HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?????

[Peregrinus]

Having similar life experience (abusive addict/alcoholic father/mother/family members/spouses/friends), I can honestly say that it is not for you to save he/she that does not desire to be saved. I have tried as well, and truthfully, there is something you can do. I will detail that later on in this post.

I have learned to understand addiction in great depth, and have even gone down that rabbit hole once to try help someone. What I have learned after far too many years is that two things are required for the addict/alcoholic to clean up. The want, and the need.

Most, but not all, have the want. The ones who do not have the want will end up in jail, an institution, or dead, and that is their choice. There is nothing you can do about it. The ones that have the want; you hear it when they wake up after a binge, "I so want to quit", or "I swear to *** I am going to get help", or.... and then the next day, or week, or month(s), there they are so high again they can't tell you their name. The want is real, but it is not enough. Unfortunately, there is also... the need.

The need is as elusive for many as winning the lottery, yet there are those that win. The need is what an addict/alcoholic gets when they come to a point whereby they realize unconditionally that they will die if they continue, and they choose life; they choose that they need to live. This point/choice is traditionally known as "rock bottom", or "the bottom".

A favorite quote of mine, in terms of helping others, is:

There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. ~ Aldous Huxley

When one "saves" or "tries to save" an addict/alcoholic, they become the "enabler", and only prolong the addicts/alcoholics behavior and suffering. If one wants to actually help the addict/alcoholic, they will detach with love. They will offer love and support, but nothing which will allow the addict/alcoholic to continue with the lifestyle. That means no bed to sleep on when the addict/alcoholic has nowhere to stay, no food when the addict/alcoholic is hungry, no money/ food stamps.... nothing.

I will pm you with some info which will be of help to you, but only if you are not addicted to helping the addict. It is often the case that the enabler (as you and your mother are unwittingly are and as I was) are just as messed up as the addict, only without the drugs. The enabler can watch their life savings, their relationships, and their friends all go down the drain trying to help their addict...

There is an organization which is helpful for those that suffer. It was very helpful for me and helped me get through a very dark time in my life less than a year ago. It is called Nar-Anon.

Here's a little of their wisdom:

Enabling, in the context of problematic behaviour regarding addicts, signifies dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help the addict, but in fact may perpetuate the problem. A common theme of enabling, in this sense, is that the enabler takes responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for the addicts harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity, which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the addict does not have to take responsibility for their actions, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. Enabling is a major environmental cause of addiction.

Enabling can be observed in the relationship between the addict and a co-dependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the addict by doing things such as calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment. In reality, what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping.

Enabling can also seen in the relationship between a parent, or parents, and the son or daughter addict. The parent or parents may make excuses for the addict's erratic behaviour, and may themselves withdraw from family or other events which would normally include the addict. The parent tries, out of love, and in the belief that they are helping the addict, to shelter the addict from the consequences of the addicts actions. The parent, or parents, may do this by providing the addict money, paying drug debts, paying the rent or mortgage, paying the addicts bills, buying the addict food or household items, or providing shelter when the addict has nowhere else to go. In reality, what the parent is doing is hurting, not helping.

Enabling prevents psychological growth in the addict, and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.

Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others.

Imagine how these characteristics could play out in parenting. A young child wants candy early in the morning. The parent understands that this will not be a good habit to begin and tells the child "no." The child proceeds to throw a fit and the parent has a choice - to give in or hold firm. The effect of giving in is profound. The child would learn that throwing a fit works, to manipulate others, would not learn how to delay gratification, would have less tolerance to structure such as boundaries in relationships, etc. The short term gain, of getting the child to cease his or her fit, would not be worth the long term consequences that the experience would mean for their development.

Likewise, feeling needed as an enabler is not worth the long term ramifications created by the enabling. The person being enabled will have some difficult short term consequences if the enabling stops, but these experiences are vital to their growth and psychosocial functioning.