Wanderers are incapable of programming catalyst where they dislike anyone else very intensely, so they program catalyst that causes a deep dislike for the self in order to learn to overcome with love. This is also the type of catalyst that can be chewed on for a whole incarnation - even after you divorce yourself from them, the trauma lingers to be worked with, and each time we look upon the past with new eyes we can move forward with new eyes, too.
I think it is indicative of an orange ray blockage to hold the family to different standards than those of other people. Most people know better than to stay at a toxic work place with a boss who only uses you, but we make excuses for allowing our families to treat us poorly. If we are all of One, then families shouldn't get special concessions on abusing us.
Some of us, and I know this very distinctly now, have the life pattern of balancing wisdom over love, and not allowing the self to martyr for false causes. Martyring the self for the family is a social construct that holds us back. If you feel good setting boundaries and feel even better the longer the boundaries are in place, this is not a bad thing. Especially if you've made forays into joint healing - as it seems like you have. I know that game, too, it's also an abuser's game - pretend to be remorseful but when it gets too real, revert to the original configuration. For both of my parents, drugs and addictions are a constant battle, and at this point in their lives I believe significant brain damage has occurred. My father's extreme vilification of me began after he started smoking larges amounts of spice/K2/synthetic marijuana. My mother has been a meth addict for most of my life. These are chemical imbalances and deep rooted natures that are difficult to overcome with love and light. I spent 27 years or so trying. Then, I realized, it's not my job to fix their faults, especially their lack of love for me. I have to find my own worth, despite them. Maybe, in the end, that is what will be a beacon to them - but maybe more likely is that the beacon I am cultivating is not for them, but for the many others who I can reach out to and affect with my love.