01-18-2017, 04:34 PM
Hi Kaaron,
The lowest point in my life was when I flipped out on my mother. I had truly become psychotic and ended up trying to strangle her when I was 24 (16 years ago). I was heartbroken at the time and trying to sort myself out by coming off drugs the hard way, and then I went and did that. And it happens sometimes, when you are stuck in the underworld of despair.
Somebody once told me that suicide was "The sincerest form of self criticism". He wasn't even somebody I knew, but he had overheard me talking to a friend preaching about how cowardly and selfish suicide was. He was just a stranger passing in the street. And yet my preaching was after I had felt suicidal myself. After being interviewed by 2 policemen while in my bedroom, asking why I attacked my mum. I saw this desire as a weakness, as an escape route, but it was also true to say that it was the logical consequence from feeling a deep remorse for my mindless behaviour. What this stranger imparted to me was to take a compassionate view of such a situation.
So in an incomprehensible way, if we can't bring ourselves to look into the mouth of the dragon, or explore the belly of the whale, and stay the course, we will burn or drown while trying to escape.
So all I can say to you is to repeat what a friend said to me new years eve just gone. I had a little tiff with my wife expressing my frigging annoyance at her sustained victim hood, at my refusal to clean up her own emotional crap for her, and being generally fed up with her expectations. I was triggered for sure because I did not even want to be at the bloody party!!
He said "...get sweaty with the small stuff".
So let the world save itself is what I am saying. The people closest to us in our lives are the ones that are reflecting truth back to us, not in what they say or do as such, but in how we react to what they say or do. Those thoughts of being responsible, and those feelings of hopelessness and dread, are like the heat of a dragons breath, or the journey to the whales belly. We need to sweat it out.
Hope my sharing and rhetoric helps.
The lowest point in my life was when I flipped out on my mother. I had truly become psychotic and ended up trying to strangle her when I was 24 (16 years ago). I was heartbroken at the time and trying to sort myself out by coming off drugs the hard way, and then I went and did that. And it happens sometimes, when you are stuck in the underworld of despair.
Somebody once told me that suicide was "The sincerest form of self criticism". He wasn't even somebody I knew, but he had overheard me talking to a friend preaching about how cowardly and selfish suicide was. He was just a stranger passing in the street. And yet my preaching was after I had felt suicidal myself. After being interviewed by 2 policemen while in my bedroom, asking why I attacked my mum. I saw this desire as a weakness, as an escape route, but it was also true to say that it was the logical consequence from feeling a deep remorse for my mindless behaviour. What this stranger imparted to me was to take a compassionate view of such a situation.
So in an incomprehensible way, if we can't bring ourselves to look into the mouth of the dragon, or explore the belly of the whale, and stay the course, we will burn or drown while trying to escape.
So all I can say to you is to repeat what a friend said to me new years eve just gone. I had a little tiff with my wife expressing my frigging annoyance at her sustained victim hood, at my refusal to clean up her own emotional crap for her, and being generally fed up with her expectations. I was triggered for sure because I did not even want to be at the bloody party!!
He said "...get sweaty with the small stuff".
So let the world save itself is what I am saying. The people closest to us in our lives are the ones that are reflecting truth back to us, not in what they say or do as such, but in how we react to what they say or do. Those thoughts of being responsible, and those feelings of hopelessness and dread, are like the heat of a dragons breath, or the journey to the whales belly. We need to sweat it out.
Hope my sharing and rhetoric helps.
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