How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced

[Glow]

So bad episode tonight.

It was the first time in over 20 years I saw my father on his birthday.
He disowned me at 17 via a letter when he married his third wife and moved on to building a life with her teenaged kids because she didn't really want us around. It sucked it f***** me up for a long time but I forgave them for being who they were and understood it's just their path and part of mine. It was a rough go though as when he left originally I was 4 and he left me with a very unstable woman who abused us and tried to kill all three of the children he/they had.

So anyways 20 years later I figured I'd give him another shot, it's been slow and ok but tonight sucked. His wife still wants me not around and he is not fighting her very hard but he asked so I try and have no expectations.

I literally need nothing from him and have been calm and balanced about everything.

Tonight however we were at his... well his wife's daughters palve with her kids who all had the benefit of his love, care and protection through their life.

I'm so sorry for the pain you must have gone through as a child.

They are family, I am not. I was fine, calm even. It all worked out for them and while I never had a family I learned a lot and became ME which rocks.

I get that.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I was ecstatic at 18 to leave home and live my life the way I wanted to. It was very empowering and I said the very same thing—that my childhood made me who I was and that I was stronger/more independent/more X because of it.

End of the night her kids are gone it's just him, his wife, the daughter and myself and she starts the diatribe of explaining all the private jokes between them and all the things I wouldn't know then apologized for calling home dad. I handled it well, I stated the truth we all knew " he is your dad more than mine" ha ha ha they all laugh. I'm still calm and ok.

I think she was trying to effect me because then addressing only me she went through all the cards from her kids and told me not anyone else what a great grandad and dad he is how he does anything for them and they are so lucky. It went on and on then suddenly time stopped. I stood up and apologized but said "I have to go this is enough I'm happy you all have each other and built a family but I can't handle watching the parade of who all was loved by him when I wasn't"

I left. I'm mortified I lost my cool, I'm mortified I interrupted their evening and oh dear god at his birthday. Truth is I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I truely am happy for them. I just couldn't sit through that further.

That you are happy for them is a compassionate state of being.  

I don't know you, but if I were you I might consider your next words: I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not sad. You as an adult are intellectually capable of viewing the situation this way, but the child you were wasn't. The emotional reaction you had speaks to being triggered. What may have been triggered is the encapsulated pain of abandonment etc. you felt as a child.

So obviously I need to grow further but I don't see how. It was emotionally charged but I'm not even sure what the emotion was but not needing what I lost rubbed in my face. So how do I heal this when it doesn't hurt?

You might consider turning this on its head and thanking the daughter for bringing this to your attention—from a higher perspective as she obviously did not intend to help you consciously.

"...obviously I need to grow further." None of it is your fault and we all need to grow further all the time. I think what you might be feeling is to grow to be able to deal objectively or non-reactively with this type of encounter.

One way to do this and dissipate the emotional charge, is to consider the child you were who was not nurtured and loved unconditionally. The thing is, no matter how advanced a being one is, being here in 3D adds a physical body and all that goes along with it to the mix. We have brains and they function in a certain way. Survival instinct in humans includes the ability to cordon off, so to speak, emotional pain. It gets encapsulated and protected from consciousness. That's one of the reasons we can be triggered at times and not understand why.

One thing I would look for at this time, is perhaps some dreams of your father because of this recent highlight. You might gain some insight from them.

If what I have said does not resonate with you, disregard.

If it does, John Bradshaw has some wonderful books on healing the inner child.

It's interesting you bring this up because last night I think was the first time I ever understood the inner child stuff, and protecting /nurturing your own inner child.

I think me leaving vs going out of body further was the first time I ever protected her appropriately.
I could always see people's pain and reason for things even as a little kid so I always endured instead of protecting myself. I did last night. I got "her" out of there.

Later in the night I couldn't sleep but I had a weird simultaneous sence of both protecting her and being protected by me. Too complex for my brain to explore to far but the sensation was there.

There is always more to grow and while I'm not sure I thank her for her behaviour it did show me I am still capable even in the moment to feel compassion for her current state of being that she needed to do that, maybe in a few days I will get to the greatful part.

Thank you Diana