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+--- Thread: my light casts a shadow inside me? (/showthread.php?tid=1584)
my light casts a shadow inside me? - lightworker - 09-17-2010
i dont know where to start but firstly i'd like to say that:
ive always had severe depression and anxiety since i was very very young
constantly feel inadequate, trying to get the attention of others (shamefully, even in manipulative ways)
ive almost always had experiences with lucid dreaming
when i would wake up as a child, i would have a sense of sadness and seperation, for i felt that
my dreams were reality and reality was just a dream.
somehow when i am sad or depressed i cannot remember what it feels like to be happy or why i ever was
(i almost feel silly for ever being happy) and then when im happy i feel silly for ever being sad
the LOO has given me a sense of stability and a reason to press forward
even in reading everyones questions and advice here on bring4th, i feel so much love & compassion
i started writing down all the things that resonated within me and when im feeling low
i go back and read what it says, almost like you guys are there with me cheering me on (silly, i know!)
so my story goes:
i grew up in a small town in mississippi
raised in a cult-style church that looked down on anyone and everything
none of it ever resonated with me besides being in the presence of others that were searching for truth
lived with a loving, nurturing father that is very accepting of everyone, always guided me and had an open heart and mind
on the other hand my mother is probably the most negative person ive ever met -- always put herself first, had terrible
things to say about other people , mistreated my father, blamed their divorce on me, etc..
(looking back, i clearly see many of the reasons that i chose this incarnation, my parents were both catalysts, my father
being positive, mother being negative)
was uprooted and moved to new jersey when i was 16
became very lonely and depressed, self loathing (sometimes still am)
have always searched for something more and felt something huge and powerful inside me
ive always kept journals and looking back i always wrote "something big is about to happen, i can feel it"
i felt something extremely weird constantly running through my veins, begging to surface (still do to this day)
dont know exactly what but something led me to david wilcock
i followed his website/transcripts/videos etc on and off for about 5 years
considered myself a wanderer before ever even reading the LOO.
came across the LOO through david's work about a year ago, if that
after discovering the LOO i started having more and more synchronicities, mostly with numbers (717)
i missed days of work to stay home and read and i felt this hunger for everything i was learning.
i almost felt scared for the end of the sessions because i did not know where i would ever go from there.
i then discovered bring4th and started reading the forums, constantly,
almost shutting everything out because everything in the world seemed so pety anymore (ive never enjoyed watching tv or movies
or doing any activities that would seem "normal") im not very good at anything i do.
all my life ive just kind of existed.
i am very capable of shining my light and letting other people shine theirs in their own way,
but sometimes i become so dark and depressed its almost an obsession that i have
to try and make myself feel better or find some outside stimulus to make me feel better
(mostly something to look forward to as a means of escape from the moment)
ive always wanted to do something with music or something creative but ive never been able to.
ive only REALLY gotten into meditation recently. at first i would start letting go and then something would snap me back into reality,
either fear or sensing a presence. now i WISH i could get back to that because i am not fearful anymore. i almost beg for
a presence because i feel so lonely. i almost have a sense that i am bi polar at times because i will wake up depressed out
of my mind and then an hour later i could literally tear up from happiness and joy over something very small.
i am VERY MUCH an empath, i can sense someones internal feelings immediately (this can cause many challenges)
have only recently started trying to determine which thoughts are actually mine and which are others
(i gave up eating meat, drinking booze, etc) just trying to clear out my mind and be open and radiate love
i know these are scattered thoughts and it does not nearly or clearly encompass what im feeling or what my life has been
ive been a very positive person and also at times a very negative one (mostly internally)
i am hardly ever good enough for myself. sometimes i have even thought of suicide (just because i feel like when im depressed
my vibes are bringing down the total vibration of our conciousness which i DO NOT want to do,
other times because i simply feel like i dont deserve this life experience, that i am not good enough for life)
so basically this is my story. and im asking myself (and i guess all of you too?)
im ready! im open. i want to learn. i want to BE. i want to express myself and get rid of all this internal negativity,
because i know i cant love others and fully shine my light if i dont love myself.
ive seen the illusion break down in front of my eyes to the point that ive cried, i get synchronicites
pretty much every day. when i ask and seek, HUGE things happen in my life that i know only happened because i asked.
so my question to you all is...
what now?
-lightworker
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - Shemaya - 09-17-2010
Hi Lightworker!
Welcome to Bring4th.
Can i give you a hug?
Thank you for sharing your story, and opening yourself up. I think you will find your path forward much easier if you can lean on others a bit for support.
I understand depression and anxiety.... have been off antidepressants now for almost 4 years. I am aware of what gets me headed in that direction.
Some truth I'd like to share....You are loved. You are worthy. There is something powerful inside you, it's the pure essence of you, the Creator.
You are serving just by BEING you
Peace and Love
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - Questioner - 09-17-2010
(09-17-2010, 06:09 PM)lightworker Wrote: i dont know where to startI think you did a great job of introducing yourself.
Thanks for joining the forum, lightworker.
I'm glad to read that the conversation has been helpful for you, even before you posted.(In case you missed my two standard disclaimers: My user name is to honor the late Don Elkins; and please only accept and use from me what resonates with you, setting aside anything else.)
In my own experience, and some other people's experience, the drive to get the attention to others comes from inadequate parental and adult attention during childhood. The child is unable to conceive or comprehend the concept that the adults they rely on are untrustworthy, unsound, inadequate caretakers.
Trying to find some cause and effect, the child can start supposing - at a mostly emotional, unconscious level - that the inadequacy of caring must be because of something defective in the child. This in turn can launch a search to be somehow so extraordinarily attention-getting that it's impossible to be overlooked.
This creates its own problems. It overlooks the possibility that the lack of attention happened because the other people's OWN problems made them inattentive. It also then creates impositions on other people who are not part of the original problem. These normally healthy people would have responded well enough to a simple smile or hello, but can get scared away by the whole fancy show... which was never needed.
If these remarks do not apply to you, please set them aside. If you think they might be fruitful for you to consider, this forum can provide moral support and assistance in that inquiry.
Given the similarities in our backgrounds, I strongly suspect that you have very weak boundaries between your own mind and other people. Sadly, I can say know well that there are few things as intrusive as an emotionally unstable, psychologically immature mother who subjects her child to cult indoctrination.
As with me, you may come out of that experience with a lot of confusion about what you actually think and feel for yourself.
Throughout much of my life, people would carelessly say things like "What you want to do is..." or "You don't feel that..." In response, I would do whatever twisting I had to to line up with their apparent proclamation of revealed truth.
It was a huge step up for me to be able to say, "Wait a minute, what I want, think and feel is something for you to ASK me about not TELL to me."
Fairy Farm Girl here has some excellent advice about freedom from psychic chords that got "plugged in" to you, or left holes in your own identity.
Once you have gained the integrity of your own self, I imagine that, like me, you will find it very important to consider whether the darkness, manipulativeness, whatever is loathsome or unlovable... has ANYTHING to do with you at all. My hunch is that the majority of those uncomfortable feelings are not actually yours.
Time to discard all this garbage from other people into a dumpster labeled "RETURN TO SENDER," a dumpster well outside the perimeter of your own mind.
You can also throw away all the disrespect of your own feelings, the judgment for no reason that how you feel should be mocked as "silly" or unworthy. Feelings just happen, the important thing is what you do in response to them. Ra has a lot to say about how to embrace those feelings so they can dissolve. Let the waves roll past you.
I see that you are doing all you can to clean up your personal environment as part of this remodeling project. Remember that when a construction site is vandalized, the shame is on the ones who polluted someone else's property. That is what happened to your mind.
Do not be harsh to yourself, just clear out the debris and build a protective fence. Nobody else has the right to decide what thoughts, feelings, or desires you SHOULD have. Even Ra merely points out opportunities to proceed with our evolution. If we don't take them, we'll simply have a longer and harder path of learning and growth. But it's still our own choice.
Once you get comfortable with handling your own feelings well, I think you won't have as much desire to escape them. You are learning an important life skill that was not modeled or taught to you in childhood. Be gentle as you would yourself be kind to a beginner in anything.
FFG is also a great help about healthy living, such as good nutrition and a detoxified environment. I encourage you to get a good health check up, if you can, from both standard medicine and some kind of holistic alternative that feels good for you - could be acupuncture, Ayurvedic, homeopathic, etc.
There could be something out of balance, medically or in terms of energy flow, that is destabilizing your body's ability to support your mind. I recommend you find out if that is the case BEFORE you start trying to apply psychological labels on yourself.
You can easily find an online edition of the DSM, but it does not tell you which symptoms may be your body reacting to ill health or to a toxic situation.
Welcome and I sincerely hope you will use this forum as much as you like, to explore, learn, and share... even if all you have to share is a big ? we can still give you a hug for having those questions. We might even have a few answers.
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - gharghur - 09-18-2010
Questioner, very good advice.
Lightworker, thank you for sharing your story.
I was taken by your subject title ...
It says a lot of what you are going through.
The light inside you does cast a shadow, but the shadow is you in this life experience.
My advice would be that you need to go through a total mind/body cleansing.
Since Ra is not here to perform this cleansing properly, and the pyramids are out of tune anyway.
I suggest you do the cleansing yourself. You can do it, there is a step by step course.
You can find this information and the process in the following book:
http://acim.org/
Take the course, take your time, it takes about a year.
It helped me release all the baggage I had collected in this lifetime.
And my shadow self then met my light self, and we have joined in this journey ever since.
namaste
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - Questioner - 09-18-2010
(09-18-2010, 01:50 AM)gharghur Wrote: The light inside you does cast a shadow, but the shadow is you in this life experience.
That is beautifully put.
When we get to the new forum here for outside channeled material, perhaps we can discuss ACIM. It does not resonate with me, but I know that many people have found it helpful.
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - Brittany - 09-20-2010
Lightworker...it seems we truly are mirrors of each other. Your words resonate with me on a level I can't describe, from growing up in a condescending religious environment to the conflicting sensations of extreme depression and joy, to feeling the need to create but not being entirely able to do it, and even to the desiring for negative contact simply because of the lonliness and worthlessness I often feel. I know we've never met, but I want you to know I support you 100%! I feel such a connection with your words, and I can sense your light expanding, reaching out all the way over here to touch me while I sit at my computer. You are very much loved. This forum is a great place, and don't feel like anything you say will be considered stupid or inadequate. We are all here to help each other.
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - fairyfarmgirl - 09-20-2010
Thank you for being here now, Lightworker. You are Beautiful! Beauty is an aspect of Love and Love is the hallmark of Unity. Unity is Part of Oneness and Oneness is LOVE. All life--- is a spiral... you are simply making your way into the spiral and outward into expansion.
There is much to be found here to assist you. There are many to help-- and as it has been said: "Many Hands make Work Light."
How do you feel about Lemons? I just love them right now. The bright yellow color the sharp and sweet scent the beautiful sour and sweet taste... I just feel like I am singing when I drink a cup of blessed water with a quarter of a lemon squeezed into it. Amazing!
This comes to mind when I read your story--- wisdom comes in the most unlikely of all places and from the most unlikely ways--- When you say to yourself, "I am all right, right now," you immediately bring the forces of the mind together. All fears, worries and doubts cease. An influx of spiritual energy fills the subconscious, and a sense of dynamic security permeates your being. " --Gurudeva
--fairy
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - lightworker - 09-22-2010
thank you so much everyone! your kind words are full of wisdom & love. i truly feel better already just knowing there are people out there that actually care, not just on the surface, but deep down.
sometimes i feel so lonely and vulnerable as a wanderer. when hardly anyone around me even believes in the creator, it is frustrating to KNOW there is and that we are part of it... yet there is nothing we can do to prove that.
just wanted to share -- this morning i was contemplating the creator... and was thinking i wish there was some kind of proof without infringing upon free will. well just as i was thinking this, my phone rang at work. and on the caller i.d. it said christ! it turned out to be just a guy named christian that wanted to make an appointment for a haircut but i just laughed to myself about the synchronicity and how Jesus & his story was the first real thing that resonated with me (being raised southern baptist and all). it gave me that sense of the creator listening to my thoughts and maybe thought it would be a little humorous way to start my day =)
thanks again for everything!
love, lightworker
RE: my light casts a shadow inside me? - Shemaya - 09-22-2010
(09-22-2010, 08:52 PM)lightworker Wrote: .
just wanted to share -- this morning i was contemplating the creator... and was thinking i wish there was some kind of proof without infringing upon free will. well just as i was thinking this, my phone rang at work. and on the caller i.d. it said christ! it turned out to be just a guy named christian that wanted to make an appointment for a haircut but i just laughed to myself about the synchronicity and how Jesus & his story was the first real thing that resonated with me (being raised southern baptist and all). it gave me that sense of the creator listening to my thoughts and maybe thought it would be a little humorous way to start my day =)
What a great story lightworker! I love those kinds of stories...so confirming and validating.