Postponed meditation

[Cyclops]

In the past month or two I started having difficulties meditating and keeping my inner self silent.
This then lead to part denial of the Ra material and having doubts. The signs were still there, I just didn't know what to make of it.
Deep within my self I do want to heal and meditate, but being so busy with work and daily activities I became somewhat lazy/unmotivated.
Nevertheless I still try to be a loving and accepting entity and seek to see the creator within each and every individual that I meet in daily life experience.
Even when I had days off I chose playing computer games or watching TV series all day long. From time to time I took a space and tried meditating if only for a little time, but still with no success.
I couldn't keep my thoughts/images silent, my body was resisting my will. I've tried using pillows for comfort, music for peace, nothing came of it.
The past few days I decided to re-read the Ra material and since I've been getting really strong signs from the universe.
A couple of hours ago I decided to try and meditate, the only thought I kept was love and light. Still little came of it, I then deep within myself asked the confederation to help me as I only seek to serve the one creator.
I then felt a very calm shivering sensation in my body, I then visioned a point, from all around a violet color energy was coming and merging with it, little by little.
I don't know what to make of it as I don't specialize in chakras, just wanted to share and resonate this with the lovely community who has always reminded me what matters.

Questioner: OK. This is the central important point. Why, then, was it so— You’ve answered this, but it seems to me that if the polarization was the obvious thing that more effort would have been put forward to polarize. Let me see if I can state this… Before the veil there was an awareness of the need for polarization towards service to others in third density by all entities, whether incarnate in third-density, yellow-ray bodies or whether in between incarnations. What was the— I assume, then, that the condition of which we earlier spoke, the one of wealth you might say, was present through the entire spectrum of experience whether it be between incarnations or during incarnation and the entities just simply could not [chuckling] get up the desire or manifest the desire to create this polarization necessary for graduation. Is this correct?

Ra: I am Ra. You begin to grasp the situation. Let us continue the metaphor of the schooling but consider the scholar as being an entity in your younger years of the schooling process. The entity is fed, clothed, and protected regardless of whether or not the schoolwork is accomplished. Therefore, the entity does not do the homework but rather enjoys playtime, mealtime, and vacation. It is not until there is a reason to wish to excel that most entities will attempt to excel.

This quote helped me a lot. I am very much the same way I sweep the material/meditation under the rug for long periods of time and just live life. The quote is about pre-veil conditions, but I feel it applies to what we have now post-veil.. A kind of wealth of not knowing or  being able to prove anything is very comfortable and peaceful. What helps me at the end of the day is I often think about the point of life, of existing as a human being. We are intelligent but we are animals in the end, eating, growing, passing the time then dying with no universal point to it all. I look at this and simply think it just feels like a poor point. So that's why the Law of One interests me once again because i feel it offers the potential for something more, offers a chance of richer existence and experience. And so I meditate more often . It is very hard to actually desire to implement the things Ra outlines, but very easy to think you should. The Law of One material resonates right away intellectually, but it is shallow and your subconscious doesn't actually care for it for a long time until something happens, or there is a need somehow for it, beyond just thinking about it. The quote I feel also hints that non of us here can actually help you with that either, or each other in that regard. Sorry about the ramble.