This blog is my personal reflections on living the Law of One and trying to be of service to others in all I do.
Published by SmilingAudibly on May 15, 2019 2:07pm. Category: General
I only remembered a snippet of a dream last night. Shelby, her little sister Presley, and I are sitting in an auditorium listening to someone, or a group of someone's, speak. Shelby and her sister are sitting in the row in front of me but we are there together. I can only see the backs of their heads, but I know it's them. And that's all I can remember! I wonder who we were listening to. I think the rows were pews. If I keep this up I'll hopefully start remembering more of my dreams.
My Tilly-cat came and slept on my lap for my entire meditation this morning. Listening to and feeling the vibrations of her purring was a really nice way to get in the silence groove. I was pretty exhausted so I didn't feel like I did a great job of keeping my thoughts focussed. It's hard not to be frustrated about it, but I know it's fine and in the long run it's just good that I'm doing it consistently.
I'm going to casually ask Brandon to go to Louisville with me on Saturday and see what he says. On one hand, I freaking love a good solo roadtrip and am kind of looking forward to the alone time. But I also want Brandon to see firsthand some of what I've been talking about for all these months. I think he's almost ready. Honestly, regardless of anything else, all I really want is for him to find a way to deal with all the negativity he perceives as focussed on him. I'm sure he chose this life for a reason: battling with CP, physical limitations, family, etc., but I want him to find his true happiness. He's my best friend.
Published by SmilingAudibly on May 14, 2019 7:57pm. Category: General
In hoping to broaden my meditation practices, I bought a dream journal to physically write down my dreams and my responses or thoughts about them. Now all I have to do is remember them! I used to have reoccuring dreams all the time, especially as a kid, and one in particular keeps being brought to my mind:
I'm a child, and find myself in the driver's seat of a moving car without any idea on how I got there. I have no clue how to drive; I'm not old enough! But I am driving, and going faster and faster, barely feeling like I'm holding on, weaving in and out of traffic, trying desperately not to crash. I never do.
If I were going to analyze that (puts on analyzer hat), I would say it was a metaphor for my life. That I felt like I didn't know how to live my life, that I was unprepared to navigate the roads of this journey we're on. I've noticed in my adult life that I like to be as prepared as possible before getting into new things and feel a lot of anxiety when I'm unable to do so. Going to a new restaurant? I look up the menu and decide what I'm getting entirely beforehand. Meeting new people? I rehearse things to talk about and plan exactly what I wear. But I've never really felt that prepared for life.
In my K-8 school, 5th grade was the year you could first pick a musical instrument to learn or a sport to play on the school teams. My best friend at the time was moving to Bogota, Columbia that year to live with her grandparents. I remember begging my mom to let me be homeschooled, as I couldn't bear the thought of going to school without my only friend. As the result of a weird set of circumstances, my mom agreed. When I went back to school for 6th grade, I was devestated by the head start I felt my classmates had had. They had all picked out instruments or sports, and if I were going to start I'd already be a year behind. Too late seemed to be my reoccuring theme. Imagine being 12 and feeling like you had already missed out on life! Those feelings of being too late or not prepared enough for life have kept me back from accomplishing things. I hope I'm learning and growing from that knowledge now.
Published by SmilingAudibly on May 6, 2019 8:36pm. Category: General
I messed up. I always do this! I never fight with anyone in my life except Emily. We were on such a good run too. Our parents are in town to meet and help take care of her new baby. She texted me Friday asking me to bring a bottle of this low carb wine our mom likes when we came for dinner that night. I didn't have any at my house and was really annoyed that she asked me to go do this even though her husband was already going to the liquor store. Re-reading the texts we sent to each other, it's obvious now that I overreacted. She was just asking that if I had any, to bring it. I realized that I was to blame pretty quickly, and after about 20 minutes I sent a text apologizing.
But then it happened again yesterday. She texted me to ask if I could help her in making a key lime pie for our mom's birthday. Things were already a little tenuous from Friday, and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was exploiting me to spend money and time on a gift that would ultimately be from her. What a fucking petty way to look at it. But we both do it - it's like we can't trust each other sometimes. Where is it coming from?? I spent my morning meditation focussed on that and trying to balance my feelings of being taken advantage of. Looking at it today, it's like why do I even care who the pie would come from? It all seems so ridiculous now, but in the heat of the moment I was SO offended. Brandon doesn't help because he always sides with me (haha). He said yesterday, "Why do all of Emily's plans need to be funded by you?" and it stoked my anger even more. But I need to get over myself. Who ultimately cares who did what or contributed what if it makes my mom happy? And who cares even if Emily were trying to take advantage of me? But for what it's worth, I don't think she was. I needed to show compassion to the poor girl who had a baby less than two weeks ago and just wanted to make her mom something nice. I guess I'll be apologizing to her again tonight.
Published by SmilingAudibly on May 3, 2019 7:43pm. Category: General
Work has been exceptionally slow lately, so I've been reading a book during the day called The Journey of Souls by a Dr. Michael Newton. I'm about halfway through. It's freaking fascinating. It just rings so true to me, and nothing I've read so far contradicts what Ra had to say about spiritual evoltuion. It's about the journey of souls between lives. It makes me long even more for a spiritual community, but it is oddly comforting in the fact that I almost certainly (according to him) have a "soul cluster" of people I am close with spiritually and incarnate with together. I can't help but wonder if I'm living near or with any of them now - is Brandon one? Is my sister Emily? Or maybe I'm alone this time around. Who knows! But it would not surprise me at all if Brandon and I have known each other in other lives. I feel like we just get each other.
One of the most fascinating things I just read was that it seems souls... learn to create! To become a Logos! Like ones who have lived on Earth will go to an Earth like planet and get instructions in making things like rocks, water, and even plants. I'm just blown away by how COOL it all sounds. It makes me feel this longing to "go back" to the realm of love, acceptance, and spirits, but I get that I'm essentially in school right now, taking a test if you will. It seems that I still obviously have lessons to learn while here incarnate on Earth. What they are, who can tell, but I am trying the best I can.
Published by SmilingAudibly on May 1, 2019 4:18pm. Category: General
Brandon had to be up early for the first day of rehearsals, so he sat next to me on the couch while I meditated this morning. Of course we didn't talk, but it was quietly comforting to have him right there. I might suggest us meditating together this weekend. He's into the idea of meditation in general, but hasn't pulled the trigger on doing it himself yet. He's such a sweetie. I really lucked out with him.
One of my best friends from college stayed with us this past weekend and it was so good to see him. It seems that the friendships I made in high school and college are much deeper than the ones I make now. Maybe because we had the time and the proclivity to have those soul searching, late night, heart-to-hearts, but I can't think of one friend here I would feel comfortable talking about the Law of One with. But with Andy in town I felt 100% comfortable opening my heart and talking to him maybe not about the Ra channelings, but about meditation, spirituality, and all sorts of metaphysical subjects. He texted me after he got back to New York thanking me for letting him stay and to say that he was glad to know after all this time that we would always be friends. I told him he's my True Blue Dude.
It really made me realize how much I want that type of community all of the time. I'm sure we all do! But I miss it being within reach. The internet has connected the world so well, but I miss the physical aspects of the spiritual companionship of others. I feel like I shouldn't complain or want it when I have so much happiness and goodness in my life... but I just spent this entire blog doing that, so I must not feel too bad about it. :)