Dedicated to wanderers everywhere but also hoping to provide encouragement to anyone else who might stop by. Stories and uncoverings from an Italian/Brooklyn wanderer, creating and discovering spiritual multimedia. Thanks to all of you/us.
December 21, 2012 New York City
Published by Clareultimo on December 21, 2012 10:57pm. Category: General
It's December 21, 2012 and I'm here in New York City in the late afternoon, at my desk and preparing to go home.
My honesty continually gets me into "trouble" it seems, and my incredible sensitivity to feelings, my own and others, makes it difficult for me to portray myself wholly. People read "parts" of the picture and it's not their fault. The last time I wrote on this site, I was reaching out to other Wanderers, or whatever you might call them, and just voicing a feeling of exclusion; a sense that while I had a boatload of friends around me who were kind and smart and loving, I felt invisible in my spiritual evolution. So sometimes I'm an idiot and I like admitting that. I feel as though the internet and sites like this are symbols of our reaching out to each other, even to say "I'm here, don't worry"...but everyone in this new spirit world, at least right now, has an "answer', of course including myself. I am so interested in this. The idea of being a leader in a world that only needs internal leadership; of having answers that worked for us but won't for others. Being the authority in any one field or at least in this "field" of the new coming age is very satisfying and that also seems to be very dangerous and actually an antithesis of this whole awakening process.
I have read and studied thousands of words and pictures you might say, millions...from sincere, dedicated souls who are on a clear path and have been able to share that path; beginning at the tender age of 14 until today...they tell me I'm 57 years old now. I am expert in finding the "best" information and helping to pass it on. I have meditated for 30 years and sitting with the divine is one of the most cherished experiences of my life. I hate all the new age terms, but I suppose I am a lightworker, a wanderer, a starseed. It all sounds silly to me, as enlightenment must defy all categories, ideas and places. You either are on or you're not. And sometimes we're ON....sometimes we're NOT. I don't hide when I'm NOT because it all feels like it's bringing me to the next stage. But it's dangerous to write about those times; those moments when you are sad, or scared, or just feeling left out (I guess unless you are Wayne Dyer!). Since no one out there can know your whole history, it can seem that this one moment is ALL the moments and instead of a little encouragement and the collective knowledge that we are all ALWAYS OK, we address the specific, assume it's chronic and so on. I believe this awakening will also bring us to a lighter touch for our "issues". Nothing is so serious that it can't change. Encouragement and confidence in our own intuition will take us forward.
Right now, a dear friend of mine is performing at the Uplift 2012 Australia event. I knew him in NY, when he was just starting out as a performance poet, helped him wherever I could and encouraged him to move forward. I introduced him to the world of the "new age"; told him about The Ra Material, as well as many others, and I know he read and appreciated all of it. Through the years, he has grown and changed and today, he is with Barbara Marx Hubbard in a public celebration of ushering in this new age. He was braver than I was, clearer about his intention and didn't let anyone or anything get in his way. He didn't have an easy life either; he lived through a childhood fraught with pain.But I have to admit, the idea of "place" as much as I disdain the concept, brought me to a feeling of being "left out" again. I would have loved to have been in Australia with him and with a whole bunch of people who are focused in celebration of our spiritual evolution. But I don't feel I should be unhappy about being here, in New York either. I do believe it is not WHERE you are but what you feel. And even though I'm not with my friend in Australia, I can feel the connection to what he is doing. Something bigger than all of us is happening. And right now, this thing that's happening has nothing to do with WHERE you are in terms of geography, maps, places...but WHERE your heart is.
I was born in New York, Brooklyn to be exact and I have always been "this" way. No environmental issues led me to doing yoga when I was 12; reading Seth when I was 18; learning to meditate when I was 15. Not my family, or anyone at school, or any friends "led" me exactly to the loves of my life: studying and learning about my own conscious evolution and artistic expressions. I never saw New York as being chaotic or overwhelming; never saw it as being ugly or cold or unloving. Isn't that strange? It seems that "lightworkers" around the globe hate New York, or at least have such strong feelings about it being a horrible place to be, that it is a cliche to me. I once heard a senior student of Ramtha on a radio show talk about the horror of New York City; how no one was enlightened there...relishing in his own spiritual superiority as though this statement were unequivocal, he didn't see how ignorant he sounded. It seems that few are able to see (because it's really hard to see) is that you bring YOURSELF everywhere you go. Yes, this city is intimidating, especially if you weren't born here but if you are intimidated by it, no reason to decide it's devoid of all spirituality. How could ANYTHING, anywhere be devoid of the divine?
So on this very momentous day, when I have just found a lovely and kind response to a VERY difficult moment/blog for me on this site, I am reminded of the location of the infinite....which is everywhere. Appreciation, kindness, a loving glance...on a city street or a country church. It's all one thing and that one thing is hearts connecting. During this transition, let us not underestimate each other. Trust your divine self. In the end, that's the only place you will ever live. I'm counting on your connection.
Published by Clareultimo on April 15, 2010 4:44am. Category: One Feeling
Have been thinking about the Bring4th Community a lot lately. Feeling very sad, maybe just very isolated, though there are tons of folks around me it seems. Most everyone around me now feels lost, confused, or just holding on.
Never have been comfortable saying out loud that I was despondent. It seems like a lot of self indulgence and self pitying to admit you are sad, but when others tell me they are sad, I don’t feel as though they are self pitying. I want to reach out to them. I wonder why I think that I am stupid for feeling despondent. I don't feel much compassion for myself, don't feel I deserve any .
The struggle is always with yourself. No matter what it looks like, there is really nothing else that has power over us, unless we allow it to. This allowance is difficult to see sometimes, but it’s there.
I've been feeling very disappointed in myself these days as well, so I guess being sad and admitting it adds to that. It’s honest, but seems pretty unenlighted to me. Maybe it’s being awake in NYC that I find so hard these days.I never believed this before, but a city like this, with all these vibrations floating around, is not an easy place to be (and I have been here all my life.)
I feel grateful, very grateful, that my partner Robert is awake, connected ; what would I do without him ? My little joke with Robert has been "Third density is just no fun"....we laugh. Maybe I just feel extra sensitive lately, feel very pushed out, as though the world has no place for me, doesn't want me. I know I have much to offer, but I am so lost. I have spent my life pursuing the spiritual, one of my biggest influences was Ra, and yet I come out of it, 30 years later feeling like a hole in space. Like nothing. Like I really mean nothing.
It seems, on most days, that meditating for the world is enough, that this is the gift I can give no matter what. But I must also confess here, that I carry a heavy heart too, as I feel so excluded from community, or maybe just marginalized in the "communities" I have been a part of. Or maybe the internet has not really made it easier.
Some days, no matter how much I know, how much I accept, I feel as though I have no purpose, and that it wouldn't matter if I was here or not. I'm wondering if anyone else who might read this has had the same experience, and if so, what do they think I’m missing here? What do feelings like this teach us ? What could they mean, except that I am just a fool, and not smart enough or strong enough to get past them?
Published by Clareultimo on February 15, 2010 4:22am. Category: General
Sensing a shift, a change around me, can't put words to it exactly. Have spent a lot of time this past week listening to an old tape I bought from LL called "the Spiritual Significance of UFOs" and have not heard Don's voice until now. Every time I put the tape on, I seemed to learn something new, or find another piece of the puzzle. This was all said so long ago; I've heard so many messengers since then, but once I hear Don on this, it all makes sense, more sense than it ever could to me before. (I'm glad I don't throw out "old media" when the next one comes along, or I would have missed something very important here.)
Feeling alone too, reaching out to my guides and invisible friends, asking for help, asking for help for our whole planet too. I wouldn't know, but it seems like there are some signs clearly around me that suggest we are moving into Fourth. Wilder reactions from people in the everyday, less of a sense of stability from friends and family; knowing thoughts before they're uttered, needing less food, funny sleeping patterns. Find myself paying attention to this, noticing it everywhere. I live in NYC, so if it's here, it must be all over the place! Feels like this is a sign of the change, of the shift.
My world, as I knew it, is rapidly fading away. A bit lost, feeling lonely, not knowing what to do. Got a raging flu/stomach thing last week, but I don't think it's a flu. Use my natural responses to it, no drugs, and I managed to go to work every day. It's a kind of purging. A kind of letting go. I just can't see what it is I'm embracing yet. If I said that it made sense to me, would that make sense????
I would like to tell you all that I love you, to thank you for being here, to say how important your lives have been to me. I wish I could see you and have a cup of tea with you, so I wouldn't feel so isolated sometimes. I know I desire to serve and to open my heart to this truth upon us now; I'm sure it looks different to everyone, but I'm convinced it's HERE.
Actually, when I listened to Don last week on this tape, I cried because I had no words but I felt the truth of what he was saying. It made me happy. I felt "right". A nice change from my usual battle of inner fears and self criticism. It seems like nothing I do is enough, as though it doesn't make a difference at all. I know this isn't entirely true. I know it may simply be the limitation of this incarnation.
The winding road, so to speak
Published by Clareultimo on February 3, 2010 5:01am. Category: Thanks to Bring4th
Being here on the LL Research site blog means a lot to me. I haven't been here for a while and recently, found myself re-reading The Law of One, which I haven't done in 14 years. It made such a great impact on me at that time, I feel as though it became part of me. At that time, I thought I couldn't possibly be a Wanderer. Somehow, back then, it sounded too special to me, though I knew from the beginning there are millions of us, making it not very special at all. Accepting this, at least for me, was something I had to grow into over time. I think this is pretty funny.
My relationship to spirit informs every aspect of my life. My journey has been wild and began when I was just a kid. Once I thought that meant austerity, denial of enjoyment; so much has changed over time. Since then, through Zen and American gurus, through organic foods and colonics in the 70s, I found my way through the "alternate" world, studying everyone and everything, meditating daily, frying ashram tofu for a hundred by 1985, sitting in all kinds of audiences listening, chanting...never quite fitting in anywhere, as much as I tried.
I didn't see how important it was at the time, but I found the book about Billy Meier called "Light Year" in 1988, and by the time we entered the 1990s, I was very comfortable with the notion of ETs. My long, strange, spiritually alternative journey had come to this point. Somehow it all fit together for me, though I can't say the same for many of my friends – the Buddhists, yoga practitioners and vegetarians around me at that time thought I was nuts. Seems like ETs were where even the boldest spiritual journeys would stop but not for this Brooklyn girl.
Of course, my usual combination of boldness and naivete kept me on that track, and over the past 20 years, I have learned so much about the "non human" presence here that there is virtually nothing I can't reference. And I have to thank George Noory and Art Bell for most of that...listening to their show religiously since 1995 has given me quite an education too! I found the Ra Material through my husband who found out about The Law of One through the Matrix books by Val Valerian/Leading Edge Research. I read the four books in 1995 right after my mom died. I found it strangely comforting at that time, absolutely unique and resonant with me.
I have always felt like I am not from this planet, and do not naturally understand many practices here, such as competition and violence, but also motherhood, family and things like that. Both ends of this distortion have baffled me, and my own life has seemed meaningless, as though I have nothing to contribute to such a place but that all I ever wanted to do was contribute and exchange in understanding with others.
Revisiting the Material now, finding the old tapes and audio I bought years ago from LL, has brought me home in a way. I am reluctant to "belong" anywhere in this planet; I have so much been rejected and excluded in the past. and for me, "spiritual" groups have been no different, but recently, I asked my guides to help me find out who I really am, what my "purpose" might be here, and I was led back to the Law of One and then to discovering this blog. I have a blog on my website where I write about design, sociology and metaphysics but the "professional" aspect to my site discourages me from saying too much "wanderer" stuff. I hope this can be my place to be free with that. I don't know how often I'll be able to post but this is a great opportunity to share wanderer experience as we grow into this shift.
As an aside, going back to re-read the material validated so many things I've read through these years. George Green's Ground Crew/Paradigm books especially come to mind. There is a thread that runs through his communications that the Ra Material discussed years before.
Re-reading the Ra Material these past few weeks brought me to such a feeling of gratefulness to Carla and this group. As I begin this personal exploration, I put out the intention that writing here helps me to share and feel a free and true spiritual expression. In the end, you write your blog on the pages of eternity and the universe hears you. If your voice is true and if it's your own, I'm sure it will be useful.