black loneliness

[anagogy]

today my chest is caving in, perpetually folding in on itself from the loneliness. a literal shriveled blackness that relentlessly absorbs me from the inside.

no physical contact with humans for a year and a half

no friends. if this is self-pity, im glad ive staved it off for so long.

That can be a rough situation sjel. I've been there, many times. I feel for you. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, but use it as a place to pivot to a new experience. All emotions are acceptable and proper at different points in time, but you don't want to make a home out of the negative range.

You have a choice. You can continue to focus on where you are (which from your description doesn't sound like it is wanted), or you can focus on where you want to be.

Do you know what the very first manifestation of your thoughts is? Emotion. That is the very first manifestation that all the other, more tangible/physical, experiences begin to congeal around. Emotion tells us where we are focused, it is like the preview manifestation for what is coming up in the future.

If you can manage the magical trick of focusing more on where you want to be, than where you currently are, you are going to be surprised to find your emotions change to a more positive state. That is your preview, like the waft of scent from a freshly baked pie, of the new future you have in store for yourself. And if you can manage the yet still greater magical trick of *keeping* your attention there more often than not, you will begin to see synchros in the direction of what is wanted lining up. With enough practice you don't have to consciously think about keeping your attention there, it becomes subconscious and automatic (this is what happens when you accept a new reality and "believe it").

This is all easier said than done, and I failed at this stuff for a long time before I attained even a small degree of success with it. So don't beat yourself up if it doesn't all click immediately, but you have power to change. What you are really seeking, at a deep level of your being, is transformation. That is what all this catalyst is for.

You don't have to force the circumstances to change. It is simply a reflection of your vibration. A lot of people think they have to force change ("make it happen"). If manifestation worked that way, well, it wouldn't be very much help would it? Simply hold onto the end feeling (though, I'm gonna tell you right now, straight up, that at first it is like trying to hold onto a very slippery fish). The other variables will gradually coalesce into observable form. You will feel impulses to do certain things, and they will feel natural, and they will lead to what you are looking for.