Generation Gap

[sillypumpkins]

i'm a bit of a youngin' (almost 23) so i can speak a little to my own personal experience, inner and outer

i can't really remember a time in my life where i wasn't jaded by the world around me. even when i was really young, something about this planet just stuck me in the wrong way. for a long time, naturally, i thought there was something wrong with me and so this led me down a path of depression, self-doubt, etc.

along with that jaded feeling, i've always felt distinctly different from everyone else. like an alien. like i was totally isolated from everything else. i had such a hard time relating to people. there was never much judgement of others, it was more of like, "why is it that i can't engage with people on the level that they would like to engage with me?" in a similar vein, my sexuality always felt really different from everyone else, especially when i was in high school. all my friends were hooking up with people and engaging in casual sex. seeing this, i felt very much like an outsider. i never really wanted to engage with someone in that way unless there was an emotional connection. casual sex just felt awkward to me in some ways. nothing wrong with it, i just didn't understand why i was so averse to it whereas my friends were all psyched on it.

i've also had such a strange relationship with money all my life. i was born into a middle-class family so we never really struggled (that i saw), but money/currency has always felt.... silly, to me. along with that, getting a job and going to school (i.e the prescribed path for many in the west) always felt so cold to me. even to this day, i don't care about money, i don't see any value in it in many ways. i am beginning to see more value in it.... still learning

in a lot of ways, i feel like i was born numb to the world. it always felt like so much (still does sometimes) that I just had my walls up for a long time for protection. i never really felt joy as a kid, the world always felt dark and scary. i feel joy now

i've never gotten the sense that my parents really see me. it feels like they speak to an idea they have of me, not the true me. so that's been a struggle as well. telling me that I gotta go to school, get a job, so i can have money and be comfortable. this always felt so absurd to me. even when i went to college, and fell into a serious episode of suicidal depression, my mom was still telling me that "sometimes we need to do things that we don't want to do." in a lot of ways it felt cruel. it really tore me up. how could this person who says they love me, encourage me to do something that is obviously so contrary to what my heart says? i have even told my mom what i want to do with my life, and her response has been "well you need to figure out something more realistic, because that's not possible." so..... in my own pursuits, i have never really gotten much help from those who, frankly, i would expect to help out. this created such a cognitive dissonance in me that i even found it difficult to pursue my passions, and began slipping into a doubtful depression. also became very resentful towards my parents

there came a time where i realized, wow, i don't even know what's "best" for me, so how could anyone else know that (if there's even anything to know there)? it was a real struggle growing up, not knowing who i was, and having everyone tell me what the "best" route would be. that was a big theme, and so i spent a few years listening to these people and taking their words for it, and ultimately i suffered greatly because of it, but came out with more wisdom and understanding.

growing up, the world felt cruel and harsh and scary. i didn't understand it. i didn't understand people. i felt alone in these feelings. i didn't understand why i had to do this and that to get something out of this life. it just never made sense on a feeling-level. likewise, hearing the news and stuff growing up, i was dumbfounded by things i saw and heard. i remember when i was probably 12 years old, i was out for a walk with my dad and i started getting really upset about something i saw in the news. something about a beheading of a homosexual in a middle eastern country maybe? i was so frustrated because i didn't understand why people would kill another just because of his sexual preference. my dad kinda just shrugged and said, "that's life"..... why are people so blase about these things?! it drove me crazy

now..... things are different. we're all just children playing on this planet, learning and growing. my parents aren't quite the menaces they used to be (in my eyes) and i look at them more as people who are just as clueless as i am. and that really helps. i still experience depression in my life, however even when i am in the deepest throws of it, i can still laugh and feel joy. so that's been new.

overall, it's been a strange journey. i felt disconnected from birth, and had to learn a lot in order to get where i am now (that is, a state of relative connectedness). i still feel very sad being here sometimes. i can't read the news very much unless i want to throw my day off. i still don't understand a lot of things. but im okay with that now cause.... that's why we're here right?