11-22-2013, 10:23 AM
I come from a culture where the use of shaming is seen to be a norm (my parents are from Hong Kong and Southern China, and emigrated to Australia before I was born). And even though I grew up in Sydney (and have lived my whole life here), it was a cultural attitude that was transmitted via my upbringing, and strengthened because of the wide extended family that I grew up with (my mother had 5 siblings, all in Australia, and all had kids, and we were the same age group).
now shaming is not an exclusively asian practice; it goes on elsewhere, but it most definitely has a wide prevalance in that region (and those that are descended from, and influenced by those cultures). I have observed during my upbringing that the more cultural relevant thoughtform in the west takes the form of 'guilting'; and although guilt and shaming are related, they do take on particular presentations, and can't be regarded as synonymous blockages.
I will try and talk about the shaming distortion, as it is one that I have more lived experience with, and one that has deeper roots than any guilt distortions I might be prone to.
- -
having investigated my own shaming bias over many many years, I have had various theories about how it is grounded, and on what sort of misunderstanding it might be based on. My own thoughts on the matter have changed over time; as I have observed to what degrees my changed attitudes have affected how the distortion presents itself.
my current understanding of the shaming impulse revolves around the following principle:
* the shame comes about (self-inflicted attitude adopted when one is a child), when one considers that certain actions or thoughts need to be 'hidden' from others because they are unworthy or not good enough. The important distinction here that the word 'sin' does not really enter into the picture. The 'thing that needs to be hidden' is not necessarily morally 'bad'; but is rather considered 'culturally bad' or a 'failure' in a social setting. This connection to the culture/social sphere makes the Shame Impulse very much a yellow ray blockage; and one that 'hides' the self from other selves; because something is considered not good enough or is a failure.
This 'failure' usually ties into an academic setting very early on; when one's test grades are not good enough; the feedback from parents and teachers is not encouragement to do better, or that one will be given another chance, but rather that the 'failed score' is an everlasting stain on one's record. In that way, it could be considered as a 'sin' in some way; but as I said before, it's not considered a moral failure, but rather a cultural or social failure; which makes its rooting different from how guilt manifests (guilt being more an orange ray issue).
- -
now, growing up, and having observed this particular personality distortion in myself during my 20's, and being around different types of people, from different backgrounds, I could see when the shame reared its head and presented itself, although I didn't necessarily understand or comprehend how the distortion actually worked, in terms of its mechanics.
for eg, I was always bedazzled and amazed by individuals which one would consider as 'uninhibited'; not because they were socially free and mobile, but rather how they engaged with their own mistakes and learning process. They were quite 'open' about how they learnt - when something was unfamiliar, they tried it out, made mistakes, didn't get too fussed about it, and just kept on going. Sometimes they made headway, sometimes not (I'm not implying that they succeeded at everything they attempted; sometimes they were totally inept at the task, even with an open learning attitude), but rather these 'uninhibited learners' didn't try to keep things hidden. It was ok to make mistakes, and then make adjustments.
this was in stark contrast to my own attitudes (which I can see so clearly now in hindsight), where the learning processs was very much secretive, and mistakes and misjudgements were harshly self-criticized. The key word here is that I kept things hidden.
as I've said above, this asian attitude (broadly speaking) towards learning and schooling is based on rote, mechanical repetition; and the one with the most rote, regurgitive OCD memory wins at the tests; especially at the lower levels of school. Its like a contest for distorting the mind. This was further re-inforced by the fact that I attended chinese language classes either on a saturday or a sunday (it varied over the years) from a young age until about 11 or 12. The learning of chinese characters is just repeating the same written character in small boxes like 50 or 100 times at a stretch - it makes learning the english alphabet as easy as farting in comparison.
and so with this reinforced attitude, the self-shaming impulse was born; when things were not good enouigh unless one was number 1; and where there was always a strict pecking order of academic achievement; and everyone knew their 'place'.
originality, individuality, creative impulses ... these are things not traditionally valued in the asian schooling model (broadly speaking). And I know that this influence is present in western models as well; although it is taken to a much higher level in asian presentations.
- -
so those were the roots of my self-shaming impulse. It is grounded in social/culture/schooling. How has this explicated understanding helped?
well, I have gradually bridged my mental attitudes that lean heavily towards secrecy and keeping things hidden to more open attitudes. This doesn't mean an exhibitionist impulse! far from it. That would be an over-compensation in my view (and perhaps one which some individuals adopt as a reaction to the shaming bias). No, I think the more balanced attitude is reflected in the case of someone who is rather 'uninhibited', like in the case I described above. Such a person is not 'showy' or making a display of themselves; rather they are free to act 'as themselves' in a social setting; whether it be learning, or speaking, or on a stage, without being crippled by self-consciousness and over-assessing their every word and gesture. They are 'uninhibited' because they are 'free to act'; which is very much a more open position than the individual given over to shame; and fearful of making further 'errors' in a public sphere that will only compound and add to the pre-exisiting shame and memories of failure.
now shaming is not an exclusively asian practice; it goes on elsewhere, but it most definitely has a wide prevalance in that region (and those that are descended from, and influenced by those cultures). I have observed during my upbringing that the more cultural relevant thoughtform in the west takes the form of 'guilting'; and although guilt and shaming are related, they do take on particular presentations, and can't be regarded as synonymous blockages.
I will try and talk about the shaming distortion, as it is one that I have more lived experience with, and one that has deeper roots than any guilt distortions I might be prone to.
- -
having investigated my own shaming bias over many many years, I have had various theories about how it is grounded, and on what sort of misunderstanding it might be based on. My own thoughts on the matter have changed over time; as I have observed to what degrees my changed attitudes have affected how the distortion presents itself.
my current understanding of the shaming impulse revolves around the following principle:
* the shame comes about (self-inflicted attitude adopted when one is a child), when one considers that certain actions or thoughts need to be 'hidden' from others because they are unworthy or not good enough. The important distinction here that the word 'sin' does not really enter into the picture. The 'thing that needs to be hidden' is not necessarily morally 'bad'; but is rather considered 'culturally bad' or a 'failure' in a social setting. This connection to the culture/social sphere makes the Shame Impulse very much a yellow ray blockage; and one that 'hides' the self from other selves; because something is considered not good enough or is a failure.
This 'failure' usually ties into an academic setting very early on; when one's test grades are not good enough; the feedback from parents and teachers is not encouragement to do better, or that one will be given another chance, but rather that the 'failed score' is an everlasting stain on one's record. In that way, it could be considered as a 'sin' in some way; but as I said before, it's not considered a moral failure, but rather a cultural or social failure; which makes its rooting different from how guilt manifests (guilt being more an orange ray issue).
- -
now, growing up, and having observed this particular personality distortion in myself during my 20's, and being around different types of people, from different backgrounds, I could see when the shame reared its head and presented itself, although I didn't necessarily understand or comprehend how the distortion actually worked, in terms of its mechanics.
for eg, I was always bedazzled and amazed by individuals which one would consider as 'uninhibited'; not because they were socially free and mobile, but rather how they engaged with their own mistakes and learning process. They were quite 'open' about how they learnt - when something was unfamiliar, they tried it out, made mistakes, didn't get too fussed about it, and just kept on going. Sometimes they made headway, sometimes not (I'm not implying that they succeeded at everything they attempted; sometimes they were totally inept at the task, even with an open learning attitude), but rather these 'uninhibited learners' didn't try to keep things hidden. It was ok to make mistakes, and then make adjustments.
this was in stark contrast to my own attitudes (which I can see so clearly now in hindsight), where the learning processs was very much secretive, and mistakes and misjudgements were harshly self-criticized. The key word here is that I kept things hidden.
as I've said above, this asian attitude (broadly speaking) towards learning and schooling is based on rote, mechanical repetition; and the one with the most rote, regurgitive OCD memory wins at the tests; especially at the lower levels of school. Its like a contest for distorting the mind. This was further re-inforced by the fact that I attended chinese language classes either on a saturday or a sunday (it varied over the years) from a young age until about 11 or 12. The learning of chinese characters is just repeating the same written character in small boxes like 50 or 100 times at a stretch - it makes learning the english alphabet as easy as farting in comparison.
and so with this reinforced attitude, the self-shaming impulse was born; when things were not good enouigh unless one was number 1; and where there was always a strict pecking order of academic achievement; and everyone knew their 'place'.
originality, individuality, creative impulses ... these are things not traditionally valued in the asian schooling model (broadly speaking). And I know that this influence is present in western models as well; although it is taken to a much higher level in asian presentations.
- -
so those were the roots of my self-shaming impulse. It is grounded in social/culture/schooling. How has this explicated understanding helped?
well, I have gradually bridged my mental attitudes that lean heavily towards secrecy and keeping things hidden to more open attitudes. This doesn't mean an exhibitionist impulse! far from it. That would be an over-compensation in my view (and perhaps one which some individuals adopt as a reaction to the shaming bias). No, I think the more balanced attitude is reflected in the case of someone who is rather 'uninhibited', like in the case I described above. Such a person is not 'showy' or making a display of themselves; rather they are free to act 'as themselves' in a social setting; whether it be learning, or speaking, or on a stage, without being crippled by self-consciousness and over-assessing their every word and gesture. They are 'uninhibited' because they are 'free to act'; which is very much a more open position than the individual given over to shame; and fearful of making further 'errors' in a public sphere that will only compound and add to the pre-exisiting shame and memories of failure.