The Art of Transformation
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Member: Mabushak
Location: San Francisco, CA
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This blog explores the mechanics behind psychological transformation of the spiritual kind.  It is also where I publish my life's experiences, those that relate to the topics discussd in the Ra Material. 

Beyond Balance: Collapsing Duality
Published by Mabushak on March 29, 2009 1:02am.  Category: Archetypes



1. Hallucinating the "X", an Introduction

2. Resistance and the "X"

3. Beyond Balance: Unity and the Collapse of Duality


One of the most interesting visions I've ever had came to me directly after waking up from an intense dream.  This is the image that I saw, accompanied by the words "Achieve micro-buoyancy":



Since the preceding dream depicted orange-robed men who seemed very assertive and domineering, I intuited the message behind the vision to pertain to the masculine / feminine duality.  Specifically, the half drawn circle seemed to represent a healthy balance between my masculine side and the inner feminine, commonly known as the anima in psychology.  In attaining this balance, I was to achieve a buoyancy, or an elevation of my state of mind. 


The word "micro" kept me guessing, however, and at first I felt it to denote those aspects of my life that were distracting and superficial in nature, thus of microscopic significance.  The synchronicities that I subsequently experienced seemed to act as signs that affirmed this perspective.  (see for the complete story.)

Nevertheless, I realized over time that this vision came with a hierarchical system of possible interpretations, which I have generally seen to be the case with enigmatic messages that surface from the depths.  I can only gleam the truly enlightening revelations when I deliberately seek them out; the symbols used are such that their meanings are held ambiguated, so that the light can shine through in varying angles to depict varying interpretations.  As much as my original understanding of the buoyancy vision made sense in the beginning, it evolved over time and became more insightful. 

It took me a few months to finally understand that the word "micro" signified the tiny portal at the middle of the "X", and that the vision was telling me to manifest both the masculine side and the feminine side simultaneously.  But, how is this possible in a seemingly mutually exclusive, self-contradictory duality?

In the subsequent months, I realized that as the quality of my being increased, the more easily accessible were both sides of the masculine / feminine duality in my own character.  Whereas the more bogged down I was from life's catalysts, the more my personality seemed wedged in a specific proclivity within the system of polarity.  And, whenever I broke through to a higher state proper, it was as if both polarities were functioning side by side like a harmoniously married couple, and the benefits of the two distinct polarity charges could be reaped.  As illogical as this sounds, during a higher state of mind, dualities collapse and opposite extremes are available simultaneously; it is as if one has gained a pair of wings.

Let's examine the masculine / feminine system of polarity from the context of balance and spirituality.  It is a spectrum which is quite rich and its expressions numerous and widely varied.  It also serves to rather easily demonstrate how being polarized in one extreme or another possesses a strong charge, specific to that polarity. 

As discussed in the Ra Material, this charge is similar to polarization in electricity; the more charge is built up, the more can there be potential difference between one individual and another and the ability to perform work. 


Upon careful observation of the people one has met throughout a lifetime, it should be apparent that given all the men, for example, who carry a strong masculine charge, there are varying degrees to how balanced they are with respect to their feminine side.  The same goes for very feminine women.  In other words, despite being polarized to the extreme in one direction, some retain a sense of balance with the opposite polarity, while others possess the attributes of one charge but are completely lacking in that of the other.  Why is this so?

Some of my earliest intuitions about the "X" symbol depicted the two lines in the bottom portion as the opposite extremes of a system of polarity; the closer to the edge lies a personality's proclivity, the more the individual possesses the charge of that polarity.  The interesting point of this pictorial representation is that it shows how one can be both balanced as well as possessing of a strong charge.  For, as one approaches the middle of the "X", both lines start to converge into unity.  Below is a version of the "X" that shows the symbol's relationship to polarization.


Careful scrutiny of the nature of dualities from an evolutionary context reveals the need to shed much of the superficial aspects of polarized extremes.  Movement upwards along the "X" demonstrates the ever dimimutive spectrum inherent in dualities as one approaches a proclivity that enables a psychologically transformative experience.

In the case of the masculine / feminine duality, there are many culturally determined behaviors appropriated to each extreme, and they represent learned qualities that are to be differentiated from those that are inherent in our nature.  On the masculine side, the very masculine man at essence typically possesses much assertive power, generally seen to be of the authoritative and hardenned type, as one who directs energy (as Don Elkins once put it).  That is the nature of the masculine charge.  At the bottom of the X, however, such a man also typically displays elements of machismo, overly hardenned where malleability is due, easily gets carried away in his own world of ideas, and is unreceptive to intuition and inner-driven revelations.  As much as such a proclivity could still bring him worldly treasures, from the spiritual perspective his lack of receptivity and adaptability could very well slow down his evolutionary advancement to a snail's pace.

Conversely, a very feminine woman possesses her own kind of power born out of her link with nature, expressing itself through beauty, grace, nurturing love, a profound sense of intuition due to her receptivity, and an abundance of spiritual energy.  However, at the bottom of the X such a woman might be forever at the whims of her emotions, intuitions, and instincts, lacking grounded stability, and unable to find direction in her life or sticking to and achieving her set of goals.


The term "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" most appropriately describes males and females at the bottom of the "X" who are strongly polarized.  Despite their differences at the personal level, the physical attraction to the opposite sex serves to pull the two together to perform the dance of sexual union, a primoridial invitation to reconcile their enacted duality into oneness, indeed one of the many precursors to the spiritual path towards unity.


As one approaches the middle of the "X" in terms of this duality, one has access to the best of both worlds.  On the spiritual path this has a wide array of positive consequences.  On one hand, the feminine charge provides the ability to be receptive to intuitions, to go with the flow and adapt to the situation at any moment, to retain a link with the natural side through receptivity to the deeper layers of the self.  With respect to the masculine charge, one has the ability to direct one's energies, to remain fixated and single-pointed towards a point of focus, to actualize and build upon that which was intuited, and to establish an unwavering integrity with respect to spiritual identity even when faced with a largely nihilistic world.


As one goes up through the middle of the "X", the spectrum of the duality has shed so much of its superfluous properties that it can be seen to be microscopic in scope.  It is as if the duality becomes a wave and an individual then vibrates along the frequency of that wave.  Thus, in the micro world at the top of the "X", one can polarize in both directions simultaneously.


What is probably the most common experience of this kind occurs during a highly inspired creative moment, when one is both directing the act of creativity as well as being spontaneous and abandoned to the muse within.

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Resistance and the "X"
Published by Mabushak on March 24, 2009 3:58pm.  Category: Archetypes


1 Hallucinating the "X", an Introduction

2. Resistance and the "X"




One of my earliest experiences of going through the X occurred while I was listening to a piece of imporvised music I had just recorded.  I felt an incredibly disturbing darkness envelop me that seemed to shatter the very foundation of my being.  A word surfaced on its own whose definition I did not know at the time: Diminution.  When the darkness passed, the world about me was transformed into a profoundly mysterious place, infinitely rich with hidden meaning.

There typically exists a form of resistance between an ordinary and a higher state of mind.  Otherwise, the mystical experience would be shared by many.  One of my earliest dreams that expressed this showed me driving my car in an endless freeway that was parallel to another freeway which seemed to represent a higher dimension.  I was one of the few who wanted to exit my current freeway to enter the higher one.  As I steered off the exit ramp, the road became incredibly bumpy and dangerous, and at the entrance to the next freeway there were snipers that shot at all those attempting to merge into the traffic.

Ra, in discussing the 4D harvestability of a 3D entity, said: "To cross that threshold is difficult. There is resistance at the edge, shall we say, of each density."  Breaking through to a higher state of mind while in 3D is similarly difficult.  One could say that such resistance is an archetypal pattern underlying spiritual growth in general.

The X depicts this difficulty because one's traversal must go up through the ever diminutive intersection of lines in the middle.  I have quite often had the uncomfortable feeling of being compressed before reaching a higher state of mind, one that seemed to squeeze the ego out of me before I finally slipped through what felt to be the tiniest of portals.  This is sometimes accompanied by a momentum that seems irreversable, but even after the higher state is reached there is the very real risk of stumbling and suddenly experiencing an excruciating drop in spirits, not unlike being torn apart by the effects of a black hole.  Selflessness is the key in such scenarios, so that like a ray of light one smoothly speeds through, and the bloating of the ego is the equivalent of the sudden attainment of mass, to be ripped apart by impossibly powerful forces.

Attaining selflessness can also be expressed as a loss of self, or the stripping away of those aspects that are unnecessary or superfluous with respect to one's spiritual path.  In many spiritual teachings, giving oneself up in humble sacrifice is a central theme behind transformation. In session 94, Ra said: "All things in manifestation may be seen in one way or another to be offering themselves in order that transformations may take place upon the level appropriate to the action."
Artists, writers, musicians, and other creative types sometimes go through periods in which their creativity is blocked and inaccessible.  An inspired state of mind itself can be considered a higher state in mild form; after all, my own mystical states evolved out of my creative states over time.  Thus, to reach an inspired state, the laws inherent in the X pattern also apply.

Most creative people know all too well that they can't force an inspired state to occur.  Indeed, the harder one tries the more difficult it is to reach a break through.  That is because the ego has been bloated and hardened with the desire to succeed, whereas reaching the center of the creativity-based X demands a diminution in size, a form of micro-simplicity and child-like playfulness.  This kind of carefree going-with-the-flow is difficult to achieve especially when the artist has high goals to materialize her/his specific, farseeing visions and this turns into a balancing act that can get quite tricky, for the blend of energies required are almost paradoxical, being both serious and playful, carefree yet ambitious, etc.

After building up the intensity of focus upon the goal of finding inspiration, however, when and if one returns to a state of selflessness, or, better yet, a state of complete resignation and of giving up entirely, one often subsequently slips into a most inspired and potentially productive phase, as long as the ego in turn does not dwell on its sense of defeat.  I cannot recall how many times I have returned to work on Monday morning after a frustrating weekend of trying to find inspiration, only to suddenly get flooded with ideas relating to the failed creative project as soon as I resigned myself to the start of the new work week.  The effect is like a psychological slingshot.  Thus, now when I find myself stuck in a creative block, I keep telling myself to die to all my aspirations.  Only when this occurs does the fog begin to lift, and my creativity resumes its steady flow.

The compaction / compression of the X in the middle also suggests, as in the case of the eye of a hurricane, for example, that there is an intense amount of energy involved just outside or surrounding the tiny portal.  The tiniest imbalance suddenly results in an interplay with these intense forces; one can potentially be propelled into the darkest of moods at the slightest misstep.  It is as if one's distortions were magnified under a microscope.

In the early stages of my spiritual path, I used to experience the drop after a high period so often, that I believed it to be simply part of the game.  Over time, I realized that the turbulent oscillations were not necessary and they were avoidable by adhering to various disciplines of the personality such as finding balance, keeping the ego trim, and retaining a positive perspective.  Even to this day, however, I am extra careful.  When I am close to reaching a higher state of mind I try to remain solitary because the slightest argument or feeling of guilt that arises from a conversation, for example, can have dire consequences psychologically.  The effects of normal, everyday catalysts are intensified dramatically.

On the other hand, the intense interplay of forces could possibly not only sweep one into a state of heavenly bliss, but also propel one towards faraway, unchartered psychological territory that could be quite bizarre and never to be experienced again.  It is very similar to being picked up and thrown a long distance by a hurricane.

As is commonly known, finding balance, losing the ego, and achieving selflessness are all goals found in most spiritual teachings.  With respect to the X pattern, this is due to the necessity of slipping through the tiniest of psychological portals and retaining stability in the midst of intensified forces.

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Hallucinating the "X", an Introduction
Published by Mabushak on March 23, 2009 10:47am.  Category: Archetypes

Greetings in love and light to everyone.  As my first post, I wish to thank Carla and the llresearch / bring4th team for providing this virtual space where we can express our thoughts.  This is where I shall be publishing my life's experiences and evolution-based lessons that relate to the topics discussed in the Ra Material.

I began experiencing heightened states of consciousness during my solitary college years.  At first, they were simply states in which I was able to be creative and inspired.  Over time, they became deeply transformative spiritual experiences that I later found to resemble those described by mystics and gurus.  The feeling of oneness with the world, unconditional love, the appreciation of sacredness in everything, dualities collapsing, unnusually strong clarity and awareness, an open connection to the unconscious / inner self; these recurring qualities of being became a part of my inventory of experience and they eventually made my ordinary states feel uncomfortable and incredibly limited.  Over time, I became entirely focused on reaching my higher states and, perhaps naively, attempting to directly share them with others through artistic and musical expression, as well as through the written word (you can browse a rather comprehensive body of my work at

When I graduated from college and took on a demanding, full-time job, my higher states became more and more difficult to reach, even though my determination to do so only grew over time.  Subsequently, a curious thing began to occur: I started hallucinating an "X" almost whenever I closed my eyes, and this continues to occur to this very day (although now with less frequency).

Intuitions surfaced over the years as to the underlying meaning behind this symbol and I eventually realized that the "X" was a roadmap, albeit a simple one, that could shed much light upon how higher states of mind are reached.

My preliminary insights were simple, that one began in the lower middle portion of the "X" and the upper middle portion was a higher state or a spiritual transformation.  I remember that the very first related image that surfaced from my subconscious depicted the upper portion with a rainbow and a palm tree, as if it were a heavenly paradise.

Over the years, exploring the "X" symbol developed into a rich system of thought that has enhanced my understanding of the spiritual experience, as well as other aspects of the field of Psychology in general.  The following image highlights some of the basic ideas behind the "X" (by no means is it comprehensive) and suggests that the shape could be an archetypal pattern which informs not only certain psychological experiences, but various natural phenomena as well, namely those that involve vorticity (hurricanes, whirlpools, and black holes / white holes).

In summary, the X pattern describes a process of movement or transformation over time, an upwards traversal from the lower to the upper portion of the X.  This typically involves 1) a compression, a compaction, or a funneling into a central point of focus, 2) a traversal through this point acting as a tiny portal, and 3) a release and/or expansion on the other side which, in the psychological case, is associated with a transformation.  In vortex-based natural phenomena, the first part also involves spinning, which is also the case in some psychological scenarios that I will describe in subsequent posts.

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