My one place to share my thoughts, mostly on my personal experience.
January 28, 2019
Published by B61zz13 on January 28, 2019 11:57pm. Category: General
Today signifies a change in scenery and the start of a new chapter. I will be driving from San Diego, California to Miami, Florida starting today! I will reuniting with my parents and staying with them for the duration of this year. It's the move that I've anticipated for a little while, one that I know will bring certain lessons and catalyst that I look forward to working with. Aside from that, I want to solidify my relationship with my family as well. In some ways, it is to crystallize my yellow ray center. I can't help but see it from that angle, where I move into the ray that involves families, communities, groups, etc. This is far from just an analytical decision or strategy, for it really does involve this certainty that my mind itself cannot explain. I'm following my gut, so to speak. It's time to take off. San Diego is such a beautiful town and it's so serene right now, almost a metaphor for how I'll be stepping back into the rugged, harsh winds that lie beyond the city itself. It's all one funny little movie that I'll probably enjoy more watching back past this incarnation, but I hope to enjoy playing the role at the very least! In the end, everything dissolves into the Great Mystery.All is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on January 12, 2019 2:33am. Category: Journal Entry
"Personal Truth": Whenever I become imbalanced (not permanently, but rather based on the moment the occasion arrives), it has been most of the time based on my own free will, with some influence due to some lingering thoughts I tend to act upon. The other situations that throw me off balance tend to be situations out of my control, and even from other people that come in and out of my life. One such rare but clear example of being knocked out of the metaphorical stool of stability is those of a "negative influence". Even using the phrase "negative influence" is so poor of a description, but this is the best I can do... actually, I can do better. I would like to call them "unreconciled portions of the Self". In all honestly, I don't recall a time where after bringing the self from imbalance back to balance, I didn't confront the same situation with a new and more wholesome view of it. In almost all the cases, especially with other people, I'm able to go deeper than the surface and realize that most people lack the intention or awareness of being "negative" or "unreconcilable". However, there are times where I do face these types of situations and I am taken aback with a rude awakening (they're not really rude, just "tough love" but you get the idea). In the November 21, 2009 transcript, Q'uo states: "And when it is very important to you as a soul stream that this particular incarnational lesson be met and balanced, the ten-minute quizzes can come fast and furiously, one upon another. The test hasn't changed, the question hasn't changed, but it has hit you at a different point in your spiritual evolution and it has hit you in a novel way..." To be clear, I truly believe that other selves bring to light a portion the self that has been ignored, neglected, or just not inspected upon thoroughly. However, I have also found that there are times where the self cannot help but defend itself, especially when it comes to other selves. It may not be done with anger, a rebuttal, or a defensive stance, but it usually ends up with me remaining silent, because I know I don't want to escalate the situation with harsher words. Not much to be said except to find some ways to go about our day in the smoothest of manners.
I would write some more, but even I feel like I'm trying to ride a ferris wheel that's old and outdated for myself. At the end of the day, all things wash away into the Great Mystery. All I'm left with is faith that will guide me through uncharted territory.
I will end this entry with what I find to be really helpful, taken from Jim's blog dated January 11, channeled by Carla L. Rueckert in "A Book of Days": A Call To Action
I am of the principle of Jesus the Christ and I greet you in the full consciousness of love.
This instrument asks me, "Am I ready? Am I tuned?" and we say, "No, my child. You are not ready, but you shall begin."
And this is our call to those who live and hope to be pure, a call to action in knowledge that those who live are never ready. Those who are finally ready have no more acting to do.
Therefore, my children, be at peace with the actions which you undertake this day, seeking always to know the mind of Christ and to dwell in realms of peace.
And then so act that you may continue to be surrounded in the plenty and the bounty of peace in action. Those who are tranquil in activity are not necessarily wiser, yet they surely may act with more clarity. May you find this peace dwelling within you and within the world that you create around you.
Published by B61zz13 on January 4, 2019 3:44am. Category: Journal Entry
Since Christmas Eve, up until New Year's Eve, it felt like I've been in the valley of the shadow of death. It really did feel like riding a bicycle over a straight plank, with joy on one side and sorrow on the other. The dark night of the soul is the best way to describe it. Yet, the odd thing is that I prefer being in this barren, bleak terrain, guided only by the moonlight and faith, than to rejoice in the abundance of vitality and "happiness". It's still a sign of one trying to make the spiritual temperature, but nonetheless it is the truth. I studied some of the Q'uo transcripts on Jesus Christ himself, in lieu of Christmas, and found them very fascinating. I feel like a bit of Christ dwells in me, with parallels in our journeys as well. After one of my meditation sessions during the dark night of the soul, I stumbled upon this phrase: "I am too prideful". I have received guidance in the form of impactful one-liners before, but I have learned to be discerning with them as well, for although they all do have validity, I must approach them all with the greatest of care. These forms of guidance require further contemplation and distillation of emotions, if they come with them. In this case, yes I have been very prideful of myself, especially in the presence of others. I have lost the eagerness to "taste other people's Souls", as Q'uo puts it in one of their channelings, in regards to those with spiritual pride (I did study a couple of transcripts in regards to spiritual pride as well). Ever since then, I feel like I've shed a layer of skin off of me, that skin being pride itself, and felt the Creator's worth wash me like a shower made of light (it's the most literal way I can put it). Speaking of meditation, the top of my head has been "vibrating like mad" almost day in and day out. This is only my suspicion, in that I have activated my indigo-ray center and have accessed intelligent infinity. The active portion above my head, mostly during my meditations, tend to rush down to the front of my forehead and make its way to the sides of my head and even behind my nose. There's even been times where it makes my jaw want to naturally open. I can't seem to fully bring it on a conscious level, so it comes "randomly", so to speak (it's not really random in the greater scheme of things, but only from my very limited viewpoint as a human).This sensation came after the "dropping" of the outer skin of pride. From an emotional/spiritual standpoint, it feels like the outer need to to develop a sense of self-worth has been naturally substituted with an innate sense of worth from the Creator itself. I have no need to prove to anyone or even myself that I am worthy, it just feels undeniable. That's not to say I won't deal with such catalyst anymore. What I'm saying is that I can see the Self more clearly in a more detached manner, and balance myself "easier". It's still difficult to describe it, and even after reading the Q'uo transcripts on intelligent infinity and Ra's take on it, there's still a big mystery behind it.
I started retaking multivitamins, because I have suspected that the reasons for higher sensitivity to the cold in my hands and feet were a result from low vitamin levels, or at least my absorption was not high. So at this point, either I'm not absorbing enough of one or more vitamins, or I'm just not consuming enough of it. Either way, I found a complete improvement once I started taking them again. Funny enough, I remember taking multivitamins for this issue before, but I completely overlooked it. My knees aren't aching too!I'm surprised multivitamins did help on that aspect as well. I hope to go back to running once again and be in good shape for when I go back to the Marine Corps Reserve. I drove for Uber on New Year's Eve, and it was really fun! I met all kinds of people, and it was fairly profitable that night. However, I'm now cursed with waking up at 12 PM because of my late bedtime. I don't like the night shift like I used to before, and I'll try to revert back to my day shift by waking up earlier with an alarm clock. I'm usually reliant on the sun to wake me up automatically at 8 in the morning but even sleeping at 11 PM does will still have me wake up at 12 PM. Ruminations: This founding of intelligent infinity only opens up many doors, and I'm still wondering what should I do with this. I feel like the world is absolutely open to me (even more than before), and yet, I still have no clue as to what to externally manifest. I am once again thrown into the wilderness of the world, but never without guidance and support. I know I am already a lighthouse for the Creator to shine forth his light, and yet, I am still super lost lol. The only external motivator I can find is taking care of my parents; in the deeper, more intrinsic nature, I want to become a healer or channeled of some sort in the magical sense. I want to take things to the next level in some way. I feel like it would suit me better to take on a more mystical kind of work. Yet, the funny thing about life is that I could also be doing quite the opposite in the external sense; Being in charge of a company, doing more "physical" work, and meeting more people. I'm just so clueless, bottom line. I just want some of the direction under my guise. I'm not as fond as doing other people's work, to put it bluntly. I want to do my own work, for Pete's sake! I can be human too. I still have to hah.
All is well. Nothing is lost.
PS: I'm still drinking caffeinated coffee. We are in love again.
Published by B61zz13 on December 15, 2018 5:07am. Category: Journal Entry
The mental/emotional changes that Winter brings are starting to affect me. Despite being in a fairly moderate city in terms of climate, the wind chill is enough to ache the nerves and bones on my hands. The minor arthritis on my knees and hands is slightly more apparent. To top it all, the holiday seasons are not too kind to me emotionally, and depression is a common guest. Nevertheless, I come better equipped thanks to the help of meditation. Meditation has been the biggest aid to adding comfort to my life in the absence of my family. My meditations have not been as profound as of lately, mostly because of my depressions and other surface catalyst (I would assume) but I never go in with the expectation of achieving nirvana or any other hocus pocus form of enlightenment. I think I would like to be disappointed in the more mundane of things and not in the spiritual sense! I've been substituting caffeinated coffee with decaffeinated options. I'm still adapting I suppose. I don't mind the flavor of coffee, but the sugar makes me a little sleepy. The taste of coffee may never fully be substituted. All is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on December 5, 2018 6:55am. Category: Journal Entry
My attempt to meditate as of today went well, although my appreciation for such attemps can sometimes come short. I didn't necessarily berate nor scold the self, but I certainly was a bit annoyed over the "results". My knees felt a dull but bothersome pain when in my sitting position, and I kept feeling itchy on certain parts of my legs and having to scratch myself to provide relief. I won't try to amuse you with the idea that it is possible to enjoy meditating in the backseat of your car, but what else can I do? Lol. As a balancing act, all I could do is sigh and say, "this shall do." For the days to follow, I shall try to go for a walk first prior to meditating in order to stretch my tendons and muscles and let my skin breathe. I remembered how effective that addition was for my meditation on Sunday. I did some budgeting as to figure out how much money I need to earn just to stay afloat while driving for Uber. I certainly don't need an absurd amount, but it helps to also plan for future monetary goals that I may want to reach, especially if I want to save some money, pay off debt, etc. I have achieved a good baseline. Speaking of baseline, it's been a good couple of months since I've implemented a very simple, consistent meal plan to my daily routine. I found it to be the most effective to follow, as it fulfills my daily nutritional values, and most importantly, my fiber intake to help alleviate my issues with emptying my stool with hemorrhoids. One major change that I will have to undergo is my consumption of coffee. I only drink a daily dose of 12 ounces a day of dark roast coffee, a relatively harmless amount for most users. However, my mood swings are starting to reappear once again, and caffeine is likely at fault, even at small amounts. I end up feeling mad or even depressed for no reason, with little to no fault from the other person that I'm interacting with. It's a hindrance that I personally don't need, as I see it. I've abstained from consuming caffeine altogether before, so it'll have to be done. I know of the immediate benefits to doing so, but oh lord I love the aroma and bold taste of coffee! Ye shall be missed. All is well. Nothing is lost
Published by B61zz13 on December 1, 2018 2:35am. Category: Journal Entry
It's been a while, and more than likely, my posts will have a couple "whiles" placed in between, so the lack of consistency will always be there, until further notice lol. I apologize for the formatting as well, as I'm doing this on my phone, a note-taking app to say the least. I saw a white owl a few days ago, flying past my car as I merged into the highway/freeway. I'm no stranger to these sightings, as I've encountered the white owl many a moons ago and many times to follow. I took it as a sign for a transition in life, call it a mini-death so to speak. Not sure if it serves as a "checkpoint" in my life but I've certainly passed a couple of hurdles this November. Synchronicities never really show themselves their true meaning. The more I think I know, the more I truly don't know and find comfort in having faith that all is well. A few transitions in my life are heading my way for sure. I'm at the stage where I want to start creating "things". I already have a meme page and making original memes as a means to channel my "negativity" into positivity, and bring humor of course. I'm starting to realize the wants and needs of people around me and I want to contribute to those wants and needs. I'm building my own gifts to give, so to speak. The student is becoming the teacher. I also would love to visit Jim and do some meditations and partake in channelings some day. Doing healings is in the back of my mind, although Ra has pointed out the initiations that do accompany such undertakings. Nevertheless, it is a possibility I don't want to brush over. I'm having some pains on my fingers, ankles and knees as of lately. I can't certainly run 3 miles as consistent as I used to a few years ago. I've resorted to doing 30-minute walks and calistenics every half a mile as a means to keep my muscular strength and enjoy nature however way I can. I was going to go back to school this Spring Semester but the VA presented another roadblock for veterans to receive their GI Bill housing allowance. Rather than being a statistic, I'm letting them resolve the problems. Hope it doesn't take more than a few months to fix! I can only speak of the current events around my life simply because I'm still trying to find a proper format in which to discuss metaphysical matters in a more concise and wholesome manner. Not to say that my life is not filled with such matters, but I'd like to make my focus more selfless and universal. I'll figure out a way within the next post or so. For the time being, I'm reading posts from @the_law_of_one on Instagram and the transcripts featured on the Bring4th homepage on a daily basis, as well as recently reading Jim's blogs more often. Glad that Jim is going through the Law of One sessions from the start again, I feel like I'm actually getting even more bits and pieces of golden nuggets I've missed. I think we all do.
Published by B61zz13 on February 13, 2018 4:48am. Category: Journal Entry
Big things, little things, what can I say? As a witness and someone who's experienced all that has been experienced, a lot of the intentions and actions set forth from the past have driven me forward and paid "dividends". It's not that when I was experiencing such and such moments, I did not fully immerse myself in the catalyst or temptations that were provided to me. It's more of the fact I am starting to become more aware of such building blocks organizing themselves and shaping into something like a temple I can worship... okay, I sort of exaggerated that last part to be honest, but it's one way of illustrating my point.
In retrospect, a lot of the catalyst I have faced in my life have occurred and reoccurred again like a skipping record, while others have come in support of the direction from I choose to seek within. This way as well be a chapter of my life where my fruits are bearing semblance into, well, fruits. Synonymous with Spring, I guess.
To be honest, I've shifted gears away from looking at things from an abstract way, while simultaneously turning away from having to speak of such things in any attempt to have any logical or tangible grasp of them. It gets "tiring" having to wrap my minds around such mysteries and leave them as such: mysteries. The most appropriate way I can explain this: I'm living in the "now", more than ever. I'm here. I am all of the above, none of the above. Anything and everything, nothing and nothing else.
Till then, take care. All is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on August 29, 2017 3:12am. Category: Journal Entry
Nothing crazy so far, but one big change I've done for myself lately is strictly limit my caffeine consumption. For even my lifelong companion, coffee, had to be heavily limited from being around me.
While on my work (and during my time off as well), I would drink an energy drink almost every day. It became a ritual for me, almost a normalcy to add to my daily routine. I went back and forth with the issue that it was the fact that I needed to get rid of the consumption of sugar (or at least a good majority of it) from my diet. I would switch between sugar-free energy drinks to drinking sugared energy drinks and coffee.
It turns out that both options weren't even viably sustainable for me anymore. Sugar-free energy drinks, while free of sugar and a possible crash, messed with my stool; and sugared energy drinks, while not impacting my stool as long as I continued my well dosages of water throughout the day, left me feeling sluggish at times and just "something that I had to push through". It got to the point where even energy drinks made me sick regardless, and I decided to withdraw from them, cold turkey.
Last week, I began feeling these headaches after 2-3 days of not consuming any form of caffeine, whether coffee, energy drinks, or tea. My work days turned into half-days and only did about 4 hours each day. However, after those days, I felt somewhat better. like my energy source was "cleaner" in some way. It wasn't too impactful in the short term, like having an insane boost after withdrawing, but in the long term, I definitely felt like the energy I was getting was far more natural and I only had to rely on drinking water. Speaking of water, I ended up drinking almost a whole gallon each day as well, something I haven't done in a while.
I only allowed myself to get a cup of coffee the past Saturday because it was more of a reward and not a necessity for me. I started to not like the feeling of caffeine now. I really do sincerely love coffee, and have done so for many years (I got that from my mom, thanks to her) but if I do really want to enjoy it, I will consume far less caffeine in general and save the craving for maybe once or twice a week.
Energy drinks are out of the question, even if it's only 8 ounces at the very minimum. I'd rather drink coffee and control the amount of sugar in it. The plan stays as such: drink only 1 cup of coffee a week, nothing greater than 12 ounces in that does.
In another time, in another place... but no matter what, I'm here in the now.
Published by B61zz13 on January 6, 2017 9:47pm. Category: Journal Entry
No fancy way to start this entry. It's been an interesting month, changing gears and facing certain catalysts of a different sort. Prior to ending my semester at college, I asked a couple of other girls for their number and to see where things may go. I hope to set up some dates with them. It's unfortunate that I can't meet them all too soon, simply because I asked a handful of them out. I'll have to plan accordingly and prioritize whom I prefer going out with.
I flew from home to visit my parents in Miami. In fact, I'm still here in Miami until mid-January. I decided not to drive here, and left the car with my roommate. I didn't feel like driving for 12+ days, from and back to California in total. Gas prices haven't lowered during the winter months, which is a surprise. Everything pointed to me taking a plane, and thus was a more favorable choice.
Adjusting to staying at my parents was a bit rough at first. Not that there is dysfunction and chaos in the household, but sometimes I found my mom annoying at times. I don't know, something like that. Either way though, most of that tension was internal and rather a sign that I was trying to adjust to my new surroundings... or maybe I'm just rationalizing lol
Anyways, I'm convinced that the Mercury Retrograde brought great catalyst to deal with and filter down the roots of my mind, body and spirit. A small moment in this big universe but nonetheless helpful. Not much need to go in depth of this phenomenon.
It's been really harmonious in the household, with my parents and younger sister. It's a very different feel, compared to last year. I allow my mom and dad to be themselves more and more, and being like a mirror and a sounding board to them is really comforting. It's not that this is all a conscious exercise or that I'm doing this forcefully, but I know I've done a lot of growing this past year, and it's definitely having a positive effect to those around me. Can't be short of humble here.
I've been diving down the oceans of consciousness each night, questioning myself, "Who am I?" (it sounds cliche, but it really is helpful). The more and more I journey on, the more am I convinced that this has to do with polarity less and less, at least for me. As Ra said, "...there is no polarity, no right or wrong, no disharmony, only polarity" (Session 4.20) (funny how the digits "420" have been appearing more and more synchronistically). I struggle less and less with the idea of being more service-to-others or not to be too compassionate or wise. Of course, it's all a balancing act, and we will always be thrown into a mess of imbalances and feeling a lack of one essence over the other. However, all of that comes with the present moments, the "now". I'm starting to see the distinction of darkness and light far easier, most certainly, but more am I realizing that these two sides are of the same coin. I find no fault in those who choose STS over STO. It's just as viable as choosing the latter. It's not even something I can just rationalize, but rather feel in my heart. I accept it all.
The few things that have been confusing me more is, "what inspires me now?" I know what I want as any profession, yet I know there are other things in life that I wouldn't mind getting a detour through. I'm in that weird phase where I should plan my future goals and endeavors ahead and no matter what, go along with it despite any doubts I may have. That's what I intuit.
What's to come? Well, either I go back to school or take a last shot at going back in the military for a few months, maybe even more. Whatever I choose, I know I shall choose well. Aside from that, it'll be all is well. Nothing is lost.