As I kept running from myself...I started to realize that there were different aspects of myself that I wasn't ready to look at.
The more that I ignored them, or looked for excuses in the world around me, the more that the world around me would reflect the ignored aspects back at me, through interactions with others as well as internal dialogue.
I stopped enjoying feeling like the only one in the room that didn't get the whole "love" thing. The only one that looked for the problem in everything or everyone, so that I could feel justified in my own self loathing.
I realized that the only way to truly rid myself of the numb, homicidal/suicidal thoughts, was to either kill myself (as the darker side tell me to) or try with everything I have, to look for and hold on to a higher thought. That's what takes true determination. Being an insane cat who'll pull hammers on anyone is easy. It's gangsta to lie there, writhing in angst wanting to turn into an atomic bomb n destroy the planet...yet find it somewhere in your demon plagued thoughts to hold onto a ray of hope and not let the dark thoughts suck you into the black hole.
The black hole s*** is the easy part...due mainly to what Aion talked about regarding the ruling force of the planet.
Being the beginnings of a sun, or "shining in the shade" as it were, to me, is what the true OG's are here to do.
I feel like giving you a little background on myself, since you went into quite abit with your comment.
Around 2002, when I had a vision (you can check my wanderer story if you're curious about details: http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=11497 ), I had been making beats for about 3-4 years and was also quite self aware.
My journey down the STS path was subtle, at first. Initially, after the vision, I had a connection to the all that was strong. I could sense what people knew and what their agenda was in any given situation. I saw "signs" and the creator in every moment. Then I started getting caught up in the intellectual, more nihilistic viewpoint. I was an avid Gnostic and thought that I had cracked the code. I didn't notice my ego was so rampant at the time...hindsight's a useful tool, when used in an understanding way.
I think I really realized how far down the path I'd gone, when my wife and 2 kids (3 and 5) moved to another city without me, due to my cheating ways.
I couldn't forgive myself for that.
It's why I joined Black Power/Darkside.
Initially, it wasn't because I wanted to smoke meth or home invade people.
Around 2005, I started kicking it with a homie who was a 25 y/o patch member. He was an established battle mc/gangsta rapper with the crew Darkside, who started of as a music group but evolved into a feeder gang for the Blacks. Gangs have never really been my thing, but I felt something different as I sat there, day in and day out for about 6 months really getting to know my bro. I realized that his vision was more of an alternative to the enslaving system. A way of having a client base internally and externally, without having to pay the politicians to be corrupt a*******. What's not to like...you know what I'm saying? He told me about the history of the club and how it came about as a defense mechanism, which I related to and have always sided with the underdog. The club is an organization with chapters nationwide aswell as in Australia, so there are many aspects to it, besides the less government sanctioned ventures. It's also the only club in the country to introduce mandatory meth tests, with rehab or the door, your only 2 options. I'm Maori, and could relate to the attitude they had as I got the same treatment as most indigenous cultures do. Maori, as a people, have been only recently forced into cities (started in the early 1900's but the big drive was more in the 50's/60's and have had less time to learn how to thrive in this system, as the "settlers", who came from England, having hundreds, if not thousands of years to build inter-generational wealth.
So, I was making 5 beats a day at this stage and would hook him up, mainly because I really got to know him and he was a good cat. He was also the health advocate for the club. It meant that he was working to try to better the people, something I saw as the best way of combating the ignorance the powers that be spread.
But part of me joined because I hated myself and wanted to die. I couldn't change the past, so I wanted to erase a future with me having to live with that reality. I thought that the fastest and most "legacy leaving"(if that's even a term lol) way of doing that, would be to join the realest dudes in the city n straight up not give a f*** about me.
Things are abit different over here. It's more bats/axes/hammers/whatever you can grab...when it comes to differences over colors. If you mess with someone on a more personal level, you wont get aired out in the street most times...you'll end up in the boot.
So I started rocking a hammer. I probably had the same overall demeanor you're expressing. I had hate for this existence that I had created for myself. I saw my own hate reflected everytime an old lady would switch her handbag to her other shoulder, to avoid being within my reach, as I walked past her. I would walk around with rags on my head, hammer in my belt n wait for someone, anyone to look for more than a casual glance.
Meth is $700-$900/g here, so life can get quite intense when you've got that ratio of volatility:affordability.
The main drugs we pumped were Meth, X, acid, weed. I'd be on a combo of those daily, mixed with 6 Valium or maybe codeine...and a constant flow of alcohol.
I don't mean to let my somewhat chivalrous intentions have you under any misconceptions...I was a bad muthafucka. My g'z would say "you're a buzzy cunt g...just sit there n watch." I was mostly entertaining the darkest of my fantasies as they were encouraged in this setting...I delved deeply into the world of manipulation through intellectual and aesthetic means, for my own agenda. Not to sound too full of myself, but I've never been called ugly or slow...and being a beatmaker, is like being a crack dealer to every nigga who think he can rap...we both know that's nearly every drunk dude...gang or no gang LMAO.
I got so cocky and full of myself, that I started rolling with only certain g'z I saw as "on my level" as far as rap and the scene dictated.
I got alot of hate from those that had put in years of prospecting and sitting on the door or cleaning up...only to watch me walk in, protected on high by their OGz. I was an ignorant, ego driven, controlled zombie. People would move away from me because I was that much of a black hole.
I started driving around ho's n then going back to my girlfriend after 6 days up.
Standing over other gangs just cos I could and it made me feel better to dominate with the fear my dispassionate temperament n our gang instilled. Alot of the time I had thoughts of jumping on people and eating their faces off. Sometimes it would be a more disturbing moving picture.
I say all of this because I see alot of the same questions in you, that I had.
I have had a few interactions or experiences with negative "friends". They are the ones that are, at the very least exasperating your inner turmoil. Maybe have a look at this http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=13000 and have a look at the links from Dekalb_Blues. I felt a deep resonance...i drew parallels between the described attitudes which birthed the agenda of the Nazis and my own hatred for existence.
To be blunt...they hide in the pockets you create by not looking at your own hurt. Perceived wrongs that caused you to get in your feelings about that situation and resulted in a feeling that they exist to either channel or embody. That's what my understanding of your problem is. It's what causes us all to go through what we do. The subconscious is a messed up place yo.
The more that I ignored them, or looked for excuses in the world around me, the more that the world around me would reflect the ignored aspects back at me, through interactions with others as well as internal dialogue.
I stopped enjoying feeling like the only one in the room that didn't get the whole "love" thing. The only one that looked for the problem in everything or everyone, so that I could feel justified in my own self loathing.
I realized that the only way to truly rid myself of the numb, homicidal/suicidal thoughts, was to either kill myself (as the darker side tell me to) or try with everything I have, to look for and hold on to a higher thought. That's what takes true determination. Being an insane cat who'll pull hammers on anyone is easy. It's gangsta to lie there, writhing in angst wanting to turn into an atomic bomb n destroy the planet...yet find it somewhere in your demon plagued thoughts to hold onto a ray of hope and not let the dark thoughts suck you into the black hole.
The black hole s*** is the easy part...due mainly to what Aion talked about regarding the ruling force of the planet.
Being the beginnings of a sun, or "shining in the shade" as it were, to me, is what the true OG's are here to do.
I feel like giving you a little background on myself, since you went into quite abit with your comment.
Around 2002, when I had a vision (you can check my wanderer story if you're curious about details: http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=11497 ), I had been making beats for about 3-4 years and was also quite self aware.
My journey down the STS path was subtle, at first. Initially, after the vision, I had a connection to the all that was strong. I could sense what people knew and what their agenda was in any given situation. I saw "signs" and the creator in every moment. Then I started getting caught up in the intellectual, more nihilistic viewpoint. I was an avid Gnostic and thought that I had cracked the code. I didn't notice my ego was so rampant at the time...hindsight's a useful tool, when used in an understanding way.
I think I really realized how far down the path I'd gone, when my wife and 2 kids (3 and 5) moved to another city without me, due to my cheating ways.
I couldn't forgive myself for that.
It's why I joined Black Power/Darkside.
Initially, it wasn't because I wanted to smoke meth or home invade people.
Around 2005, I started kicking it with a homie who was a 25 y/o patch member. He was an established battle mc/gangsta rapper with the crew Darkside, who started of as a music group but evolved into a feeder gang for the Blacks. Gangs have never really been my thing, but I felt something different as I sat there, day in and day out for about 6 months really getting to know my bro. I realized that his vision was more of an alternative to the enslaving system. A way of having a client base internally and externally, without having to pay the politicians to be corrupt a*******. What's not to like...you know what I'm saying? He told me about the history of the club and how it came about as a defense mechanism, which I related to and have always sided with the underdog. The club is an organization with chapters nationwide aswell as in Australia, so there are many aspects to it, besides the less government sanctioned ventures. It's also the only club in the country to introduce mandatory meth tests, with rehab or the door, your only 2 options. I'm Maori, and could relate to the attitude they had as I got the same treatment as most indigenous cultures do. Maori, as a people, have been only recently forced into cities (started in the early 1900's but the big drive was more in the 50's/60's and have had less time to learn how to thrive in this system, as the "settlers", who came from England, having hundreds, if not thousands of years to build inter-generational wealth.
So, I was making 5 beats a day at this stage and would hook him up, mainly because I really got to know him and he was a good cat. He was also the health advocate for the club. It meant that he was working to try to better the people, something I saw as the best way of combating the ignorance the powers that be spread.
But part of me joined because I hated myself and wanted to die. I couldn't change the past, so I wanted to erase a future with me having to live with that reality. I thought that the fastest and most "legacy leaving"(if that's even a term lol) way of doing that, would be to join the realest dudes in the city n straight up not give a f*** about me.
Things are abit different over here. It's more bats/axes/hammers/whatever you can grab...when it comes to differences over colors. If you mess with someone on a more personal level, you wont get aired out in the street most times...you'll end up in the boot.
So I started rocking a hammer. I probably had the same overall demeanor you're expressing. I had hate for this existence that I had created for myself. I saw my own hate reflected everytime an old lady would switch her handbag to her other shoulder, to avoid being within my reach, as I walked past her. I would walk around with rags on my head, hammer in my belt n wait for someone, anyone to look for more than a casual glance.
Meth is $700-$900/g here, so life can get quite intense when you've got that ratio of volatility:affordability.
The main drugs we pumped were Meth, X, acid, weed. I'd be on a combo of those daily, mixed with 6 Valium or maybe codeine...and a constant flow of alcohol.
I don't mean to let my somewhat chivalrous intentions have you under any misconceptions...I was a bad muthafucka. My g'z would say "you're a buzzy cunt g...just sit there n watch." I was mostly entertaining the darkest of my fantasies as they were encouraged in this setting...I delved deeply into the world of manipulation through intellectual and aesthetic means, for my own agenda. Not to sound too full of myself, but I've never been called ugly or slow...and being a beatmaker, is like being a crack dealer to every nigga who think he can rap...we both know that's nearly every drunk dude...gang or no gang LMAO.
I got so cocky and full of myself, that I started rolling with only certain g'z I saw as "on my level" as far as rap and the scene dictated.
I got alot of hate from those that had put in years of prospecting and sitting on the door or cleaning up...only to watch me walk in, protected on high by their OGz. I was an ignorant, ego driven, controlled zombie. People would move away from me because I was that much of a black hole.
I started driving around ho's n then going back to my girlfriend after 6 days up.
Standing over other gangs just cos I could and it made me feel better to dominate with the fear my dispassionate temperament n our gang instilled. Alot of the time I had thoughts of jumping on people and eating their faces off. Sometimes it would be a more disturbing moving picture.
I say all of this because I see alot of the same questions in you, that I had.
I have had a few interactions or experiences with negative "friends". They are the ones that are, at the very least exasperating your inner turmoil. Maybe have a look at this http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=13000 and have a look at the links from Dekalb_Blues. I felt a deep resonance...i drew parallels between the described attitudes which birthed the agenda of the Nazis and my own hatred for existence.
To be blunt...they hide in the pockets you create by not looking at your own hurt. Perceived wrongs that caused you to get in your feelings about that situation and resulted in a feeling that they exist to either channel or embody. That's what my understanding of your problem is. It's what causes us all to go through what we do. The subconscious is a messed up place yo.