Published by Ankh on April 7, 2011 1:20pm. Category: General
A year has passed. I remember standing in my living room. My husband was at work, and my daughter was at kindergarden. I was standing and glazing out of the window, some time in March/April 2010. My whole being was a big sore wound. I cried out in my thoughts and mind, reached out my arms to the sky, the Earth and all that there is beging it to stop. I put my whole being in a pray for this insanity to end. I knew on a deep level that I was in service in the way that I was at that present moment, that everything was as it supposed to be, which is quite impressive, at least from my own perspective, at that time. But I didn't want to be part of it anymore. I wanted to become conscious about what was going on. I desired to wake up from that mad house I was living in.
For 33 years I have been walking upon this Earth and nearly 19 years of them I've spent looking for something. I had a deep wound inside of me that felt like razorblades. Oh so many methods I have tried. Some days it was unbearable. I have been looking for the answers under each stone and behind every corner, but never finding them. I've been reading Bhagavad Gita, Bible, hunduism, buddhism, mystics, magics, reincarnations theories, philosophy, you name it. I felt resonance from time to time but never stopped seeking. I found my biggest interest in a swedish writer who wrote about reincarnation, magic and other worlds. I understand now that he was a Wanderer. Every time I read his stories about other worlds I felt a big lump in my stomach, tears were burning in my eyes and I had a bitter taste in my mouth. I was longing so much to these worlds, so much for the unity and harmony, but never ever considered that I belonged there. Because I was not worthy living in these environments. I was unworthy of such beauty and glory and love and light. So I created my own world. A planet where development went the other way as compare to Earth. Entities on that planet were harmonious and never bellicose. They lacked money and barter system, and was freely giving service to others. If they felt joy they showed it. If they felt sorrow they cried. If they wanted to share something, no matter how sensitive it was, they did that without holding anything back. They shared. The orientation of their progress was mostly of metaphysical nature, and earthly life concerned relationsships and sexual uniting. I decided an appropriate name of that planet would be Raia. It had to end with -ia, as planet Gaia was also mentioned.
I finished that book in October and right after that, and approximately seven months after my cry for help, I came across Law of One link at some spiritual website. And here is where I still haven't found the right words for all that I felt during this period and still feeling. I still have no words for the gratitude that exists in my heart. And the love I've once again discovered. And that meaning that I was looking for, for 19 years, is now beaming with its light.
Oh I am the one to know the pain and suffer upon this planet. I am the one to know the loneliness and emptiness that exists in the creation. There were times when I found myself in such a deep dark hole that my spirit had no longer any expression for it. Cry, is still an expression used to react to something. I've been in a places, during my childhood, where I no longer found any expression for what I experienced. Darkness is not even a word for where I've been. Why? Because of love. Because I wanted to be of service regardless the personal costs. I had this dream when I was a teenager. I was visited by my current mother on my space base. I was in a physical form that we would call alien. We talked and she asked for my help. "I will help you then", was my final answer. With a thought I opened up a field leak in the floor and entered that bright, non human, lightning in that hole, knowing that I would "die" now. And so I resurrected here.
33 years later I found my home again. Right now the memories of these 33 years flash before my eyes. Being raised in an extremely negative STS environment (I would say that the number approached, during some periods, 95-99%) I developed a complex post traumatic stress disorder. One of the hallmarks of that disorder is flashbacks. It is a memory played out in your inner sight during the daytime, while you are still awake. To this memory there are emotions and thoughts attached that belong to that memory. Funny thing with human psyche that those flashbacks that were reminding me of better times and my true family were never ever been considered as real, but the most horrible moments of this life were instantly accepted.
Today when I feel grounded, and in tune with Earth, with my basic self and surroundings, flashbacks remind me of my childhood before age of seven. When I lived with my lovely grandmother. I was that harmonious entity that was in tune with the self, the life, every thing, every emotion, every event that was going on. I noticed everything around me and lived in the present moment. I could hear a bird song and were rejoicing that sound. I could hear a train or a car and was rejoicing that gadget. I could smell exhaust from trucks and old cars and still rejoicing everything around me. I was grounded and present. This is who I am. So every time I find myself in that state of being I cuddle in it, dwell in every sound, every emotion, every thought, and memories remind me of that past.
Hopefully, the hardest part is over now, at least for this life time. I feel tired, I want to go home, but I won't. I feel also an honour for being here and trying my very best to increase those planetary vibrations Ra was talking about. I do Gaia meditations and try to radiate whatever rays I can come in touch with for the moment. Sometimes I cannot feel it, but use my logics, knowing my basic self, and that is to be of service anyway, despite that I am tired, exhausted, hungry, thirsty or whatever other obstacle we experience being here. Sometimes I fail. To be of service behind the veil is not easy. To be of service after 11 years of horror is definitely not easy at all. So I give myself a breather today. Just to celebrate this year which past and the difference I experience. It is like two different eras in my life. The life Before Ra, and the life After.
Oh dear Lord... I am home now. Thank you, Carla. Thank you, Jim. Thank you, Don. Thank you, my beloved Ra. Thank you, L/L Research. Thank you, my dear family. Thank you, everybody for everything! Without you I wouldn't be here. And thank you, our Infinite Creator for everything!
Published by Ankh on March 24, 2011 1:58pm. Category: General
I've been through something mindblowing.
We all have heard of the advice to ask our guidance system, Higher Self or whatever one puts the faith in to answer the queries, questions or whatever problem one is experiencing. Somehow I've never done it for a specific purpose, or maybe I've never received so strong answer before, I don't know. I've always received the answer as an "aaa" experience, like a thought that I didn't think of before or as a dream and similar. But nothing like this, as far as I can remember it.
Anyway, I had/have one problem that really bothered me, and I saw that problem as an obstacle on my path. Wherever I turned – there it was! Catalysts were hiting me in my most vulnerable spots, and I seemed not be able to balance them. So it came to a point where I experienced almost a desperation for not being able to see beyond that problem and all these catalysts.
When I went to meditation instead of the usual prayer to my Higher Self I prayed for something else. I reached out to It and my prayer was something like this: "O Great Spirit that I am a little part of, I am humbly asking you to give me the answer to this specific feeling/problem and how shall I proceed with it. If it is of benefit and is appropriate for me to know this, I am humbly asking you to partially remove the veil in the way You find it appropriate so I can see beyond the illusion of this problem. When and if this happens I don't want the results to harm or cause any disharmony to me/us, my family or the Wholeness." This prayer is edited and not fully complete. More about it soon.
The thing with magical workings is that very soon I forget about it. I don't know why it works like this, that one needs to forget, but it has been stated by another Wanderer and it highly resonates with me: "When you make a wish/postulate let it go after you are done. Because if you hold this bird in your hands, it cannot fly and make your wish come true." Mostly this occurs by itself. I really do forget.
Approximately 6 hour after the meditation, when I completely forgot about it, the veil partially was removed and I could see beyond the illusion. There was so much more to it, there were so much that is undescribable that Magic itself become unimaginable and I am not able to put it into the words, thus words themselves are sacred. Of course I have been dreaming, and I have been feeling and hoping for light and love and all that glory and the beauty, but it is not comparable to the reality I experienced. Reality, the reality that we don't even dare to dream of, is so much, much, MUCH more!
Firstly I just got stunned. Then I understood that this state would eventually fade away, that this wouldn't last forever. But I also understood that while it lasted, I had to enjoy it like there was no tomorrow and like a fragile moment of treasure it was. Then I heard a long distance voice, soft and tender like a Mothers, that kindly reminded a distracted child about what it supposed to do. Oh my God! I thought. The veil was partially removed as I asked it and I could get my answer! Oh my Holy Spirit! And that Magical Being that is the future me, my Higher Self, was smiling at me, sending so much love and light, that no words are actually able to describe it! So I sat down and started to work. I had to write the answer down. And everything else that I experienced while the veil was partially removed. Next time the catalysts will hit me, I'll know why and for what purpose, but I had to remember it. The answer was not as I expected, it was so much more. Really, I can really, relate to saying that reality is much more beautiful than fiction!
So to practical stuff for those who would like to know how this was achieved. First of all, I think that difference between my earlier queries and this one is the intimate contact established with the Higher Self. It is achieved gradually, with trust and love that with time transforms into an intimate relationship. Part of it I've allready been writing in this blog. Secondly, was the sincerity I put into my question to the Higher Self. Actually I also put a lot of desperation in it too, there was a call from my Lesser being for help. Why do I feel what I feel? I wondered why this occurs and what can I do about it? How shall I proceed? That cry for help contained also an understanding that it might not be beneficial for me to know the answer, but I would be happy if I could receive the tools and guidance for how to work with it. Why is it there, that obstacle? What am I supposed to learn from it? And those kind of answers that I shall receive, that is beneficial for me, is best known for the Higher Self. So I put that meaning in that query too. The partially veil penetration was desireable for Lesser self, but only if that was for the best for not only both of us, Lesser and Higher Self, but also for my family and the Wholeness.
In my humble opinion, since we are in 3D, where our minds are veiled and confused, it is of absolute importance to try to think through what you want to ask/know, and then put it in words. I've been "talking" with my Higher Self and other Beings through my spine, not using words, like something between telepathy and feelings. It is very enjoyable and when they answer, I often get shivers and tickles attached to the thoughts they answer with in my body and we smile to each other. But if there is something specific, like this problem, a real obstacle that hinder you on your path, then the best achieved result in my case was achieved by putting it in detailed words. IMHO, as we are veiled 3D beings it is the narrowing of the confused and distracted mind into the focus of what you perceive of most importance that gets you the result. However, this is my understanding, and everyone have their own.
I just got a glimpse that Magic is so much more than I ever dreamt of – and – I've dreamt a lot! :)
Published by Ankh on March 22, 2011 5:42pm. Category: General
I am still struggling with extreme homesickness. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I can't balance it. It is extreme pain and missing that brings me to the heart of my sorrow. No intellectual or logical thoughts seem to comfort it. I think – c'moooon! I've been there for billions of years and I'll go back there (if I graduate of course). What's the rush? This life time is just a dust in infinity. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how logical the thoughts are. They can't comfort the heart. The heart is still aching with missing and bathing in pain. It's enough to see one word, one word only, and it's like a huge wave of sharp pain, deep sorrow and depression washes over me. Homesicknesses sweeps me away from the present moment into infinite ocean of neverending missing.
Maybe I am doing something wrong? I mean c'mooon – give me a break! For how long do I have to suffer through this issue? I know a lot of Wanderers but none of them seem to have this severe homesickness. What's wrong with me? Somewhere in my deapth I think that this is something I programmed for myself and needed to experience for whatever reason and I am responsibile for this feeling myself. It is I who don't want to release that missing. Why don't I want to release this? Oh I think that it is a complicated issue, which I don't grasp completely yet. And maybe it is also a bit about why RA mentioned Wanderers, graduation and all that stuff, because it is time for us to wake up and smell the coffee. It's time to go home. God knows for how long we've been dancing around here and enjoying flowers along the road? Gaia becoming 4D+ Earth, graduates and others 4D+ are taking over. 3D entities are going to be moved some place else, starting a new 3D cycle. And our brothers and sisters are all calling us home now? Oh if I only knew that for sure! But the only thing that I know for sure is these feelings that arise.
I promised myself to start accepting all that comes up inside of me. To not block it because it's uncomfortable. And as soon I let these feelings free they consumed me. I suffer from tremendious homesickness. Whatever catalyst I programmed for myself pre-incarnatively regarding this issue – it was not nice!
Good thing I am going to work tonight and will have to focus on bigger issues than my sad self. Otherwise I would probably be drowning my sorrows in alcohol vapours, which is never creative, but sometimes it's just impossible to just breathe in the moment...
Published by Ankh on March 13, 2011 4:11pm. Category: General
Woaw what a dream I had!
There was a global disaster and I found myself with a group of survivors. I felt uncertained with them and we were in some area that looked like Egypt. They decided to make me their leader, their pharao, but since I am a woman they put two veils on my face and shoulders to disguise that fact.
Then one young girl entered the room. She was about 15 years old. She was told to do the striptease dance for me, and as she started to take off her clothes making her body visible she stopped. She looked straight into my eyes and said: "No! I am too young! Can't you see it?". But I was drunk over the power I had over her and ordered her to keep going. But she was crystal clear that she would not continue, no matter the consequences. So I counted to three and by the three she had to leave the room, otherwise there would be some harsh punishment (I don't remember what punishment).
Another girl entered the room, she was one of my loyal concubines. She wore some pink, western clothes, that she was obtaining during the time that other girl was there. She was totally superficial, but as she entered the room I was relieved to see her. That girl was totally confirmative of my ruling position, and had no problems with being my loyal subject. That other girl didn't want to leave completly and lingered in the hall, standing near the pillars in the hallway outside the room. She looked straight at me and didn't want to leave me, but I was only annoyed that she didn't leave fast enough.
My reading of this dream: global disaster=work with the self. Few survivors=what so far has survived the cleaning of the mess inside the self. New order=what is left in the new self after the cleaning. Me=my new awaken consciousness. And then we have these two girls.
The first one was honest, pure and resisted to put herself into position of being a slave, no matter what. She refused to confirm my power over her and saw us as equals. Another girl was a bit older, but still young. She was exactly how I wanted her to be. She was superficial and totally accepted my ruling position. She had no problems with my power over her as she found herself comfortable in being my loyal subject.
*Scratching my head here* Interpretetion of the dream that these two girls were symbols for being myself or still carry the shell gave me enjoyable feeling in the orange nexi. So it means that I am still carrying the shell and is not completly honest. What does it mean practically?
How do I suppose to act from now on? The first one that I came to think of is by starting to confirm all feelings. That I AM tired sometimes, that I DON'T want to be of service to others sometimes. Where will it lead me? Am I on the right track? Yes, yes I know that only I can answer that question, but I am not sure if I understand this whole thing in a deeper sense yet...? I'll give it some time. Taking this honest path must be done very carefully and with much balance and contemplation. Otherwise I'll slip either into being STS again or keep carrying that shell. It is a narrow and golden path in the middle indeed! And very, very difficult.
Published by Ankh on March 9, 2011 10:35pm. Category: General
I am tired of 3D. Catalysts, catalysts, catalysts as far as eyes can see... I know it's selfish to say something like this, and I don't really want to escape from this life, but listen to this:
It started two days ago when I was faced with two people who simultaneously pushed my buttons. I don't know how exactly it happened nor do I remember it but suddenly there was a shift in my consciousness and I didn't longer perceived these two as annoying humans, but as my loving teachers. That love seeped into the situation and at the end of that day we acted as three loving siblings. I danced back home, though I should have been tired. I was delighted!
My tendency towards not like some people continued for two more days til once again my back was against a wall, and I saw it! It was clear as a day – I don't like some people! I was ignoring that fact with thoughts like "nooo I am a loving entity who is accepting of all people" – but that's not true! I really don't like some people! That realisation gave me deep shivers down my whole spine and perspective in my mind shifted towards feeling love against everybody! Everybody was perceived as loving teachers, and not only that, the entire creation was perceived as loving teacher!
I went into meditation with this feeling, sent the usual prayer to my Higher Self and after a while – I fell!
While I was falling through that emptiness discussed in my last blog entry a voice screamed inside of me – this is It! This is the One! You found It!
As usual it is difficult to explain that kind of experience so I have to use an analogy. I felt like Aragon that have been on the road for too long. I was hungry, thirsty and of course very, very tired. Now I fell in celestial Inn along that road. The journey will soon be continued but right there in that moment I was given opportunity to bathe in light/love, love/light, to eat and drink myself full of Ambrosia nectar, and rest as I felt so relaxed and safe that I've never experienced before.
Short after that violet, indigo and blue nexis opened and instreaming energy rushed through my body. The violet ray ran down my spine. Indigo ray played symbols, colours and images in front of my inner sight. Blue ray just danced, laughed and rejoiced everything. These instreamings separately one by one was not that powerful, but together they built a heavy energy influx that was appropriate for me in that moment.
Woaw I thought, that was a dive in the Source, a short meeting with the Creator, with the One.
Last week I got a PM from one member who asked about sexual energy transfer (thank you for that, my brother!). I answered that I am too far from using sexual energy transfer in my development, but since I've allready had these thoughts before that PM I said to myself – well, why not try it? I did! And woaw, oh woaw – that's something I recomend to everybody! So after that meditation I was fortunate enough to dive once again into the Source and meet the Creator. To unite with the One one more time.
I can say one thing about this experience – a little part of it was perceived as a strong, bright, narrow line of light. But this light is nothing that we ever seen before with our humans eyes. Yes, it looked like light, like a lightning, but was still something very, very more. Imagine now to fit in that narrow line of light and merge completly with the One. I can't describe it!
Then I was sent to the grocery store by my family to buy some foodstuff, and once again, there was this thick, or probably more dense, compact air surrounding me – "love/light light/love" my Lesser self whispered and was quiet as it bathed in it. That's how it felt.