Polarity

[xise]

In the end it's all about vibrating at the level that's comes naturally to you, with great honesty.

Why is that?

I can only speak from experience I gathered in my journey, but without great honesty it was hard to differentiate between the desires of my mind/ego, and the natural vibration of my being.

My mind/ego, being more of a product of society, parents, culture, peer influences, wanted one thing, and I naturally vibrated at another. Because I was not honest with where my desires lay, and where these feelings came from, it took me much more time to discover where my deep being lied on the scale of selfishness versus selflessness. I basically grew up with a deep part of me being very unconditionally loving, and yet my mind/ego which wanted to dominate and have power. Because I did not properly analyze with honesty where these came from, I choose a path where I attempted to become more negative. This failed miserably in terms of bringing peace to my being, and it was only after the increased discomfort I felt in being very selfish for a period of years that I realized my error.

In the end, I always felt different. Before, I used to think I felt different because there was a struggle in me for pure power, and there was a part of me that just wanted to love and accept all. I felt it was this internal struggle that set me apart from other lawyers, who were purely about power (for the most part). So I attempt with great focus to become purely selfish. I felt like s***, but my mind/ego reassured me because it succeeded in material goals - I won more cases, I bullied more opposing attorneys, I got more respect from certain colleagues, I moved up faster in the office, I was seen as more alpha and dominating and that was a good thing. At some point, I realized that the reason I felt like crap and this did not bring me happiness was because I got my egoic desires mixed up with my true being, and that it was being peaceful and loving that brought me happiness even if it resulted in less material things such as success - cases won, respect in the office, and being less of an icon.

The lack of honest probably delayed my conscious and active positive polarization by at least 5 years. On the other hand, there are no mistakes, and looking back things occurred exactly as they needed to occur for me to get to where I am now. I only wonder if I had been introduced to the concepts of this thread, among many others on the forum, whether I would have made the realization earlier. But I suppose there is a certain surety and strength of actual experience of a catalytic lesson that will hopefully ensure such confusion will be less likely to happen in any future incarnation!

The mind/ego is quite a seductive creature. It will tell you what you want to hear, what you desire to hear, all the while making you believe that this is truly what you want...of this, I feel I have learned the hard way. I try to take with great skepticism anything my mind/ego desires, as that has helped me with being honest with the self.

In any case, all is well, I suppose