Tonight I went to a social gathering of S&M enthusiasts. I was honestly a bit terrified, having never sought anything outside of very private experiences in this genre before, and was expecting to walk into a room full of people in leather catsuits who would freak out if I didn't address them as 'Sir.' What I found instead was one of the nicest, most open-minded groups of people I've EVER met. For maybe the first time in my life I felt completely at home in a large crowd of people. Just about everyone there went out of their way to make me feel comfortable and accepted. I didn't have to watch what I said out of fear of offending someone, or getting a spiritual lecture, or just being laughed off. I could just be exactly who I am, and be accepted for that. It was the most wonderful, liberating feeling to be able to yell "THIS IS ME!!!!" and not be ashamed.

So many seekers I know say S&M constitutes an orange ray blockage. I'll say that orange ray blockage is something I have dealt with on a continual basis for most of my life, and for the first time that chakra feels totally open. I was able to interact with my fellow man with complete respect given and received, with complete love and acceptance and equality. Sure, we like to step into Dominant or Submissive roles, as a form of emotional release and therapy, as a way of exploring the full range of the psyche, or simply as a consensual act of pleasure between two people who happen to like it rough...but the thing that unites us is an utter respect for the preferences and limits of each person. It isn't about putting the other person down- it is about making both parties feel good, even if the means are a bit off the main stream.

If you think just because someone is into bondage they must have an orange ray blockage, I would guess you've never experienced it for yourself, or have had a grossly limited experience, and you're just projecting your own insecurities onto others. It isn't your thing? That's great! It isn't for everyone. Nobody says you have to get off on whips and chains. But it also doesn't make us freaks or negative entites or spiritually behind the "really enlightened people." We just are. Just like everyone else. 

I thank these wonderful people for making me proud of who I Am.

So Osama Bin Laden is dead. People are partying in the streets because of it. That's the whole reason this mess got started, right? Because of him and his organization? And now it's finally been brought to a close...

So why do I have such a bitter taste in my mouth? Is it wrong that as I picture his dead body, I feel the same sense of loss as I felt when one of my beloved friends passed from this world?

There's a lot of talk going around about "justice." We've finally gotten justice! But to me, the word 'justice' has, over the years, lost more and more of its sparkle. Now it just sounds like another word for revenge, hatred and fear. Justice is when the good people win and the bad people get punished. But who is good and who is bad? I'm sure we all have our own opinions about that. If we all got the justice we think we deserve, I think everyone would be dead.

All I can see when I think of this war is pile after pile of dead bodies...scattered corpses of people who didn't want to die...families ripped apart for a cause most of us don't even care about anymore. If you asked a random person on the street what this war is about, I'm betting a good number of them would either say "Nine Eleven!" or "I don't know." So that's it? That's why blood is flowing like water? They hit us, we hit them...and on and on it goes. The body pile grows higher.

When I think of the people on the "other side"...all I can see is me. People like me, with lives and families, who are trying to follow what they believe in. Their views might be distorted and very different from mine, but are they really *so* different from me? Don't they think and feel and bleed just like I do? Are they really scary monsters that deserve to be wiped off the face of the earth?

I'm tired of all these stupid wars. "Justice" is a farce. All we're doing is perpetuating an elaborate show of revenge and greed. Until this chain is broken, we'll be stuck in some war or another forever. Can you imagine a world where everyone suddenly realized how silly we've all been, and they threw down their weapons and we all ran into each other's arms, so glad that we'd found our long lost brothers and sisters?

If, intstead of stubbornly pushing on until the grisly end, Osama had suddenly had a change of heart and offered himself in love and service...and if somehow his fate rested in your hands, what would you do? Would you welcome him into the family or shoot him dead on the spot for past crimes? What is the value of a human life- any life, no matter what circumstances led it to be in its present state?

The worst thing is that anyone who offers forgiveness and talks of peace is labeled a terrorist supporter. In my mind, the American image is just as much a symbol of greed, terror and biased, ignorant hate as that of the Taliban.

It reminds me of a quote form the Lord of the Rings movie. One of the hobbits asks Treebeard which side he is on, and he says "Side? I am on nobody's side, for nobody is on my side, little orc." I am on the side of peace...on all sides. I'm not sure what my voice counts for, but I openly admit that I see no more reason for us to fight...how many more enormous disasters is it going to take to bring us together, to make us realize that our existence not as a religious group or an ethnic group or any other segregated group, but our existence as a species is at stake?

This feeling has become so strong in me...it goes beyond thoughts or words. I can't paint a picture of it. I can't quantify or analyze it. It just is, and it's overwhelming...this love. How can I ever give enough of it? I want to lie down in the earth and let my love pour into it, more and more, until the whole planet glows with how much I love it. I can hardly bear how precious each and every face is. How can a body as small as mine contain all this love?

Sometimes just being here hurts. It is a strain on my body and my mind and my spirit. But I realize now, how worth it all of it was. If I could help just one person, I'd come back and do it all again. I can't explain how important that is...just making one person smile. I'd give my all to them.

All these things I've been so down on myself about...it doesn't matter at all. My flaws don't matter. I can feel the love, and I can pass it to others. What is there to do besides that? Everything else is just a game, a lesson in a school room. Everything else will eventually change and fade away, but the LOVE, it will not, cannot fade, ever.

I've put on and taken off so many beliefs and opinions in this life. I've been so many different people, so worried about what I would become. Now I know- I will become what I always have been. Love. That cannot be taken away from me, so I have nothing to fear, and everything to give. I drop all of my presuppositions, my fears and doubts and all the imperfections I have judged in myself. Whoever is reading this, I love you more than words can say, not for things you have said or things you have done, but because the fact that you exist as what you are is the most wonderful thing I've ever thought of.

I no longer need to convince, to pull or push or do anything but Be in this Love. If I must stand for something in my life, then let it be for the one constant that rings true for eternity. I stand for love.

I've found myself in something of a tremendous funk lately. Ever since the earthquake in Japan, my mood has plummeted to a suicidal low. On one hand, Japan is very near and dear to my heart. It always felt like my home away from home, even though I've never been there in this lifetime. My husband and I were planning on vacationing there next year, and I've been feeling my heart swell with joy at the thought of finally being able to see and touch all of the places I've only seen in picture books and vague, distant memories. Now it's likely that most of that is gone. The country is scarred, and it is a wound that feels as if it was carved into my own flesh. I send as much love and light as I can gather to my dear brothers and sisters in Japan every day.

On the other hand, the hurt seemed to dig deeper than my own thoughts of Japan. I felt as if I was thrust into a channel of despair, as if I had a direct link to all of the pain the planet has been going through. I felt as if the weight of the world was literally crashing down on my shoulders, and it dug me into the bed. I didn't want to get up or do anything. I found myself irritable, prone to random fits of crying and suicidal thoughts. I became something of a recluse, barely leaving the house or talking to anyone.

Walter, my husband, has been my Godsend through all of this. He forced me to talk about my feelings instead of trying to keep it all to myself, and he comforted me without judgment. I always feel like such a burden to people when I get like this. I feel like I have it too good to have any right to be depressed, and I should just suck it up and get on with it, but sometimes having a shoulder to lean on makes a world of difference. Walter has been there with me through so much crap...I don't know what I would do if he wasn't in my life.

Part of me feels like I want to start a riot. I want to run out into the streets and yell "No! We will not stand for this corruption any longer! We want change!" I want to start tearing down walls with my bare hands...make a revolution. Another part simply wants to crawl into bed and not come out. I find the company of most other people overwhelming at this point. I just want to be alone in silence. I guess I don't know what I want anymore, besides peace on earth, and peace and quiet.

For the most part, this week has been a blur of business and exhaustion. The beginning of last week started off well...I had three days off in a row and got to relax a bit. I had a fun time bowling with Gary and the gang, but staying out so late began nearly a week of sleep depravation. Day after day I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and having a very hard time getting back to sleep, up until the day before yesterday when I got almost no sleep at all.

I've also had a pretty full work schedule. My hours have been cut back so much lately that I was getting used to working only a few days a week and having more time to work on my projects, but lately hours have picked up and pulling full shifts for five days in a row while being so exhausted just about broke my spirit. I finally caved last night and took some sleeping pills and ended up sleeping about 11 hours. At least I can think straight again, now that I'm no longer in zombie-mode.

Things at work seem to be getting progressively negative. Everyone is fed up with the BS corporate keeps dishing out, continuously cutting hour hours while expecting us to do more work than we've ever had before. We keep failing out audits because we're so behind and the pressure is intense. There was very little teamwork and open communication to begin with, and now everyone is so irritable that the dissension between departments is palpable. Everyone wants to shove the burden onto someone else- some other department. Some employee with lower seniority that they can use and then forget about.

I keep trying to be a shining light in the midst of such darkness, keeping a positive, encouraging attitude, but lately it has really been getting me down and I've found myself joining in with all the complaining and sulking. For a while it seemed that another job opportunity might be opening up, but now it looks like that might fall apart before it even gets started. I just don't know how much more of these insane schedules, ridiculous demands and pre-riotous coworkers I can stand...is there any way to make the situation better without just up and quitting? I really don't want to quit without securing another job first...it's next to impossible to find jobs here right now, even crappy ones.

So I've been feeling rather depressed...The house has become a mess, seeing how the week has blurred by, and I've barely made any progress on my art project. I'm lucky if I get to spend a few hours with my husband one day a week...he's working 12 hour shifts almost every day and it's wearing the both of us down. I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up and remembering that none of this stuff is THAT important...that my spiritual goals are at the forefront of my agenda, and I can practice them anywhere, doing anything.

Mostly I'm just very tired. I'm physically tired, mentally tired, spiritually drained. I feel like I've been bludgeoned by an entire team of psychotic baseball players...the hits just keep coming. I really, REALLY want to go home...and I'm having a hard time keeping that from being the main focus of my thoughts. I feel guilty, wanting to leave when being here is such a privilege, when so many others wanted to come and weren't able to.  I end up despising myself for being unhappy, but there isn't a button I can push to instantly be cheerful. It's not like I WANT to be so down...no matter how much I try to rationalize and talk myself out of it, though, I still feel more homesick every day.

I find myself feeling like a fool...I feel like I bit off more than I could chew in coming here. I had all these plans for what I was going to do to save the world, and I tried to bring all my powers with me to help, but all it's done is made me so sensitive to my environment that I'm in a constant state of agitation and ill health. My deepest, darkest, greatest fear is that when I finally go back they'll say "We TOLD you you couldn't do all that stuff, but you wouldn't listen! Now look. You FAILED. Way to go. We should have let somebody else go instead of you."

I realize this is an irrational fear...that such a degree of judgment isn't the hallmark of higher densities, but it seems like the more I try to convince myself otherwise, the stronger the thought grows in my head. This self-judgment is really bringing me down, but I can't find a way to climb out of it. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything...even "light-holding." If my heart is all black with depression and despair, how can the Creator's light shine through? No matter how many times other people tell me I'm a wonderful person they're glad to know, I can't see myself as anything but a pathetic washout who tried to run with the big dogs and got trampled.

To anyone reading this, I really do apologize for the whininess. These funks usually lift eventually...if only I could stay up instead of waiting in trepidation for the next plummet.