my Journey to the One

[Brittany]

lol, I resonate with your words Seejay21. I remember the moment when I realized life was a joke. An important, growth-inducing joke, but still a joke. And it was a funny one.

I do not think you are suffering delusions. I just can't imagine how terrifying it would be to have awakened all at once like that. I think I would have gone loopy. My shrink put me on some kind of barbituates once and I really started freaking out and seeing all kinds of stuff and landed in the mental hospital, and this stuff was legal!

As for not being able to put the feelings into words...I also know this all too well. For some reason a lot of times I expect everyone to just know what I'm feeling. I don't understand why I should have to explain it to them. Can't they just *feel* it? Can't they read my thoughts and see the pictures in my head? Words are so frustrating sometimes. There aren't nearly enough of them to describe matters of the soul.

I also know that feeling of shame. Realizing that you ARE the ones who commit those terrible acts...you are one with the most horrifying people in the world, can be a real eye-opener. When I realized this I had to do a LOT of internal squaring away, because I started seeing all these terrible mindsets deep within myself. There were days I just hated myself so much I felt like I should stop existing, but then I realized that that kind of attitude wasn't going to provide the service I came here to give. Only when I'm at peace with myself can I share that peace with others, so I've had to learn to cut myself a little slack and realize I'm an okay gal after all. Deep down, we're all okay. If only everyone could realize that...