A story I didn't want to share.

[Aion]

Your wisdom aligns with my feelings.  Turning issues like bad behavior into nonissues has been a major thing I've noticed I've had to deal with in my life.  My father made his drinking a nonissue because it wasn't an issue to him.  It was to us because he'd become abusive and he didn't care to notice.

Invalidating a real problem is abusive in my experience.  A tool to silence rather than anything else.

CA has done the same and he's no saint, but he turned things like polarity into a nonissue and all it did was make things worse for him.  He turned his mother into a nonissue and things got worse.  Saying something that isn't okay IS, that's dangerous.  It's not okay when people are abused, or hurt, especially in a place that expresses itself as a place of love which equates it to a safe place for some.

If I came here believing this place was a safe place, my replies would be greatly varied, I'd be more open about myself, share about myself, but I do not believe this is a safe loving place.  I think you've all deluded your views of this place because you love this place.  It's like how I just want to stroke the ego of CA to make him feel better and more mundane than stroking his beliefs.  He wants to believe but it just hurts him, sometimes he needs to be reminded he's just a human, nothing more, nothing less.  Not a soul or consciousness underneath filters of perception, just a human with a lot of beliefs.

It grounds him, and he can't ground himself for some reason I can't make sense of.  I just assume when your mind runs like a super computer the humanity gets lost in there...

I see many turn blind eyes here.  That the view of acceptance here is in an absolute manner does not align with my understanding of this material.  To accept someone hurting you just because 'its the right thing to do' doesn't mean it is actually the right thing to do.

I'm sure that is especially true if the person hurting you has no awareness of the consequences they're inflicting upon you.  Planned or spontaneous, hurting someone is not acceptance, letting yourself get hurt is not acceptance.

You can accept something and still attempt to not be harmed by it.  Just like I accept this place is as it is, that doesn't mean I just say 'kay' whenever harmful energies come my way because I accepted they exist here.

For all of you that see nothing with what this place has done negatively to others, I will especially ask true love to illuminate you for my avoidance.

Aion you don't need to apologize!  You didn't change the context, conversations evolve and the subject did move onto you.  I'm not gonna attention ----- myself lol, I like a shifting spotlight.  Plays need them to get the focus across haha!

And life is a play so they say.  So you have no need to apologize.

I will admit, I was hit with a twinge of anxiety clicking on this thread and other replies to me.  I don't want to fight or argue as much as just inform.  I'm not here to stay so I'm not going to expend my emotions here like he did.  I'm just on a mission of mercy to find answers for someone I love.

That such a journey brought me here, I get a good laugh out of it.  Exploring the fallacies and issues of a loving place (since it's not a forum or a cult according to community members) has really made me recognize my own love and wisdom compared to my dark love and wisdom...  I do not believe I understand, I just feel that I must take these sides of my love and wisdom, and combine them into their true part since light and dark are components of trueth (made up word, think of it as if truth has a sleuth of parts that needed to come together to manifest it).

Beyond that, truth seems to exist in all parts, like love and beauty.  In my anger is truth.  In my joy is truth.  In my pain is truth.  In my healing is truth.  In all of these things, to unify them was to manifest their truth.  And of what little trueth I've found, belonged to my love for CA, and my hate for the male gender.  Belonged to my selfishness discovering something that finally made it not act only for itself.  Belonged to my suffering finding healing.  To my frustration finding tranquility.

To me, I am just a clueless bumbling confused human enjoying the mysteries of life and the serendipitous ways of god.  I am fallible, I scream and hit and yes. I bite and scratch.  I am a monster in one part, and a sacred divine being in another.

When Ra said are we not all things, I was surprised to find that I am.  I'm the rock on the trail, the tree in the greenery, the running water of a lake, my emotions mimic these things and stem from life itself, my sadness shines like the moon, my joy rains down on me like a downpour.  My silence is still as the rock and my mind's eye is fluttering about like a butterfly.

When I come here I feel moved by the war of energy here.  I enjoy the show, it is entertaining, but I have to put down my smile to this place and remember why I'm here.  This place drove someone down the road to suicide, the keys to that cause still lay within this place.  I'm just here to dig them up, I'll enjoy myself still but ultimately my time here is temporary, so everyone who may have an issue with my issues here, worry not for I will not be around forever.

I believe nothing here will change, having seen the stuckness of the energy that sits over this community, the 'egregore' as this place seems to call it.  It is like the show Catdog, two totally different beings attached as one, both pulling their own way.  Result is a tug of war.  End result is a place as seen now, a loving community that drove someone to attempt suicide.

Seems clear as quartz to me.

I think there may be more to your visit here than just learning about C_A (I know his real name, I just don't use it for his privacy). I'm not saying that for "woo" effect, I am just not generally someone who believes in coincidences. Perhaps things won't change here, I guess time will tell, but if there's one effect I know this place has is that it tends to be very revealing and raises a lot of internal dialogue in people.

Egregore is actually an old occult word and isn't actually commonly used around here so much. I actually don't really study the Ra Material anymore, I haven't read over it in years and my interest is more in old world philosophy and paganism. So, for me, my participation here is sort of skewed since I understand most of these things through a different lens than the material. However, despite not really 'supporting' the material, I still feel drawn here to help. Maybe I'm just a sucker for challenges.

The way I see the energetic space of the forum is like a giant glass wall that is made of a two-way mirror. If you are on the outside you just see yourself and it appears there is little going on inside. However once you step inside you can no longer see outside and instead of just your own reflection things become chaotic with everybody's reflection. It is something of a psychic prison it seems at times. Nearly impossible to see by those who are so immersed in its moving reflections. That's not to put down anybody's power of perception but rather to point out the subtlety of it.

I think that you are quite balanced internally and I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope that not only for your sake but for his as well. I would like nothing more than to see him in a better place.

I would make the suggestion that a key to understanding what happened with C_A might be in putting yourself in his shoes and realizing that he actually did love this place and I think that's part of what drove him crazy about it. He loved it but it never felt right to him and he was so passionate about bringing it to the 'next level' that I think he invested so much and got so little back that he really burnt himself out.

I'm pretty sure he only had the three accounts as far as I know, I don't think he had any others. I talked to him on all three accounts so I remember a lot of what he expressed. When he left I was going through a lot of my own personal crap so I admit I wasn't able to be very attentive and now I wish I had been, but I guess what's done is done.

I hope and wish for the best for you two, I really do.

I'm not sure it's possible to unlock a deleted account. If he had just had the accounts 'Closed' it would be possible, but he had the account deleted from the system so I'm not sure there is any way to recover it. However, I would PM "SteppingFeet" to find out for sure. He is one of the core individuals running L/L so he'd be a good person to direct questions to.

[One of Love]

I just have to laugh real fast.  I've been wondering what other accounts he made here, just found it.  He really likes his first story character.

Did you know the name Van from his name actually was inspired by his favorite shoe brand, Vans?

Does anyone know if he had any other accounts??

Honestly not sure if this is a stupid or bad question.
Would it be impossible to unlock those accounts (with his permission first of course) to go through his PM's?  I'm fairly certain I know what password he used here  at least for his CA account but if not I think I can get them out of him.

If you get his permission why go through the PMs? Just ask him.

I think what you are doing is kind, but you should focus more on him now rather him of then.

Lend your ear to listen to him, be a shoulder to lean for him, and a kind heart to warm him up.

I believe, in time he will open up to you and tell you all about the adventures that he has had.

If you dig up too much without his permission who knows how it will affect him.  :-/

Oh my lord, I didn't even think about that.  Or That!!

I am spending every day with him now, as long as I can.  He knows I care deeply for him as of this afternoon and...

I am embarrassed.  I can sit with abusive people and not be bothered by them, but you sit me in front of CA and I go timid until he starts getting uppity, then I nurture, but I'm too afraid to tell him how I feel because I don't want to be rejected by him.  In that same light, I'm timid about telling him I'm here because I worry if it will upset or worry him somehow.  But the longer I keep this from him will probably make a potential bad outcome worse.

I will consider asking him about his PM's once I work up the nerve to tell him I'm here.

(Oh god just thinking about how to tell him is making me sweat!) (Do I say I joined to find out what's hurting him? How do you even tell someone you're stalking their old forum activity on a spiritual site to discovery what it was that is hurting them so bad to this day??)

-panicking-

Ahhhhh what if just doing this behind his back makes him feel like he can't trust me?!!  I did not think this through...  I was being too selfish.  I need to tell him today.

I'll make sure to pass on the messages some of you asked of me, if he takes it well.

@Aion
(Sorry for not quoting)

Your analogy sounds good to me, but I can assure you I'm indifferent about this place with a bias towards disliking it.  When you read a 48 page (twenty of which belonged to his last attempt) novel of him monologing the reasons he's killing himself and ten of those pages were his struggles with what he picked up from 'B4' including such things like saying 'she told me about her friend who committed suicide in a beautiful place and made me realize killing myself in a garage was akin to dying in a cage of darkness, she showed me how I should kill myself, and she never seemed bothered by her helping me, maybe she didn't realize but considering how dark she felt about herself I'm sure she knew what she was doing by telling me what she did.'

You can't exactly blame me for being biased the way I am.  Pages of screaming incoherently in writing about immorality, catalyst, polarity, creator, with it all coming down to experiences that painted him here that he vaguely described focusing on the content instead.  Typing in all caps about how free will is a lie and life is an excuse to torture the self for the souls gain at the selfs loss and how that was a proof due to the balance in that logic.  You could tell it was a mental breakdown because his logic was gone, replaced with his beliefs that tear him apart.

I will not blame this place however, only hold it partially responsible, there is no blame to be handed out here.  I am not here to blame, I am here to facilitate his healing by discovering the beliefs he has that he WON'T share (he says he doesn't want me to follow the same things he ended up following), so he gives me his pre2015 understanding he had and refuses to explain his current beliefs unless they align with what he wanted me to take away.  I've had to piece it together from the parts he's revealed to me accidentally from his outbursts.  I've been patient and respected his wishes, but it's time to learn what kind of monstrous things he has going on inside of him that he'd see himself only as bad when he's extremely far from it.

I won't need to PM steppingfeet (funny name lol), I should probably respect other's privacy and just ask him.

If you could help me out by showing me any posts of his you think might help my endeavor, it'd speed things up a lot for me.  A lot of his posts do show me he loved this place, he shared himself to an embarrassing degree here.

So Van, TPP, and CA are the only accounts.  Okay!

[One of Love]

....................

Oh no, I just realized when I tell him I'm here, if he comes to look he'll realize how I feel................

-deep breathes-

I'll just have to tell him.  Ahhh but!  But!!!  Ahhhhh!!  It's time one way or another, I see I totally cornered myself with this situation!!

Oh Lord.  Help this stumbling fool not mess this all up!

[Aion]

I will do some digging and see if I can pull up some posts that I feel were reflective of how he really felt when he wasn't upset or in a tortured state.

You got this, let your heart guide you, it knows the way and is leading you well. It may not always seem that way, but call me someone with a lot of faith. Your love is your shadow right now, bring it in to the light and he will see it too. Just don't back down. If there's one advice I feel I can give when working with him is to let your love shine as bright as possible. It will take time. He might not get it at first, but I think what he really needs is just a continuous example of caring in his life. I feel ashamed that we did so poorly at that, but hopefully some of us have learned.

[Aion]

He was always very playful when he was in a good mood and you can see it from his first posts here how excited he would get sometimes. That same intensity then seemed to get more depressed with each account. (Also, sorry C_A for going all private investigator, I always liked you and I think your posts are worth sharing again either way.)

These he made in the Treehouse as VanAlioSado.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11309
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11067
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11018
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=10806

Then he switched to The_Tired_Philosopher. Some of these may seem 'mundane', but I find it is those kinds of moments which really show how a person is in their normal state. He was always thirsty for information and had often perused very dark material before.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11520
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11541
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11594
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11627
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11670 This one is where he really starts to feel exhausted it seems. It is perhaps notable it came a short while after he made the previous thread regarding an "Orion" site.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11833
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11663
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=11523
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=12212

https://www.bring4th.org/forums/forumdis...tecut=9999

I'd work your way from here up to the first page reading his threads. I always felt he was the most 'natural' when he was posting in the Treehouse because it is somewhat more casual. I linked you all the threads there as VanAlioSado, then the switch to TTP, and then eventually it switches to C_A. I would check out all his Treehouse posts.

He always wanted to interact and get close on a personal level and I think that really he didn't get back enough of a response. Most of the threads here rarely last more than a couple pages. The thing is that this tends to be a very casual forum and I always felt he was looking for a more invested experience. Myself being a fairly private person kind of suck at being personable in general I wasn't really able to keep up either, a lot has been going on in my own life.

Also if he ever sees this I hope he can see it that he was well remembered here in a very positive light and that he did have a good impact on the people here, even if he ended up feeling like it was a lost cause.

Here is a thread where he 'names some names' in apology, so that might be enlightening. I think it was his first in the Treehouse as C_A. Minyatur is now Elros.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=14079

In this thread he expressed the importance of meditation to him.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=15023

This is the first thread he ever made here.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=10781

Another good thread sharing his philosophy. You can see in this thread he gets a little disillusioned and ironicly enough I'm the bother. My sense of humour has never translated well through text and I used to be a little too fond of playing devil's advocate. Eventually I realized that playing devil's advocate all the time doesn't really make you any different from the devil itself. So, I don't do that so much anymore. You can see though here how what he was desiring and what was happening in the community was at odds.
However, there is also a post where he mentions that he 'doesn't know whats been up' with him and that he had been irritable.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=12197

Here you can see where his philosophy was oriented earlier on and his thoughts on polarity.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=10907

Here is a good thread showing I think his bewilderment at the attitude that everything negative should just be accepted. This one might be very enlightening for you. In this he also recognizes the Law of One in all his past art and writings.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=15009

However he made this thread only a few days before that thread. So clearly he was fluctuating in his thoughts since in this one he talks about needing to learn from 'bad, evil, dark things'.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=14982

This was his first post when he came back as C_A.
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=14047

[Aion]

Sorry for editing the post over and over, I figured it was easier to do it all in one post.

I didn't realize until now, but I was actually the last person he replied to. I wish we could have a proper chat in person. I think that the environment of text created a lot of misunderstandings that didn't need to be there. (I'm a hell of a lot less wordy in person.) You can see he was concerned for me, even though I was already where he hoped I'd be. The hard thing about a forum like this is when you write something people often take it to be 'part' of you, but I'm someone who is never really settled in my beliefs and so went through a kaleidoscope of internal experiences that I shared here. Many of which fell away shortly afterwards. It is always hard to explain the 'current state' without people reflecting on your previous posts. Also difficult to make it clear that just because you write an idea doesn't mean it is strictly your belief. I've always found it hard to talk about ideas with people because often they mistake the discussion of ideas for an expression of beliefs.

Talking to myself now, lol.

[One of Love]

"To judge yourself is to perpetuate such pain."

I can't believe I'm reading this.  This makes things ten times worse.  He already knows...  This is bad...  What if...  He's doing this to himself on purpose?  No..  no..

I don't want to believe that.  I can't.  If he knows....  But he's still doing it...  No, no somethings very wrong here.  Those posts, so much energy, so much desire to teach and learn.  What has happened?  This is the him I see all the time that he hides from everyone else, but now to see he was aware of that self of himself, that part that keeps the cycle of his painful thoughts going.

I'm going to break it to him with his own words. These exact words.  To judge yourself is to perpetuate such pain.

I'm 100% absolutely certain now something extremely bad is going on with him, to have all the keys to the questions and answers yet to be unable to see them anymore...  It's like something has cast a spell on him trapping him in his own horrible thoughts and he's circling the drain.

Dammit.  How do you handle that?  I was wary of thinking he was under a 'greeting' because I swear he has an army of spirit guides helping him, but these pieces don't add up.  He knows, unless he forgot?  He knows...  But is choosing not to believe in his knowledge?

Oh..  what is going on with him..

I can't understand this.

Is he doing it to himself and if so, why?  Why would he purposefully do this to himself?

Oh god.  It's coming together now, a little.  More.

I'm really scared now, the things he's said recently.  He had a dream where he was suffocating.  He said it was a sign his suicide was inevitable.

Holy s*** I have to go right now.  Thank you Aion, you just handed me the keys to his problems.

I recognize this behavior, he's trying to beat around the bush with everyone about something he's already decided to do.  He has decided to die, it's the only logical explanation that would make sense to me.  f***.  His dreams solidified it to him.  f***!  He's lying about something to even himself and just choosing to accept it!

And the worst part is I know him so damn well I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON NOW

He hasn't given up, he believes he must suffer, he doesn't want 4D he wants hell because he's hating himself over beliefs and concepts!!

That f*****, he's pretending to be okay so that we all are lured into a false sense of security, and when that happens he probably already has his death planned out.

ARGHHH HE CAN BE SO FRUSTRATING.

OhHHH NOW I'M MAD, I will yank your screaming soul from hell and shove it back INTO YOUR BODY!!

Ugh.  I need to do this calm though, if I get mad with him I'll get reflected.  He's an unconscious mirror like that...

I'm going to heal you.  Just please, give in to me when I do.

[One of Love]

Okay well, Aion you'll know how things go if I do or don't ever return again after today.  I can't believe how this has all gone.  It's like a dream.  I'll have to pray, I will need every bit of my wisdom.

That fortune teller...  The dark game is his mind...  Here's the tears.  So this is his hell.  I can see why he would surrender to it...

Ra speaks of healers...  I know he once desired to be that, a healer.  How things got to this point though.  From healing to harming, purposeful mental self infliction, the kind that makes suffering you can't die from.

He's too smart for his own good.  All of my wisdom.  All of it.  Well, I'll be giving that fortune teller a future visit haha.

Thankfully he's slow to act but I'm not gonna take that chance today.  Thank you so much again!

[Aion]

Go get him, Tiger! You have all my love and luck to offer in the world. I wish you both all the best. Lux in Extensio!

[Stranger]

"To judge yourself is to perpetuate such pain."

I can't believe I'm reading this.  This makes things ten times worse.  He already knows...  This is bad...  What if...  He's doing this to himself on purpose?  No..  no..

I don't want to believe that.  I can't.  If he knows....  But he's still doing it...  No, no somethings very wrong here.  Those posts, so much energy, so much desire to teach and learn.  What has happened?  This is the him I see all the time that he hides from everyone else, but now to see he was aware of that self of himself, that part that keeps the cycle of his painful thoughts going.

I'm going to break it to him with his own words. These exact words.  To judge yourself is to perpetuate such pain.

I'm 100% absolutely certain now something extremely bad is going on with him, to have all the keys to the questions and answers yet to be unable to see them anymore...  It's like something has cast a spell on him trapping him in his own horrible thoughts and he's circling the drain.

Dammit.  How do you handle that?  I was wary of thinking he was under a 'greeting' because I swear he has an army of spirit guides helping him, but these pieces don't add up.  He knows, unless he forgot?  He knows...  But is choosing not to believe in his knowledge?

Oh..  what is going on with him..

I can't understand this.

Is he doing it to himself and if so, why?  Why would he purposefully do this to himself?

If he is suicidal, he needs to see a psychiatrist and a therapist, and he needs them right now.

This is not a diagnosis but he sounds like he has severe depression.  He is not doing it on purpose; what we know and what we feel are separate things entirely.

Do not try to figure this out or fix it yourself, rather get him professional help. 

[Aion]

"To judge yourself is to perpetuate such pain."

I can't believe I'm reading this.  This makes things ten times worse.  He already knows...  This is bad...  What if...  He's doing this to himself on purpose?  No..  no..

I don't want to believe that.  I can't.  If he knows....  But he's still doing it...  No, no somethings very wrong here.  Those posts, so much energy, so much desire to teach and learn.  What has happened?  This is the him I see all the time that he hides from everyone else, but now to see he was aware of that self of himself, that part that keeps the cycle of his painful thoughts going.

I'm going to break it to him with his own words. These exact words.  To judge yourself is to perpetuate such pain.

I'm 100% absolutely certain now something extremely bad is going on with him, to have all the keys to the questions and answers yet to be unable to see them anymore...  It's like something has cast a spell on him trapping him in his own horrible thoughts and he's circling the drain.

Dammit.  How do you handle that?  I was wary of thinking he was under a 'greeting' because I swear he has an army of spirit guides helping him, but these pieces don't add up.  He knows, unless he forgot?  He knows...  But is choosing not to believe in his knowledge?

Oh..  what is going on with him..

I can't understand this.

Is he doing it to himself and if so, why?  Why would he purposefully do this to himself?

If he is suicidal, he needs to see a psychiatrist and a therapist, and he needs them right now.

This is not a diagnosis but he sounds like he has severe depression.  He is not doing it on purpose; what we know and what we feel are separate things entirely.

Do not try to figure this out or fix it yourself, rather get him professional help. 

Not sure if you've been keeping up with the thread, but he just got out of suicide watch where he was with professionals. I think part of the issue there is that they live in America where a psychologist/psychiatrist can be incredibly expensive so it's not always an easy option to just go peruse. I mean you're in the USA too so you'd know.

I absolutely agree with you, just saying, it might not be that straight forward.

[Stranger]

Ah, I missed that part. If you're poor in the USA you are eligible for Medicaid which pays for you.

[One of Love]

Hi everyone, I'm at CA's house, we just got done fighting and making up, he read everything here and was extremely upset at me but.

Well he wanted to say one thing to you all, but well...  Here it is...

He wishes you all the best, but would like you all to energetically cease and desist, he said he would've deleted every post here if possible like others have to severe the cord of energy linking him here, and he directly blames this place, it's community, and L/L for showing him what true darkness is.......  He will never return and is extremely upset that I've exposed myself to this place even for his benefit.

Plus side I have a boyfriend now though!  And further plus side he has admitted and confirmed what I thought, and apologized for lying to me and was surprised I figured it out.  Then not surprised when he read how.

He however refuses to get 'fake professional' help and says he would honestly prefer letting me take a whack at his 'dark game of the mind' but only because of the love I've shared for him here, had he not known that we probably wouldn't be friends at this moment, his words.  I don't know if he's able to get on AHCCCS (Arizona's medicaid program) as they do have income requirements of which he currently would not pass, I will however look into it as he stopped his antidepressants believing he doesn't have access to them now that he's uninsured, and I'd prefer him getting back on them.

It was funny (well not really but funny in a serious way) because he was livid at first when I told him I made an account here, and then he saw I was in love with him, and he just lowered his phone and stared straightforward dumbfounded.  I was speechless (Okay I said 'I love you' as quietly as a mouse) and he just looked up at me and asked 'why'.

And I told him he knew why.  And then we started fighting because he was trying to tell me how bad of a person he was.  How he's a failure of an incarnation and all of these things and I just let him start yelling about it, trying to convince me, and in a moment of silence to respond I told him I want him to yell as much as he needs, and just like that the yelling stopped and the tears began because he realized I understand him, that all of his intentional acts to push me away only draw me in closer because I see right through him.

He's watching star trek at this moment while I respond to you guys.  He said he'll only be okay with me staying here so long as I avoid the lot of bad information harvested here.  I told him I'm only here to dig up the cause of his dark game, after that I'd like to help him finish his books and hopefully get published.

He said my way of describing the problem, his dark game, described what was happening internally dead on (and even said pun intended with a chuckle) and says having described it that way made him realize that such a dark game didn't exist in his mind, but began forming just before he showed up here.  He says he picked up something bad from a chakra session reader he contacted here, and that the reader themself (he won't say who...) accidentally brought that energy into his system.  Since then it dug it's roots in he says and now the result after a few years is the growth of that energy into an influence that drives him down roads of self infliction.

He 'posits' that the egregore is responsible and because of that he asks you all to cease and desist energetically with him so he can finally have a moment of peace internally.....  He also warned me at the first notice of such energy linking to me, we will no longer be friends.  Which I cannot accept so I too am a temporary visitor here invested in only finding the answers to better understand how to heal him.

He is very adamant that L/L is a cult and a business scheme, and because of that is very concerned for my mental health (and some other's mental health here).  For that reason he has told me he doesn't want his accounts messed with except to be deleted with all posts included on every account including his 'only' account.

Soooooooo you all probably get the idea.  I'm sorry for his attitude, he holds this place more responsible than I do for his suffering.

@Aion, those professionals in that place disturbed him greatly.  Even I noticed they talked down to him the few times I saw him interact with them.  Our healthcare system is very sick.

[Aion]

I don't think a better outcome could have been asked for. I understand where he's coming from and I respect his feelings. I have a pretty strong hunch I know exactly what he 'picked up' and the energy that is there, but I don't think he'd trust me to be any help at this point. I'm happy you were able to get through to him and that sucks that the 'professionals' dealing with him were of poor quality.

I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to interact with him, maybe to apologize directly, but wherever you guys end up I wish all the best for you. He was severely traumatized here, there is no doubt about that, it shouldn't have happened that way but it did and we can only do our best to make sure it never happens again.

I might not be able to help him directly, but I think I have a good idea now how to go about shifting things, I can see the aberrations in the egregore and I know now what the corruption is. Maybe too late to be of benefit to him, but hopefully I can clear that influence to stop this 'game' once and for all.

Thank you for your presence and coming here, risking yourself and your relationship with him to help him. Not only have you helped him, but you've helped me too.

I'll always have love for him, but I'll try not to 'send' it over. I know what it's like being battered by too many vibrations at once. Not fun.

Also, unfortunately it's not possible to delete all the posts on an account. An account can be deleted but the posts remain. The only way would be for him to go back in to his accounts and manually delete the contents of every post. I did that myself a couple times here, actually, lol.

I would like to explain about what I think has attached on to him, but I would refrain from mentioning it in public so as to not send more people off that way. I don't want you to get in trouble with him, as he might think that even just learning about it might be bad, so I'll leave it up to you if you'd like to PM me. I think it more along the lines that the same energies affected both the egregore and him. I am fairly certain I know where the influence came from.

[Stranger]

EFT and EMDR are non-drug therapies that work directly on relieving emotional distress of all kinds, and are scientifically demonstrated to be effective. Please look into them.

[Jade]

Oh wow... sorry to bump an old thread, I hope to not be disturbing the energies too much. But I can't not reply, obviously, based upon the things that have been said and assumed about me. I hope maybe my uncensored point of view can also offer a bit more clarity on this situation.

Firstly, and foremost, I want to say that I am extremely glad for CA that he now has someone who loves him, supports him, and shows him a gentle mirror. He deserves it all. Thank you for working so hard to break through his barriers. I can't express my gratitude enough.

It may be hard to believe (but maybe less so now that you've read more of his posts from the past...) but I love CA dearly and for a long time we were what I would consider close friends. I have spent much time in his energy, aching with him, feeling his despair. Was I perfect in every interaction with him? Of course not. I think you exemplified my point of view with this one exclamation:

I'm 100% absolutely certain now something extremely bad is going on with him, to have all the keys to the questions and answers yet to be unable to see them anymore...  It's like something has cast a spell on him trapping him in his own horrible thoughts and he's circling the drain.

Dammit.  How do you handle that?

This was the biggest struggle. I treated CA as an intellectual and spiritual equal, not a broken toy who needed to be handled with kid gloves. It is probably on me for not showing him more compassion in his struggle. I have been able to glorify and accept my struggle - I shouldn't always project that upon others. CA is smart, he has done a lot of work in consciousness and he understands these concepts at a core level. The Ra material speaks of those who become overeager to polarize and in the end, do energetic damage to themselves. I'm not certain this is what happened with CA, but he fits the profile. I think he, as many others, saw this material as a means to escape and transcend human suffering, the immense human suffering he has experienced in his life. The problem is, that is not what this material is for. This material is for embracing the path of suffering, for recognizing one's role as a Brother and Sister of Sorrow. I know this is dark, and it's not everyone's favorite way of interpreting this philosophy. But for me, this is the core: To accept catalyst and love it as a means of working on ourselves, and as a means of loving that which is deemed "unlovable". We are constantly increasing and testing our ability to love, even that which is dark, and most especially but most difficult to forgive and accept, those extremely dark parts within ourselves. This is how we transcend suffering: To accept even suffering as the love of the Creator, and therefore, see and grasp all catalyst and experience as love, regardless.

I tried various voices, tones, and methods of communication with him. Things would be going well, I would think we would be on the same wavelength, and then something would happen where he would lash out at me for reasons I was unable to perceive in the moment. I tried my best (and maybe failed a few times) to not lash back out at him. However, I was always firm in my beliefs without giving too much leeway and I think this is what shook him the most.

There has been a lot of discussion in this thread about what is the moderator's role for creating the proper culture on this forum. And let me tell you, this is constant catalyst to struggle with, for me and I am also guessing the other two moderators. As mentioned before, banning is not the answer - in fact, banning just encourages those who want to cause trouble to take a different persona and try to be more subtle in their next "incarnation". We delete posts that are obviously breaking the rules. With some regularity, these posts have been about me, so it becomes this horrible catch-22 where people accuse us of being "biased", but then also, people will seek out the moderators to attack because they know it will cause problems no matter what the action is taken. It is not black and white. There is so much subtle nuance that usually it involves getting to a place of "acceptance" more than anything else. I encourage anyone who sees something that they think is energetically questionable to hit the "report" button - the moderators open up a line of dialogue for every such post. Action may not always be taken, but it's always easier to feel right in that action if it wasn't just one of us "in charge" who felt something was off. Feedback from others is extremely important in this role.

Ironically to the theme of this thread, I feel like the conversations where I most upset CA were conversations that were topics that were influenced by his "Turkish friend". These forums are about 10% female, 90% male, to my best estimation - and a lot of posters here spent a good portion of their formative years on 4-chan or other similarly insular echo chambers. There is a lot of misogyny and toxic masculinity that is posted to this forum, and as a moderator and a female, I have felt like it was my role to speak up against some of the more abhorrent things that have been said. This might be a key place where CA felt a lack of acceptance from me, but also, a lot of confusion in himself based around sexuality and identity, which I truly understand and try to empathize with. I'm not just some angry feminist with an agenda. I want to see these energies balanced in an appropriate way. Hopefully you can see that by the attempts I also made with this thread: https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...?tid=14270

I appreciate Aion posting the links to the other threads, I think it helps give a lot more context to CA's interactions here on this forum. I don't mean to draw specific attention to what he said to me, but I think it is important:

Jade, again and again we meet with each other's words being twisted by each other, I originally mistook this as you gaslighting me.  It was an inappropriate judgment upon you as I now see we really just have natural areas of misunderstanding one another.  I don't know what that means, but I do know it is not fair to use this misunderstanding as an excuse to attack you  It was vastly inappropriate.  In my view, I see that you too meet pretty much everything with a very unique style that both enlightens me, and makes me jealous.  This jealousy was used by me to assault not just you, but your character.  I said some extremely hurtful things to you that cannot be undone.  I won't try to mask myself...I was jealous of the love you gave, I wanted it.  I wanted someone to speak to me with that kindness and beauty that helps your words speak to the heart and not just the ego, but more, I wanted to be able to speak as you, to be as useful as you.  In my lashing out, I feel I threw a wedge between a person who was capable of helping me help myself.  I would even call my final interactions with you as coming from an evil place within myself.  I don't expect forgiveness, I just want you to know that I regret my actions, my words, and I want to apologize for them even if such an apology pales to the extreme madness I subjected you to.  I am sorry, please do not ever let me do that to you or anyone else.
I am asking you, who is a moderator, shut me down if I lose myself like that again, ban me, discipline me, do something.  Please, please, do not let me hurt this community again.

From my perception of what happened here, he begged me to make an energetic agreement with him to not enable him, and even more specifically, to call him out when his thinking was faulty, and I attempted to keep up with that end of the bargain. Obviously, things deteriorated from there, but I can tell you with sincerity and honesty that I only ever did what I felt was the best and most loving in the moment while dealing with CA. I understand he has a lot of issues with "female authority" (rightly so, being so thoroughly abused by his mother) and this also colored our interactions starkly. I could see when this was a triggering mechanism for him, but there wasn't much I could do about that. I just did my best to not embody that energy - having also been thoroughly abused by my own mother, I sincerely hope that I don't carry that wound or energy forward. But, obviously, somewhere in my energetic make up, I do carry that trauma, and I think that was easy to react to for someone as sensitive as CA.

Anyway. I hope this can give just the slightest bit more context for energies you have been discussing here in this thread. I sincerely love CA and if there wasn't the request to energetically cease and desist, I would be praying for him in this moment and going forward as much as I can. Knowing you are there to care for him directly, One of Love, gives me hope in the eternal love of the Creator to attempt to reach those who reside in the deepest darkness. CA is a brilliant soul and I am sorry that I am not the one who could help save him, and in fact, maybe drove him to even more despair. I wish I could do something, in the now, to help. I also want to quickly mention here at the end that I NEVER spoke to CA directly about suicide or offered any "suggestions" or the like for these things, if you were assuming that maybe I played that role. I am a bit shocked that someone here would do something like that. Suicide is not supported by the Law of One philosophy - in fact, it's taught that if you commit suicide, you're just gonna come back and face the same catalyst, so you might as well figure out how to deal with it in the now instead of starting over and again letting our child selves get tortured into an energetic configuration that is conducive to our soul's growth. So, the idea that someone who engages this philosophy would say that killing yourself somewhere beautiful is more desirable than killing yourself in a car shows a great misunderstanding of some very basic core ideas. I'm very sorry that someone planted those seeds.

CA, if you are reading this at all, I am still here for you, I forgive you and I hope you can forgive me. We may never be perfect, but we can still be here for each other, and still be friends in love. You are an important part of the energetic configuration of the All and I am grateful for your presence on our planet at this time, and for your presence in my life experience as well. We still have much to learn from this "game", - I'm not going to call it a 'dark game', even though the darkness is an integral part of the game - it's just a poker hand where we must keep secrets from each other, and the dealer must also keep secrets from us. Eventually, all the cards are exposed and the game is over, and nothing exists but light and awareness. At this point we often like to hit the reset button and start a new save, because - what fun it can be to play this game with each other, to offer surprises and new awareness, and new interactions in relationships. Everything I have learned in this incarnation has been through my interaction with other selves - most of it bad, indeed. But those good moments of love and harmony... to me, make all of the bad feelings and interactions of the past worth it, because through that pain I have learned to love even more thoroughly, with more intensity. I truly love you to the core of our being, and I wish to reach out again and again to offer you healing if you seek that from me on any level.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

EFT and EMDR are non-drug therapies that work directly on relieving emotional distress of all kinds, and are scientifically demonstrated to be effective.  Please look into them.

Stranger, you may have just answered my latest questions I ha e been asking for how to release this sense of fear of my own power. I KNOW I've done something I'm having a hard time forgiving...

Whatever it is, i will use these methods to help myself release it.

Thank you for this.

[xise]

Xise, your quotes are my tools here as much as yours.  You seem to read it one way while I read it the same way I've always read it.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean but that quote is literally the one I'd have used.  I was told people here manipulate the content to fit their own views and agendas, just surprising having the first quote replied to me be taken in a weird context.  I've seen others but having it done towards me is still no less surprising.

Thank you for showing me the search function.  I read every session at that site and am aware of it.  I wish I knew how to search this site though.  The search engine is a little confusing for me.

I will just share my view of that quote.  A positive higher self doesn't mean to me a selfish entity stemming from it is selfless in polarity.  I inferred that the reasoning was that darkness is needed to better grow the light.  Both polarities at their core equal each other, but until that core is reached it would seem wise to still see them both as individuals rather than sides to the same coin.  The heads side and tails side are alone for a reason, not knowing right behind them is their opposite.  I see polarity somewhat differently from this community it would seem.  I see these views also got into his head from his journal.  Calling darkness light is just pretending to me, and is the prime tool darkness uses to confuse the light.  It would seem some of you got hit with that confusion.

Polarity is to me, the pinnacle important detail in maintaining a proper view of the perspectives given.  If light is darkness you create schizophrenic connections, to disassociate the different energy of positive and negative as equal is the same as scolding a child for doing the right thing and punishing them without reason.  Confusing right and wrong seems to be part of the subtle work of polarity.

Himmler was an STS entity and was selfish & negative per the Ra material & the quotes I posted (the higher self always aids positive polarity per Ra, and doesn't help negative polarity because its positive advice is refused, so even negative entities have positive seeming higher selves that are ignored by the negative entities).
 
The Ra material supports the notion that the paths are not equal, as STS allows for evolution up to early 6D, but only STO polarity allows full progress to mid-6D wherein polarity is eventually released. So all STS have to become STO in early 6D to advance further, and then eventually release polarity in mid-6D. This is also in the quotes I shared earlier.

The Ra material is difficult to read so it can be confusing, and I think this accounts for a lot of misunderstanding of the material by others on the forum.

[One of Love]

Thank you for the responses.

Jade, thank you for providing your views of the situation.  I know you are human and I do not hold blame on you or the founders and maintainers of this community.

I honestly actually feel sorrow for you all.  I would like to share these links with you, and ask that you as a moderator please PLEASE consider opening an investigation with the moderation and administrating team to be on watch for people being unhealthily influenced by others here by themes that seem to fall under the following:
https://www.cultwatch.com/howcultswork.html
https://www.cultwatch.com/cultic-warning-signs.html
https://www.cultwatch.com/are-you-in-a-cult.html
https://www.cultwatch.com/how-to-leave-recover.html

Please note I choose to share a Christian site and their classic perspective on cult behavior.  There's a lot of resources I could've used to say this place is a cult, but I do not think it is, rather I think this is as that site says, a positively influenced group with cult themes present.

That doesn't make this place a cult but it does give people ammunition to use against this place, and this community is still responsible for how it makes others feel at least partially.

Is it asking too much to be on the look out for those behaviors?  I know I'm new and came barging in with all of this stuff that has led to many interesting encounters, that I'm bombastic...  In ways no better, and am hypocritical.  Yet I see no concerns there because that's who I am, and I don't really embrace or deny it, I don't really know it, being myself.

I just know that something should be done when something like this happens.  At least try for me.  You say you love him, then please, also try for him.  Please, I will literally beg and grovel.  Find what it is he's warning you all about here.  For him, for others.  I am trying to...  And honestly, I could use all the help I can get.

[Aion]

I'm not gonna lie, looking through your links, particularly the second one with 'warning signs', many of their points amusingly correspond with many Christian behaviours I have seen... I don't think Christians are reallly a great authority on cults considering how the Catholic Church is one of the most dominant cults to exist in the world. Of course, there are so many different 'types' of Christian many of them disagree with eachother too. I'm not gonna get in to the way that the word 'cult' was weaponized by Christians to destroy other religious movements. Don't get me wrong, I don't think all Christians are actually like that, I just find it... ironic, I suppose. There are definitely probably better resources that could have been used to get the point across.

However, I appreciate your effort to bring to light damaging and harmful behaviours and which I think more often than not comes from sheer carelessness. I think that there is in general only two moderators who actually peruse the forum generally (the others just pop in from time to time) and I don't know if they have the sort of time to go poking through every thread looking for instigators. There is a "Report" button on every post that can be used, so that might be a good way to go to encourage more reporting on posts that seem toxic. It would definitely make it easier for the moderators to pay attention to these sorts of things I think.

Again, I think part of the diffficulty is that there are 7-8 YEARS worth of posts scattered across the forum here and there is a LOT that has been said that I don't think is at all reflective of the way things are all the time. It would be a considerable challenge to try to 'retro-purge' such things.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Umm... no offense to your religion One of Love, but...


If WE'RE a cult, what exactly does that make Christianity, hmm?

Methinks though doth project too much.

Apply that s*** tomyour own religion cause Christianiy's got WAYY more of a past history of cultish behaviour than us.

[One of Love]

Alright everyone, my time here has come to an end.  At Jade's own remark privately, since this place makes me uncomfortable I should leave.

I think CA was right in the end about this place.

I've now seen a cult of the Law of One, and I barged into to it to b**** about them causing someone I love to attempt suicide and the responses were aptly descriptive in this places modus operandi.

May true love and light find this place.  I return now to learning and living a philosophy not used as sword and shield but used to heal.

Have a wonderful autumn everyone!

[One of Love]

Oh my gosh I almost forgot to warn you all!

One member who knows the L/L group personally was known by them to be in a cult, that person put in CA's head some really dark things.

There is more going on here than you're all being told. Please be safe. Have good health. I will pray for this place to the one true lord of love.

I love you all, sorry and good bye, may we meet in better circumstances.

[Glow]

Alright everyone, my time here has come to an end.  At Jade's own remark privately, since this place makes me uncomfortable I should leave.

Don’t take it personally that just sounds like good advice.
This place offers people something if it works for them. If not they are free to not partake.

It’s so far from a cult that we don’t even try to talk people out of leaving and like Jade said if a place makes you uncomfortable you should leave.

Everyone should follow that advice everywhere.

Take care and be well.

[Relax]

Alright everyone, my time here has come to an end.  At Jade's own remark privately, since this place makes me uncomfortable I should leave.

Don’t take it personally that just sounds like good advice.
This place offers people something if it works for them. If not they are free to not partake.

It’s so far from a cult that we don’t even try to talk people out of leaving and like Jade said if a place makes you uncomfortable you should leave.

Everyone should follow that advice everywhere.

Take care and be well.

wait up....how do we know that's actually what Jade said?

we only have 'word of mouth' of that - as a mod Jade probably wouldn't have said that - maybe discussed that could be a persons choice... but directly advising to leave? - imo there's emotional manipulation in saying she definitely said that - so unless Jade corroborates she actually said that...I'm holding off further comment

[Jade]

Here is the excerpt from the PM One of Love is referring to:

It has been referred to as an egregore ("thought form") but I do not think that is giving it the type of power or recognition it deserves. Throughout the channeling of the Ra material, there were negative entities that Ra spoke of whose job it was to try to distort Carla and the rest of the group so that sessions were impossible. And they, unfortunately, succeeded quite often. Not only are there untuned but magically viable entities who come here with good intentions who go awry, there are obviously those who come here -just- to disrupt the energies of harmony that they find sickening. Our philosophy says this is catalyst for love and acceptance. As stewards and moderators, we have an obligation to not be hypocrites. Obviously if the energies are too disruptive, or it's obvious that the post is just to disrupt or sow disharmony, then we can make an easy call. But it is our view that these entities need love, acceptance, and healing, and not rejection. If these energies make others who post here uncomfortable, they are free to leave any time. I really do wish we could "clean house" but we also have to honor the intentions of this forum: To be a landing space for wanderers to commune with each other. Some of them arrive full of optimism - much like CA - and go down hill later. We can't assume that they won't find their way back.

[Agua]

removed

[Patrick]

Alright everyone, my time here has come to an end.  At Jade's own remark privately, since this place makes me uncomfortable I should leave.

...May true love and light find this place...

Have a wonderful autumn everyone!

 
Thank you and much love and light to you as well. 
 

[Glow]

Alright everyone, my time here has come to an end.  At Jade's own remark privately, since this place makes me uncomfortable I should leave.

Don’t take it personally that just sounds like good advice.
This place offers people something if it works for them. If not they are free to not partake.

It’s so far from a cult that we don’t even try to talk people out of leaving and like Jade said if a place makes you uncomfortable you should leave.

Everyone should follow that advice everywhere.

Take care and be well.

wait up....how do we know that's actually what Jade said?

we only have 'word of mouth' of that - as a mod Jade probably wouldn't have said that - maybe discussed that could be a persons choice... but directly advising to leave? - imo there's emotional manipulation in saying she definitely said that - so unless Jade corroborates she actually said that...I'm holding off further comment

I know Jade well enough to know if she said it, it wasn't in a snide way.
It would be meant to point out things either resonating as good for you or not and making that decision for yourself.

[isis]

thanks for sharing, One of Love