02-01-2011, 07:33 PM
I can certainly identify with what you've said here. For most of my life I have experienced a deep, unyielding pain that seems to have no root cause. When things are at their best, it seems like that is when the heaviest waves of depression hit. I do not want for anything. Truly I am blessed, and yet I cannot seem to pull myself from this melancholic disposition. I often hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like a truly enlightened person would not exist in a state of perpetual sorrow...they would see the joy that is available in every moment. I see the joy, but often it seems I have no way of experiencing it, and it fills me with guilt that I am turning my back on the joyous opportunities the Creator has laid before me.
I believe this type of pain to be spiritual. I think it is brought on when a person awakens spiritually, yet they feel trapped in a disconnected experience. The entity that I am longs with such an intense longing to connect to that one great Love. It is a reaching, a desperation. I reach up toward the stars without knowing what it is I am reaching for. I only know that I want it so badly, and that my fingers cannot yet grasp it. I feel stuck here, alone though I am surrounded by friends. There is a force that I feel with burning intensity, and all I want is to take it into my bosom and hold it there, yet it slips between my fingers. I feel that my spirit is constantly trying to make a connection, yet cannot connect. I *understand* the principles of Oneness, Infinity and Love, yet I cannot make them tangible. I cannot even describe in words what it is that I want, need so badly, and that is perhaps the most painful part of all of it.
I've spent many years going through the cycle of feeling pain, then furthering that pain by judging myself for feeling it. I spent most of my adolescent life in and out of mental hospitals, constantly suicidal, cutting myself and letting the doctors pump me full of poisonous medications in hopes of numbing the pain away. And none of it worked. Even if my whole body was numb, my heart still ached.
This is still an issue I deal with, and I wish I could tell you of an easy way to fix it- a band-aid that would make it all better. I haven't found one yet. However, I have found ways to make the cross lighter. One of them is to simply acknowledge the pain. Turn and face it instead of running it. Throw your arms open wide and embrace it. Gather it to yourself- all those parts of yourself that are hurting, and hold them close. Caress them and comfort them. I often visualize that battered, beaten part of myself and assure her that what she feels is not her fault. Emotions are like the winds and the waves. Who can put a harness on them? I cannot control what I feel. I can only control how I respond to that feeling, and responding in judgment only drives the knife in that much deeper.
Another thing that has helped me is letting others help. I have a lot of pride, and it hasn't been easy for me to admit vulnerability and let people inside this private bubble of pain that I've tried to hide away. I'm afraid they'll look down on me, or I'll become a burden to them. But no one was meant to bear everything alone. If God wanted us to do it all on our own, He would have just made one person. We are here to help and learn from each other. Just by asking for help in this post, you are taking a step toward healing. There are also many unseen forces who would help- your guides, angels and a innumerable variety of light spirits that will offer assistance if it is but asked for. I've heard Quo offer their own services to those who suffer, myself included, and they have helped me in keeping love at the base of my vibration. I do not like being beholden to anyone, but it is admitting that weakness that makes me stronger.
Truly I wish there was more I could say to help. But I feel your pain, and please know that I love you for exactly who you are. I do not judge you in any way. I accept you and I send you love and light. I hope this may be some small balm on the wound I know all too well.
-Lynn
I believe this type of pain to be spiritual. I think it is brought on when a person awakens spiritually, yet they feel trapped in a disconnected experience. The entity that I am longs with such an intense longing to connect to that one great Love. It is a reaching, a desperation. I reach up toward the stars without knowing what it is I am reaching for. I only know that I want it so badly, and that my fingers cannot yet grasp it. I feel stuck here, alone though I am surrounded by friends. There is a force that I feel with burning intensity, and all I want is to take it into my bosom and hold it there, yet it slips between my fingers. I feel that my spirit is constantly trying to make a connection, yet cannot connect. I *understand* the principles of Oneness, Infinity and Love, yet I cannot make them tangible. I cannot even describe in words what it is that I want, need so badly, and that is perhaps the most painful part of all of it.
I've spent many years going through the cycle of feeling pain, then furthering that pain by judging myself for feeling it. I spent most of my adolescent life in and out of mental hospitals, constantly suicidal, cutting myself and letting the doctors pump me full of poisonous medications in hopes of numbing the pain away. And none of it worked. Even if my whole body was numb, my heart still ached.
This is still an issue I deal with, and I wish I could tell you of an easy way to fix it- a band-aid that would make it all better. I haven't found one yet. However, I have found ways to make the cross lighter. One of them is to simply acknowledge the pain. Turn and face it instead of running it. Throw your arms open wide and embrace it. Gather it to yourself- all those parts of yourself that are hurting, and hold them close. Caress them and comfort them. I often visualize that battered, beaten part of myself and assure her that what she feels is not her fault. Emotions are like the winds and the waves. Who can put a harness on them? I cannot control what I feel. I can only control how I respond to that feeling, and responding in judgment only drives the knife in that much deeper.
Another thing that has helped me is letting others help. I have a lot of pride, and it hasn't been easy for me to admit vulnerability and let people inside this private bubble of pain that I've tried to hide away. I'm afraid they'll look down on me, or I'll become a burden to them. But no one was meant to bear everything alone. If God wanted us to do it all on our own, He would have just made one person. We are here to help and learn from each other. Just by asking for help in this post, you are taking a step toward healing. There are also many unseen forces who would help- your guides, angels and a innumerable variety of light spirits that will offer assistance if it is but asked for. I've heard Quo offer their own services to those who suffer, myself included, and they have helped me in keeping love at the base of my vibration. I do not like being beholden to anyone, but it is admitting that weakness that makes me stronger.
Truly I wish there was more I could say to help. But I feel your pain, and please know that I love you for exactly who you are. I do not judge you in any way. I accept you and I send you love and light. I hope this may be some small balm on the wound I know all too well.
-Lynn
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