09-17-2010, 06:09 PM
i dont know where to start but firstly i'd like to say that:
ive always had severe depression and anxiety since i was very very young
constantly feel inadequate, trying to get the attention of others (shamefully, even in manipulative ways)
ive almost always had experiences with lucid dreaming
when i would wake up as a child, i would have a sense of sadness and seperation, for i felt that
my dreams were reality and reality was just a dream.
somehow when i am sad or depressed i cannot remember what it feels like to be happy or why i ever was
(i almost feel silly for ever being happy) and then when im happy i feel silly for ever being sad
the LOO has given me a sense of stability and a reason to press forward
even in reading everyones questions and advice here on bring4th, i feel so much love & compassion
i started writing down all the things that resonated within me and when im feeling low
i go back and read what it says, almost like you guys are there with me cheering me on (silly, i know!)
so my story goes:
i grew up in a small town in mississippi
raised in a cult-style church that looked down on anyone and everything
none of it ever resonated with me besides being in the presence of others that were searching for truth
lived with a loving, nurturing father that is very accepting of everyone, always guided me and had an open heart and mind
on the other hand my mother is probably the most negative person ive ever met -- always put herself first, had terrible
things to say about other people , mistreated my father, blamed their divorce on me, etc..
(looking back, i clearly see many of the reasons that i chose this incarnation, my parents were both catalysts, my father
being positive, mother being negative)
was uprooted and moved to new jersey when i was 16
became very lonely and depressed, self loathing (sometimes still am)
have always searched for something more and felt something huge and powerful inside me
ive always kept journals and looking back i always wrote "something big is about to happen, i can feel it"
i felt something extremely weird constantly running through my veins, begging to surface (still do to this day)
dont know exactly what but something led me to david wilcock
i followed his website/transcripts/videos etc on and off for about 5 years
considered myself a wanderer before ever even reading the LOO.
came across the LOO through david's work about a year ago, if that
after discovering the LOO i started having more and more synchronicities, mostly with numbers (717)
i missed days of work to stay home and read and i felt this hunger for everything i was learning.
i almost felt scared for the end of the sessions because i did not know where i would ever go from there.
i then discovered bring4th and started reading the forums, constantly,
almost shutting everything out because everything in the world seemed so pety anymore (ive never enjoyed watching tv or movies
or doing any activities that would seem "normal") im not very good at anything i do.
all my life ive just kind of existed.
i am very capable of shining my light and letting other people shine theirs in their own way,
but sometimes i become so dark and depressed its almost an obsession that i have
to try and make myself feel better or find some outside stimulus to make me feel better
(mostly something to look forward to as a means of escape from the moment)
ive always wanted to do something with music or something creative but ive never been able to.
ive only REALLY gotten into meditation recently. at first i would start letting go and then something would snap me back into reality,
either fear or sensing a presence. now i WISH i could get back to that because i am not fearful anymore. i almost beg for
a presence because i feel so lonely. i almost have a sense that i am bi polar at times because i will wake up depressed out
of my mind and then an hour later i could literally tear up from happiness and joy over something very small.
i am VERY MUCH an empath, i can sense someones internal feelings immediately (this can cause many challenges)
have only recently started trying to determine which thoughts are actually mine and which are others
(i gave up eating meat, drinking booze, etc) just trying to clear out my mind and be open and radiate love
i know these are scattered thoughts and it does not nearly or clearly encompass what im feeling or what my life has been
ive been a very positive person and also at times a very negative one (mostly internally)
i am hardly ever good enough for myself. sometimes i have even thought of suicide (just because i feel like when im depressed
my vibes are bringing down the total vibration of our conciousness which i DO NOT want to do,
other times because i simply feel like i dont deserve this life experience, that i am not good enough for life)
so basically this is my story. and im asking myself (and i guess all of you too?)
im ready! im open. i want to learn. i want to BE. i want to express myself and get rid of all this internal negativity,
because i know i cant love others and fully shine my light if i dont love myself.
ive seen the illusion break down in front of my eyes to the point that ive cried, i get synchronicites
pretty much every day. when i ask and seek, HUGE things happen in my life that i know only happened because i asked.
so my question to you all is...
what now?
-lightworker
ive always had severe depression and anxiety since i was very very young
constantly feel inadequate, trying to get the attention of others (shamefully, even in manipulative ways)
ive almost always had experiences with lucid dreaming
when i would wake up as a child, i would have a sense of sadness and seperation, for i felt that
my dreams were reality and reality was just a dream.
somehow when i am sad or depressed i cannot remember what it feels like to be happy or why i ever was
(i almost feel silly for ever being happy) and then when im happy i feel silly for ever being sad
the LOO has given me a sense of stability and a reason to press forward
even in reading everyones questions and advice here on bring4th, i feel so much love & compassion
i started writing down all the things that resonated within me and when im feeling low
i go back and read what it says, almost like you guys are there with me cheering me on (silly, i know!)
so my story goes:
i grew up in a small town in mississippi
raised in a cult-style church that looked down on anyone and everything
none of it ever resonated with me besides being in the presence of others that were searching for truth
lived with a loving, nurturing father that is very accepting of everyone, always guided me and had an open heart and mind
on the other hand my mother is probably the most negative person ive ever met -- always put herself first, had terrible
things to say about other people , mistreated my father, blamed their divorce on me, etc..
(looking back, i clearly see many of the reasons that i chose this incarnation, my parents were both catalysts, my father
being positive, mother being negative)
was uprooted and moved to new jersey when i was 16
became very lonely and depressed, self loathing (sometimes still am)
have always searched for something more and felt something huge and powerful inside me
ive always kept journals and looking back i always wrote "something big is about to happen, i can feel it"
i felt something extremely weird constantly running through my veins, begging to surface (still do to this day)
dont know exactly what but something led me to david wilcock
i followed his website/transcripts/videos etc on and off for about 5 years
considered myself a wanderer before ever even reading the LOO.
came across the LOO through david's work about a year ago, if that
after discovering the LOO i started having more and more synchronicities, mostly with numbers (717)
i missed days of work to stay home and read and i felt this hunger for everything i was learning.
i almost felt scared for the end of the sessions because i did not know where i would ever go from there.
i then discovered bring4th and started reading the forums, constantly,
almost shutting everything out because everything in the world seemed so pety anymore (ive never enjoyed watching tv or movies
or doing any activities that would seem "normal") im not very good at anything i do.
all my life ive just kind of existed.
i am very capable of shining my light and letting other people shine theirs in their own way,
but sometimes i become so dark and depressed its almost an obsession that i have
to try and make myself feel better or find some outside stimulus to make me feel better
(mostly something to look forward to as a means of escape from the moment)
ive always wanted to do something with music or something creative but ive never been able to.
ive only REALLY gotten into meditation recently. at first i would start letting go and then something would snap me back into reality,
either fear or sensing a presence. now i WISH i could get back to that because i am not fearful anymore. i almost beg for
a presence because i feel so lonely. i almost have a sense that i am bi polar at times because i will wake up depressed out
of my mind and then an hour later i could literally tear up from happiness and joy over something very small.
i am VERY MUCH an empath, i can sense someones internal feelings immediately (this can cause many challenges)
have only recently started trying to determine which thoughts are actually mine and which are others
(i gave up eating meat, drinking booze, etc) just trying to clear out my mind and be open and radiate love
i know these are scattered thoughts and it does not nearly or clearly encompass what im feeling or what my life has been
ive been a very positive person and also at times a very negative one (mostly internally)
i am hardly ever good enough for myself. sometimes i have even thought of suicide (just because i feel like when im depressed
my vibes are bringing down the total vibration of our conciousness which i DO NOT want to do,
other times because i simply feel like i dont deserve this life experience, that i am not good enough for life)
so basically this is my story. and im asking myself (and i guess all of you too?)
im ready! im open. i want to learn. i want to BE. i want to express myself and get rid of all this internal negativity,
because i know i cant love others and fully shine my light if i dont love myself.
ive seen the illusion break down in front of my eyes to the point that ive cried, i get synchronicites
pretty much every day. when i ask and seek, HUGE things happen in my life that i know only happened because i asked.
so my question to you all is...
what now?
-lightworker