I feel compelled to respond fully to the OP. This is as much for myself as it is for you.
I see a great many parallels to my own life and my awakening in the description of your current state of being. For instance, I too went through a stage where I did not see any point in life and was extremely depressed and suicidal. When I first awoke in the summer of 2011, I thought I had conquered my depression but I realized later that I had not. I was extremely emotionally wounded whether I noticed it or acknowledged it consciously. I did not heal myself until the first half of 2013. Its difficult for me to explain how that happened other than to say I no longer depend on the circumstances of catalyst to dictate whether I am happy or not. At this point, I am no longer depressed but now suffer from anxiety / panic attacks (although I have progressed quite a bit lately) and am experiencing physical issues.
A few specific parallels: I was obsessed with the idea of living in a post-apocalyptic society (especially zombies) since I was a teenager. I loved almost all media relating to that. I would very frequently have dreams where I was fighting off zombies in the apocalypse. I realized later (for me at least) the zombies represented most of society that constantly tried to force their own ignorant ideals and insecurities on me. However, most do so through well intentioned slavery. Since then, the zombie dreams have stopped and I no longer feel drawn to post-apocalyptia. I even used to love Nine Inch Nails. I like them now but no longer relate to the music (with the exception of Right Where it Belongs). I have noticed I enjoy depressing music when I am depressed.
I said this post was a much for myself as it was for you because I believe in accepting and integrating all experience. It has not been a very long time since I was depressed and wounded, so when I read something like this my knee jerk reaction is to try to run from it (from myself). I still need to do quite a bit of integration work. So you are being an extremely valuable mirror for me at the moment. I thank you and hope you find the will to heal yourself.
I see a great many parallels to my own life and my awakening in the description of your current state of being. For instance, I too went through a stage where I did not see any point in life and was extremely depressed and suicidal. When I first awoke in the summer of 2011, I thought I had conquered my depression but I realized later that I had not. I was extremely emotionally wounded whether I noticed it or acknowledged it consciously. I did not heal myself until the first half of 2013. Its difficult for me to explain how that happened other than to say I no longer depend on the circumstances of catalyst to dictate whether I am happy or not. At this point, I am no longer depressed but now suffer from anxiety / panic attacks (although I have progressed quite a bit lately) and am experiencing physical issues.
A few specific parallels: I was obsessed with the idea of living in a post-apocalyptic society (especially zombies) since I was a teenager. I loved almost all media relating to that. I would very frequently have dreams where I was fighting off zombies in the apocalypse. I realized later (for me at least) the zombies represented most of society that constantly tried to force their own ignorant ideals and insecurities on me. However, most do so through well intentioned slavery. Since then, the zombie dreams have stopped and I no longer feel drawn to post-apocalyptia. I even used to love Nine Inch Nails. I like them now but no longer relate to the music (with the exception of Right Where it Belongs). I have noticed I enjoy depressing music when I am depressed.
I said this post was a much for myself as it was for you because I believe in accepting and integrating all experience. It has not been a very long time since I was depressed and wounded, so when I read something like this my knee jerk reaction is to try to run from it (from myself). I still need to do quite a bit of integration work. So you are being an extremely valuable mirror for me at the moment. I thank you and hope you find the will to heal yourself.
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